July 17, 2021

Why was this decision so hard for me? I could stay and be happy with Benny and play with the guys at the sandlot every day. Something was just making me not want to leave Texas. I grew up there, my whole childhood is there. I obviously knew I'd have to move on from my childhood someday, but I didn't think it would be this soon.

I've been going along with the whole staying in California thing so Benny would be happy, but I really wasn't sure if that's what I wanted.

There was a lot of pressure on me. My dad would go wherever I said, whether it was back to Texas or to Joe's house. Don't get me wrong, I love Joe, but I just love Texas a little bit more.

"Okay, so you have the choice to stay with Benny and your Gran in California, or go back home and leave everything behind?" Phillips said as he threw a baseball up in the air and caught it again.

I watched him through the screen as I laid on my bed thinking about everything.

"Basically, yeah." I shrugged my shoulders with my elbows on the bed and hands holding up my chin.

"Why don't you sound more excited about that?" he threw the ball up and caught it again, "do you not hear what you're saying? You could stay in California!"

"I know," I said blankly.

He caught the ball once again and stared at me through the screen.

"You are gonna stay right?" Logan asked confusedly as he set the ball next to him.

"I don't know, " I moved my hands off my chin and let my head fall, and land face down on my bed.

"You have to stay, it would kill Benny if you left," he said as if it was that easy.

I knew it would. That was the only downside of going back to Texas.

"I mean I could just face time him every day like I do with you," I said picking my head back up and looking at him with a miserable face.

"Even you know that wouldn't work," he said reading me like an open book.

"I could think of something, " I said almost desperately, "I'd drive back every chance I could with my dad, like for winter break and stuff."

"Long-distance never works Moore, you of all people should know that from the number of love movies you watch," he said like it was obvious.

"It could be different for Benny and me. We both love each other, and he knows I would never cheat on him just like he would never cheat on me." I said trying to convince myself that a long-distance would work.

"What makes you want to go back to Texas so badly that not even Benny can convince you to stay?" he asked picking his phone up and moving from his desk to his bed.

"My mom is in Texas. She's all over that house." I said finally getting it off my chest, "if I left Texas for good, I'd be leaving my mom behind too, and I can't do that to her."

"Oh," Phillips said regretting he ever asked or tried to convince me to stay.

"Yeah." I sighed.

"Then just tell that to Benny, I'm sure he'll understand, " he said in a soothing voice.

"But like you said, it would kill him," I plopped my head face down onto my bed again.

"Well, maybe it wouldn't kill him, " Phillips said in an attempt to make me feel better.

"It definitely would," I said not picking my face up, "he even told me yesterday when he was apologizing that even though he had his family back together, it wasn't the same without me."

"Damn, " he said realizing how hard this decision really was for me, but still continued to say, "now you really can't leave him." and laughed.

I lifted my head up with the little strength I had in my body to gave him the f-you eyes and flip him off. It just made him laugh even more.

"Someones on their period aren't they?" he joked knowing it would make me even more pissed but also get my mind off of how much pressure I was in with the decision.

"Actually, yes, yes I am." I lied, knowing I take the pill because of how bad my periods were all through middle school.

His eyes went wide and his face turned a little red as he scratched the back of his neck nervously.

"Relax Phillips, I'm kidding." I rolled my eyes.

"Oh, " he said still nervous and red-faced.

I laughed, it was funny how some guys got so awkward about periods. I was just glad I never had to go through ruining pants or underwear anymore.

I laughed even harder when he jumped at the sound of his mom knocking on his door.

"Come in, " he said then took a deep breath.

"The food is ready." his mom's smooth and perfect voice said.

"K, I'll be right there," Phillips said, making his fist into a thumbs up and awkwardly smiling at her until I heard the door close.

"I should've screen recorded that, you were so nervous I thought you were gonna pee yourself," I said dying laughing.

"Shut the fuck up, I was not." he snapped but laughed at the same time.

"Really?" I said not believing him, "cause your face was almost as red as my hair."

"Your hair's not even red, it's orange," he argued playfully.

"Right, and so is the blood that comes out of me for a whole week every month," I said to gross him out.

He made a disgusted face then went serious.

"It's not actually orange is it?" he said as if he didn't actually want to know the answer but he also did at the same time.

"No it's not orange! It's blood idiot!" I said in disbelief at how stupid he was.

"Whatever Looser, you have fun bleeding profusely out of your... area... And I'll go attempt to enjoy my lunch without thinking about that." he smiled even though I could tell he probably wasn't going to have much of an appetite.

"I will, thanks." I smiled then watched as he shook his head while laughing and hung up the video call.

