A/N:

😩😭

❤️

"Didn't you know that I've missed you.."

"Of course I didn't know, Angel...I-I missed y-you so much," My words turn into whispers at the electric feel radiating through me from the sensation of her hand cupping my cheek. I glide my hand up her arm and over her hand, holding it still against my face , basking in the warmth of her love.

We lay together, underneath the trees near the water bank of where we first met. My arms snuggly wrapped around her so tight- I've missed the feel of her body against my body.

We talk for what seems like all of eternity. There's nothing, but bords chirping their songs to serenade us. Her smile is the only thing I can pay much attention to anyhow. I've longed for her to touch me the way that only she can. She draws traces across my features, dips her lips into the hollows of my cheekbones, while all I can manage is to hold her tighter and smile the largest grin of my life.

"I have to go now, Papi...I'll see you soon..," She flies away from me now, not walking on her bare feet, she flies just a smidge above the ground. Her white flowing dress is so transparent and lose, but I can see her form so clearly. I can see any part of her , anytime, just behind my eyelids.

"W-What? No....no, Cherie not now- please! Just stay with m-,"

I wake up in a cold sweat, gasping for breath from the recurrent nightmare that steals my sleeping hours. I hear the cooing gurgles from the bassinet beside my bed. My head rushes awake in pure panic- Mum said every four hours! I hurry downstairs to the freezer. With my eyes still practically rolling to the back of my head from my exhaustion, I put a pot of water to boil and dip the frozen baggy of breast milk into it. There's only a few more left...

The thought of running out of the stock of breast milk is not the type of thing I want to be thinking about- especially not now. I've only just gotten Lily here with me for the past week- I couldn't handle it on my own. It felt horrible, but I had to let Mum take the kids for a good while. At least until I was able to get out of bed and stay awake during the daylight hours.

I had forgotten how hard it was to wake up to a crying, hungry baby. But Lily almost never cries! She just lays awake and waits on me patiently, like she knows that I need time. I don't know, it's late, I'm tired, I'm not making sense.

After warming the milk and draining the bag into a glass bottle, I rush back up the stairs to find Lily still quietly lying awake in her bassinet.

"Hi there my precious flower- are you hungry?," She clears my mind with her sparkling eyes and I could swear that she's smiling at me as I lift her in my arms.

I lean all the way back to the headboard of my bed, feeding her the bottle. I love to watch her eat, her cheeks have become more healthily swollen and she gulps down every last drop. It's a weird thought to have, but sometimes I try to imagine the emotions and connection of breastfeeding her- obviously not for myself. What I mean is...is this what Cherie would have been feeling? Is this the way she would have woken up to feed her not from a bottle but naturally, from her breasts. She never got the chance to experience that with Lily...and with the frozen stock running low...well, it's been Lily's only connection with her mother. It makes me sad for her.

As Lily continues to drink her bottle, I turn my sights from her to the other side of the room. The tall, exquisite urn that sits on top of Cherie's nightstand is the cause of my nightmares, but also what makes moments like this feel not so lonely. I feel like she's with me still- but I know it's not right. I know she deserves her peaceful resting place.

"I guess it's time to let go...,"

I spend the whole day planning my trip- it doesn't take long to book a private plane and make my way. Charlie, Richie and Lily are all spending the weekend with my parents- I didn't think I could handle all three of them on the flight. Even though it's a private plane- okay, so maybe I'm just being selfish again.

My car rental is waiting for me as soon as I step out of the airport. I would have just taken a cab, but I don't want anyone to be with me. I spend the quiet of the car ride, turning down familiar roads, smiling softly about the memories they hold.

How is it that a place can be so significantly life changing to one, but mean so little to everyone else?

I begin the torture of my love adventures past, at the old townhome. Parking the car in front of the house, I stay on the curb, hidden away from the beam of the lonely street light. So many moments replay in my mind, so much excitement. The butterflying flutters that once engulfed me, the way my heart already knew who to call my home. I remember her sorrow, her laughter, our pure and instant connection. She is the only one to ever make me feel that I could find love, love deeply and passionately and madly, and be loved the same way in return.

I crouch down into my seat, when I see the front doors open. It's dark outside, but I haven't got a clue of the hour- surely, they can't see me loitering here. The pair, I assume as the new owners, chuckle together in the lovely laughter that only two lovers can share.

They walk off of the front step together, his arms are sling around her waist as he jostles her around for a spin that makes her toes lift from the ground. I remember that hold- the way she used to grip at my hands that laced on her middle, she used laugh her head off when we spun around like fools without a care in the world.

He takes her hand and begins her down the path, all the while I have the advantage of seeing the girls wholesome smile brightening up her face in the moonlight, while her companion looks to be more nervous. I can see him biting his lip, staring down at her in admiration. I remember that feeling, those thoughts, the urgent need and want. I use to look at her the same same way- I know what he's thinking. He's thinking about how lucky he is, but at the same time he's fearful that he'll never be good enough for someone like her. He's brainstorming romantic plans and building a sweet little further in his heart, but at the same time his mind is telling him to move more slowly. I won't ever regret plunging heart over mind. Never.

