The lights were on. I set on the edge of the bed with my feet on floor. Looking at the wall in front. My thoughts ran from start to the end.

Indifference. Betrayal. Everything included. All aside but this was the worst that he did to me, to our relationship. I knew the fact that he didn't want to have children but I never thought that he would go this far to make that happen.

It must be again somehow related to Sara. It didn't matter but what mattered was the fact? That why his past experiences were affecting our present.

I could forgive everything but not this. An abortion without my consent. In my books. This was murder. A murder that I would never ever forgive or forget.

The door opened as he came in, shouting angrily in worried tone.

"I was looking for you everywhere. Kahan the ap. (Where were you?)"

My silence commenced in the room. I kept there sitting like a statue not reacting even a bit.

He set infront of me on his knees waiting for me to say something. I had no energy to hurl words or any curse at him.

"Kiya kiya ap ne. (What did you do?)"

"Kiya ni. Ruk geya. (I didn't. I stopped.)"

He grabbed my hands with his thumb stroking the back of it like he was trying to calm me down. I looked up sharply at him. He looked disheveled. Must have been worried sick when he couldn't find me but it didn't concern me.

"Karne to lage they na. (You were going to.)"

There was a relief knowing that he didn't let it happen but did it help his situation. No. My heart remained stuck at one point.

His lips parted and moved but there was no justification that he could give me to placate ny heart.

"Kiya karne lage they ap? (What were you going to do?)"

I looked straight in his eyes, wanting him to admit his crime. The crime that he intend to perform.

His grip on my hand tightened as he said only one word. "Main (I.) ______"

His lips quivered as he completed the sentence. "_________ abortion karwane laga tha. __________ was about to get you an abortion.)"

He added in further hastily. There was a quiver in those hands as he for the first time asked something that I didn't think he would ever.

"Maaf karde. Galti hogayi. (Forgive me. I made a mistake.)"

The words felt foreign from those lips but it didn't soothe my heart. With my past history of forgiving him for anything without even him asking for it verbally. These mare words should have melted the ice. But they didn't. They felt empty just as the man that I was looking at.

"Ni." I pulled my hands out of his grasp.

I could see the shock on his face on my clear rejection. The quivering fingers still took hold of my hand as those lips pleaded.

"Muhabbat karta ho main apse. Please main____ main kiya karoga. (I love you. Please What would I ______I do.)"

The confession came but at what time. If I heard it even yesterday. My heart would have bloomed with happiness. Now, His confession. His love. It all felt meaningless.

"Noor." He tugged my hands to hold them but I pulled them away again. There was this desperateness in those eyes that I never have seen before.

"Bewafai maaf karde the na Jahan. Qatal bhe maaf kardate. Biwi hona apki magar masla he to ye haina Jahan k main sirf biwi he to ni rahi. (I forgave your betrayal. I would have forgiven my murder too. Because I am your wife but the issue is that I haven't only remained a wife.)"

These words were enough for him to understand my meaning. He remained sitting there looking at me with his hands on my lap. Not holding onto anything just simply lying their. Hopelessness. The once that was expressed by me but now was reflecting from him.

Minutes passed. We set in our places like sculptures. He stood up and walked sone steps away with his back in my direction.

"Kiya chahte hai. Chala jao? (What do you want. Should I leave?)" The ending was more in a whisper like he was afraid to even raise this question.

It wasn't any warning. A complete helplessness of knowing the fact that I didn't need or wanted him anywhere near me.

"Ha. Chale jayi. (Yes. You can leave.)" The words that left my lips couldn't be expected if you looked back even a day before.

It broke his small hope. The hunch of his shoulder with rigid body form. It told everything.

A nod of his head and he walked to the door. He opened it and stopped there, looking behind once like looking for my confirmation.

When I moved my head away ignoring the plea that left in form of a single tear drop. I heard the footsteps moving away.

Something broke with his every step. It was my courage. The bravery that I exhibited. My chest felt heavy and my throat tightened. I didn't cry this time. No tear left any of my eye. Maybe If I had cried then my heart would have melted. I would have stopped him but now my heart only hardened more and more as my fingers tightened on fistful of bed sheet in my hands.

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Days passed since he left. Everyone was worried. There was no news about him. A worried mother would ask me the same question everyday. "Did he call you?"

I was expecting the same question to be asked today too but this time. It was different. Mummy came in my room with a beaming face.

"He attended the call today. Ap k bat karwao. (Do you want to talk to him?)"

"Ap bat karle phir main bat me hud karloge. (You should talk to him first. I will call him myself later.)

I said with a smile covering up for him. As if you covered someone flaw then Allah would cover yours. Secondly, I didn't want to receive more pity then I actually did.

The news of my pregnancy was overshadowed by Jahan's disappearance. His previous record added oil on the fire. He didn't cross my mind. I was more concerned with the life inside me.

