Content Warning: Slight Sexual Content

I was pacing around in Nick's room, waiting for him to come back from working out with Clay. His room was a mess like always but I found it oddly comforting. It reminded me of when we lived together in Texas and we would do stupid shit in his room. I walked back and forth around his bed like an idiot for ages panicking. He finally came in with a towel around his neck and taking a gulp from his water bottle, covered in sweat.

"Hey what are you doing?" He looked me up and down. "Why are you covered in bruises?" He asked with concern.

My hands flew to my neck to cover the hickeys, even though my hand couldn't hide all of them. When I woke up that morning, Clay was already gone to work out. He left me a tray with a fruit salad and some water on the nightstand. Instead of eating, I rushed to my room and threw on some shorts, not even stopping to think about the marks.

"I need to tell you something."

"Ok." He threw his towel and bottle on the bed and collapsed to the floor, looking up at me with his hands propping his head up.

"Me and Clay are dating."

"Yeah, I know." He grabbed at my feet and I kicked him away.

"How did you know?"

"Well, it's not that I knew but I guessed. It's kind of obvious. I see how you look at each other and how freaked out you get when I come in after you two being alone. You're literally wearing his clothes right now." He laughed, crossing his ankles as he felt accomplished for figuring us out. "So have you slept together yet?" He joked.

I rolled my eyes. "That's why I came to talk to you." His eyebrows raised with surprise written on them. "We fooled around last night hence the bruises" I pointed to them. "And while I guess he thought I was asleep which I wasn't. I only closed my eyes." I mumbled. " He told me he loves me."

Nick sat up and smacked his hands on the floor. "What?"

"I know. It hasn't even been a week since we first kissed and I don't know what to do."

"He said he loves you?" He whispered. I nodded. "What did you do?"

"Nothing. I just pretended like I was asleep."

"Anja." He looked disappointed.

"I know. It's horrible." I flopped on his bed and picked at my nails. "Nick, I've been freaking out all day. Everything has been happening too quickly between us."

"You should talk to Dream." I shook my head at him. "AJ seriously? Why?"

"I..." I couldn't think of a reason.

"Maybe he didn't mean it." Nick jumped off the floor and sat next to me. "All the time people say I love you after sex, maybe it was a heat of the moment kind of thing. Just talk to him about it."

"Ok." But I didn't. I was scared to. What if he meant it? What if I couldn't say it back? What if this ended us? I decided it was better to act like I didn't hear it at all.

----

The next month was lonely. It felt unbearably long. Clay got more and more distant as time went on.

The first week of February, Roadtrip was dropped. It obtained immediate success online. His fans loved it and it had thousands of streams the first day. We celebrated together over dinner and a movie at home. When we finished eating I tried to cuddle on the couch with him. He had his legs on the coffee table and his arms over the back. I laid against his chest but he was indifferent about it. He would move around like he was uncomfortable so I took the hint and moved away. Eventually, he left to go to bed, leaving me alone in the living room with the unfinished movie still playing.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"I'm just tired." He told me as he walked away, giving me a small unauthentic smile before walking upstairs. I could tell there was something more.

The second week I officially opened my youtube channel. Subscribers were rolling in despite me having no content out yet. Thirty-five thousand in a day. Nick was sweet and gave me a shout-out on Twitter plus Roadtrip put people's eyes on me. I asked Clay out to dinner the day my channel dropped so we could celebrate. He agreed and said he had to see a friend first. I got to the restaurant at the reservation time and sat down to wait for him. It was a nice place in the city I thought he would like. I got dressed up for it, a long black dress and heels. I got my nails done. I wanted to look pretty for him.

He never showed up. I sat alone at the table and the waiter ever so often would how much longer it would be. I had no answer. I could feel the stares from other customers and their whispers about me. After an hour of waiting, I finally left. When I got home he was in the basement working out alone. He started working out a lot.

"Clay." I said in the home gym's doorway.

"Oh. Hey. Why are you dressed up?" He kept curling the stupid dumbbell.

I could feel the tears pool in my eyes. "Nothing. It's not important."

The third week, Clay stopped talking to me. I tried to chalk it up to his busy schedule. He was constantly uploading on 'Dream Shorts' and doing work with other content creators. He was with friends streaming all the time for 'Feral February' as Karl called it.

I was sad, heartbroken even. He would give me a kiss if I was lucky, then would run off to the gym or to his room. I was getting anxious that the feelings he had about me weren't as authentic as they seemed. He would avoid conversations with me and pull out of my touches. I would be lying if I said I didn't cry over all of it.

