All I see is white. White walls. White mattresses. White windows. And every single corner and detail is white. Whiter than my past. Whiter than my heart. Whiter than white. And she's there. Standing in the middle of the room with a white long dress and smiling at me like she knows all my secrets and all my plans. Like she's my mother and she knows best. Smiling at me like she knows I am sorry and she doesn't care. And most importantly, she smiles like I am forgiven. And then I knew where I am. It must be heaven if she's here, dressed in white like angels. And it must be heaven because I am forgiven and loved; where else will I be? But then I am no good. No heaven would take me.

She turned the other side and started walking away. Fear arose in my veins. I couldn't lose her again.

"Hazel! Don't go, please! Don't leave me!"

She turned slowly and looked at me, eyes full of pity if not disgust.

"And why wouldn't I? Are you capable of protecting me? Are you capable of making me stay? And most of all, are you worthy of keeping me?"

I can feel her eyes piercing mine. The fire in them so true that it physically hurts. The pain was manageable, but the guilt wasn't. I did this. It's all my fault. I can't even protect her for god's sake! She was taken right in front of my eyes.

"But I love you. I really love you. I would do anything for you. I would kill for you. Hazel... I would die for you," I said as unexplained agony circulated my body and messed with my voice tone.

"Not enough. I am gone now. And it's all your fault."

And I can't move. And she starts to cry. And she starts to bleed. And there's blood everywhere. On her dress. On her arms. On her face. What was once tears became now blood. And I struggle, but it's useless. I scream her name, and she looks terrified. And I can feel a scream building in her throat but dies within her mouth for she defies to admit her weakness. Another bloody tear runs down her cheek. She sighs.

"Goodbye, Richard."

And she disappears. Like she was never there.

"NO! HAZEL! COME BACK!" I scream my lungs out. "I will be good this time. I will protect you. I am already a changed man. Please, come back," I say as I crumble and fall to my knees.

I must be dead. Because if I wasn't, I would be now.

But I'm not. And I have to admit that I have never been as disappointed. Death will be my only relief if I lose her.

It turns out I was dreaming. Or, well, nightmare-ing. And I don't know if I should be glad that wasn't real or miserable for waking up to a reality that kills what's left of my soul. I am just tired, I guess. Sluggishness cripples through my body, driving me back to sleep, but my fear has the upper hand so I know there isn't more sleep for this occasion. I should go take a cold shower to alert my senses, and sit think where to start looking. Apparently, the police isn't of much help. I shouldn't depend on anyone but myself for there's no one to blame but myself.

*********************

I step out of the shower wet and weak. I remember stepping out of it yesterday with a head full of picnics and butterflies. I remember finding her sipping on her coffee and staring through the window. I remember tracing my fingers down her red sleeves and kissing the back of her skull. I remember her fingers finding their way between mine and forming a very intricate net that only lovers can understand. Her head rested on my chest, which was once cold from the shower but then warmed by the fever that mingles within her head and radiates through her hair. She warmed my heart. But now it's cold. Everything is cold. The water drops that slide down the back of my neck to dissolve into my shirt, they give me shivers that only reminds me how much I miss her. She was my sun and my moon. All the stars and what's beyond. The spark that glisters in the middle of my darkness. The one thing I wanted to reach but failed. Actually, the one thing I ever want. She's my fire. Now I am darker than the night.

I refuse to give in. I refuse to lose her. I am the weakest person I know. But not now. Not until I find her.

I crash on the couch, trying to shove the sentiments away. But it's hard when every detail, no matter how slight, reminds me of her. Then I try to remember what life did I have before her, but, surprisingly enough, there's not. It wasn't a life. They were years and months. Weeks and days. Hours and minutes. Sadistic seconds. But no life. Nothing. If time was a ship, I would be a passenger with no destination. But then I met her. And she was my destination.

I refuse to lose her. WAKE UP YOU USELESS BAG OF CRAP! I yell to myself. YOU WILL LOSE HER IF YOU DON"T ACT LIKE A FREAKING MAN!

I refuse to lose her.

I look at her necklace that I multiply wrapped around my wrist. Then it hits me suddenly. Her work place. They must know her name. Maybe they even have a CV with her picture in it. Although it's just a bookstore and I don't think they require a "CV", at least they must know her name. I rush to my phone to call detective Danes, but I stop. It's four in the morning. I don't even doubt that he's sleeping. Even the book store she works in must be closed by now, and it's not less than four hours till it opens. Then what should I do for now?! Drive myself insane? Sleep? I know I can't. Then what?

Her apartment.

Maybe I should take a look first. Before I bring some strangers to her home. I mean out of protecting her privacy, but, mainly, out of curiosity. I am the right person to do this job. I couldn't think of a better candidate. She wouldn't mind, would she? I have been to her flat twice. She said it to me openly and uncovered: she did mind people stepping into her privacy. That's why she purposely spent less time at her apartment. When we were together, we either spent the time outdoors or at my place. She loved discovering but not to be discovered. I didn't mind, though. She was to demand, and I was to fulfill.

No questions. No arguments. I did all I can do to please. And she was nice. She stayed. But this time I can't sit still and wait for her to order me. Because she's not here anymore. And I can't play with her rules because the game is over. I need to find her. Her apartment is where I should start.

But I was clearly told not to improvise. It's the police's job, I was told. But... only one person gets to tell me what to do. And that's not a detective. What does that Danes even know about her?? He simply knows nothing. And she would want me to do the hunt in her flat. Not a complete stranger. I took a moment of hesitation.

I will do it. Now.