this is the second part to Dear Zayn, it'll just be Zayn's response to Niall's letter after finding it. Enjoy!

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Dear Niall,

I really don't know what to say.

I really don't.

I just can't- think straight right now. Haven't been able to since. . . that day. How could I? Knowing I'm partly responsible for what you did. And I say 'partly' because you chose to do it. Not that I'm blaming you at all, no, it's just that- well - I really don't know what I'm saying right now to be honest. My thoughts are all jumbled up, kind of like your earbuds always used to be.

Yes, I did actually notice you. But that was when we were younger. I used to have a crush on you, how could I not? You were just, so quiet yet eager to make people smile that you drew me in with your charm. I wanted to talk to you, but the words always got caught in my throat. I couldn't do it.

I used to daydream and fantasize about talking to you for the first time, I would make some funny joke or statement and you would laugh. We would become friends, and from there best friends. And then sometime in the future, I would have the courage to ask you out.

But, all that changed when we were in 9th grade.

You became so distant and detached from everyone. You were hurting and I, like a foolish coward, was scared of not being a ble to fix you. So I just kind of- turned my back on you. I left you hurt, moved on with my life, found a different guy and all the time- never looked back once at the boy I left broken.

Until now.

But it's too late.

And I'm sorry for what I did to you.

Because what you did to yourself is not something that can be fixed.

And now, well, I have to watch you being lowered to the ground in a coffin.

Do you know how much that hurts to write down? Let alone think about?!

It fucking hurts! So much. So so much.

And I don't think I can do it.

I don't think I can go to your funeral.

I can't.

I'm scared of what I'll do if I show up. Maybe I'll cry. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just leave immediately. I don't know what will happen. That's what scares me.

I may not love you. I may not even like you. But you were my first crush. And because of that, you're not someone I can forget that easily, not someone whom I still don't have deep feelings for.

I still care about you Niall. I really do. But there's no denying the fact that I don't love you like you love me.

I wish you could've just moved on. Moved on and forgotten about me, I'm wasn't and still am not worth what you did to yourself. If I had known earlier about your feelings for me, I would've done something. Tried to help you. But that's the thing.

I didn't know.

Maybe if I had looked back at you, the broken boy I left behind, no of this would have happened. Maybe if I had had the courage to help you when you changed, things would be different. Maybe if I had said something to you that day at the park, you would still be alive.

That was my second greatest mistake, not noticing you there at the park. I was too caught up in my own thoughts to even see or hear you. It wasn't until the police handed me your letter, and after reading it that I found out about that day.

Maybe, if I leave, I'll meet you where you are and I'll be able to say sorry personally.

Who the hell am I kidding, Niall.

Maybe I do love you the way you love me. I'm probably too stubborn to admit it.

You were the boy who was always quiet yet eager to make people laugh.

You were my first crush.

You were the boy I left behind.

You are the boy I let slip away.