Chapter Thirty-One

"Hey there, (y/n)," Quince called out from behind you.

"Oh!" you jolted as you turned around, "Hi, Quince." You sent a smile and a wave as you dusted your shorts off.

"No Jason?"

"Not now, no," you shook your head. "I think he might join me later, but it looks like I'll be alone again for a bit." You were too busy inspecting your clothing that you didn't notice Quince's serious expression. He took a step towards you.

"Isn't it time to let it go?" He asked. You paused and lifted your head to look at him. You couldn't analyze the expression he was displaying, but his face was devoid of his normal, soft smile. His neutral expression almost seemed angry...?

"I-I told you already," you stammered. "I just can't stop until I know. I don't want to forget about her, that would feel...wrong." He took another step closer and closed his hand around your wrist, effectively holding you from moving back further.

"(y/n)," he chanted. "You need to let her go."

"No!" you pulled at your hand.

"Please, you need to stop doing this," he pushed, stepping even closer, less than half a foot away. You furrowed your eyebrows.

"Why should I? Why does it bother you so much?" you questioned, looking up to meet his gaze.

"Please," he said softly, leaning his forehead to you. "I miss you."

You blinked in the silence, staring at him and trying to process the information.

"We have forever, Quince," you spoke after creating some distance between the two of you. You felt like something was becoming clear within you—an idea or a feeling that you could understand yourself if you tried hard enough. It wasn't the time for this. No, it's time to find Jenna, but you have an obstacle standing not a foot away from you. You felt like Quince was ultimately a piece of you and a piece of what you were trying to make sense of, as cheesy as that is, but this still just... wasn't the time.

"We...do," he spoke reluctantly. "But that doesn't stop me from wanting to be with you now. You feel far away from me."

"I'm keeping my distance from everyone and everything until I understand. I think Jenna might've been right about some things; I want to do what she was doing, and I want to understand," you said honestly. You knew Jenna didn't trust Quince, but you still did. You wanted to find out what you were doing here, but he was a part of that, obviously.

"I don't know how else I could make it clear to you," Quince frowned, his grip tightening slightly. "We're dead, (y/n), this is where we stay for all time. There is a more dead than what we are now, but it's very unlikely that it'll happen to either of us."

"Did it happen to Jenna?" you snapped. He was silent, staring at you. He was so concerned right now. If anything in this went wrong, he'd have to start all over and he was tired of starting over. He was tired of the losing battle.

"I can't tell you that right now," he dismissed.

"Then leave me alone until you can," you said before ripping your arm away from him and leaving.

"(y/n), wait—" he called, but he didn't move to follow you. He knew you needed space, or you'd really become upset with him.

He was upset with himself. He didn't plan well enough; things were going wrong. He could feel his brain twisting in on itself like a barrel of snakes. Was it time, already? Time to hit reset, time to say hello for the first time again?

Time for you to forget and him to do better?

"No, not yet. I can still try here," he thought. "There's nothing wrong with waiting." After all, he could still salvage this. When he figured out how to get you to calm down about Jenna, everything would be fine.

--

Cold, empty.

Everything and nothing.

Where the beginning and the end are the same

And if everything means nothing then nothing means everything. Consequence means very little unless you want it to, but you can't want anything when you don't exist.

When you are nothing.

When you are everything.

It is the same thing.

The only thing that makes anyone anything is separation.

Is difference.

If you are not different from everything then you are everything and if you are everything then you are nothing.

Do you follow?

Here I'll try to make an example.

If every single human had genius level reading ability—if we could all read anything and understand it, then genius would stop being "genius" and it would become average. Normal.

If every one of us gained the ability to run thirty miles per hour, it wouldn't be impressive anymore.

If you exist everywhere as everything (which you do) then you are nothing.

If you figure out what Hell house means, then it stops meaning anything. Hell house is only Hell house because it drives you in circles.

Death is only death because you stopped living.

Right, that's easy.

You live you stop you die. Then you go to hell, or whatever.

Most people know at least half of that.

But right now, in this weird nonsensical part of this story, you're not you.

