why was that always my example of him? why was he always so far away? he could be sitting right next to me, talking about his day and everything around him would still feel so far away...

sitting alone in a tent i have been gifted with, my fingernails carve into my legs, writing out the enmity that flowed within me.

it happened to be when i felt okay again that everything flips around me. that someone comes in and starts nagging about the very things that was causing my blood to boil or my eyebrows to cave in.

so now i'm thinking in one lined paragraphs, trying to explain to myself what was causing such enragement. what was causing such a pure feeling to become so hellish. maybe it was those three words that spilled off my tongue too often.

i hate you

it wasn't what everyone would be expecting of me. my thoughts are normally too childish to even come up with that four letter word. the four letter word that people often misuse and misjudge.

i don't hate him. no, i adore the thought of him. i adore him in general. but the sickening feeling of his heart belonging to someone else was what i resented. it was what caused these nail marks that sunk deep into my knees, the reasoning my puffy red eyes are staring at the mesh top of my tent.

soon, i feel my engraved legs begin to hoist me up, sending me to my feet as my damp hands that have been consistently wiping away my tears grab onto the metal zipper. and then, i feel the wave of fresh air. i feel all those emotions begin to sink deeper. to become buried into place. because when you don't feel those emotions at that very moment... just know they are tucked away for a later day.

lying in the grass, i place my folded hands over my stomach and let my eyes search for home in the stars. i wish toby were here. i've heard she had ways with words. ways of making someone who feels like they need to down a whole gallon of happiness to become content with themselves. i need someone like that. i aspire to be like that.

the buzzing in my phone extracted me from the hypnotizing scene. my eyes quickly darting to the bright screen. cameron tweeted...

so uh. how about those billie eilish songs?

at this point, i knew he was feeling as sick as i was.

"mind if i join you?" his scruffy voice reached my ears as he laid beside me, his knees bent. he swallowed harshly and rested his head on his arms that he folded behind himself.

"eden was wondering if you were okay..." my voice was shallow. he scoffed. everything was so simple at this very moment. simple responses.

"i'm sure she was." he sounded so carefree but also had hurt behind his facade. "she doesn't reach out to me like you do." his head turns to me, inspected my face as i kept my eyes on the sky. "i'm sorry."

"stop it!" i grabbed at my hair and raised to my knees. "stop apologizing! just stop. i'm sick of it. i'm sick of hearing your apologies. fuck. i'm tired of hearing my apologies." the air around us became stiff, showing the awkwardness. "i feel like it's all we every say."

"because it is. because i'm always fucking up."

"you didn't fuck up, cameron. i did. i fucked myself up. i said i wasn't going to act this way. but i lied to myself." i cried, once again digging my nails into my legs. "i tried so desperately to get away from you, to search for happiness in something that couldn't break my heart. but your little heart kept pulling me in." i poked his chest and fell back to my first position.

"i don't regret it." he breathed.

"what? what don't you regret?" my voice came out much more hurtful that intended.

"pulling you closer. i don't mind it. because after today i know i don't want anyone else but you, audrey." he's so cliche, and moving in so close. "i'm mad for you."

his lips brushed against mine, and i wanted so badly to push him away, but the smell of his expensive cologne poured into my nose. he was enticing. gently, he lowered himself further, filling the minuscule gap between us.

it was like a movie scene. the open set of stars above us, his lips on mine... my hands running through his gorgeous hair. just him in general.

he was so passionate and believed what he believed. it didn't matter what anyone else thought but him. if he cared for me, he wasn't going to let anyone stand in the way. no, he was entitled to his own opinion.

taking in the crisp air as he retracted, i felt his hands trail up my torso, a shaky breath rolling off of his lips. tears slipped through my eyelids as i gazed into his blue eyes.

"d-did i do something wrong?" he frantically questioned, pushing himself off of me.

"i don't know." he chuckled lightly and messed with my hair. "so, those billie eilish songs, aye?"

"oh, fuck up, cunt." he laid beside me once more, his eyes playing connect the dots with the stars. "i told the stars about you." he sighed, keeping his gaze on the night sky. "that night i felt like i was never enough for you, i laid outside just like this and told the stars about you."

that's it. that's when i knew.

"i pushed my emotions out and watched them float away into the empty abyss." hearing his words made my heart bleed. "that night, every inch of my body curled up and just felt the wind against me."

"deeep." i joked, seeing his eyes narrow and a smile spread like butter across his fair skin. atheists could see heaven in those eyes that i loved so deeply.

there is a beauty inside of him that is thousands of years old. too old to be captured in poems. too old to be loved my everyone. but loved soo deeply by a chosen few.

knocking me away from my thoughts, my eyes watched as his head turned back to me. knowing his mind was circling with many ideas, i allowed myself to stay quiet, awaiting his words.

"you seem so far away."