Dear Julian,

I saw it in your eyes. Anyone else would have missed it, but not me.

I saw that flicker... the way your eyes lightened just a shade—from your usual, beautiful russet, to a tinted copper. It happened when you said her name.

Eileen.

Now, I'm not sure if that slight, momentary change in hue was due to your longing, or nerves, or pain. Maybe it was some combination of the three.

But Julian, I noticed.

Even when you think I'm not looking, I see you. And because I see you, I know when there's a change.

You've changed your mind. Haven't you, Julian?

You want to meet your mom.

I know you're scared, but you don't have to be. I'm going to help you find her. If it's the last thing I do, I will bring you to her, Jules.

And when you get there, you can stand tall. You can look right into her eyes, knowing the upper hand is yours. There will be no corners to hide within, and I will guard your heart with an iron, ferocious shield.

I will wrap my arms around it, cage it, and grip it with unfaltering fingers.

You will know, that no matter what happens, I will always be with you.

But you don't need me there in order to stand proud, Julian. Look at your staggering, mind-blowing success, and realize that you did this all on your own. You owe thanks to nobody, and even with the odds stacked high and thick against you, you did it.

You really made it, Jules. There's no way I could be any prouder of you. So don't be nervous to show your face to the world... or to your mother.

If you met her, you could ask your questions. I know you have so many.

Maybe, if you see her, she will have an explanation for everything. Perhaps, somehow, she can begin to resolve the pained blood that pulses through you, even in our greatest moments together.

No matter how happy you are when we're lying intertwined, there is a hint of sadness behind your eyes that I just can't reach on my own. A twinge of black sorrow that taints the red.

I want to dissolve that pain, Jules.

I want to pull it from your soul, crumb by crumb, and swallow it as my own.

What I want for you, Julian, most of all, is peace. I want Eileen to give you that peace, if I cannot.

So let's meet her. We have to at least try.

And when she sees you, Julian, her breath will catch. Her eyes will light up at the mere sight of you. Thrilled laughter will rip through her throat and she will wrap her arms around you. Tears of joy and regret will fall from her eyes to see her son.

The most beautiful, intelligent, talented and selfless man that has ever lived.

And even if she's had no hand in how perfectly you've turned out, pride will grip her by the heart to know that half your blood is hers.

She will love you, Julian.

Not as much as I do, but she will.

How could she not?

But Julian, even though I want you to meet your mom, I hope you know one thing: you already have a family.

You have me.

- B