'here' when ya here.

also, please understand that this is part one. save all ya think pieces for the end. 🦦

Three months later, it was currently the end of May. Soleil and Siraj returned back to their regular schedule, indulging in their own personal lives. Soleil was now fully adjusted to working with kids, amongst those was Semaj who started attending shortly after Spring Break.

Now that it was the end of May, Soleil was preparing herself for exams. She was also mentally preparing for the year anniversary of Xahir's death. Soleil liked to think that her family was slowly adjusting to life without him but his presence was still heavily missed.

Despite being in therapy for seven months now, Soleil still couldn't bring herself to talk about her brother's death. Her therapist pushed that she would eventually have to, but Soleil just wasn't ready.

Every other thing that had gone on in her life, she had no issues whatsoever talking about them—but when it came to Xahir's death, she completely shut down.

She wanted to, it was the last thing she needed to talk about in order to start her healing journey. Her heart just wouldn't allow her to—even if the thought of talking about it crossed her mind, it was like her brain immediately stopped her from attempting to speak about it.

Soleil rubbed her temples as she stared at the screen of her MacBook, she had been reading over the same line for the past five minutes. She couldn't focus to save her life, her mind too foggy from the lack of sleep she'd been receiving.

Unfortunately, now that the anniversary of Xahir's death was nearing, her nightmares about the car accident only intensified.

In some of her dreams, except for her brother being the only one who died, everyone else in the car didn't make it either. And her dream would always end with the drunk driver speeding back towards their car, Soleil watching and screaming in fear as the car was only a few feet away from hitting her side.

Soleil was growing tired of having the same nightmares over and over, so she started to avoid going to sleep.

However, it was starting to take a toll on her mental and her mood—making her cranky.

Soleil slammed shut her MacBook and got up from her chair. She ran her hands down her face, letting go of a deep sigh. She grabbed her phone to check the time, before placing it back down on the table.

She walked out of her room and walked down the stairs. Through the window, she saw red lights flashing, making her raise an eyebrow. She walked towards the front door and opened it, seeing a few of her neighbors standing outside.

She shut the door behind her, walking further out onto her porch. Parked in front of Ms. Jean's house, there was a fire truck and an ambulance. "What the hell?" Soleil mumbled to herself.

A few seconds later, out came some paramedics pushing a gurney that carried her neighbor. "Oh my gosh," Soleil gasped, rushing towards the sidewalk. "What happened?" she asked the rest of her neighbors, concern filling her tone.

"She had a stroke," one of the neighbors told her. Soleil placed a hand over her chest, her mouth agape in utter shock.

Followed by the paramedics coming out of the house, Isidro was behind them with a distressed expression, the phone pressed to his ear as he seemed to be explaining to someone what was going on.

"Lord, may you wrap your arms around that woman and help her get better," Soleil heard from one of the older women.

"What's going on?" Keia asked, with Joziah right behind her as they came out of the house.

Soleil turned towards her friends with a worried look, "Ms. Jean had a stroke," she told them, causing them to both gasp as their mouths fell open.

"Oh my gosh," Keia's eyes went wide, as they all continued to watch the paramedics put Ms. Jean in the back of the ambulance. "I hope she feels well soon,"

Another set of headlights appeared on the street, Soleil recognizing the car to be Siraj's. He parked on the side of the street in front of her house, before killing the engine and getting out.

Just like them, he was sporting a confused expression, seeing the ambulance. He walked towards them, briefly looking over at Ms. Jean's house. "What's going on? Ms. Jean alright?" he asked them.

"A stroke," Joziah replied.

"Damn," Siraj grimaced. Soleil turned and started to walk back into the house as the rest followed her. As Joziah and Keia disappeared upstairs, Siraj followed Soleil into the kitchen.

"Hey sweet girl," he greeted her, wrapping one arm around her waist and leaning down to kiss her.

"Hey," Soleil replied, opening the fridge in search of something to eat. "How was your day?"

"It was okay," Siraj sighed, leaning against the counter.

Soleil briefly looked over at him, studying him closely. "Why just okay?" she pressed him, returning her attention back to the inside of the fridge. She reached in to grab a water bottle instead.

