I'm standing with my fake friends on the fake grass of the football field on my very last day of high school, ever.

The girls around me wipe artificial tears from their eyes while dabbing the running mascara that leave black trails behind.

"Can you believe this is it?" Nikki says to me gripping my hand. Her long fingernails dig into my palm. I just smile in response, which is more than enough for her.

Maybe I should feel sad that this chapter of my life is closing but I can't seem to figure out how I can possibly feel upset to leave this all behind.

Why would I miss the smell of industrial cleaner, sweaty locker rooms, nasty teachers, and friends that are only looking for the next best piece of gossip? When the whole world is out there waiting?

Maddy doesn't show up for the senior countdown. I knew she wouldn't. I continuously look for her black combat boots among the crowd of brightly colored flip-flop and boat shoes.

"Who are you looking for? Maddy?" Nikki asks.

"Yeah. She isn't supposed to come though."

"She is so weird. West, I don't know why you waste your time."

It's so hard to bite back the words that threaten to tumble out of my mouth. I want to scream how she's real when we are all hiding behind this mask that makes us feel way more superior than we will ever be.

I want to yell about how she has helped me more than they ever have and will, even if Maddy and I don't talk about serious things.

But I'm a coward. I have always been afraid.

Afraid of hurting myself because of what these girls could do to me. They have no hold over me anymore.

These girls that have smirks instead of smiles. I have tried so hard to fit in with them and realized not that long ago that I will never and could never be like them.

After today I will most likely never see them again unless Maddy drags me to a party or the beach but I still can't form the words that taste so bitter on my tongue.

I am not a good friend. I have never thought of myself as a good friend before and today proves it once again. I can not stick up for my best friend as the other girls join in while making fun of Maddy. I am so weak and unsure of who I am and who I want to be.

I walk away.

Maddy can punch someone in the face for me but I can't even tell a few nasty blonde haired girls to shut their mouths.

***

I'm home way before I should be and Mom is sitting in the old recliner that she refuses to part with. It's floral patterned, has one hole in the center and one on the corner it used to be white but is now a dingy gray. Her eyes are closed and her brown curls are pulled away from her face.

"What are you doing home?" She asks without opening her eyes. She does this a lot. Knows who is who without ever seeing us. She says she can feel our presence.

"I didn't want to stay for senior countdown." I fall onto the sofa next to her and curl my legs underneath me. The air conditioner is on extremely high, leaving goosebumps all over my arms and legs.

"Stupid traditions," Mom mutters. She hates high school and everything it stands for. She wanted Nate and I homeschooled but Dad refused. Just another thing they disagreed upon during our upbringing.

"Agreed," I say and that makes Mom smile, like she won against Dad.

"So can we talk about what happens next?" I ask cautiously. Mom revealed her cancer diagnosis about two years ago. Since then she has done a few surgeries and has continuously refused chemotherapy. She has never been in remission and she most likely never will be.

"Well the cancer spread just a bit," she says just like she is telling me we are having hotdogs instead of spaghetti for dinner. No big deal.

"I know. What is the next thing you are trying?" I am holding back tears and holding back my anger towards her selfishness.

"I'm going to keep chugging along. Doing what I'm doing and everyone else will do the same."

I walk away.

I walk away for the second time in less than an hour.

***

I don't know why I end up at Maddy's. Maybe I need some mindless interaction. Loud music, crappy food, this wonderful silence that we have created among us.

But when I knock on the door Finn and Peyton answer. Peyton looks at me with her big blue eyes and even bigger smile.

"Hey, Maddy isn't here," Finn says opening the door wider and walking further inside. A silent invitation to come in.

"Oh okay. Maybe I'll just go."

"You can stay and wait. Congrats on finishing high school," Finn gives me this smile that makes my skin feel hot.

He is good looking in that traditional way. Brown hair, blue eyes, strong and lean in his jeans and red t-shirt. And then you add an adorable toddler.

Finn puts Peyton on the ground and she wobbles over to me with a handful of Cheerios. I sit on the floor and she plops right into my lap and begins munching. Finn laughs and sits down next to me.

"So what's next?" He asks.

"What do you mean?"

"College? Work? A year off?"

I pause. I hate this question. Nosy relatives ask, teachers ask, guidance counselors ask, my parents ask. But when Finn asks it seems casual, like an open forum to speak my thoughts not an interrogation.

"I guess I was thinking about traveling."

"Where to?"

"I don't know. Bali would be amazing. But I might start smaller like London or France, you know. Just as a kind of trail run, see if I'm cut out for it."

He smiles and it's so genuine that I want to wrap it up and take it home and look at it whenever I'm feeling sad or mad or whatever else I'm feeling.

