→ Let's put the past behind us, eh?

→ Move into the future without turning back

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"So, how about we go hiking today?" Daddy asked while rinsing my bowl and rubber spoon in the tap water. It was the last day of thanksgiving break, a day before I would have to start daycare once again. Daddy had suggested that we finish off thanksgiving break with a fun end, thus why we were at a weekend camp with no service, three hours away from our home.

The camp we had arrived at just yesterday was a plain clearing in the middle of a dense forest. There was no civilization for miles on- no cars and no houses- so just the sound of birds chirping in the morning and crickets creaking at night. We had set up our blue two person tent, hammering stakes into the ground so the tent wouldn't blow away in the heavy winds.

Now, we were sitting on logs across from each other, the campfire blazing high in the middle. Looking back, nothing else was visible besides the silhouettes of the trees and the tent lit by lanterns, all confined in a tiny portion of the camp. The chilly wind made me shiver and I tugged my jacket closer, watching daddy pour the water out of the bowl onto the dirt, making it muddy.

"Yes, I'll get my hiking boots!" I exclaimed, running off into the darkness. I picked up the heavy boots from the corner of our tent, bending down to shove it onto my tiny feet. The laces stretched all the way to the ground. I pulled on them trying to make the rabbit loop like daddy had taught me but the other lace was just not cooperating.

"You need help there, bumble bee?" Daddy appeared, pushing open the flap of the tent.

"Yes, please." I replied, still tugging on the second lace. Daddy bent down, doing the knot without stumbling once. "Thank you!"

I skipped out of the tent, back into the cold night air and daddy followed, close behind. The twigs snapped and leaves crunched beneath my hiking boots as daddy and I marched up the moonlight lit path.

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I woke up with a start in the middle of the night, sitting up in the tightly wrapped sleeping bag. Daddy's arm carelessly lays around my waist. I gently lift his hand back onto his sleeping bag and he stirs slightly before rolling the other way, back into his sleeping bag. A rustling sound of leaves outside and a shadow makes me shiver, this time of fright.

"Daddy?" I whisper, tugging on his sleeve but my eyes not leaving the tent's wall.

"Hm?" He asks sleepily, sitting up in his sleeping bag.

"There's someone outside." Another loud sound comes from outside and I jump onto daddy's lap.

"It's just the wind, princess," he says but I wasn't convinced. I wrap my hands around him and bury my face into his chest. The stubble on his chin tickles the top of my head as he chuckles deeply. I whimper each time I hear another rustle"It'll be over soon." Before we know it, we fall asleep in the same position: me in daddy's arms and daddy's arms around me.

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Stepping out of the two stepped platform of Caden's car towards the church for my mother's funeral was just about the hardest thing I had done.

When I had slipped into the black dress Eli had brought for me and tied my hair up into a plain fishtail braid, I had felt nothing but numbness. Broken and all the feelings that I had though I escaped came rushing back to me. I tried pushing the boys away too, I wanted to be alone like what I deserved. But when Aiden grabbed my arms and looked me straight in the eye and said, "don't push me away" in such a desperation mixed tone, I broke for the first time that day. A month ago, if someone had told me that I would be as close to Aiden as I am now, I wouldn't have believed it. I would have called them crazy and asked them to get checked. But after the incident, it came to a reality. Aiden was the last opening in my heart and now, all stitched up, I fell completely into the arms of my brothers for protection. But the only difference was that they caught me. The only thing keeping me standing straight on the gloomy day was the four boys at my side the entire time.

A lump settled in my throat and my chest ached with buckets of unfelt sadness. With Eli holding my elbow gently for support, we walked in together. I barely registered the sympathetic smiles sent my way or the concerned eyes of the boys. Or that all the seats of the hall were filled, though half the people here barely knew my mother. My eyes zoned in on the casket laid in the front of the hall. A picture of my mother, smiling genuinely was hung just above it. The picture reminded me of all the opposites of the memories I had of her.

That's when realization hit me, once again. Throughout these past days, Caden only ever referred to the funeral as 'your mother's funeral.' Not once had he even hinted at the reminder that the woman's picture was all of our mothers. I sneaked a glance at the boys, sitting on the seats beside me. Caden sat tall and firm but while looking closely, you could see the way he gripped the edge of his seat and leaned forward just enough to show his nerves. Eli had unshed tears lining his eyes and Mason obliviously holding onto my hand. Aiden sat at the other side of me and met my eye when I turned. He offered me a short smile after gulping and offered his hand. I lifted my hand off my lap gently so our hands were conjoined, placed on the metal lining both our chairs.

The funeral hadn't started yet and you could hear the low hum of chatter amongst the people of the hall. I stayed silent along with my brothers.

"Jess, are you okay?" Aiden asked, leaning down slightly to whisper into my ear. I don't answer, not knowing how to. He takes my silence as his answer and his grip on my hand tightens comfortingly.

When the priest took his position on the front podium of the church, a blanketed silence fell upon the hall. The priest's expression remained neutral as he clasped his hands together silently. "Welcome as we today mourn the death of a loved one by many," he begins. "A wonderful person, a person who made a difference to many."

Wonderful wasn't a word to describe my mother. A more accurate, truthful replica of her would be words far opposite of wonderful. A wonderful mother was one who hugged her children, not slapped them. One who worked to support them, not the other way around. One who loved them, not despised them with all they owned. The priest continued on, listing sets of lies about my mother. He made my mother sound like an actually lovely person, when in reality, she would have rather went to a bar than church. The words the priest spoke meant nothing. They were all false, every single world positive word he said about my mother.

I felt fragile those moments, listening to him talk. Hearing him say lighted things about the woman who ruined my childhood, took everything away from me. But it hurt, more than I could ever imagine.

I never got to go to my dad's funeral. It happened, a month after the incident that should have taken me instead of my dad. My mother hadn't told me until I found out days later, by a passerby at the grocery store. I could only imagine how many people came. Dad had always been a good person, looking out of people and doing all he could to help. He taught me to do the same but more than that, he was the person I loved. Bumblee, princess, angel; he called me.

"We pray for our great community member, great friend, and great mother." The priest ended his speech with his final lie about my mother.

One sole tear dripped down my cheek, and then another. Not for my mother but for my dad, for mistakes, and for myself.

'Don't cry,' I chanted to myself, like a mantra repeatedly.

I felt a slight touch brush across my cheek and looked down to see Aiden's thumb. He swiped the tear and took my hand in his once again. I hadn't noticed that I had let it go until I saw that both my hands were free and shaking. He gently tugged, standing out of his chair and gesturing for me to do the same.

Through my tear filled blurry vision, I saw Caden's questioning glance. Aiden mouthed something to him over my head to which Caden nodded. I felt his chin moving against my head as he held me close and led me down the stairs of the back of the church.

He twirled me around so I was facing him once we got to the last landing. "Jess, it's okay. I know you loved your mother but think of it this way, she's in a better place now. She's watching over you right now and loves you. We didn't know your mother... or our mother, like you did but it's okay to miss her and we'll be here for you."

He didn't get it, didn't understand. I wasn't crying because I missed her. I missed nothing about her pale frail body and alcohol smell. I was crying of guilt. I was crying for my dad. I was crying for everything I had missed.

But to me, this was a new starting point, a new chapter. In four hours, this day was going to be over and I would put all this behind me. I would enjoy my friendships, my accomplishments, and most importantly my family.

To me, this was a new start and the closure I needed from my old one.

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