You're Jenna, and you're over.

You lived, you stopped, died, and then you went to hell (or whatever), and you died again.

Everywhere, nowhere—same thing, and it's what you are.

--

You're melting. At least, you felt like you were. You'd been searching for at least an hour now, and you'd had three hallucinations in that time. Three! You wondered if that indicated anything—it could be from stress—but you had a feeling that it was the house fucking with you. The house upset because, just maybe, you were about to find the attic.

What would you do when you found it?

The obvious answer jumped at you; you should go inside. That idea was scary, though. You didn't know what was in there. If Jenna was there, though, you'd have to go in! right?

Right. You took a breath and kept looking. You were still feeling lightheaded from the most recent hallucination—one where the walls began to melt into your skin—but you didn't want to stop to take a break. You had to keep moving.

You were certain you were close. The energy in the area was just electric. It didn't look much different from any of the rest of the house, and you were sure that you had been here before. Maybe Jason was right when he suggested that the attic was only here sometimes?

It didn't make sense. You sighed sadly—you wished Quince was on your side. You wanted some sort of guide for all this. Was that unreasonable? Did he know what you were doing...?

Would he know if you found it? You were pretty sure you remembered someone saying that Quince is notified directly before someone is about to break a rule, so he probably would know but that doesn't mean he could stop you. Or maybe, even if he could stop you, you'd still be able to find some answers.

You were close, you knew it.

Your arm hair stood like you were some startled cat. The air was almost acidic and every step you took felt forced. Your heart beat faster.

Stairs.

You blinked once, and then again. You wanted to curse at the house. Stairs, fucker? And how long have you had those, exactly? Cuz I've never seen them.

You took a breath in, and the air felt thick. The stairs led up—they had to lead to the attic. You began climbing the narrow stairway. It was dark and cramped—you hoped it wasn't too long.

It was a strange sensation—climbing up stairs when you hadn't in so long. Before you knew it, though, the stairs stopped. There was a small landing—a square of floor with only one door on the other side. That...was it.

It had to be.

Your heart leaped in your chest as all the anxieties poured back into you. It was against the rules for a reason, right?

But what if it was just a rule to stop you all from leaving?

You didn't know if you wanted to leave, but you deserved to at least know if you had the option, right?

You shook the thoughts from your head. This is about Jenna right now. You reached for the doorknob. A bolt of electricity took ahold of your fingertips and drew you in closer. It was in your hands now; you could twist it and change everything. Should you?

Didn't you have to?

You twisted but—

"Stop!" Quince shouted, running to you. "Don't open that!"

"I finally found it," you said slowly as you stared at him, hand still resting on the door.

"You did, but please, don't open it," He spoke desperately. You wanted to listen to him. You wanted to leave it all alone, but you couldn't.

"Why can't we go in?"

"it's against the rules—"

"Why is it against the rules?"

"(y/n), I'm asking you not to go in there," he spoke, taking slow steps closer to you.

"I have to know what Jenna found," you shook your head. "This is the only place she could be." You turned back to the door with a newfound determination.

Before you could make a move, Quince grabbed your shoulders and pulled you away. He had meant to then turn you around and hold you in place, but the momentum of your surprise and his force lead you both to the ground. You groaned at the feeling of soreness in your back and winced. Quince stopped breathing for a moment.

His hands on either side of you—a sight he imagined often...Not now. He had to close off that part of his brain right now.

"You can't go in there," he repeated.

"I have to know what happened," you repeated back, trying to ignore the warmth of how close he was.

He stared into your eyes for a long moment before conceding, "I'll tell you."

"What?"

"I'll tell you what happened if you promise not to go in there," he spoke.

You didn't reply for a time, both of you sitting in silence and staring at each other.

"Ok," you agreed. "I won't go in if you tell me."

Quince's face instantly broke out into a smile warmer than you could handle. Even in this situation, he was still very charming, you supposed. Quince sat back on his heels and pulled you up halfway to hold you.

"Thank you," he said softly, whispering to the side of your head. You hugged him back. You were relieved, too.

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