"i don't get it! why do i feel like someone just killed my dog?" i questioned, gripping at the ends of my sweater. "i-i know i told him i wouldn't be upset, but my blood is literally burning and my stomach is churning." matt shook his head and sighed as i poured out my feelings.

"listen, i can understand what you're feeling, but my only advice is to somehow block it out. you know deep in your heart that you just want him to have happiness. and even if it hurts you, you have to understand that it's not completely your fault. we say dumb things, do past things that really mess up our present self." he chuckled and closed his eyes. "it's not always your fault though. people change, emotions change. it's just a matter of unknown feelings." rubbing my face with the palm of my hands, i start to feel those same butterflies as matt placed his hand on my knee. "i know it stings. i know you're begging to go back and fix what ever could have caused this, but we have to move on."

"matt, are you implying-"

"no! no i'm sorry." he removed his hand and tucked them in his jacket pockets. "sorry. no i just meant you're going to have to move on..."

-

deciding to cook dinner for the rest, i threw the noodles into the pot of boiling water and watched as it slowly started to affect it. making it become weaker. "hey." eden smiled, sitting in the chair i placed out for myself.

"wassup?" i forced a smile and swirled the noodles around in the pot. "i heard some things got a little spicy earlier." turning back, i watched as her face became a tomato red.

"i guess you could say that..."

"what happened? you have to give me details?" i was trying so hard to sound believable, and because i've had to fake a smile in the past, this didn't hurt as bad as i thought it would.

"well i was already wanting to talk with cam. ya know, our whole conversation last night." i hummed to show i was listening. "well after i ate my breakfast i wanted to go on a walk to the beach. see the beautiful blue ocean. but his blue eyes caught my attention instead. and his lips... and his anger." she coughed away the awkwardness and groaned. "i'm your guys' manager. i shouldn't be thinking like that."

"hey, the heart wants what it wants." i shrugged and continued to swirl the noodles. she was quiet as her thoughts were getting fogged with him.

thinking of this whole thing is making me feel sick like last time. "do you think you could continue cooking, i don't feel well?" she nods and allows me to wonder back to my tent.

my hands clutch my sweatshirt as my salty tears streamed down my face, falling into my pillow case. i know this is all my fault. my eyes closed slowly, my body wanting me to fall back to sleep, but my brain had a million thoughts coursing thoroughly it.

i had this reoccurring curse with relationships. i'm just done. i don't understand what it is about me? am i really that unlovable? "audrey, dinner is done, cunt." mason shouts into my tent, causing me to shove my head deeper into my pillow.

"okay." i whisper out, not allowing my cracked voice to overcome me.

staring at the crowd on friends, i threw up a facade that was held up by a smile. i'm fine. i'm not allowed to feel like this. i told myself no. "hey guys!" i cheerfully waved, padding over to the pots and pans full of food. they all waved back, cam strumming on his guitar.

"i call this, the campfire song song." he squealed out, causing us to all burst into a fit of laughter. sitting beside swagger, i allow my head to rest on his shoulder whilst i take in the warmth from the warm spaghetti i held in my hands.

"so..." swagger says, interrupting cam's playing. "I BLESS THE RAINS DOWN IN AFRICA!" covering my ears from the sudden outburst, the food drains out of the bowl, dripping down my legs and burning my delicate skin.

"oh fuck!" i moaned, trying to flick off the bowl but failing miserably. cam threw his guitar down and ran to grab napkins. watching as he wiped down my legs, my eyes began to water. i suspected it to be the hot food burning my flesh, but my heart said otherwise. "thanks." my hands wiped away the tears and stood to go take a shower in the public restroom.

they just all sat and stared as i trudged away to my tent to gather my toiletries.

cam was right. these trips fucking suck...

twisting the handle, i felt the warm water beat against my skin. showers are so peaceful. the pure silence of just water hitting now wet surfaces. but because of silence, thoughts start to invade your head, along with lyrics. i miss music. i miss yung gravy. i start to hum along to his songs, finding myself to switch between them.

i need to take a chill pill. i think everything is on high and needs to come back down to a mild temperature. i think i'm just over thinking things.

did cam ever care? it seemed like every time he made a move he was high.

that's not true. our first... kiss. he was there. like his body and mind was there. his heart was there.

-

i rub the lotion into my legs and feel the nike shorts i had on start to rise as i continued to bend over. "what the hell was that?" my body froze out of fear. what did she mean? what was what?

"eden, the the fuck are you talking about?" my mind was racing a million times an hour. if this cunt thinks she's going to make me, ME, feel guilty for cam's actions, i will not be sorry for whatever comes out of my mouth next.

"cam? i don't know... i thought you said he was interested in me? why is he always all over you?" tightening my grip on the bottle of lotion, my teeth entrapped my bottom lip.

"i'm sorry, eden." i seethed, placing down the bottle and pulling at my shorts. "maybe i was wrong. because every once in a while, i'm allowed to be wrong."

"that kiss though. didn't it mean something to him? did he feel nothing?" at this point, her string of words were going over my head. plus, how does she know he isn't involved with her? "he-he went back to his tent after you left. i went to go talk with him but he shooed me away."

the tiniest smile ran across my lips, but i tried to hold it back as hard as i possibly could. her eyes found me, words fumbling out of her mouth as her mind wondered. "he just seems-"

"so far away."