Life is Worth Living (Purpose)

lips were soft. So damn soft. They pressed against mine in such a way that felt like I was among the clouds, drifting off to a place of paradise. I didn't want it to end. I wanted it to last forever. The way his hand lightly held my face, guiding my lips to move in sync with his was impeccable, rushing these waves of euphoria that I haven't felt in such a long time. I felt everything hit me all at once. The comfort. The happiness. The need. The devastation.

I wanted him. In that moment I knew. I knew in certainty that I wanted him. I wanted his kiss and I wanted his company.

It didn't occur to me that for some reason, I wanted the company of a stranger. I wanted to kiss a man I didn't know existed until last week. I wanted to hold a man I didn't even know the last name of.

And it sure as hell didn't occur to me that maybe I was losing my mind.

I drew away from the kiss, unable to continue with the thoughts that were invading my mind. His eyes were closed when I opened mine, his hand still against my face in a soft touch. When he looked at me a second later, I couldn't help but smile. He looked beautiful, almost excessively. His eyes were a tint of green I've never seen before and they held such a familiarly unfamiliar warmth that I couldn't get enough of.

"Now that," he whispered in a deeper tone, "is something."

I couldn't help but smile. "Damn right."

He chuckled. "Was that the something you promised me?"

"Hmm, no," I shook my head, reaching to run my thumb over his scruffy beard. "Besides, you kissed me."

"And I wanna do it again," he whispered before leaning in again. I couldn't reject him, because I wanted him to do it again. I wanted him to steal my breath away with his remarkable lips. And even though I knew that I should push him away, I couldn't. There was no way we would last the test of time, more so since I would outlive him. And I couldn't bear to do that again. Not after Alexander.

This time, he pulled away first, almost drawing a noise of rejection from me, which I made sure to refrain from making.

I opened my eyes and saw him smiling at me. "How about I show you that something now?"

His smile widened. "I'd be happy to follow you anywhere."

I almost laughed. "Anywhere?"

He nodded, assured of his answer.

"And if I end up taking you to a dark alley for," I paused, giving him a look to spark cautiousness, "reasons I can't really vocalize?" I teased.

He shrugged, his smile unaltered. "I guess I'm gonna die a happy death, then."

I was going to let out a laugh and rebuke him for his corny line, but his eyes changed right after he spoke. A look of agony sharped the green in his eyes, making them look dark and tortured. I froze, unable to understand what was going on. It couldn't be something I said; I was only teasing him. His changed vibe gave me a sense of assurance that it wasn't because of me he looked so pained. I guess its human nature to assume that someone quick change in mood is out fault. Or maybe it's just me looking for issues that aren't there.

But I couldn't ignore what was going on in front of me. I couldn't ignore the way he looked so lost in thought, unable to snap out of whatever argument he was having with himself. There was this inexplicable pain that wounded my heart at watching him this way. I wish I could understand why I cared so much for him this soon, why I wanted to erase the agony from his eyes in any way possible, why I felt like there was so much more to us than what could be seen.

Reaching for his hand, I smiled softly at him. When his attention didn't turn to me, I grasped his face and caressed his face in a soft manner with my thumb. Finally, his eyes returned to mine and he seemed to have regained his focus. "Are you alright?" I couldn't help the worry that was evident in my voice.

He smiled. "Of course I am, why?" His hand covered the hand that was on his face and I felt my tightened heart thaw.

"I just-you looked so out of it and I thought you were thinking of something unpleasant," I rehashed, "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

His smile evaporated and he leaned in close. "I am okay. I'm sorry I made you worry about me."

"But were you thinking of something terrible or?"

A moment of silence passed after I spoke before he let out a oft breath. "I was. But it's something that I don't go a day without thinking about, so I don't want you to think it had anything to do with you. It was about me and something that happened way in that past that still has a huge impact on my life and will do so for as long as I shall live."

My eyes widened as the words dawned on me. I can't put to words how weird it is to hear someone talk about an issue that you yourself struggle with and have been struggling with for a long time. Surely, he was talking about a problem severely different than mine, but I have never heard someone else speak in a way that I felt the same way about. I never went a day without thinking of it. There was never a day where I wouldn't spend so much precious time on trying to remember when it happened or even just why it happened, specifically to me. Funny how it's ironic, no? I'm wasting precious time that others have so little of that I have so much of. It never ends, this cycle of watching life age while staying still. I wanted it to end; it was so painful, so damn painful, to watch people age with life and find love that will mature and grow with time until both parties fade into the inevitable part of life.

I don't have that; that option isn't open to me. I just want to find my purpose in life, because at the rate I'm going, life is just a pointless black and white movie. Sad part is, I could sleep through those movies while I have to sit through life for its endless runtime.

A soft chuckle from Harold brought me out of my thoughts. "What?"

He shrugged, pulling my hand from his face and holding it under the table. "I guess it's my turn to ask you if you're okay. You dozed off for a minute there, love."

Oh. "Yeah, I was just thinking about how true what you said was. It wasn't anything disturbing that I was thinking about."

"You agree?"

I nodded. "Why, is that a surprise to you?"

He laughed. "Yeah, it actually is."

"Why?" I peered, trying to a grasp of what he was saying.

"Well, what I was thinking about isn't simple, although I wish it was. It's this unavoidable problem that keeps going on and on and I don't know how to end it. It's never the main problem. It's like the molten lava underneath the surface of Earth. It's there and you know it's there. It never really presents its self as the main problem. But as time passes, you can feel it impacting your life greatly just as you can see the impact the molten lava has on Earth, changing its physique and before you know it, causing natural disasters in places that have never experienced it before. It's the same way. My life if great, I couldn't complain, but this, it's always there, waiting for something great to come into my life and then crashing into it like a baseball bat into a Piñata and just ruining everything. At some point, you give up. I gave up. Life has become so plain and I wish there was a way to make it feel more dynamic, more vibrant. But everything I try, fails. So, here I am.

Which is why I was surprised when you agreed with the way I view my problem. Usually people have problems that are actively causing problems in their lives, from which they can recover from if they dedicate to it. And I assumed that was it for you to. But for me, there is no way to recover. I've tried to recover for as long as I remember and I just don't even understand what caused it in the first place. So, I don't know where to even start looking for a solution. It's surprising that you have something in your life that makes you feel the same way. I have met many people in my lifetime and you're the first person to do so."

He spoke with such sincerity, with so much heart and thought put in it, you'd think it was a speech he took weeks to prepare. But it wasn't. Words came to him with easiness, allowing him to twist them into beautiful sayings that shot into the hearts of those who listened. I'm sure of this, because that's what happened to me. I psychically understood him. I understood his words in whichever way possible and there was nothing more beautiful.

"You have a certain way with words, Harold," I smiled softly, looking at him in what could only be a mix of wonder and amazement.

"Do I really?" He asked, looking honestly curious. Bless his heart.

Reassuringly, I nodded. "Yeah, you sure do. What you said was so engaging and full of a truth I haven't heard someone speak of before."

"You're being too sweet," he shook his head, a smile lurking at the edge of his lips.

"No, I'm not," I countered humorously, "You just don't know how to take a compliment."

"Wha-" he began but cut short before changing the direction of what he was going to say. "Fine, I'll tell you what. I'll accept your compliment, if we can leave this restaurant and see that something you promised."

I took a moment to respond. "Alright, just let me pay for this," I said, turning around and waving for the waiter.