Warnings

☞ suicide attempt

☞ strong language

☞ trigger warnings

He felt his lungs inhale their first stabilizing breaths the second he heard the heart monitor beep with Niall's weak, but thankfully there, heartbeat.

The next two weeks showed no signs of Niall waking up from his induced coma. According to the doctors, he should have woken up 11 days ago, and the mere thought of losing Niall ate away at Zayn's heart.

After many hours spent staring at the younger man's lifeless body, Zayn has come to the conclusion that he had pushed Niall away from him because he deemed him too good for someone as corrupted and wicked as himself. All the blond's attempts at mending all the burned bridges between them did not go unnoticed by Zayn; they only served to fuel the need to keep such purity away so that he would not taint him or have to watch him die as he did his mother.

He would rather Niall hate him and live than love him and die.

Yet, he had the death of Niall on his hands because he severed whatever light was left in his soul with his cruelty.

All memories of watching the smile on Niall's face fall because he simply could not stop the need to have Niall hate him attacked his mind and ate at his conscience.

He remembered how it felt like to wake up to Niall in his arms and the fear that overcame him at how complete he had been at the moment; like nothing or anyone but him and his husband mattered. He felt human again, and this alone was enough for him to lash out at Niall and insult him in ways that made his own skin crawl. He could not allow himself to nurture whatever feelings he had for Niall in his heart because he could not imagine what would happen if he allowed his heart to beat for someone other than himself.

He emptily laughed at the reasons he gave himself as to why he treated Niall in the way he did. He never saw Niall as an object. Niall was his only weakness.

As much as it went against every logical cell in his body, he wished for Niall to wake up so he would confess everything to him.

Zayn looked up from where he had his head buried in his hands at Niall's unmoving body. He grabbed the wooden chair, moved closer to the bed and allowed himself to hold Niall's frail hand in a gentle grip.

"Niall ... I ... I really don't know what to say, but I've never wanted anything more in my life as much as I want to hear your voice right now. Please wake up? I can't even ask you to do it for me because I don't deserve it, but do it for yourself? You deserve so much better than the life I forced you into and I wanna make it up to you if you will let me. I am too ashamed to ask for a chance to explain myself because nothing would excuse what I did to you, but at this moment I would do absolutely anything that would restore the innocence in your eyes that I foolishly stole. I don't even know if what I'm saying makes sense but I hope that you can hear me. I'm sorry it took me you trying to kill yourself to realize that by wanting to protect you, I've been harming you all along."

Zayn sighed despondently at the lack of response from his husband and clung to the tiny ember of hope in his heart that felt like it hasn't been beating properly ever since he found Niall almost dead by his bed.

Feeling like there was nothing more he can say for the time being, Zayn moved to the couch that has been his bed for the past two weeks, for he only left the hospital for a shower and a change of clothes. Of course, that did not sit well with his father who viewed his unwillingness to leave Niall's side and resume whatever tasks their fucked up world needed as a sign of weakness on Zayn's behalf.

And for the first time in his life, Zayn could not give a fuck about what his father thought about him.

The end of the third week of Niall's hospitalization found Zayn sitting once again by the bed, desperately pleading for him to open his eyes and be okay again because Zayn was at his wits' ends.

"Just open your eyes Niall. Wake up and tell me you hate me; I don't care. I just want you to be okay. Please." Zayn whispered, tears shining in his sleep deprived eyes.

A hand softly squeezed his own back and Zayn thought he was dreaming. His head snapped up and he almost fainted when he saw Niall's blue eyes staring back at him.

"N-Niall?"

"Water." He brokenly whispered. Zayn pressed the call button and a nurse immediately came into the room.

Zayn watched as the doctor and nurses bustled around checking his vitals, still not comprehending the fact that Niall was really awake.

A few minutes later, they were finally alone in the room and Zayn was not sure what to say.

"So . . . I heard everything you said." Niall was the first to break the heavy silence in the room.

"Y-You did?" Zayn croaked nervously, unlike anything he's ever felt before. He felt like his future depended on this moment. "Do you believe me, then?"

"I just don't understand why would you do this Zayn. You said you care about me, but you also said you wished I were dead." Niall looked at him with a hurt that wrapped around Zayn's heart and squeezed at it painfully.

"Niall, I want you to understand that the only reason that made me act so cruelly was only to keep you safe. I did not want you close to me in fear that I would lose you. Yet, I knew I was already gone for you the second you walked into your house that day. I knew I wasn't gonna leave without taking you with me.

The only way you could be in my life without my father corrupting you is as my husband, so I married you. God Niall, that day I woke up with you in my arms scared me to death but made me realize that you effortlessly built a place for yourself in my heart." The older man paused to take a breath, and Niall watched as tears slipped down Zayn's face, but he wasn't deterred.

"I know I don't deserve to ask this from you, but can you please give us another chance? I promise I will spend the rest of my life showing you how sorry I am, if you'll let me." Zayn looked up and bored his intense and honest gaze into Niall's eyes, hoping he would find it in his heart to forgive him one day.

"Zayn, in case you haven't noticed I've been trying to make something out of what we have but you never allowed it. I don't think I'm ready to give back what you have to offer because I don't even love myself right now, but if you'll wait for me, then I would love to start over. I just need time." Niall gave him a shy smile, some of the light returning to his baby blues.

Zayn nodded frantically, too overwhelmed for words.

"But Zayn . . . what about your father? your world? Ella? I don't fit in all of that." Niall voiced his worries.

"Ella doesn't matter to me, you do. As for my dad, it won't be easy distancing myself from what he does and leaving the gang, but I would do anything to keep you safe. I need time too." Zayn released a nervous breath, feeling like everything might be okay after all for the first time in three weeks.

In that moment Niall knew that they both have demons to fight and scars to heal, but they would do it together, and he knew in his heart that at the end, he'll have Zayn by his side; his husband. Something he only dreamt of having in his wildest dreams.

A•N•

Second part was requested. Tell me your thoughts?

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