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It took me several days and late nights to get some things done. Still it wasn't enough. I wanted to complete the started projects before my resignation.

Attending Sana's and Hassam's wedding proved to be nothing but a hassle. It couldn't be avoided. We had to go back to city due to my work.

Things weren't same as before. She was distant. It was expected. Our relationship had a major blow. Baby steps. That's what it needed to survive. I wasn't greedy for more. This feeling of content with what she gave me. It was freeing and nice.

The better part of me knew that things may never be same as before. It didn't matter. At least she was here in front of me. Just like this moment. With little love and little smiles and a small trust. Thing weren't that bad.

I watched her figure walk up the stairs as I climbed the stairs slowly few step behind. A smile tilted up on my lips, savouring the moment. It's been days since I could savour such small moments.

She stopped a few steps away from edge of the stairs instead of walking straight to our room. She held onto the railing with her palm on her temple.

I climbed two stairs at once to reach her. I pulled her palm away from her temple. My brows furrowed when I studied her figure. She looked weak and so frail.

"Kiya howa? (What happened?)"

"Shaddi ne shayad thaka Diya hai aur kuch nai. (The marriage has maybe tired me and nothing more.)"

It was my own carelessness. I was so busy that I didn't notice her physical state. She wasn't this thin and pale before. The excuse that she made didn't settle my mind so after walking her to the room.

I dialed the number of our doctor asking him to get here. It didn't matter if it was this late. If I wanted someone to come then they would. Unfair but this is the rule of this world. You have the world under your feet till you have the power to control it.

The doctor came almost an hour later. He checked her thoroughly while asking some small questions. Later he asked his assistance to draw some blood from Noor.

I beckoned him with ny eyes to walk outside so we could talk easily.

"What's wrong with her?"

"Mr Shah. Her B.P is very low. I have prescribed some medicine to get it leveled, But most important is that I believe that she is pregnant."

"What?"

"We will be sure after having a blood test. I could be wrong."

My mind couldn't take in the news. It badly wanted to deny the truth. So I made myself believe that doctor made a mistake and waited for the report to prove that he was wrong.

The whole night went sitting in living room inhaling one cigarette after the other. I couldn't relax until I saw it myself and when I did. It felt like the ground under my feets was swept off.

How could this happen? Even after being so cautious. It shouldn't have happened. I couldn't tell her because whenever she came in front of my eyes. The nightmare flashed in my mind.

It was like the insomnia struck me again. I would lay next to her watching and looking for any bad thing to happen. Paranoism, I knew subconsciously that it was only that and nothing more.

She was fine at this moment. I remember that it was same with Auntie and only later it was found that Auntie had preeclampsia. A condition in which there is abnormal raise in blood pressure in which the organ system of pregnant women may get damaged. It only onsets after 20th weeks.

You couldn't know anything before and unfortunately it could be inherited. I couldn't even read a single document or focus. My mind was continuously replaying a scenerio of her dying. Damn nightmares.

Things that could go wrong. There were hundred of those. In my fear after some days, I took a decision. A decision that teared my soul. I knew only one thing that I couldn't go through something like that again.

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The road to the clinic felt longer then usual. She was continuously asking me about where we were going and I couldn't exactly reply.

"Hum yaha kiya kar rahe hai. (What are we doing here?)" The car stopped at the front door of building.

"Apka checkup karwana hai. (We are going to have your checkup.)"

We were still sitting in the car. I didn't take the initiative to get out. Every breath felt heavier.

"Noor?" She turned her head in my direction.

My lips parted but no sound came out. She was waiting for me to say something. I just unclipped the belt and walked out to her side of door and helped her out.

We walked inside the clinic. I had already made the appointment. The nurse pulled us toward a room but she stopped before the threshold.

She looked straight at me with unnervingly gaze. "Jahan, Kiya ap mujh se kuch chuopa rahe hai? (Are you hiding something from me?)"

"Mein apko kise kisam k hathre mein ni dekh sakta. (I can't see you in any kind of danger.)" My eyes subconsciously slid to her belly as I said those words.

"Mat kare. (Don't do this.) We will solve everything together." She knew somehow and her eyes begged me to consider it.

"Aur agar ap zinda he narahe solve karne k liye to. (What if you won't remain alive to solve this then?)"

I couldn't look beyond my fear. A fear of losing her. A fear that was triggeed by my curse. There wasn't a single night when she didn't promise me the same end for Noor as her. How could I then look beyond this?

"Jahan, plz." Two nurse took hold of her arms and they pulled her inside the room. Her cries echoed in the hall. I could only stand still, clenching my fist tightly.

At some time they stopped , The doctor walked out. He gave me a a document in which it was written that this was happening with my permission.

"I have given her anesthesia." I was about to sign when he added in further.

"Mr Shah as a doctor. I would advise you to think about this matter again."

He only said those and left giving me time to consider. I tried to sign but whenver the nib touched the paper. My hand would shook. I couldn't make self do this. My resolve crumbled a bit as I saw her lying there on bed sleeping soundly.

