real life!

"Hey," Justin croaks into the darkness. "You okay?"

She breathes out, shivering. "Yeah, I'm—I'm okay. Was just talking to Robbie."

He stares at her, eyes flicking from her hair to her bare back to the crack of her ass exposed above the white sheets wrapped around her waist. "Oh?" he eventually says, eyebrows raised.

"We talked about you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

He groans, huffs, and pushes himself up with his fists, resting his body against the headboard. "You seem too sad for it to have been anything good."

She chuckles, shaking her head. Her messy hair lazily dances. "It was . . . it was okay. It's just making me think a lot about us now."

He nods, his eyebrows scrunch in deep thought, and his heart pounds with anticipation. "What about us?"

"I don't want to hurt you, Justin," she starts. "And I know . . . I know I have when I use you like this. You deserve better than just being a distraction to me when I can't face my fucking feelings." She looks back at him for a split second. "I do love you, you know? I just don't know if I'm right for you."

He reaches out, and she flinches when his cold fingers begin tracing shapes on her freckled skin. "I didn't know we were going to do this so soon." She shrugs. "I'm sorry about Sofia, and I'm sorry for calling you a bitch. I was just . . . stressed. I had a whole day planned for us—snorkelling, spa, dinner, bed with roses—and it just felt like it all got ripped away from me because of some lying motherfucker—"

Guilt overtakes her, and suddenly, his spiel is interrupted by her own. "I'm sorry about that, too, oh my God. I—I shouldn't have left so quickly." She buries her face in her hands. "I was just overwhelmed, and I didn't want to see you, and I asked Robbie to find me the quickest way out of there."

"It's okay," he quickly says in a desperate effort to reassure her. "I get it. It looks worse because I didn't even come back to the room that night, and I didn't text you, and I get it. It all looks so bad." He sighs. "I went out to get a few drinks and woke up by myself on the beach the next morning. Didn't even know that picture with Sofia was out. It sounds fucking stupid, but that's what happened."

She laughs. "It does sound fucking stupid."

He flicks her back, and she laughs harder, making him smile. "I just want you to know I didn't do that shit to you. Not that much of an asshole." He stops tracing her back for a second as the silence stretches and solemnity takes them in its arms. "You're not going to hurt me, though, Adira. I'm scared it's the other way round."

She's left with her thoughts for a moment, then declares, "You know, I never told you about Joey."

"Joey?" he repeats, confused.

"Joey," she says, nodding affirmatively. "We got together after I found out Zayn was engaged. I met him at this cute little coffee shop, and he started telling me all about this book he was reading." She smiles at the memory. "I didn't even like him at first. Like, why is this guy talking to me right now? But he was so passionate, so I just sat and listened to him talk."

Justin chuckles. "God, baby, should I be jealous?"

"Definitely not." She rolls her eyes, smiling over her shoulder at him briefly. "I don't know why, but I started coming every day, and he was always there, and we just talked. We started texting, too, and . . . and he was perfect. It was our own secret, special little thing." She starts fiddling with her sheets, feeling Justin's eyes burning her. "It was like that for a while until he asked me on a date, and I swear—I swear I was on top of the world for those first few months, so I asked him if he wanted to meet Vicky and Mikey. I wanted the 'best friend approval,' you know?"

He shakes his head as memories flood him. "I was scared shitless when I had to meet them. For real."

She snorts, throwing her head back. "I know! I remember you couldn't stop asking me the dumbest fucking questions, and your leg wouldn't stop shaking. It was fucking funny."

Rolling his eyes at her giggling, he tugs her hair slightly. "Wasn't for me."

She sticks her tongue out at him. "Wasn't for Joey, either. He freaked out on me. Didn't pick up my calls for a couple days, then he finally agreed to dinner with the four of us, and I guess that's when everything went to shit." Justin's eyebrows raised at the bitterness in her tone, like the wounds were old but somehow still fresh. "He took a liking to Vicky," she recalls, biting her lip anxiously. "Talked to her the whole night. It was like she the only thing he saw, and I literally felt like the fourth-fucking-wheel with my own boyfriend."

"I'm sorry, 'Dira," Justin murmurs, pulling the blonde into his arms.

She lays on his tattooed chest and groans. "'S okay. Not your fault," she proclaims. "It gets worse, though. He asked for her number but not Mikey's. I guess that should've been a sign, but I wanted to trust him, so I gave it to him. Shit changed after that. We would be together, and his eyes just used to be glued to his phone. It was like I couldn't even keep his attention, and it hurt. Just . . . just made me feel like I wasn't enough. I think I went crazy for a second, just obsessing over why he wanted her and not me."

She finds solace in the chaste kiss Justin presses to her lips and his morning smell of leftover cologne and sweat. "I sort of clung to the relationship, even when I knew he was slipping through my fingers," she reflects. "When he eventually broke up with me, Vicky asked me if it was okay for her to go out with him. She looked so happy. So, so happy. I couldn't take that from her, but we didn't talk while they were together. I don't think I can blame either of us for that, really. It was just a friendship pause, I think? I don't know, but it was short, and I got back with Zayn. His engagement was called off, and I guess I craved something familiar, and Zayn was the one there to make me feel good."

"Is that why you got back with him after we broke up?"

The question was innocent but loaded, Adira thinks. "Yeah, I think that's why I got back with him after we broke up, but I also think I hoped you saw us—and I hoped it hurt you."

"It did," he admits.

Her shoulders shake with laughter. "Old me would've been over the moon to hear that."

He smoothly kisses her cheek before speaking softly into her ear. "Seriously, baby, I'm sorry anyone—including me—ever made you feel like that. Made you feel like you weren't worth the entire world because, I swear, you are. The entire world and then some."

She blushes a hearty shade of red, rolling to bury her head within the depths of his black ink. "Stop," she whines.

"I mean it," he says, holding the base of her neck to lift her head. Emotions swirl—love, bliss, heartache, fear, hope—as they stare into each other's eyes, like they were seeing each other for the first time and falling all over again.

"You deserve the world and then some, too," she finally whispers into the quietness.

∙∙∙

messages!

you weren't going to tell me about

vicky and mikey?

i didn't know i owed u that

you don't. but it would've been

nice. i've known them just as long

as you have

clearly u found out anyway so ???

okay adira

be like that then

lmao sorry u weren't my first

thought amala

didn't say i had to be ur first

thought

i just would've appreciated not

having to find out they could

fucking die from TMZ

what can i say

i was a bit wrapped up

clearly

justin's more important than

knowing if your best friends are ok

huh

god. i don't even know what

happened to u

who says that shit

it's funny you can't even defend

yourself bc you know it's true

i don't owe u shit. already told u

that

get it through ur thick skull

hmm. maybe Zayn was right about

you

narcissism keeps you alive

best friends in the hospital and

there you are getting it on lmao

this is so funny. ur one to talk

about narcissism. so self obsessed

u convinced urself only ur feelings

about my fucking abuser mattered

i don't want to talk to u rn or ever

lmao. i don't even know how u

turned a conversation about vicky

and mikey into this

?? i thought about your feelings

and decided i didn't agree with

you. that's my right

i don't care anymore. i'm so tired of

you picking fights. leave me the

fuck alone if all u know how to do is

fuck me over and never take

accountability

just let me know if vicky and mikey

are okay. that's all

talk to dada

okay