Itching to view the newly created album in my camera roll, I tossed my phone across the bedroom to stop myself.

It's been several days since I'd last seen Charlie, apart from school and rugby, and the thoughts of his journal kept circling my mind.

What he'd written, what he hadn't. I yearned to reread the entries, but it felt so invasive. Why hadn't he just told me himself?

I answered that already.

I'd hurt him; unimaginably.

Why would he be vulnerable with me?

I'm sure Tao was already squabbling about the best ways for Charlie to breakup with me. Surely he would. Even I would break up with me right now.

The things he thinks I did are unacceptable and I have no way of reconciling them. I was at that party.

I took a deep breath in and let it out. I threw my phone in my bag and into the athletic locker, shutting it firmly. Lacing up my shoes, I went out onto the field.

The air was dewy and warm, middle of March weather. The grass was lined with droplets and the tall blades tickled my ankles as I walked up to our coach. She gave me a warm smile and okay'd me to go and join the rest of our team. Practice started as it typically did, drills and practice tackles to warm up.

Running laps around the field, I notice Charlie out of the corner of my eye. He's sitting on the bench, watching me. I wonder what's going on in that mind, that overthinking mind. Distracted, I barely notice we've switched to running plays. A moment late, I join the others in a huddle. We review our latest score sheets and do our chants. Suddenly, I'm filled with a sense of hope, Rugby always felt like home. But my heart sinks a little when we retreat from our circle. Charlie's gone.

-

Shoving my dirty jersey into my bag, I slams my locker and make my way towards the exit, ignoring any annoying things Harry's yelling at me. If he wanted to force me into something, he could, I wasn't in the mood to fight right now. So instead I just ignored him, hoping he would leave me alone. Leave all those ridiculous rumors behind us.

I wouldn't even look at another person the way I look at Charlie. They've got it all wrong.

-

With done at last I relax on the couch next to Nelly and click on the TV. Except, I can't really relax. It's as if there's an ant on my spine, doing loopty loops. This nagging feeling that I should read what's in my camera roll, open up the photos of Charlie's journal and just say screw it. It's better to be in the know, right?

Nelly shakes her head it me as if she can hear my thoughts. I zone out at the TV, letting myself be consumed by my thoughts. About an hour passes and I head to my room.

Sitting at my desk I hear my phone buzz from beside me. If I pick it up I'll only be tempted to take a peak, I tell myself. Especially if the text is from Charlie. Reluctantly, I give in, and of course, it a text from him.

I can't hold it in anymore, I move over to my bed, and roll over to face my window. Shadowing my screen with my body, as if Charlie were in the room. I open the app quickly, and scroll down to the first entry. This is it. I take a deep breath in, and begin to read.

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