I'm not even gonna lie. Collin messed me up that night and from that point on. The way he looked at us...me and the baby...Kenney couldn't even look at us like that, because it wasn't his baby. Which I was fully aware of but, unfortunately, which Kenney increasingly was not. Kenney was just so good to us...but Collin was the one I was in love with. I thought...

The more pregnant I got, the more confused I became about who I wanted Kenney to be to my baby and to me. He was such a great guy. I knew that whatever I decided, Kenney would be down with it because that's just who he was.

...Which was exactly why I couldn't tell him about Collin. And how I had called him after I saw him that night. You know, just to tell him that I was ok, and that the baby was ok. He sounded genuinely happy to hear it.

More than happy, actually.

He sounded relieved, and I realized that all that time he may have been struggling with the fact that he had probably killed his own child.

I felt sorry for the guy, I really did. I mean, I really loved him, you know? And there was nothing I could do about that. The conversation was nothing, really. He was pretty much just talking about how sorry he was and how he had been going to anger management classes.

The usual.

But I believed him...like I usually did, and told him that maybe I would meet him somewhere and talk, but not any time soon. I needed to figure out what I was doing with Kenney before I tried to put Collin back in the mix. I knew that, as understanding as Kenney was, he would immediately put me out on my ass if I even halfway looked like I was about to go back to Collin. Besides that, truth be told, I was kind of falling for Kenney by that time, too. I mean, really falling for him.

Hard.

The baby was digging the Kenney situation too, I think. He was beginning to recognize Kenney's voice, and would go bananas every time he heard Kenney talking anywhere near me. Kenney got a kick out of that, of course, and started spending more and more time "on the mic." He'd even started calling the baby "Charlie Brown." I have no idea why. He never told me and I never asked. The more swollen and uncomfortable I got, for some reason, the cuter Kenney thought I was. It was crazy. And the cuter he thought I was, the more he started acting like I was his girl and like the baby was his chip off the old block.

This was unfortunate, for obvious reasons. But I still didn't bring Collin up to Kenney no matter what he said, or what we talked about. The hardest was how Kenney kept asking me when I wanted to go get the rest of my stuff from the apartment. I didn't have the heart to tell him that I wasn't sure if I did want to, because I wasn't 100% convinced that I wouldn't end up going back there.

Besides that, Kenney was my ace, the best friend I ever had, and I just couldn't risk losing that. He went to all of my Lamaze classes. Even when I wasn't in the mood, he would still coax me into going, and once we got there he would always make it unnecessarily exciting. For everyone. The class loved him. What a nut. I mean he always made everything in life more fun than it had to be, but can you imagine Lamaze class having a class clown? A mess. I loved him so much. Kenney was the absolute best. I honestly don't know if I would have been able to make it all the way through pregnancy without him. For many reasons...most of which I forgot the more time that I spent away from Collin.

From the simplest things like how he had such an uncanny eye for maternity clothes to the fact that he literally read every what to expect while you're expecting book that he could get his hands on. And Kenney was one of those fast-reading braniacs that absorbed and retained everything that he learned forever. So you already know that by the time Shayna and Drama came to visit us, he thought he was an expert on all things baby...a serious point of concern for Drama, who was never one to sit on an opinion if it clearly needed to be said.

But Kenney didn't care. Shayna and I heard them arguing in the den while she and I were in the bedroom packing their stuff. We couldn't hear most of what they said, but at one point the conversation got so heated, we could hear them loud and clear.

"Nigga, that ain't your baby!"

Shayna dropped her clothes in mid-pack and walked over to the door, peaking out into the hallway. Then she looked back at me, as our eyes wordlessly discussed whether to go out there and break it up, or to let them finally hash it out once and for all. I was leaning waaay toward closing the door, and possibly also locking it. I didn't want any part of whatever was about to go down out there. Even though I was what was going on out there, I would have rather chanced tying some sheets together and trusting that Shayna could lower my pregnant butt out the window and onto the ground below, than to go out there and get in the middle of that.

First of all, Drama never, never, said the "N" word. Never.

Second of all, Kenney never, ever, got quiet while someone else was getting loud on him.

But that's exactly what had just happened.

We didn't hear anything else out of them, so Shayna and I finished packing double time, and didn't even bother to ask the guys to help us get the bags out to the garage. When it came time to load the car, though, the guys were finished with whatever beef they were having, and we all hugged it out before Drama and Shayna got in their rental and drove off.

"I'll check on you later, man," was all Drama said to Kenney and then closed the driver's side door before Kenney could say anything back. Didn't matter anyway because all Kenney did was nod curtly, with a stone face, and kept his mouth shut.

Later that night, Kenney asked me what I was going to do after the baby was born. We were in mid-laugh, watching a Chris Rock throwback, Bigger and Blacker, and the question came out of the clear blue. I figured that's what he and Drama had been arguing about earlier that day. My suspicion was confirmed when he said the last thing that I ever expected him to say, and the very thing that I had been hoping he would say for a while now.

