❝ and little by little,

she found the courage for it all❞

There's one thing I learned in my life, one thing I was wrong about all along is that nothing can stay hidden forever. No matter how deeper you bury it, no matter how many locks you put on the closet, something can just never stay hidden.

At one time, someone will find the key, some one is bound to notice the pieces missing and in that moment, it'll all break. The mystery starts revealing itself before we even get a chance to build a new one. The curtain starts to fall when we lose track of our own lies.

In a very unfortunately fortunate moment of our life, the truth will always come out and scream traumatized. Everything would feel like as if it's falling apart, but the truth to be told, it would be actually falling into place

When you would be too scared to see the new reality and your world of lies collapsing to the ground, the people whom you were concealing this from will help you.

- And you'll be left wondering why were you trying to hide the truth in the first place?

As I stared into the reflection of a body that felt like mine but was controlled by someone else's thoughts, I realized how somethings just cannot be tamed. The ugliest truth of life, something that can never be reversed, changed or relived. Death.

When you are born nothing and no one in your world is permanent, it's not confirmed where will you end up, how will you live, except one thing; death.

When we are born, a prophecy of death always follows us. With us it grows and grows and then comes a point where it starts consuming you, its swallows your existence with it's own. Death is never sudden, it has always been there with you, patiently waiting like an unwanted lover.

Fixing the hem of my black linen dress, I stood in front the mirror. The evidence of a sleepless night covered the bottom of eyes and skin flaky, desperation pouring out from the cracks. Today was the day.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Ethan's voice perked up from behind making me twirl around as I found myself face to face with him.

Lately, it was starting to feel like as if he could read me like an open book and once upon a long time ago, I would've hated it, but now I was thankful. At least, someone could understand me when I couldn't and translate my emotions to me.

Tucking a strand of hair behind my ear, he stared down at me. I knew what he was thinking, he had been asking me that question more frequently as the hour stepped closer and closer.

Clasping his hand between mine, I nodded and whispered, "Of course, I am. A friends of ours has lost his family member, we should be there."

Not saying anything, he leaned down and pressed his lips against mine, a soft caress of comfort.

"Okay, then we should be going. Everyone is already ready." Pulling away with a small smile, he interlaced our fingers and tucked me close as he guided me out of his bedroom.

~~~

The weather was deary, sky painted in hues of grey and silver, as if mourning in it's own way.

After the burial, everybody started scurrying here and there, except for some people whose world seemed to stop. People were shedding tears when I was sitting there, sniffling to themselves and I thought, they shouldn't cry for the dead.

Instead they should cry for the living, who were left here to struggle with their grief. Instead of the dead person, they should bring flowers for the ones who are so tenderly engulfed in their loss. Instead of dead, they should sympathize with the people who were going through a living death.

Finn was there too along with two cops and it was heartbreaking to see him breakdown in front of so many people. At some time, he just mumbled his words monotonously.

After Claire, I thankfully never had to attend a funeral, but now that I think about it, how ironic it was that the second person turned out to be Dylan.

I really didn't know how to feel. For a brief torturing second, it crossed my mind that he died because of me, that in a way I killed Dylan too, but I shut it out.

I no longer wanted myself to be held hostage by the blame of a murder I didn't commit.

But still the irony was not lost on me, the two persons who claimed to love me and wanted to be with me forever, left me here all alone to suffer with the consequences of their death. Those two who never wanted me to be sad, let their death become a constant source of despair.

The hand clutching mine squeezed it, forcing me to come out of the maze of my thoughts. Staring right ahead, I saw Finn standing there with a robotic expression besides the cops. Maybe he was about to leave. This time for real and I won't see him again.

I felt Ethan's body tense beside mine as I quickly slipped my hand from his grip and giving him a reassuring glance, started walking towards Finn.

There was just one thing on my mind that I needed to let out. One thing I wanted him to know.

When I approached him, there was a blankness on his face. He didn't move an inch or said anything, it's like he was dead inside. As if he died along with his cousin.

I furrowed my eyebrows at him, not liking the masked sorrow etched on his features.

"What do you want now?" He finally uttered in a rough voice, before looking down.

- And that's when I noticed his hands cuffed behind his back.

"It's okay," the words came out of my mouth before I even realized, "I just want you to know that... don't blame yourself."

He just stared at me with empty eyes that I doubted if he was even listening, but nonetheless I continued

"When the realization finally settles in, don't blame yourself for his death. Trust me, there will be a time when you'll realize what you've done and in that moment, I want you to remember that it was not your fault. He didn't die because of you."

I said what needed to be said. I told him something I wish someone would've told me, instead of false accusations of agony. It was me trying to save him from the trauma I went through.

"-and I don't hold any grudge against you, it just happened. We all do reckless things in the name of love and don't worry, you'll always be in my memories. Even if it's the bad ones"

The words felt like as if they just poured into the void, there was not a single reaction or anything. I don't know what I was expecting as I just gazed at him being dragged by the officers, stuffing him in the car.

And as they drove away, just like that an another chapter was finished, but not the story.

The moisture crept up in my eyes when I turned my head and looked around. Everything was black, everyone were dressed in black, the color of broken promises, the color of despair and a lost battle and in that moment, I realized I hated black.

I hated it all along.

When I walked back to my group, everybody wrapped me in a hug. Tears in their eyes were not invisible as they held me, consoled me. Everybody knew everything now and I was still trying to adjust myself to it.

They told me how they felt guilty for not knowing, for not helping me, but it was not their fault. I was trying way too hard to build a wall of lies to keep the truth out.

We all had our regrets. Regret for not saying anything or saying too much. Regret for noticing or noticing, but never acting on it. Regret coating our words, painting our actions.

Regret is like a thief, it quietly sneaks into our hearts and nobody realizes it, until they notice the pieces missing. You'll never know the regret is there, until you see that your happiness had been missing.

Like a shadow, regret too chases us everywhere, looking for a way to break into our heart.

It's up to us how we handle it. We should always cherish our happiness in the deepest corner of our heart and lock it with good memories, so that regret won't get to it.

Regret is a sickening part of our life and it'll always stay with us, but it's up to us, how much space we let it occupy. How despite the bitter regret, we strive to do better and be good in life and fill our heart with satisfaction of our own self.