Waking up in my own bed felt odd, it had been too long since I had the comfort of my own life- the current one. I've been delving into my past for a while, ignoring the present, thinking too much about the future that I just haven't lived. Jess booked me a Doctors appointment, I have to talk about it again, something I haven't done in a long time. The engaged look they all wear and how they check their database about me, write down various notes and nod as I tell them how I feel.

Mornings are never easy to get used to alone. Jess was out, Jim was working and I knew soon I'd return- get back and on with the life I enjoy. Sitting up I climb out of bed and feel the familiar sense of home return, a smile is worn on my face as I walk downstairs. I feel productive, no one is holding anything over me here, I can simply be without fear here.

Everything goes smoothly, despite some comments in my thoughts they aren't lurking over me, hurting me in anyway. The sound of my own foot steps as my weight dips the creaking floorboards and continues to do so with each step I take, dipping and rising consistently. All is too quiet here, it is too peaceful but is it really? Or it is normal, normal; something I can't say I'm used to anymore. Sitting down in front of the TV I can picture Jess next to me, laughing along with me about some TV show we would be watching, sipping wine and catching up on the days we had. I can see her putting on her heels and spinning for me as she would head out for the night, the times when I'd pick up the phone and give my sister a call or face time her and Alfie; so unknown of what was to come.

Shaking the thoughts from my mind the laughter has gone from my side, only the dull voices of mid morning television are my acquaintance for today. I glance over to the front door, hesitant to go too close to it now knowing if I go out, what will happen? What could happen to me that no one would believe. Tearing my eyes away I sigh and observe the interior of the open space, what drew us to this place in the first place? Probably the rent. Maybe the location? Maybe all of the chances we had here to do something, be something different. Being different was just what we both wanted, maybe I wanted it too much.

Lying down on the sofa with the remote in hand I flick through various channels, unsure on what to waste my day with. The cushions behind me are comforting, closing my eyes I can picture myself back with Dan, how he held me so protectively. I can see myself there, turning towards him and rather than pulling myself away, leaning in. Quickly sitting up right I walk to the front door, grabbing my phone and keys I slam it shut behind me.

I need space.

*

Around me the darkness closes in, shadows grow and merge. Picking up my pace I can hear my shallow breaths rise as people walk by with their hoods held up, faces hidden whilst I remain exposed. Pulling my hair forward I hurry, not wanting to be too obvious that I was afraid of being out here where strangers lurk. Sometimes those who you think you know turn out to be the biggest strangers, and you all know who I mean.

As I reach the front door I fumble with my keys to get it open, they drop and I swear to myself as I uneasily turn around expecting him to be there. But no, I'm alone. It's just me and my thoughts, as always. Unlocking the door I thank the sky as I slam the door shut, resting against it as I catch my breath, not yet ready to walk away and act as if all is fine.

"Ali?" The confused tone startles me as I straighten up, Jess appears from around the corner with a bowl full of steam. She places it down and nears me, I'm struggling to hide my fear. Pausing a few steps away from me I can feel her analysing me, the desperation in my eyes, how my lips are cracked, the stains that mark my cheeks; how everything is too difficult for me. Sometimes I wish she could crack open my skull and release the bad thoughts, I'd be dead as a result but would that mean more peaceful? Who knows.

Slowly she reaches her arms out, I can see the caring look as she remains cautious. Taking a small step forward I'm within her reach and fall into her arms, unable to hold back the tears anymore. "I, I can't do it Jess." Sobbing loudly I'm sure she can't understand a word I'm saying but she shushes me and strokes my hair, much like an action my Mum would do when I fell over and grazed my knee as a kid.

"I'll get the wine, you take some pasta and put on The Vampire Diaries yeah?" Pulling away she smiled sweetly, and all I did was nod.

Sitting down with Jess, watching TV and having wine should have felt like old times, but it just didn't. It all feels too forced, I can't see myself as the me before where I'd willingly spill my soul out to her and sip wine until it felt like water. Instead I felt numb, all I could do was cry to her and refuse the wine. "It's just getting worse." I muttered half way through the tears, she was always patient, never rushed me to tell her what was exactly wrong.

"Mentally worse?" Hearing her refer to me, to my mental state hurt. Obviously Jess knew about me, about my problems but we never really talked it over, not fully. It felt like I was naked, being exposed properly for the first time. Yet I nodded which she responded to by standing up in front of me, holding her hands out. "Come with me." I obliged as she led me upstairs and through her room out onto the balcony.