I wished he was still here instead of me having to call him. It made me realize that long-distance with Benny wouldn't be easy at all. Even if Logan and I were just friends, talking in person was a lot better than over the computer.

I rolled over to lay on my back instead of my stomach and looked at the ceiling. Maybe if I just sat down with Dad, gran, and Joe to talk about it all I would figure out what everyone else wanted and just go with that. So I did.

Joe and Dad sat in the two chairs across from Gran and I as we all looked at each other in silence.

"What's up kiddo?" dad finally said.

"I don't know if I want to stay here, or if I want to go back to Texas," I said getting straight to the point.

"That's why we're giving you time to figure it out, we'll be fine with whatever decision you make." Joe smiled with that perfect smile that made everything feel like it was going to be okay.

"But that's the thing, I don't wanna choose wrong and you guys not be happy with it." I decided to just say everything truthfully because I was tired of having all this pressure on me.

"There is no wrong choice. Sure, there is one specific one that each of us might prefer, but this decision affects you the most, so we believe you should have the say in what happens." Dad said.

"Well, what do you guys prefer?" I asked trying to get it out of them, but it didn't work.

"We prefer whatever is best for you pumpkin, " gran said with a smile as she put her hand on top of mine which were folded together on the table.

"That doesn't help," I said stressed.

"Well Joe and I were thinking, even if you choose to go back to Texas, she could come with us." he shrugged his shoulders like this wasn't a big deal.

"But then she'd have to leave her job behind for us and both of us would feel guilty." I sighed.

"Not really, " Joe said, "I have offers from all over to come and work at different hospitals, especially Texas."

"Do you really or are you just trying to make me feel better?" I asked honestly not knowing if anyone was lying or telling the truth at this point.

I felt like they were lying about stuff so I'd choose whatever I wanted to without being able to tell if they were actually okay with it or not.

"I didn't believe it at first either, but if I went and worked at the hospital in Texas next to you guys' house I would be working with kids and delivering babies."

"Do you want to work with kids and deliver babies?" I said suspiciously still trying to get some kind of an answer out of them.

"Of course I do, but I also have an offer at the hospital I work at now to do the same thing, and they both pay the same amount so I'd be fine with whatever." she kept her smile the entire time.

"You guys are like robots." I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration, "All I need is for one of you to tell me what to choose."

"All I'm gonna tell you is you're not gonna find an answer here Ella." Gran shrugged her shoulders and fake sighed.

I don't understand any of them. Do they not get how frustrating it is to have the ability to affect four people's lives with just one choice? If I choose California, I'll feel empty like I'm just leaving mom, but if I choose Texas, I have to leave Gran and Benny. There is no winning in this situation for me and they don't see that. It was easier to accept the fact that I would have to leave at the end of summer before I was given a chance to stay or go. If I didn't have an opportunity to stay, I wouldn't have to worry about hurting anyone's feelings or worse, my own.

I have until August fifth to figure it out. Fourteen days. All of our futures are in my hands and I have fourteen fucking days to figure out what I want. And to make things even worse, what I know I want isn't what everyone else wants. Sure, Dad and Joe found a way to work with whatever I chose, but what about Gran? Benny? Even the sandlot boys, if I went back to Texas who would tell them their fly was down so they would miss the catch? Who would stop either of the boys from getting into another fight over 'manly hood'?

But then if I stayed in California, I would have to start at a completely new school, leave my softball team behind, and sell the last house mom ever lived in. The house she recorded me taking my first steps in, the house that when I'm in it, I can feel her watching over me and smiling at how grown I am or how proud she is of me. The only time I've felt her here was when I had nightmares or in the hospital when I saw gran hooked up to all those tubes. That's not how I want to feel a connection to her. I know it's been years and I need to let go, but I just can't. I Don't know how dad wasn't feeling the same way. He seemed completely fine. I get that Joe made him happy and of course I loved seeing them together, but he didn't even feel a little bit like he was replacing mom?

I rode my bike up a hill on the sidewalk, the wind blowing through my free hair which was getting even more tangled by the second, and my legs burning from the force I was using to get up the hill. I went past a couple of shops, turned a corner, and parked my bike next to the entrance of the sketchy gate, and walked through. I sat on the bench as I admired the view of the town in front of me and closed all thoughts or feelings out of my head. I closed my eyes and took in all the sounds around me. Cars honking in the distance, the wind blowing in my ear, bees flying around to all the flowers in the grass, and leaves on trees brushing together as the branches moved with the summer breeze.

I thought that maybe gran was right. I wasn't gonna find any answers at home, so I came to the one spot I could think of.

I pulled my sketchbook and a pencil out of the bag I brought with me and began to draw. I wasn't sure what I was going to be, but I let my hand move the pencil where it wanted to go.

