and if i never thought i'd do something like this, then i was clearly quite oblivious.

there are so many if's in this world, so many consequences and so many effects. now it feels, like i have become an if rather than a certainty.

i don't really know why i'd bother putting this in my story rather than telling someone i know personally, but for now this is better suited.

if i felt sad, then i'd begin to feel the empty again and then i'd start to isolate myself again, and then i'd become a shell again.

so why do i do this to myself?

- why can i not write my story

- why can i not study

- why can i not focus

- why can i not get better

- why can i not feel happy

i am just me, i don't expect much more from myself.

but it seems the less i expect, the less i push myself, the less i produce.

but it seems the more i expect, the more i fail, the more i disappoint.

i want to shut everyone out. i want to be happy. i want to know why it feels like this. i want to know.

you see, i created a list on how things work, awhile ago. nothing is wrong with it, so why if i follow my advice and do the right thing, do i still feel sad?

it fucking sucks.

all i want is to shut myself out from everyone, but i can't detach without hurting others.

it stings, it numbs, it is relentless.

why do i hate everyone, why do i want to be alone, why does it feel like there is nothing left for me here.

i am me, and i should not expect anymore and i should not disparage existence.

i have so much to say, to much to remember.

i want to be remembered, i want to be known.

i make myself isolated and easily forgotten.

i am me and i shouldn't feel this way

i am me and i shouldn't feel

i am me and i shouldn't

i am me

i am

i