Her cries and the nightmares kept flasing inside my brain. A fight for will which exhausted me. At the end, I decided to leave this to Allah.

The doctor came toward me. "Do you want to start the procedure?"

"No."

We will solve this issues together. Things would be different this time. insha'Allah. I will put my faith in Allah like she always adviced me to.

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Opening my lids. The first thing that my eyes saw as my vision got better. It was the white pristine celling. Every thing that happened few hours ago bombarded in my head.

My hand went to my now empty belly. A great sorrow hit my chest. It was worse then even Jahan's betrayel. The short lived feeling of motherhood was snatched away.

It was a joy for a woman to be a mother. A joy that remained with me for just some minutes. The morning when he took me here. I had this bad feeling. The kind of that I couldn't explain.

The feeling intensified when we walled through that corridor to this room. At the moment when I asked him what he was hiding. The reply that he gave me followed by the gaze on my tummy. Somehow everything just clicked.

I begged and I begged him with my cries but they fell deaf on his ears. How could he do this? My throat tightened. It was suffocating to be in this room.

I stood up from the bed. There was my chadar lying on the chair. I covered my head and body with it. Placed my feet in my sandals and walked out.

Walking out of the clinic. No one actually noticed me. I didn't want to find him. I didn't even want to see him.

I didn't know how long I walked. Lost in my sorrow and loss. I walked into a park and set on the bench. Sitting there looking at some couples playing with their children.

It felt like someone placed a stone on my heart. Jahan did something that I didn't know if I would be able to ever forgive.

"Noor." A very familiar voice echoed in my ear.

The same eyes that I loved some years ago stared back at me. I wiped away the tears.

"Why are you here?"

"I saw you on the road so I followed you. Are you okay?" He asked very tentaively.

"Ab yaad araha hai ye pouchna. (Now you remember to ask me this.)"

My tone was dripping with helplessness and bitterness.

"You didn't want me to."

I remembered what I told him that day. The last time that I met him alone after my nikkah.

"Everything will be fine. Just believe me. It will all sort out."

"How?"

I knew at that time what I was going to say next wouldn't be something that he would want to here.

"Allah will make everything right. You will move on. He will give you best partner to accompny you."

I looked away not wanting to say anything further but I heard him clearly. "But I want you."

"I wasn't meant to be yours. Main ab Jahan ki biwi ho aur maine ye bat qabool karli hai, dil se. (Now I am Jahan's wife and I have accepted it with my heart.)"

This was how I rejected our love. These were my last words. Even if I did that day. But what about before. Before my nikkah.

"In sb se pehle kaha the ap jb mujhe apke zaroorat the? (Where were you before all this when I needed you.)

When abba was sick. Where was he? He could have sent his parents a long time ago. Why didn't he? I looked straight in to his eyes as I poured my grievance. I wanted to blame someone. Blame for all the pain. For the loss of my baby.

"Where were you that night? Where were you?" I clutched his collar as my small fist thumped on his chest. The tears spilled my eyes as I felt the raw pain.

I look at him with my eyes full of complain and grief for what would have been lost. I wanted yell at this man and shout at him. If he had been present in Pakistan that night and not have gone away. Today I would have been his wife and I would have been because he was the person that I once loved.

I wouldn't felt the pain of betrayal by my husband. I wouldn't have lost my very first child. Time passed and every thing that I couldn't say poured out in form of tears and sobs.

I unclenched his shirt and pulled away, wipping my tear stained cheeks. It was stupid of me to act like this with another man.

"Muje aisa ni karna chahaye tha. Mein biwi ho kise k aur mujhe ye zaib ni deta. (I shouldn't have acted like this. I am somene else wife. It doesn't suit me.)

I stood up with my head straight intending to leave.

"I am sorry Noor."

I tilted my head side way as I started at him. "Ap kis leye maafi mang rahe hai. (Why are you aplogizing?)"

He looked downward in guilt and explained. "I showed Jahan first half recording of our last conversation."

It clicked somehow. His indifference of last years but somehow it didn't really matter to me. It all now looked something so small compared to what he did this time.

I was about walk away. When I heard him walk up to me. "Mujhe maaf ni Kiya. (You haven't forgiven me.)

"Ni. Abhe zakham thora taza hai. Isse bhar to lene de. (The wound is a bit frest right now. Let it heal.)"

"Will I ever see you again?"

When he stared at me like this. It felt like we were back to that time. When things were beautiful. When I was still a dreams waving teenager but reality was just that I had to grow up. From a hopeful teenager to a hopeless adult.

"No."

"Phir mujhe pata kaise chale ga k mujhe rehai mil gayi. (Then how will I know that I have been freed.)

I turned my head to look at him. "Main batadoge. (I will tell you.) But not now."

This was going to be last time that I would see Ibad. I was leaving every one of those giggles and smiles that I had with him here in this place to never look back at them again.

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