"Just been really tired," Siraj yawned. He followed Soleil out of the kitchen, shutting off the light. They went upstairs to her room, her TV playing at a low volume.

"You haven't been getting any sleep?" Soleil finally asked him, once the door closed. He sat down on the bed, shaking his head. "Why not?"

"Because you haven't been staying the night," he said, Soleil tried holding back a smile, as she playfully rolled her eyes. "I'm being serious, why are you laughing?"

"You're truly a dramatic person," Soleil teased him, sitting down at her desk, and opening her MacBook. "I'm sorry, I just need to make sure that I get all of my studying done without any distractions,"

"So, I'm a distraction?"

"Yes, you are," Soleil answered him, keeping her focus on the screen. "I'm failing one of my classes, and I have to pass this exam with at least an 'A' or 'B' in order to pass,"

"Sweetheart, why didn't you tell me?" Siraj tilted his head, his eyes darting between her and her MacBook. Soleil remained quiet, shrugging. "Come here,"

"Siraj, please," Soleil sighed, shooting him a quick glance. "Not now, okay? I need to study,"

Siraj got up from the bed, walking over to her. He reached over to shut her laptop, "Siraj, stop it!" Soleil snapped at him, trying to open the laptop until Siraj stopped her.

He gently grabbed both of her hands, crouching down in front of her. Soleil tried pulling her hands away from his, but Siraj held them firmly. "Look at me," he sternly told her.

Soleil kept her focus elsewhere, annoyance now gracing her face. "What's going on, love? You don't think I don't notice the change in you lately?" he said.

"It's nothing," she dryly replied.

"Soleil..." he sternly called her, lightly squeezing her hands. "I try not to be overbearing or too pushy when I notice something is bothering you because I want you to come to me when you're ready. But whatever this is sweetheart, it's a toll on you and I don't like it. Tell me what's wrong, even if you think I wouldn't understand,"

Siraj watched Soleil's eyes well with tears, sitting comfortably in the brim, threatening to fall any second. "Talk to me, baby," he grimaced, reaching one of his hands up to gently wipe her eyes.

"It's like no one is even acknowledging the anniversary of his death is approaching. Selah, my parents, the rest of my family—even you," Soleil finally confessed, sniffling. "And I know everyone is just probably busy wit' their lives but it's like I'm the only one who doesn't have the luxury of going on wit' my life because I'm mentally and emotionally suffering from nightmares, anxiety, intrusive thoughts—it feels like he's been forgotten by everyone else,"

"Which I know he isn't, but it just seems like life has gotten easier for you guys while I'm still tryin' to adjust and somehow fit in wit' everyone," she continued, wiping her face with the back of her hand.

Siraj looked down at their hands entangled together, lowering his eyebrows. "I'm sorry you've been feeling this way, love," he tightened his hands around hers. "It's not true though, I'm sure your family is finding it tough to come to terms wit' him being gone for a year now. You should talk to them, sweetheart, you and your family need each other the most during this time,"

"And what about you?" Soleil tilted her head, staring at him. "Siraj, you can keep tryin' to put on a smile but I know you,"

"I'm okay, it's tough but I'm managing. As long as I have you and my family, right?" He finally looked up at her. "We're not talkin' about me though, I'm concerned about you,"

"And I'm concerned about you," Soleil argued, pulling her hands away from his. She wiped her eyes dry again, letting out a heavy sigh. "You're not okay and you can't convince me that you are. Just like you know me like the back of your hand, I know you like the back of mine. The person who is always checking on me can't even practice what he preaches,"

"It's not easy for me, Soleil,"

"Trust me, baby—I know, you're talking to someone who's been in therapy for seven months now and still hasn't talked about her brother's death,"

"And that was one of the main reasons that you started to go, right?" he asked her, surprised that even seven months later she couldn't bring herself to talk about that night. Soleil nodded in response, reaching her hand up to pick a fallen lash underneath his eye. "It doesn't bother your therapist?"

