I experienced cyber bullying, teasing, and name calling

11, I'm 12 now

Classmates and old friends

Worthless, unwanted, unloved, depressed, etc.

Yes to both

Yes, I've attempted suicide twice

Yes, close friends

Because I thought they would understand and could help

Yes

The bullying started in fifth grade. I would get called names such as fat, ugly, a b*tch, a s*ut, a wh*re and many others. I remember one incident where I made the mistake of telling a friend, whom we'll call Friend 1, who I liked. I made her pinky promise she wouldn't tell ( and to me, at least in the fifth grade, a pinky promise really meant something). At the end of the day I was walking down the halls to go home and someone threw a piece of wadded up paper at me. It said "Eww you like (my crushes name) you're such a stupid b*tch". I wanted to cry then and there but I refused to break down in front of everyone. When I got home I started crying and eventually cried myself to sleep. For the rest of the week I got teased and bullied about it until I finally told a teacher. She told off the bullies (who got lunch detentions) and it never happened again.

Flash forward about a year. I'm in the sixth grade. The year is pretty good so far until I told Friend 2 that I thought I was bisexual. She, being bisexual as well, thought nothing of it and was excited at the idea. She told Friend 3, whom later turned into Bully 1. And that's when all hell broke loose. Bully 1 told the whole school that I was a lesbian (which wasn't true) and insisted that Friend 2 and I were 'together'. Although Friend 2 and I completely denied it, no one believed us. We both got called 'gay', 'lesbian', and 'wh*re' on a daily basis. We both reported it to the principle but he said since it wasnt just a certain group of people, and he couldn't punish the whole school, he couldnt do anything about it. Defeated, we both ran crying to the counselors office in record time. We talked it out and were told just to ignore the comments and to remember that we were our own people. After a few more sessions with her, me and Friend 2 decided to take the advice. After a couple weeks, since we weren't retaliating anymore, they gave up on trying to bring us down. Later that school year, in the last week of school, me, Friend 1 (whom had been forgiven since she stood up for me and Friend 2) and Friend 2 were sitting in the back of our math class when Friend 2 asked to talk to me in private. Friend 1 left us and we were there alone. A few moments later, Friend 2 had admitted to me that she had secretly liked me all year, but that she was moving back to Arizona with her dad in the summer. Shocked, I didn't know how to react. At the end of that class period I told Friend 2 that I loved her as a friend, but nothing more. She was hurt by my response but didnt let it ruin our friendship. For that last week we had together we were closer that ever. After school let out, since she didn't have a phone, me and Friend 2 had to part ways. I still love her like a sister and miss her to this very day.

After that amazing, bully-free summer, I had to go back to school. Great. From the very first day of school, I had already established friends and enemies. I still got bullied and called names, but I tried not to let it effect me. It wasn't until the 5th week of school that it got to the point where I had started cutting and becoming depressed/suicidal. Me and my new boyfriend had been dating for a week when someone had started an account on Instagram titled 'dms___couplessssss'. I got to DMS ( Derby Middle School ). The account basically linked two photos of people whom they thought were dating and left either a positive or negative comment. A picture of me and my boyfriend ( he's a little bit shorter than me ) was posted on the account and the caption was 'the new couple a tall girl with a short guy. Dont think that goes together but have fun in the relationship'. Not that bad, right? Well afterwards the person, who of course remained anonomys so as to not get caught, started leaving meaner comments and started cursing at me over a DM message ( for those of you who don't have instagram, it's a direct message; similar to a PM on wattpad). The words were so hateful that I couldn't take it anymore. I went into the bathroom and took a razor to my ankles, waist, thighs, and knees. I let them bleed for a good 2 minutes before I applied pressure to make it stop. After cleaning the wounds I took some ibuprofen ( enough to overdose; my first suicide attempt ) and went to sleep. I woke up in the morning, much to my dismay. I had failed, obviously, and it only made me feel worse. The next day, I found out who owned the account. Bully 1. She continued to bully me through out the day and threatened to fight me if I didn't break up with my boyfriend. I didn't break up with him and went home and proceeded to cut; this time on my wrists. I covered the cuts with a few braclets and a hoodie and went to school.

For the next few days I continued to cut everyday after school due to the bullying from Bully 1. I had accepted cutting into my daily routine, I was in a state in between depressed and sad. I was comfortable, in the simplest form. About a week later another anonomys account on Instagram appeared. It was called 'biggest_derby_bitches'. It posted pictures of girls whom were apparently 'b*tches' and, in the captions, explained why. And guess who's picture was the first one posted on the account page? Mine. The caption was titled 'BITCH ALERT ~ she's fucked with so many guys'. This hurt, of course, because in the last 2 years I had only had a total of 3 'boyfriends'. I went home that day and cut and cut and cut until my wrist was stained in blood and it felt like I had no more skin to cut ( my second suicide attempt ). I blacked out for a few hours but eventually came to. I was disappointed that yet again, I had failed to accomplish killing myself. The pain was too great and I wanted it to end. 2 weeks past and me and my boyfriend were becoming closer because a friend had seen the cuts on my wrist and told him about it. He confronted me about it and after I tried to explain why he promised to always be there for me. Things have gotten a tiny bit better but cutting is still a part of my routine, sometimes twice a day, and I'm still considering suicide.

I know that my story isn't as bad as others but I was still affected greatly by everything that has happened. My story doesn't end with a happy ending, but it will end soon. Just know that for all, suicide isn't the answer. Dont get stuck like me where there's no way out. Anyway, thank you for reading.

-Mya a.k.a RodrianForLife ( here on wattpad )