"Hey Clay." I knocked on his door as he was putting on clean clothes from his shower. His back and arms had become much bulkier.

"Hey." He didn't look at me, focused on fixing his pants.

"Can I talk to you?" I stepped into the room and rested my hand on his shoulder. He pulled away.

"I have a recording scheduled today." He put his shirt on and started to walk away. I quickly wrapped my arms around his chest from the back.

"Please." I could feel the tears collecting in my eyes. "Please talk to me." He stood still for a minute. I could feel his heartbeat on my face. It could have lulled me to sleep. The muscles on his back were tensed but I didn't care, I just wanted to hold him.

He harshly pulled my hands off him and turned to me. His face switched from annoyance to worry as he saw the tears roll down my face. "Wait. Don't cry."

"Did you just want to fuck?" I cried, now wiping the tears from my face.

"What? Anja no." He grabbed my hands away from my face and cleaned the tears himself. "Why would you think that?"

"You've been ignoring me since that night." I bawled out.

"No, I haven't."

"Yes, you have." I shot him an angry look for denying the truth.

"I've been trying to give you space. I didn't want things to move too fast."

"So you've decided to avoid me?"

"I'm trying to take this slow as you said."

It clicked. "You heard me and Nick talking didn't you?"

His eyes drifted from mine to the floor. He sat down on the bed and rubbed his temples. "Yeah."

"That's why you've been ignoring me? Because you said I love you?"

"Anja. I'm sorry." He grabbed my wrists and brought me between his legs, wrapping his arms around my waist. "I thought I should give you space."

"Completely leaving me isn't space."

"I'm sorry, I took it too far. I tried to give us time apart. It was just easier to not talk to you at all, I didn't intend to act like that." He pulled me onto his lap making me staddle him so he could hold me more. "I didn't mean what I said it. It was just a heat of the moment thing like Nick said. I regret ever saying it." Regret?

"It's ok." is all I could get myself to say.

"Why are you so understanding? I don't deserve you." I chuckled. "Can I have a kiss?" He asked softly. I pulled his head up from my shoulder and placed a soft kiss on his lips. "I'm sorry."

"I was worried that you lost feelings for me. Or maybe they weren't real in the first place."

"I would never do that to you." I could see the guilt in his eyes. He really meant it.

"I know." I leaned into another kiss, this time deeper and sweeter. His hair was still wet, dripping down his face and mixing with our mouths. He smelt of mint. He switched his shampoo. His hands drifted down to my ass, gripping it hard enough to bruise. I pried my lips off his, moving to his sharp jaw. Leaving little pecks down his neck. I could tell he liked it by his growing boner, but he switched control. He gripped my jaw, tugging my neck up so he could suck on my collar bone. I moaned as one of his hands found its way to under bra, pinching my hard nipple.

"Whatever you guys are doing, STOP!" Nick screamed from outside the door. Clay kept going. "Do you hear me?" Nick finally opened the door and I ripped Clay out from under my shirt. "Ew." He pinched his eyes close. "We have a recording, remember Dream? Everyone is waiting in the vc for you."

"Shit." He sighed. "Tell them I'll be on in a minute."

"Good." He walked out but stopped just before closing the door. "It's nice to see that you made up." He smiled at me, then left.

As soon as the door was closed, Clay pulled me into another kiss. I softly grabbed his hair and pulled it, he let his head fall back and yelled in fake pain. "You need to record." I giggled.

"I don't wanna." He whined.

"We can finish later."

"But I want to now." He pouted at me, sticking out his bottom lips like a child. "Suggestion." His hand sprung and stuck out his pointer finger. "I can record and finish at the same time."

"What?"

He smirked at me. "You could fit under my desk."

I let go of his hair and trailed my hand down his neck. My fingers traced over his pulse and followed the vein. We stared into each other's eyes, he looked hungry. I felt down his chest, over his heart, and felt his abs tense. I stopped on his bulge, rubbing it a little to make him whimper. I leaned forward to his ear and placed a kiss.

"No." I whispered. I hopped off his lap and walked out of the room as he groaned.

I was happy I talked to him. I was relieved that he kissed me, that he still liked me. But I left the talk hurt. I bit my lip to stop the tears as a locked myself in my room. I leaned my back against the door and slid to the floor then cried. I didn't know why.