Without Finn, Peyton, and Maddy I was stuck at home with my crumbling family. Mom and Dad have been separated but not divorced for a while now, it was a confusing thing to explain and to actually make sense of. They live together but they don't interact much.

Mom was sick, she didn't work much, and she really couldn't take care of herself. Dad loved her too much to kick her out but he knew they weren't in love anymore. They never brought home their dates if they ever went on any. They were in this weird middle ground between being with each other and being apart and I don't think they knew how to handle it.

I wonder if that is how Finn felt about Laney.

Mom was taking a nap on the living room couch while Dad was in the kitchen drinking his fourth cup of coffee of the day. He was shaking his head over the sports section of the newspaper.

"Hey Westie," he said his smile making the wrinkles near his eyes stand out.

"I'm not going to college in the Fall." His hazel eyes widened at my sudden outburst of honesty.

"I'm planning to go to college. Just not yet." My voice wavered only slightly as I spoke.

Dad put his mug down and folded his hands on top of the newspaper, "and what do you plan on doing?" His calm demeanor was all an act. I could see the vein in his forehead throbbing, my brother had the same one.

"Travel, think, I don't know. I just need to figure things out."

"College is where we figure things out," he says.

"I'm not going to figure anything out being shoved into another four years of classes that I don't even want to take, Dad."

Mom wandered into the kitchen slowly. Dad and I stopped arguing to watch her, "I'm proud of you, Westlyn." She said kissing my cheek.

Dad was speechless. I won this battle.

***

I'm not sure if it was the lingering courage and adrenaline from my non-fight with Dad but I decided to drive to see Finn. He was constantly on my mind as more than the distraction I had planned for him. I don't know if it was because he actually seemed to listen when I spoke or the calming sound of his voice that I couldn't get enough of.

I knock on the door and Maddy answers, "hey," she says leaving the door open and walking back into the house, "Finn isn't home yet. I think he took P to the doctor or something."

"Oh, is she okay?"

"Yeah just a checkup or some shit," Maddy mumbles.

"Okay. Well I'm here to see you too."

"Sure you are, kid." Maddy smirked and turned back to whatever show she was watching on T.V.

She looks at me, "just so you know, I told Finn we went with some guys because I wanted to piss him off."

I just nod. When Maddy decides to do something she never thinks about the outcome for anyone else.

It is something I've become used to during our short friendship and something that I don't find the need to do anything about. Maybe that makes me weak. Maybe it is why she can walk all over me. But I don't care and I don't know what that says about me.

"Oh and I know Finn wants me to tell you everything about our lives," I look at her waiting for her to continue.

She is silent.

"It's fine." I say.

"Of course it is. You don't need to know all that crap, West. It isn't good. Finn and I are good now so I think that's more important."

"Are you really good, though?" I ask nervously.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

I don't answer. She is a loose cannon and I have no way of reeling her back in. I also don't know anything so have no way of knowing how deep everything runs.

The door opens and Finn walks in holding a sleeping Peyton. He smiles when he sees me, "hi guys."

"I told her I'm not telling her anything." Maddy says while walking to her room.

"You're such an angel Maddy. How did I get blessed with such an incredible sister?" Finn says.

"Fuck off," she slams her door.

We stare at each other. Blue eyes to green eyes. We don't know who should make the first move because we were playing a game without a rule book. He walks away to put Peyton in her room and comes back almost immediately.

He takes my hand and leads me to his bedroom silently and closes the door. He places his warm hand on my cheek, leans forward and kisses me softly. I laugh and pull away from him, "I didn't come for that."

Finn backs away with his hands up, "so then, Westlyn, what are you here for?" his tone is playful and sarcastic, a side I rarely get to see of him.

"Okay, maybe I'm here for that too." He laughs and lays down on his bed. I sit next to him and he pulls my legs so I'm laying besides him. He turns onto his side and I do the same.

"What's going on, West?" He asks and I want him to say my name after every sentence because I love how his lips form the word. His thumb brushes over my lips then he trails his hand down my arm and back up again. Goosebumps form all over my skin. I sigh and close my eyes, we're forehead to forehead, "talk to me," he whispers and I wonder if he knows that when he talks and touches me like this talking is the last thing on my mind.

I back away from him so I can think clearly.

"I told my dad that I'm not going to college. Remember we talked about this that one time?" I say and he nods his eyes are light with the smile that forms on his face.

"I remember."

"He wasn't that happy, I don't think. My mom said she was proud though."

"Have you decided what you want to do?" He asks and kisses me gently again.

I shake my head, "travel is still possible," I stop talking, kiss him again, and say, "but it's only two months away and that would be a whole lot of planning in two months."

I force the tears back that are threatening to well up, "and I can't leave if my mom is doing worse, you know? How can I just leave not knowing what is going to happen?"

"You don't have to leave in two months. And you can always come back."

"I guess. But I feel like I'd have to go when school's supposed to start so my dad can't freak out. God, Finn, I was looking at the college catalogue and I just couldn't imagine throwing myself back into the same routine. Fake friends, classes that I don't care about, and still so confused about who I am."

"Hey, you'll figure all of that out, West. It takes time." His eyes are so blue and I try to memorize where the flecks of brown and gold flow into the blue like sand being washed away by the ocean.

Finn seems to be taking in every word I'm saying. His fingers continue to make lazy designs on my skin between even lazier kisses while I collect my thoughts, "how did you decide?" I ask.

He says, "I always knew I was going to college but I didn't know what I'd do. I never thought I'd be doing something like accounting." He laughs, "it all changed with Peyton though. I needed courses that I could easily take online and a career that always had job security and good pay, but yeah this isn't what I would have picked."

"What would you have picked?" I ask my hands now making their way up the front of his blue t-shirt.

"Hmm, well in kindergarten I said that I wanted to be a sea lion feeder."

I laugh, "I wanted to be a lego builder,"

He laughs even harder, "then that is what you should be," he sighs, "but then when I started college I wanted to be an elementary school teacher. I worked at a summer camp for a while and loved everything about it. The way the kids' eyes would light up when they learned a new way to jump off the diving board or how everything seemed to be so significant even if it was something as simple as me saying 'good job' like I told all the kids."

"You're something, Finn."

He shakes his head, "Westlyn, I don't want to just have fun with you but I don't know how to be anything more right now."

"Come with me," I say abruptly.

"Where?" he asks.

"Away. In two months lets go or we can go now. We can figure it all out on the way." My hands are gripping his t-shirt and my body is basically on top of his.

"West, you know I can't."

"Peyton can come. And Maddy needs to take care of herself."

He laughs and it isn't light like the laugh from before it's pained and broken, "do you know how much I wish that could all work out? That we could just leave and never think about anything here again?" I'm silent as I watch his every movement, "it just isn't realistic for me. I made my choice with P and I don't regret it. But having Peyton makes a lot of choices for me."

"I won't go either," I say kissing him harder this time. He kisses back but pulls away before my tongue can slip into his mouth.

"You have to go, West. You need to find yourself. We still have two months and Peyton and I will be here when you get back."

"You're going to wait?"

"You're going to wait?" He challenges, "I thought we were just having fun."

"I thought you weren't ready for anything."

"Shut up," he laughs and we fall back into what we know best, a trail of clothes, hushed silence, and two broken hearts to clean up when we're done.