it's been so long ever since i've updated and for that, i'm ultra-mega-super-duper sorry! i've been really really busy because i'm at my 4th year in college and things had been quite demanding in school, so i rarely had the time to even sleep and write stories. but fear not! for i have miraculously had time!

so haru haru, i am nichu and i have a few confessions to make.

i initially had four endings

the ending would have a flow like this —jiho would never choose between taehyung and jeongguk. jiho, upon regaining consciousness (after the surgery) would really ask her brother jimin to pass the divorce papers in the court. the woman would had enough of making herself look like a complete fool, too wrapped up in the tiring relationship and even if jeongguk was the one who gave her another life, jiho's heart would close for him.

taehyung would know where to put himself, even if it hurts so much, he would choose to let the woman, go. jiho, wanting to learn first how to love herself, she decided that what was best for now was to learn how to love herself before she could give another piece of her heart to another. #loveyourself

happy endings doesn't always mean that the main character must end up with a man beside her but, it can also be their own happy ending - learning to stand up on one's own feet from a wounded heart.

a two part epilogue, said by jeongguk and taehyung.

jeongguk — the scene starts with the picture of a messy home as clothes were scattered on the floor as a couple of soju bottles littered the miserable abode, the sound of static from the tv was echoing inside the room and there, a drunk and weeping man sat in front of the television. basically, this part illustrates how jeongguk recalls where everything in his life with jiho started— the sweet, sweet moments and how it just tragically ended with heartaches and regrets . . . because of him.

taehyung — the scene unfolds to taehyung seeing a resignation letter coming from jiho. eyes wide in shock and heart sinking down, taehyung had wanted to ask the woman the sudden change of plans but the moment his eyes make contact to the other, he understood where she was coming from. as much as it hurts and as much as he doesn't want to let the first girl who treated him like a real human go, he dutifully let her go as he only wanted happiness for her decision.

—i had two options in here.

jeongguk would come just in time to stop jiho from handing over the divorce papers. (this scene portrays to the true finale and not the alternate finale of the story). jeongguk, popping out of nowhere as he ran unto jiho's side, the man would instantly tear the paper into pieces and swoop jiho in her knees as he kiss her lips. memorizing the way how soft jiho's skin were, mapping every inch of it. jeongguk wanted to relive the feeling of being at home - but like dominoes falling down, he would get slapped and jiho would cry once more as she tell him how wrecked and tired she was.

the couple wouldn't divorce and jeongguk would resign but namjoon would terminate lilia (lilia wasn't exactly supposed to be thrown into prison) making jeongguk stay and he wouldn't ever hire any secretaries anymore.

the couple would have to go into counseling because whenever jeongguk would initiate an intimate interaction between the two of them, jiho would freeze and cry as she would remember the way her husband cheated on her. whenever jeongguk would touch her skin, images of how the man became intimate on lilia would appear inside her train of thoughts. hence , the only way to solve their conflict was counseling. it took a good two years before jiho was finally able to freely let herself be close to jeongguk.

the first time they became intimate and made love, jeongguk took his time as he showered jiho his love, giving the woman a promise of loyalty . . . this time with an everlasting and unwavering conviction.

jeongguk would wake up into a horrible dream of seeing jiho slipping away right in front of his eyes but utter relief would crawl in his heart the moment he sees jiho's sleeping figure in the hospital bed. this is the one that happened on the alternate finale, where jeongguk had begged jiho to not end their marriage as he bared his heart and asked for her forgiveness. it was kinda rushed and shitty as fudge and i was really not convinced that it was believable but, i couldn't think of any realistic event to occur just so jeongguk could finally properly tell jiho how sorry he was, how regretful and how pathetic he feels without jiho.

how damn prick he was and how much of a fool he was for ever hurting our beautiful kim jiho (like who could hurt my queen? and i'm certainly not mad to jeongguk's character in this book, certainlynoti mean, cough! sarcasm)

: in the eyes of taehyung, this was a hard part to write. as you can hint off, i had a rough time to think of a proper way to make an alternate epilogue. taehyung's character is hard to hate in this book. he's like one of those second main lead in dramas that deserves the world with how dedicated and loving they are. i decided that taehyung would speak in this epilogue and i did not, certainly cry when i wrote it. (tissues please)

jeongguk would witness the heart-wrenching scene of being late, of being impossibly unable to mend his ruined and wounded marriage. jeongguk would never have the chance to say sorry nor goodbye as taehyung would support jiho and jinyeon on their downfall. as the scene unfold in the eyes of jeongguk, the man's eyes would shed tears like a waterfall. the ex-husband would lost all the willpower to beg for another chance from jiho and jinyeon. the pain of heartbreak and misfortune would settle in and jeongguk would realize what he had let go, what he had taken for granted, what he had carelessly threw away was worth off.