"I'm just asking, Tashi, because...well, you know." He shrugged and then looked at me like he expected us to have the rest of the conversation telepathically.

The crazy thing was, we kind of did.

"Kenney..."

"Tashi," he answered like I had already said what I had to say, and he was countering my argument.

"Kenney," I began again.

"Tashi, no one would ever have to know that he's not mine."

"Kenney, I would know."

"Yeah, but I wouldn't care."

"But the thing is, I would..." my voice trailed off as a stricken look crossed his face. "I mean, not like that Kenney. I just..." My words escaped me again, and again I averted my eyes. "Listen...eventually the baby would have to know, too. I want him to know his father, Kenney. He can't just..."

"Not have one?"

"Yeah." I smiled at him. "How do you always know what I'm thinking?"

"I don't really. I just understand why you think the way you do."

"Huh..." I lifted my gaze over to the kitchen and stared intently at the refrigerator, searching for the best way to change the subject.

"What's on your mind, Tashi?" He tugged on my hand. "And I know it's not the refrigerator, so what's up?"

I turned and smiled blankly at him, still willing myself emotionless. Then I looked back at the refrigerator.

"Tashi," he had turned to face me directly and was now giving me his undivided attention, but I didn't want to give him mine. I was afraid that he would read every thought on my face. "Natasha..." He said it like he meant it, and I finally shifted around to face him. "Listen Tashi, I know what you mean. I understand completely, but that's not what I'm saying..."

I knew exactly what he was saying, but I let him re-explain himself anyway.

"Natasha," he continued. "The baby would never have to know that I'm not his father. He already loves me." He explained this confidently, like he had already convinced himself of what he was now trying to convince me. My guess was this must have also been the beach front property that he was trying to sell Drama, who also wasn't buying. "He already recognizes my voice, he already goes nuts every time I come around," Kenney continued.

He put his hand on my belly to prove his point, pressing ever so slightly and the baby, right on que, started doing summersaults and creating bubbles in my chest. It was the last thing that I needed right then, but I didn't stop him. Honestly, I let the baby work his magic to soften the blow that I was about to hand to quite possibly the only one of my two true loves who genuinely loved me back.

"Kenney..." I put my hand over his. He smiled at me, like for real smiled, like he used to, and I just couldn't do it.

"Natasha," he always called me that when he wanted me to understand how serious he was. "For real, though, you've always had my heart, Tashi. It's always been you. It's always been you. Even when I was out there bullshittin', it's always been you. And I know if I had gotten my stuff together sooner, maybe half of what you've been through, you would have never had to go through. But, I mean...I can take care of you now. I can take care of both of you. You know that. It would be my honor." He smiled again, and looked at me for a minute like he was trying to decide whether to kiss me. Luckily, he decided against it. "Please Natasha, just let me..."

I was staring at him so hard. I wanted to kiss him so bad. I wanted him. I wanted him...

But I also wanted my family to be a whole family. Not just bits and pieces of one. And I couldn't let Kenney go on putting together a plan that I knew I would never fully buy into.

"Kenney, no."

"But just hear me out, Tashi. You know it's right."

"No it's not Kenney." I took a deep breath and looked away.

"Aw shit..." Kenney backed all the way away from me and shook his head. I knew he was pissed, and I knew he knew exactly what was up. He had already walked in on me in the middle of a "stay away from us" conversation with Collin a month or so earlier, he had just never said anything about it.

"Kenney..."

"Natasha..." Kenney pushed my name out like it was a mouth full of peroxide.

"Kenney."

"He wants you back, right?" He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and looked over at me.

"I don't know."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I...don't know..."

Kenney was getting more pissed by the second, but I just couldn't stop telling the truth. Dead serious, I wanted to lie to him so bad right then, I just couldn't. Kenney suddenly sat up straight and then leaned back into his seat. It was in one fluid motion, and happened so quick that I also jumped, and sat back away from him.

"Natasha," he reached out for me and I flinched. "You see? Do you see what bein' wit' that fool gets you? So fucked up that you actually think a man would hit you while you're pregnant. Fuck that. That you would even think that I would hit you at all! I'm your friend, Natasha, and I love you. I would never put my hands on you." Again I wondered when he had started cussing so much. It never dawned on me that he mostly did it whenever Collin's name came up. "The hell kind of world do you live in? I mean, for real? Is that really what you want? Do you like that?" He pulled his hand away from me and looked at me, a little confused. "I mean...do you?" The pity in his eyes communicated something that I couldn't take. "'Cause I'm not wit' that shit..."

I shook my head and looked down at my hands. What I was feeling was something that he could never understand.