"I thought you were a patient person wit' me, but I think she has surpassed you," Soleil half-joked. Siraj hummed, rubbing over the side of his face. "I just don't want you to think I don't care, Siraj. You don't talk about your dad—which I assume is probably still hard for you to talk about anyway, but don't forget you have someone to vent to,"

"I know," Siraj swallowed hard, standing up straight. "Just...not yet, okay?"

Soleil nodded in understanding, turning back around to face her laptop. "That doesn't mean we're done talkin' though, sweetheart," she heard Siraj say. She opened her laptop, typing in her password. "Soleil..."

"Can we talk about this after I'm done? Please?" Soleil pleaded with him, too drained to talk any more about the situation with Xahir. Siraj simply got up and walked toward the bathroom, leaving Soleil to indulge in her studies.

❦❦❦

"Xahir!" Soleil heard from a distance. "Lei!"

"H-help," Soleil weakly called out, trying to reach her arm down to unfasten her seatbelt. "Xahir, wake up, please," she cried.

Siraj finally made it to the driver's side, peering inside with wide eyes. "I'ma get you out, Lei, don't worry, okay?" he assured her, trying to pry the door open. "Xahir? Xahir, wake up man," Siraj reached his arm through the broken window, to shake his best friend awake.

"Fuck!" Siraj cursed, looking around, panic filling his eyes.

"Siraj," Soleil softly cried. "I-I think he's d—"

"No, Lei, don't think like that, okay?" Siraj stopped her, but deep down inside, he was having the same thoughts. Blue approached Soleil's side, opening her door.

"You okay, li'l bit?" Blue questioned her, concern filling his tone. He reached over to unfasten her seatbelt, peeking into the back seat at the rest of their friends. They were groaning in pain but seemed to be okay as they also unbuckled their seatbelts.

The only one who wasn't responding was Xahir and that alone was filling them with dread.

Blue helped Soleil out of the car, sirens faintly heard in the background as first responders were approaching the scene.

Soleil winced in pain, her knees buckling as she lost her balance. Blue held onto her, a worrisome expression plastering his face. "What's wrong, li'l bit? Where does it hurt?" he asked, examining her.

Soleil slowly sat down on the pavement, her chest heaving up and down as she watched the car. "Xahir!" she yelled his name, her voice cracking. "Why isn't he waking up?!"

By then Siraj, Andre, Dom, and Jahlil had managed to pry the driver's door open. They pulled their homeboy out of the seat, gently placing him on the ground.

Siraj placed two fingers under his neck for a pulse, his heart sinking into the pit of his stomach. "He ain't breathing, man," he told him, now in full panic mode. "Come on, Zah, don't fuckin' do this, man,"

"Not like this bruh, you can't leave us like this," Andre shook his head in denial, as he started to do CPR on his friend. "Wake up, Zah—please don't die man,"

"Xahir?" Soleil cried, her mind racing with thoughts as she saw half of his friends surrounding her brother with panicked expressions. Siraj looked up and locked eyes with Soleil, her eyes pleading with him for some type of good news about her brother's condition.

He walked over to her, seeing that she had cuts on her arms along with a few burns from the airbag. Siraj crouched down in front of her, taking one of her hands in his. "Siraj is he..." she trailed off, sniffling as she tried to hold herself together.

"I-I don't know, Soleil—he's not, he's not breathing," Siraj answered truthfully, causing the young woman to start sobbing harder from the disappointing news.

Flashing red lights could be seen in their peripheral vision, the sirens piercing their ears as it drew closer.

Siraj felt as Soleil's grasp in his hand loosened, as her body then went limp. His eyes went wide as he pulled her closer, slightly shaking her awake. "Soleil?"

"I don't remember what happened after that, I just remember waking up in the hospital and my sister was in the room, softly crying to herself," Soleil recounted back to Dr. Walsh, mindlessly staring out of the window.

"Where were your parents?" Dr. Walsh finally asked her, after intently listening to Soleil retell the story of what happened the night of the accident.

"They were wit' my brother, Selah told them that she'll stay wit' me until I woke up," Soleil told her, reaching for another tissue out of the box. "They thought that I had, um, you know, died—when Siraj called them. My sister told me she prayed the whole way to the hospital, she thought that she had lost both of her siblings,"

"They tried asking me what happened, but I refused to tell them anything until I was able to see Xahir. They were really hesitant about it, but they finally agreed to let me see him," Soleil wiped under her nose, then sniffled.

