This is all for my best friend in the whole wide world. Don't bother reading it if you aren't her or you don't care. But cate. I know you say you don't read these. But if you do. I don't care if you see this or not.

Cate, you are the most fucking amazing friend I could ever ask for.

I know we are supposedly "not talking" at the moment...

I don't know what is going on with you and I. I really don't. I thought we were hanging out on Halloween together. Staying out until Four AM Complaining about Josh. But I follow Amara on Instagram. She says "I'm waiting for Halloween so we can post together" blah blah blah.

I'm really frustrated. I took you too the counselor with me, because I wanted you to know about all of my problems... All the fucked up parts of me! BECAUSE I FELT I COULD TRUST YOU. I feel like we are drifting. Which is weird since we just had a sleepover together and we snuck out at 2AM just to be rebels....

You always say I'm your Number one. I don't feel that way. You say I can trust you with anything. I... I really don't feel that way. It's really fucking hard for me to open up to people. You know this more than anyone. I built my self a fortress of insecurities.... I thought taking you to the counselor with me would help you understand what's really going on within my head. But now I feel like the whole damn thing was a big fucking mistake. I shouldn't have opened up to you. I know I'll regret saying that. I know I will. And I guess I already do. But I vowed to not hit the delete button to change my feelings. You tell me not to be mad if I see you hanging out with Kena.

I'm trying. I'm fucking trying so hard you don't even understand... But, the thing is. It takes me so GOD DAMN long to open up to someone the way I did with you. You know more about me than probably my parents do. When you hang out with Kena. It makes me feel like it's all over. Everything I worked for. My our don't know it, but it takes me weeks to tell you small things. I rehearse, rehearse again. I work so hard. I'll type out text messages and delete them. Write them again. Delete them. Cause I'm scared if I tell you too much. You get scared off. You keep telling me to try to not get jealous, or mad. BUT IM ALREADY TRYING SO DAMN HARD. I told you about my doctors appointment. You know I have issues. My head is racing, all the time. I just texted Memphis asking if he loved me. He doesn't hang out with me anymore. You know that too. But he still told me he loved me and will always be there for me no matter what. I feel upset at the fact that I feel more comfortable to tell me things than I do to you.

Maybe I'm just exaggerating. But...

You're someone I could see hanging out with the rest of my life.

What's even more weird.

I don't know why I feel like an outcast to you. I feel like we are the fucking definition of friendship. But we aren't at the same time...

Anyway.... I love you. I hope you do get to see this. If you do. Don't tell me. Don't act differently towards me. Don't even text me about it. I don't need to know if you understand my feelings. I just want to see it. Don't tell me. Don't.

~The Theo to your Xoe~

•PiggyCantSwim•