"But you're unsure?" He asks, genuinely curious.

"I might have to stay here," I say thinking about the cancer that is overtaking Mom's body as she sits and allows it to happen. As she waits for the cells to destroy every part of her until she is nothing but skin and bones.

"To go to college?"

"No. To take care of my mother," I say. I feel my eyes widen because I just told him something that I have been keeping inside for two years. No one knows about Mom's cancer. Not Maddy, not my fake friends, not my teachers.

Finn looks at me to keep talking. He doesn't ask anything else. He is like Maddy in that way, quiet thinkers.

They both know when to stop, when to let you think and just be. I appreciate it now more than ever. It feels like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders when I think about sharing everything that has been happening over the last couple years of my life but at the same time, do I really want to share this part of myself with a guy I don't really know?

"We can talk about something else," Finn says while handing Peyton more Cheerios and her cup. She smiles happily at him and mutters some unintelligible words.

"Alright. Yeah," I murmur.

"I always thought I'd go away to school. Somewhere far. Just the idea of getting the hell out of this town used to make me feel like anything was possible, you know?"

"Exactly." I say and finally look him in the eyes. There is no judgement there.

"When Peyton came along and I realized I'd have to stay it was okay too. It was just a new adventure than the one I originally planned. I kind of realized that it wasn't about leaving the town it was just about leaving who I was within the town."

"When did you know you wanted to keep Peyton?" I say running my fingers through her fine blonde curls.

"The second I found out my girlfriend was pregnant. Okay maybe not the second. Probably 15 minutes after I found out."

"Even after she left?" I ask.

"I always knew she wasn't going to stick around." He pauses looks at Peyton then back to me, "Maddy doesn't know that."

"So she had the baby for you?" I ask.

"Not exactly. She would have never not had the baby, that wasn't even one of the options she considered. She talked about adoption a ton. I kept saying no. And she kept ignoring me. Eventually the adoption process became too much of a burden, especially when she knew I'd be fighting her every step of the way so she gave up on that idea too."

"She never considered staying?" I can't imagine carrying a baby for nine months and never thinking about life with him or her, but I am not brave enough to say anything along those lines.

"I thought she would change her mind. She had this baby shower and all of P's stuff was at her house. And I found her looking at it. I thought that was going to be the moment that changed everything, but that was the moment that broke her and us. Laney looked and me and said that there was no part of her that wanted this baby." Finn is not looking at me or Peyton. He is staring almost through us, like he is reliving this moment for himself.

"I will never forget the look in her eyes. It was this desperation to escape but she couldn't. She was so miserable. I told her I'd be over later to move everything to my house and to call me when she goes into labor and that is exactly what happened. She left as soon as she was released from the hospital." Finn finishes and his cheeks are slightly red.

"Do you know where she is?"

"She still lives in our old town. She never moved away," He says and then finally looks at Peyton and smiles at her like she is the only thing that matters. She is the only thing that matters to him.

I take a deep breath and hold back the tears that are burning behind my eyes, "My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago. She has done a ton of small surgeries to remove tumors but nothing really helps. My mom is this hippy holistic nutcase who refuses every doctor's opinion. We're surprised she has lasted this long."

"I just can't imagine leaving my family behind when she could possibly die. The cancer is spreading and once again she is acting like she has a cold. I don't know whether to be mad and leave and continue living my life or stop everything and live my life with her for as long as I can. We are close. She is more of a friend than a parent and it has always been like that. I just can't imagine leaving her right now."

"What about your dad?" Finn asks. Peyton leaves my lap in search of toys to play with. She picks up a wooden block and hands it to Finn, he smiles and gives it back to her and the repeat the process a few more times with different blocks.

"My dad and mom are separated. So they live together but aren't together. God, it's so screwed up. So Dad obviously cares and he has tried to convince her to listen to the doctors but he gave up. My dad is very practical and that is probably why their marriage failed." I laugh without humor and Finn smiles sadly. It isn't pity it's more of understanding.

"Well, I know it doesn't really matter what I think but I think you need to figure out what you want. Your mom is deciding how she wants to live and I think that is what you need to do. It's going to be hard and might feel like you're abandoning them, but you aren't. You have to live your own life, West."

I love the way he says my name like melting wax from a candle: sweet and smooth.

And I look at him and Peyton and even Maddy living their lives how they want to and I feel like I can, like maybe I can get on a plane and fly somewhere far away and then something holds me back. This giant elephant sitting on my chest when I think about leaving. The only way it seems possible is when Finn is talking about it.

Finn is talking about me like I am strong and confident, like I am not this sad girl who has tried so hard to fit in that she just doesn't know who she is.

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-Brooke