She paused for a brief moment, gazing down at her fingers. "I couldn't believe what I was seeing when I walked into his hospital room," Soleil started sobbing, fresh tears quickly rolling down her face. "That wasn't my brother in that bed—it just couldn't be him, not the man that I was just cracking jokes with earlier in the day. Not him,"

"At that moment, I blamed myself for him being like that. I got off easily, I made it out with just an injured back and arm, a few cuts and burns—and there my brother was, the only thing standing between him and death was the ventilator he was on," she continued sobbing, looking up at the ceiling. "I asked God, why? Why did he take Xahir? Why not me? What did he do to have his life taken from him? Was this my punishment? I mean, he knows how much my brother means to me, so, why did he take him?"

"It's not fair, at times, I don't even want to be here because I feel like I don't deserve to be. And I know death is a part of life but it's a different story when someone causes the death of a loved one. Every day I walk past people wondering if one of them is the person that caused my brother's demise," Soleil shook her head, trying to blink away more tears that were desperately trying to escape the brim of her eyes.

Dr. Walsh observed the young woman as she took a few minutes to gather herself, dabbing her eyes with tissues. She jotted down a few things in her notebook, before returning her attention to Soleil.

"May I ask you a question?" Dr. Walsh finally spoke. Soleil nodded in response, running her index finger under her lash extensions. "You stated that you blame yourself for what happened to your brother, what guilt are you carrying, Soleil?"

Soleil inhaled deeply, before slowly exhaling. "I was taking too long to get ready, they waited on me for like an hour. They were ready to go and I took my time—had I moved wit' a bit more urgency, we would've left the house much sooner, not giving the drunken driver a chance to even slam into us," Soleil explained, picking at the fabric of her jeans.

"But if I'm understanding perfectly, your brother and you didn't have plans on attending this party until the last minute, correct?"

"Yeah..."

"Then this isn't your fault, Soleil. I understand that you may need to hold someone accountable for what happened, but you are not that person. The person at fault in this situation is the person that willingly got behind the wheel of a car under the influence and got onto the road." Dr. Walsh assured her, gently pushing up her glasses.

"Often in situations like these where someone has lost a loved one in an unfortunate event, they project blame onto themselves. Sorting through the 'what if's, spending countless times wondering what they could have done to prevent the situation from occurring. However, Soleil, I need you to understand that there was nothing different that you could have done to prevent this from happening,"

"It doesn't make what you're saying hurt any less," Soleil truthfully replied, half-shrugging. And it was true, no matter what people told her or how much she was assured that it wasn't her fault, Soleil conditioned herself into thinking that it was her fault that her brother was dead.

She liked to believe if had she moved more quickly or just decided to stay in, her brother would still be alive.

"And that's okay," Dr. Walsh grimaced, shifting in her chair. "What you're feeling is valid, it's natural to carry some type of guilt but I also think it is time for you to start reminding yourself, you cannot prevent the inevitable from happening. I know that it is easier said than done, there isn't a timestamp on healing from this type of trauma, but from this moment, Soleil—"

Dr. Walsh paused, sitting up, pointing at her. "You are taking the first step. You have sat through sessions wit' me for seven months, and just a day before your brother's anniversary, you decided to finally talk about it. That speaks volume, Soleil. For the past year, your accident, the death of your brother—your overall trauma has consumed you, it defined your entire identity,"

"And often, people are afraid to take that first step into their healing journey, to talk about that very single event that has molded who they are as an individual—because when they do, they have to acknowledge that outside of this trauma, they don't truly know who they are. You are now at the stage where you're rediscovering yourself, you're starting over,"

"And trust me, dear, this journey will start out very confusing because you will not know where to begin. As time progress, this situation with your brother won't trigger you, and that will be because it will no longer be a painful memory you've avoided and buried." Dr. Walsh finished, passing Soleil more tissues as she sat with a face full of tears, taking in what her therapist was spewing.