He presses her against the driver side door of the car a little ways up the road from me. Using his chest to lean onto hers, their hands intertwine down at their sides as their faces loom closely. They stare at each other with lust in their eyes- but I mean, they could be in love...what do I know? I'm basically stalking strangers right now, but I can't stop watching.

I look on, in secrecy with a tender heart. Their smiles spread across their lips as he placed an Eskimo kiss upon the very tip of her nose. She blushes bashfully, her line of vision turning downward, but only for a moment. In the next instant, my heart descends into the pit of my stomach- she reaches her hand up to his face and begins to caress his cheek.

I can't watch this anymore. What am I doing? I begin to drive away as they move together to share a delicate kiss that deserves its privacy. I pass the Italian restaurant on the way- the one we were supposed to go to alone for our first date. I rush ahead through the red light, so that I can't dwell on the kiss she blew through the air that night as she left me. I wonder how long air kisses float?

I take to the winding road up to the familiar hill, that once was her favorite place to unwind. Her own secret little hideaway above the city's busy life. She told me how the world was silent up here, how she'd come and contemplate her role in life and make decisions with a peace of mind. I remember our first time here. I was a heart aching mess, I wanted her back with me so badly that I fell to my knees for the very first time. Pleading with her through my tears, she was and still is the only person to make me do that- and I hold no shame to it.

I don't bother to get out of the car as I park on the hilltop. Just taking in the silence, the breeze, and the glimmering lights from the life down below. My thoughts take a sharp turn towards Jimmy and all the wreckage he caused between us. He ruined this tranquil place for her. Why am I here?

I doin the wheel around, slowly turning the car in the direction of my last trip down memory lane. I don't wish these feelings on anyone- maybe I shouldn't have come here all alone...

I pull into the parking lot, my heart pounding inside my chest. I pull my carry on luggage into my lap, grasping the large package from the outside, not wanting to open the zipper.

"Remember when I asked you to dinner with me?," I talk out loud to myself, hoping that if there is such a thing as an after life, maybe she can hear me.

I laugh softly at myself, "When you drive off that day, I was so happy and excited that you said yes! I knew in my heart of hearts that I had just found someone so special. You instantly lit up my world and set my mind on fire! I sat here and asked God if you were my somebody to love. I actually believed that He'd heard my yearning hearts desire..,"

My fingers stubbornly shake as I tug at the zipper of my bag. I open the package and sift through the bubble wrap and styrofoam, pulling the urn out to hold. "I don't want to leave you here, Cherie...you'll be so far away now...," I remember the morbid days of deathly conversations. I hated the topic so much, but I couldn't deny that the thoughts were always in my mind back then. She was growing more pregnant and turning towards the end of her pregnancy with the twins- and so we had to talk about burial and funeral arrangements. Well, anyway- that's why I'm here.

It's so easy- but I can't do it. I walk the path where she first fell faint in my arms- I said I'd protect her and I tried! I know she knew that I always tried...

My legs become harder and heavier to move when I come up to the spot where she first looked into my eyes. Her hand sent shivers down my spine, her eyes immediately captured my heart- Only fools rush in...and so we did...

I walk all the way to the bridge, sitting myself into the spot where I had last dreamed of us together. There is no glorious sun to shine down on me in the dark of night, all the chirpy birds are sleeping and the water bank is quiet and still.

"I miss you so much, Angel. I-I still c-cant believe-," My steady flow of tears m, now turn to hideous sobs from the depths of my grief and sorrow. My heart is lonely and I know that it will always be that way now. She was my one, my only, the chance for our happiness was never clear and now I wonder if maybe the universe was trying to protect me from her untimely passing.

I do not regret an inch of the love I gave her. The love that still lives within me, that same love that stares back at me from the glowing, beautiful faces of our children. She may have came and went in less time than I wished for, but she left her make in me and my life. She left me children, a family of friends and the strongest bond I've ever had with my own parents. She gave me all of her, until the very last day- I should've went with her! I should have made her stay!

The dry knot in my throat is hard to swallow. I hope I choke. The wind whips it's cool breeze in forceful gustos as I plant on my knees, cradling her urn to my chest. I press the metal so tightly into my body, I can feel the indents left across my chest. Take me with you, darling! I can't bare it...

My whines and whimpers scream freely out of me as I curl my head to the ground, still holding tightly to the last physical piece of the angel that now watches over me. "I can't. I-I it's t-too hard, baby...I can't. I cannt..,"

My sobs grow louder as refuse to let her go. The sounds of a tormented man, if anyone were to hear my cries, they'd think I was dying. The whirlwind of pain stabs at me from every direction. "I can't be without you!"

I feel nauseous. I feel incomplete and empty and I want to shrivel up and stuff myself inside with her. Are these normal thoughts of any widow? Have I gone completely mad?

"Forgive me," I breathe as I take the lid of the vase off and let her tear free from me into the stream where, in the place where love was found- I lie her to rest...forever.

Believe me, I'm no fool. There was never a clear cut moment of our beginning, the ending is much the same. There's no use in my pretending anymore. I know that life goes on and on and on but, this way at least, she will always be with me- any way the wind blows.

😅

😬