Everywhere was alive, the city night life was only just beginning as cars rushed by eager to arrive at any destination. The cheers and laughs could be heard anywhere, we can see the bright colours some people wear from here, hear bottles smash against the ground in the middle of the night. "Why'd you bring me outside?" I ask quietly as I wrap my arms around myself, a chill going up my spine.

"As I want you to see life, that life is worth it." She speaks boldly, no longer cowering behind that comfort of our sofa and the old traditions we had. "You can see, hear, feel the life here. I can hear it throughout the day and so do you, even if you deny it." Pausing she lowered her head whilst I stared straight ahead, the lights blurring my vision. "In order for you to truly experience this all again I think it's time to go make an appointment."

I squirmed on the spot, she was right. But being right didn't make it any easier to think about or come to terms with. Avoiding eye contact I tried to relax whilst her eyes remained locked on my every move. "It's not that easy." I sighed against the railing.

"Have you even tried?" She was quick to retort and I pushed myself off of the railing, away from the view and back into the isolating colourful room she has with her hot on my trail. "Ali, you can't keep ignoring this!" She yelled to me as I stood at the top of the staircase, staring down.

Turning to face her she held back, her eyes remained wide as her hands were in front of her. "What?" I bluntly stated. "You'd think, you think I'm going to? And, and-" Fumbling for words I shook my head, defeated by my own will power. Sniffing loudly I collapsed down with a thud, "I'm stronger than this." Yelling out to no one it echoed in the high ceiling whilst Jess moved closer and sat down next to me.

Her arm found its way around my shoulder and I leant against her, softly sobbing. "You're stronger than this." She whispered as all remained silent around us, even the voices hushed. "Which is why we need to get you help, yeah? I know what happened when you were away, Jim told me." I felt something growling, screaming, swearing at me inside about Jim telling my best friend before I had the chance, but I was too inferior to act on it. "It's been too many times now for you to be okay. But with help you will be okay. I'll make the appointment for you, tomorrow morning yeah?"

Weakly I nodded. Maybe help won't be so bad? "I'll be okay." Mumbling to myself for reassurance I vaguely hear Jess repeat it.

*

Closing the door behind me I straighten myself up, forcing every fibre in me to step forward and not retreat to what is comfortable. That and knowing if I turn around now Jess will not hesitate to walk me there herself. The appointment has been made for 10:25am, on the dot. A specialist will be seeing me they said.

The thought of seeing a specialist is daunting, it makes me feel as if I'm being pushed further and further off of the scales. That normality and what is classed as is something I am not, not anymore anyway. Stepping forward I turn left, heading towards the row of old shops that are close to being out of business, some already boarding up with shame.

Walking past the windows I can't help but glance by. I look normal, I tell myself. "Do you though?" Asking myself I shake the thought as I force my green eyes from themselves and continue forward, not glancing anywhere but ahead.

Nearing the building there are fewer people around. Elders with younger people come out slowly, carefully being helped into a car before departing speedily. A young girl with her brunette locks skips by me, laughing as she goes with her Mum rushing past me, apologising as she nears her eager child. Glancing back the girl pauses, face full of youth and naivety. She reminds me of Zoe.

Zoe. A strong pang of guilt surges across my chest. Leaning against the metal bars that cage in forgotten plants turned weeds and wildlife I sigh. Shaking my head I continue walking but I can't shake her face of anger from my mind, the moment she screamed at me, slapped me across my cheek. I can feel it burning up now at the thought. Touching it lightly with my finger tips it burns.

The building is in sight. As I get closer I can see the pamphlets displayed, how colourful they are to disguise the horrid messages they contain of disease and sin. Someone opens the door and I hover by it as they patiently wait for me to take it from them, but I can't. Shaking my head I mutter something to her as she walks away, not bothering to lift her head to acknowledge my response.

I can hear Zoe's screams becoming louder, almost deafening. The dream I had of her and Alfie is more vivid, more twisted than the first time I saw it. Alfie's laugh is more demonic, less entertaining. Dragging my feet away from the door I pick up speed and start to run, run away in hope the voices would lose speed. Not be able to latch on if I'm fast enough.

But that's not how it works.