(TW: Self harm, though if you're in this fandom, you're most likely used to it.)

Tobi's journal:

Day in, day out, the dreams haunt me. Why couldn't I control them? What do they mean?

Edburt is a puzzle— one I fear I shall never come to understand.

How many nights in a row had I found myself in that room? The initial terror of anticipation had worn away and been replaced by boredom.

If Mr. Edburt exists outside my mind, I thought to myself, picking at some dirt beneath my nails in disinterest, he should consider getting a schedule that aligns with my sleep. Better yet, he should stop sending me here altogether.

I pondered slightly the idea of a night of uninterrupted sleep. Waking up at three in the morning screaming and finding myself too shaken to fall back asleep for at least another hour had begun to take its toll on me. Not to mention, I now dread sleep and put off finally drifting into a fitful unconsciousness as much as possible. My sleep deprivation has become noticeable and is beginning to affect my performance in my studies. Father is not pleased.

However, I knew these hopes of pleasant dreams were just that: mere fleeting fantasies that would never amount to anything.

Perhaps if I sought a therapist as Mattias has begun suggesting; however, opening up is far too difficult. What business does a stranger have knowing the inner workings of my mind?

Something felt amiss this night. An odd sense of premonition jabbed at my at my consciousness as I scanned the all-too-familiar room. Something was out of line.

Where was Edburt? He seemed later than usual. Perhaps he got caught up in tormenting another unfortunate soul.

I scoffed at the thought.

Edburt was a figment of my imagination and it was ludicrous to think anything else. My brain was trying to trick me. Perhaps Edburt was some sort of personification of trauma created by my subconscious as a method of coping. I have yet to do enough research on such things.

Whatever the case, there was certainly no way that Mr. Edburt was any sort of sentient creature desperate from myself. I was— am— merely paranoid.

I considered the lack of Mr. Edburt's presence, but it did not appear to be what my mind was warning me of. There was something else.

I surveyed the room once more, determined to discover what exactly was different. It would most likely move the dream forward. The sooner I experienced the torture, the sooner I could wake up.

The desk caught my eye. One drawer was opened slightly.

I stood from the bed and made my way over to it, preparing myself for whatever horrors I would discover. Perhaps a severed body part.

I was slightly disappointed when I opened it only to discover a small pocket knife. I took it out and opened it, studying the blade. It was clean.

After opening the other drawers, I determined that there were, in fact, no disembodied fingers or such like. Truthfully, I had been expecting eyes.

I turned the knife over in my hands, expecting to find some strange secret, but it seemed to be rather ordinary.

Upon a whim, I pressed the tip to the pad of my finger. The blade was sharp and blood welled from the small puncture.

I faltered as thoughts of plugging the blade into my skin, carving intricate designs, watching the blood drip from my arm and splash to the floor crossed my mind.

Odd.

Suicidal tendencies had always seemed pointless to me.

I pushed the intrusive thoughts away and walked back to the bed, bringing the knife with me to study further. The hilt was marbled black and brown with intricate swirls and patterns in a silver color on each end. The blade itself was simple. Silver, plain, and sharp.

Wouldn't it be so easy? a voice at the back of my mind asked. It would hardly hurt, the blade is so sharp.

I shook my head, appalled at the fact that, for a second, I had considered it.

Killing myself will only mean that Edburt has won.

I put the knife down, but I kept finding myself drawn to it. This was what the dream wanted from me. Attempting to escape was futile, yet I fought my impulses. Morning would come eventually. Someone would wake me eventually—

"So stubborn..." Mr. Edburt's voice crooned somewhere in my mind. He was truly a part of me. "You know your fate. Why resist?" I could almost see the cruel smirk spread across pale, ashen skin; the way he tipped his head at an angle so that his hat engulfed his face in shadows. Hate burned in the pit of my stomach. He would not goad me into killing myself. "You make it so much harder for the both of us."

"Good," I spat defiantly. This resulted in him laughing for a good, infuriating minute.

"You always were my favorite morsel, Tobias." I didn't want to know whatever the fuck that meant. "However, there are other methods of getting you to complete the task if you should prove to be uncooperative."

I scoffed. "What, will you torture me?"

Edburt laughed again. "Goodness, no. You're much too stubborn for that. It would take far too long."

My confidence wavered slightly. "What methods, then?" I asked, glancing at the knife again.

"Your dreams aren't the only thing you've lost control over," Edburt replied gleefully.

My defiant smile fell. What else?

I found myself unconsciously reaching for the knife again.

This is ridiculous, I thought. He's getting to you.

However, I couldn't stop myself from picking up the small blade and pressing it to the palm of my hand. I hissed as the skin broke and blood welled in the cut.

I tried to stop myself from dragging the knife along my skin, but I had no control over myself. I was a prisoner in my own body.

What the hell?

But I knew what was going on. Edburt had possessed me. Left me conscious so I could watch him carry out his plan against my will with no method to stop him.

The blade moved to my wrist. I fought against the control, but there was nothing I could do. Mr. Edburt was stronger than me.

The knife dug into my wrist, deep. I stifled a cry of pain as a long stripe was severed into my forearm. Then a second. A third.

Blood coated the knife and trickled down the sides of my arm, dropping into the bed beneath me, staining the sheets.

The knife passed to my non-dominant hand and three more deep, vertical cuts were carved into my flesh.

I was a bit surprised that I hadn't already passed out from the blood loss, or at least begun to feel a bit light headed.

Perhaps Edburt's control over me kept me from dying before he was finished.

My hands shook as the knife was passed between them once again, but they didn't register as my hands. This was no longer my body. I merely watched through foreign eyes.

I thought that once my wrist had been slit, everything would be over and I could wake up, but Edburt wasn't finished with me yet. The knife was raised to my throat. The cold metal pressed against my skin, but didn't cut. I gazed at the deep gashes in my skin, feeling sick to my stomach.

"You'll never be strong enough to regain control," Mr. Edburt whispered darkly.

I wracked my brain for something to say— anything to prove that I would fight as long as I had to. The words got stuck and lost in my throat.

The knife pressed harder into my neck and was drawn slowly across my throat, making sure I felt every second of it.

When the cut was made, I felt all of Edburt's influence leave me.

The bloodstained knife dropped from my hand and I collapsed to the floor, gasping and choking on my own blood.

A/N Happy Wednesday everyone! I'm absolutely ecstatic about having four-hour school days this week! One more day and then summer!! I'm actually very pleased with this chapter. I think it's because I watched the movie Se7en before beginning it and that movie has the perfect grimy, disturbing, edgy vibes that I crave. All that aside, self harm is a really serious issue and despite suicidal tendencies being dismissed by Tobi throughout the book, they are a really big deal. If you're going through something like this, feel free to shoot me a private message if you need to talk. I'm kind of emotionally constipated and I may not respond right away, but I care about all of you and want to help. Chapter title from "My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light 'Em Up)" by Fall Out Boy. Have a lovely rest of your week and I'll see you guys next Wednesday!