I was there for hours. I had no idea though, since I didn't have a phone to check the time or for anyone to call me and tell me to come home. I only realized the sun was starting to set when I heard the gate behind me open.

"Ella?" Benny said softly, making me turn and look at him.

"Hey, " I smiled and closed my sketchbook.

"Hey, " he said suspiciously, "I stopped by your house and your dad said you had been gone for like five hours without even telling him where you were going. He seemed super worried."

"Well at least that's one thing he's worried about," I said quietly, but loud enough for him to hear.

"What do you mean?" he asked as he sat on the bench next to me, his leg touching mine and his arm around my shoulders.

"I mean he's not even the slightest bit worried about moving out of the house I grew up in. The last house my mom ever lived in." I said finally letting all my thoughts and emotions back in.

"And you are?" he asked, truly concerned about what I was feeling.

"Obviously. The only reason we didn't leave that house when mom passed was that he and I were both too scared to let her go. Apparently, I'm the only one that feels that way now." I leaned my head on his shoulder and held on tightly to the sketchbook in my lap.

"I'm sure he still doesn't want to let her go, but everyone has to move on at some point. Just like I did with my dad," he said putting his head on mine.

"But you told me you found out your mom cheated on him and that's why he left, not because he met someone new," I said as nicely as I could so he wouldn't think I was trying to throw shade at his mom or anything.

"Yeah, but I was still angry at him. He could've worked through it with my mom, but he took the easy way out and they separated." I could feel his shoulders shrug from his arm around me.

"I just have so much pressure on me right now Benny." I sighed, "everyone is waiting for me to choose what I want when I Don't even know what that is anymore. Of course, I would love to stay with you and Gran here, but I have so much life in Texas that I have to live you know?"

"I get it. We can always make long-distance work just like we planned before. Either I come to visit you in Texas over a school break or you come back here and visit your Gran and me."

He seemed a lot calmer than I had imagined him being. I thought he would be upset that I didn't want to stay here or he would think I didn't love him enough to stay, which definitely wasn't true because I would choose him over anything, unless it came to my mom.

"You're not upset that I want to go back to Texas?" I said confused and lifted my head off his shoulder to look at him.

"If going back to Texas will make you happy and feel closer to your mom, then I'm not gonna stop you." he looked back down at me, "yeah, I want you to be here with me, but I'm not gonna be selfish and keep you from what you want."

"I want you," I said taking his hand in mine, "but I can't exactly just drop softball and my life in Texas to come live here."

"Then we can make it work, " he said with eyes full of hope, "ill come visit you and see you play softball as much as I can, and you can come back here and visit all of us over breaks and stuff."

"Everyone knows long-distance never works Benny, " I said as a tear formed in my eye.

The truth hurt, but I had to say it. I'm sure he knew it too he just wouldn't admit it. We were going into high school. That meant new opportunities, more girls, he would be joining baseball, I would be doing softball, and a shit ton of more homework. There wouldn't be any time for us to see each other until summer, and even then I'd be on my summer team. I'll never understand how he can always see the good in situations like this.

He pushed my frizzy hair out of my face and behind my ear with his free hand and looked me dead in the eyes.

"We're not everyone, Ella," he said keeping his hand on my cheek.

The words came out of his mouth so confidently. He believed in us. Maybe that's all I needed. It would all work out if I stopped focusing on all the bad things, and focused on the good things. Like the amazing feeling we would get after finally seeing each other, or hearing his voice over the phone at the end of a long day.

"You're right," I said putting my free hand on his hand that was still resting on my face.

"You know I love you, " he leaned in and quickly pecked me on the lips then said, "a thousand miles between us could never change that."

As we walked home, I was positive he was my person. Benny and I were forever, no matter how far we were from each other. Logan and I still talk every chance we get and he's even further from California than I'll be.

When we got to my house, he took my bag off his shoulder and handed it to me with a smile. I set it on the seat of my bike, got on the tip of my toes, kissed him on the cheek then walked up to the front door before looking back at him one last time with a smile and going inside.

"Oh thank God you're not dead." dad said with a relieved sigh as he rushed over from the table to hug me.

"Have you guys been sitting there this whole time?" I looked over to Joe who was also still sitting in her same spot.

The only one who moved was Gran, but that's only because she was making spaghetti and her secret sauce we put on the noodles instead of marinara.

"No, " he said then shook his head, "well, yeah. But we were talking and we know you love Texas, so Joe is going to move with us there instead."

"If that's okay with you, " Joe said making sure she wasn't barging into our lives.

"Of course that's okay, but I was thinking to..."