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Walking outside with the wind blowing on me. Disbelieve was the only emotion that I could feel. My head and my heart couldn't still get it. The whole thing felt foreign. Like a movie or a dream.

Denial. I spent days and nights with that particular feeling, hoping for her to call me back to tell me that she still needed me. She still wanted me. It didn't happen.

First few days and nights were spent in a darbadar praying and waiting to be given what I lost. My hands raised in every prayer for her to be given back to me or my own self to be given back to her.

The first time that I prayed fajar realising the fact that I was no more necessary in her world. My mind was playing back the time when she asked me for a such a simple thing. I couldn't say no to her. How could I say no?

The namaaz felt tasteless without her. The dua felt empty knowing that she wasn't behind me with raised hands asking for things that I didn't know.

With the gradual realization came the sense. The sense and fear that I may lose her this way. Simple that I may have already lost her.

The first call. The very motherly voice after a long time soothed my depraved soul.

"Amy." My misery called out for those familiar arms to take me in. I felt like a small boy out of his mother's lap. Frightened, scared and very vulnerable.

"Kaha chale gaye ho? (Where have you gone?) I didn't notice the tears that silently streamed down my face like they did every time when I prayed. In the rememberance of that particular person who has left me.

"Kb aoo ge? (When you will come back?) I wished badly for some other lips to ask this question. Alas how could I have been this fortunate after all that I have done.

"Kisi ko naraz kardiya hai Ami. Narazgi door hogi to aapao ga. (I have distressed someone ami. I can only cone back when that distress will disappear.)

Months passed. Same question was asked and I had nothing but the same reply. Noor didn't even call me once. She learned to live without me.

What you would do when the person you love the most doesn't need you anymore. Or what to do with the fact that your confession doesn't matter anymore?

I told her that I loved her. There was no reply but wasn't it obvious that it didn't matter anymore. I never thought that this day would greet me. The day when my exsistance would be nothing but a mere formality in her world.

My home was my heaven. The heaven that was taken away from me due to my own deeds. My deeds which I was repenting on these days. I knew that I hurt her but wasn't this punishment enough. The punishment of being kicked out from your heaven. Couldn't it be enough? Can't she ask me to come back.

My sukoon( inner peace) was gone with her. Now I was just a nomad moving from one place to another with no sanctuary. I know that I am at mistake. I have sinned and caused pain to her heart. The place where Allah lives but Am I not deserving enough to be forgiven? To be given another chance?

The person that I lived for saw me as nothing. My insomnia grew worse and worse. The worry about what could happen or what may happen. It didn't leave me alone.

I was away but my fears were still there. I couldn't even look at her as confirmation to my awating eyes that she was fine. My every day was spent in fear of a bad news.

The ghazal played, pulling at the strings of my heart and those memories. Her memories. They played in front of eyes.

ہم نے جو کی تھی محبت

آج بھی ہے

تیرے زلفوں کے سائے کی چاہت

آج بھی ہے

Those silky smooth hair that my fingers used to run through. Her fragrance, the smile. Everything was right in my reach but still far away.

رات کٹتی ہے آج بھی

خیالوں میں تیرے

دیوانوں سی وہ میری حالت

آج بھی ہے

I was crazy. For her to even look at me. It didn't matter if she stopped loving me. Now I didn't want to own every part if her. I just wanted whatever could be given. I could just live with her presence. That's it. I would ask for nothing much.

کسی اور کے تصور سے اٹھتی نہیں

بے ایمان آنکھوں میں تھوری سی شرافت

آج بھی ہے

چاہ کے اک بار چاہے پھر چھوڑ دینا

دل توڑ تجھے جانے کی اجازت

آج بھی ہے

It didn't matter if she wantet to hurt me back. I could take it all. She could use all her words to slash my bleading heart. My lips wouldn't even release an ufff( protest). She could tell me all the time that she didn't even love me. She could even use Ibad name for all I cared. I just needed her with me. In front of me, from where my eyes could quench their thrist.

The phone was still in my hand when my fingers subconsciously dialed her number. It rang first, then second and then third before it was answered.

"Hello."

Then there was the voice that my ears longed to hear. My lips couldn't form a word. I felt like I was stuck and frozen.

The stretched silence and the sound of her breath before my name left those lips. The lips of my Mehboob.

"Jahan."

It felt like that the decades passed since my senses heared my name from her mouth. My heart felt heavy. Heavy with need of her love. It was still there. The wish for my love to be reciprocated. For her to lighten my overfilled heart.

Who was the one who broke this connection? I wasn't aware if it was me or her but a minute later. I had a phone showing disconnected call. My hand was shivering and when I touched my cheeks. They were damp.

Aur kitne lambe saza the mere? (How long my punishment was going to last?)

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