"Then why? Why do you keep going back to him, Tashi? Help me understand. Are you afraid that I'll just leave you out there? Because you know I would never do that." I shook my head again. "Then what is it? Why do you always go back to him?"

"I guess..." I couldn't look at him. "You'll just think I'm crazy," I decided aloud and looked back at the TV like I was really watching it.

"I already think you're crazy, Tashi. If you tell me, I might just think you're sane."

"It's just...it's because...I guess it's because I just want my happily ever after, too, you know?"

Kenney looked at me like I was stupid. "Are you serious right now?"

"Yeah, Kenney. You know I've always been a sucker for fairy tales."

"God..." He looked up, and I could tell that he really was talking to God right then, probably asking for patience not to go off on my dumb ass. "Natasha..." he wrapped up his side bar with God and looked back over at me. "Natasha," he said again, angrily this time, apparently losing his battle with himself. "Are you delusional?" He looked curiously at me. I only shook my head and looked down at my hands, at the engagement ring that I had never stopped wearing. Bringing attention to that sparkling reminder of my poor decision making skills only added fuel to Kenney's fire. "What part of where you're standing looks like a fairy tale to you?"

I could tell then that he was about to verbally dismantle me. I had seen him do it before...to other people. I knew all too well his disdain for "dumb shit," and how he felt the need to disassemble it immediately. I couldn't do anything about it but sit there and take it, either. Kenney always got real real logical when he was about to make you feel real real stupid, and I could feel him gearing up to break me all the way down. He reminded me of Collin right then. Collin, who would go rabid on anyone without warning at the first sign of weakness.

"Does this look like a fairy tale to you?"

Kenney spread his hands out and looked around him like this was hardly his idea of a good time. He wanted me to be very clear that he hadn't jumped in the car and let me take him on the ride from hell for the thrill of it. I could hear every word of that in his one gesture, and he looked at me pointedly like he wanted me to remember it.

"Natasha, do you remember what your face looked like? Tell me," he continued, without waiting for an answer, "which chapter did Cinderella get her face bashed in by Lance...Prince Lance...Charming..." I could tell the fact that he couldn't remember dude's name was pissing him off even more.

I looked at him, amusement crossing over my face, but this was definitely not the time for jokes.

"Or whatever the fuck his name was, Tashi. I really and truly don't give a shit about these ridiculous ass fairy tales you keep talking about. I really don't."

He looked at me, and plain as day I could see for the first time that he really didn't give a shit. It was the only thing that I had ever said to him that I could tell he really, honestly, did not give a crap about. Up until then, he had at least pretended to care about whatever I was saying at the time, even if it was something stupid that he could care less about, because he cared about me.

Right then, though, I realized that I might have just thrown my last card on the table and he was about to fold.

The thought sent an icy hand down through my chest and into my gut, ripping every bit of "damage" out of me and laying it all out on the table for Kenney to see. I knew he could see it right then, too, and tears suddenly shot out of my eyes from every direction like a cartoon.

"Listen, Natasha..." he scooted up in his chair and turned toward me, leaning forward again.

I put my hands up defensively and cowered away. To this day, I'm not exactly sure why. "No," I turned my face away like I was bracing myself for another verbal assault.

"I'm not going to hit you, Tashi," he sounded tired.

"I know, I just..."

My hands were still up, like I was trying to calm him, and I realized that this was a stance that I had taken with Collin one too many times before.

"Natasha," he cautiously reached forward and gently pushed one of my hands down. "Natasha," he moved the other hand back, also, and guided both hands down to either side of me. "You can show me your weakness."

He looked at me knowingly, like he had seen clearly everything that had just been pulled out of me, and he understood it all. Every last fucked up bit of it.

"I don't want to do this with you, Kenney."

"What, exactly, do you not want to do...with me?"

"I just...don't want to do whatever is happening right now."

"What do you think is happening?" He chose his words carefully.

"This. Losing. I'm losing, Kenney. All the way around."

He blinked slowly, as if I had all of a sudden switched up languages on him.

"What?"

"You're pushing me into a now or never situation, Kenney, and I'm not ready for now. And...I'm not ready for never..."

"Ok..." Now it was his turn to put his hands towards me, as if to calm me.

"I just...can't do this right now."

"You don't have to." He looked a little ashamed, a little sad, and a whole lot over it. "I'm sorry if I made you feel like I was forcing you to do something. That was never my intention. That's not...something that I would ever want to do."

"No, I don't mean...well, yeah. But not...I just don't want to lose you."

"I understand." He nodded and sat silently with me a few minutes longer, and then stood up. As an afterthought, he leaned back down and kissed the top of my head. Then looking deep into my eyes, he leaned in closer and kissed me. Right on the lips.

I closed my eyes and kissed him back.

"Goodnight," he stood up quickly and then walked into his own bedroom, closing the door behind him.

"Shit," I mumbled and shook my head, fully aware that things were really messed up now.