《Her Name Is Havoc》An excerpt from Caroline's journals

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You know you're sane when you acknowledge the signs of your insanity. You heard it somewhere that admitting to the cause is the first step in dealing with it. Patience and consideration come next. Be positive and hope for the best. Approve of each and every improvement no matter how slight. And, even it's really hard and agonizing sometimes, try to remember. And you followed all these, right? Why aren't you getting better then? So you start wondering if you'll ever do.

I sang to a bird today. I found it three days ago in my backyard. With a broken wing, it struggled to fly but failed. It continued to jump and fall violently until I felt so sympathetic and couldn't watch it hurt anymore. I scooped it up and took it inside. After cleaning its feathers from whatever grass and dirt caught up in them, I took it to the veterinarian. It received its medical treatment and was taken back home by me. Sorry, I haven't mentioned that earlier, Dan.

I sang it a lullaby. I thought that will help it sleep. I wanted it to like me. I don't know why I've been obsessed with this idea lately. But I really want that bird to like me. Maybe like a mother. To need me. To wait for me. To look out for me. As if it's possible.

I called Justin the other night. To tell him about the bird. He said we should give it a name. He said we should call it Leo. But I screamed and broke into tears. I yelled at him with a "NO!" because how dare he bring that name up again?! Why is it really hard for him to forget about that name?! It's like he knows everything, and he'd trying some mind games on me. Or maybe because he liked Leo. That's another reason I've been feeling guilty for today. I robbed Justin of something he loved and now I'm breaking it all over his head just because it's triggering my conscience.

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I called him later to apologize and he said I shouldn't even have called and that he's sorry for bringing up such a saddening topic. And then it came to me, what in the world did I do to deserve someone like him? He even promised me to search everywhere for Leo and to never give up. He probably thinks he's just missing like everyone does. Everyone but me.

The reason I dig that birds affection remains a mystery. Maybe I'm just acting all maternal because it's what I've always wanted to experience. To be a mother. So I spend all day caressing it and humming to it some melodies. I made it a small bed and bed sheets. I even prepared a tiny stuffed pillow. The bird stayed in bed all day for the past three days. It was hard to know whether it was out of comfort or submission due to physical incapability of moving. Maybe it's the latter. So I took an oath to take good care of my baby bird till it becomes able to leave the bed on its own. Or maybe fly again. I really hope it will one day. It will make mama proud.

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