a good 3 months would take before jiho found herself yearning for taehyung and a closure would be made between jiho and jeongguk. for the first time in a long time, jiho would finally realize how much she had treasured taehyung. after the closure, jiho was enlightened that jeongguk was nothing but just a past and nothing else. #taeho would be together and after three years #taeho would marry. another three years would pass and jiho would give birth to twins - both boys.

in the eyes of jeongguk as he watched how jiho remarry. jeongguk tried his best to not tear up as his eyes was fixated on the way jiho and taehyung exchanged vows. this was kinda hard to write, i tried to put myself in jeongguk's character as he tried to act all tough on the outside when everything is just crumbling into pieces. my favorite part in the chapter was this one,

"i thought you weren't coming?" yugyeom's voice would echo in jeongguk's ears and like a deer caught in headlights, the man had no time to compose himself as he faced his ex-bestfriend with tear strained cheeks and bloodshot eyes.

no use of pretending to be tough because he knew that his mask has been torn into two, jeongguk pitifully smiled against the other man. "i thought so, too"

"then why did you?" why did i? he questions himself, clearly caught off guard. why did i?

i- why did i- as if on cue, everything just seemed to collapse right in front of him as realization hit him full force. i was hoping that, i was hoping that . . . that— eyes widening with the spur of his train of thoughts, his eyes beaded with kept tears as he tried so hard to gulp the lump forming in the depths of his throat. i wanted to take her away. i wanted to get on my knees for the last time, wanted to ask for forgiveness, wanted to keep her for myself, wanted to—

dying a thousand times, he couldn't just speak his thoughts into words and instead spoke, "i wanted to see for myself how happy she is right now . . . without me" and she was, she was radiating and blooming like a beautiful flower. the most beautiful flower that i can't ever ever have.

jiho wouldn't be able to get surgery for her lungs and she would be called "she got away" as she had not only slipped away from jeongguk's finger tips but also in everyone who had loved her dearly. super sad and this was the main ending i had in my mind but i realized that it was too unrealistic.

epilogue: in the eyes of jinyeon. the scene unfolds to a rainy day and it was the same day where jiho's remains will be buried secen feet on the ground. this would really make me cry writing this, as this chapter would be written in the eyes of jinyeon. a little excerpt that i had in my mind was this,

it's raining. it's raining in here, mama.

cold, tired and done. the young boy's eyes were void of any emotions as he tried so hard to keep his tears at bay, eyes trailed down as he watched how his mother's body slowly descended on the ground, while they lower the coffin. it seems like the sky is apathetic with me, mama.

tell me, are you happy at heaven now?

i really thought this was going to flop.

i really hated this kind of plot and i never imagined myself writing about infidelity/ cheating, cause its really not my cup of tae. 😅

whenever i encounter a book in wattpad about infidelity/cheating even if the reads and votes were countless, i'd press the back button and leave.

irl infidelity and cheating is messy, hurtful and most of all heart-wrenching. i can't just bear to read something that would end up as the usual and typical endings where the person who cheated gets a second chance. idk and no offense but, i don't really like those endings. it's just heart-wrenching for the guy who deserves it, AKA the second lead male.

it's just . . . idk, i don't like those endings and i guess what drove me to write this book was because i wanted to break stereotypes, where the cheater isn't always forgiven and i wanted to make a story where the cheater would realize what he/she let go, painfully.

i haven't been cheated and i haven't cheated so idrk how tough it is but for me, if ever this happens to me. if ever i was put in the shoes of jiho, i'd let myself go from more pain.

if you're committed to someone, you're not allowed to be intimate with another person that isn't your lover. like kids that don't like to share their favorite toy, why would you share your special affection?

this was really, really hard to write.

every time i start writing for this story, i'd always end up crying myself at the end of writing it. idk why but whenever i write this book, i try to put myself in the character's shoes. i try to feel what jiho felt when jeongguk asked for divorce. i tried to feel the wrath of taehyung, jimin, yugyeom, hoseok and namjoon when they realized how jeongguk cheated to jiho. i tried to visualize myself as the conflicted jeongguk who was caught in the middle.

it was really hard cause i really get attached to the characters emotions and after i write a chapter, i'd cry half of the day HAHAHAHAHA.

— there was supposed to be a second installment of this story but i decided to not to do it.

truth be told, i was planning to make it into a three part book. this book was going to be the first book while the other two was going to be a both sequel. both sequel? how's that possible? like, i made a final ending and an alternate ending, right? initially, i had planned to make sequels in taehyung and jeongguk's finale. i planned to make a separate book for taehyung's ending and one for jeongguk but, i couldn't make any conflict or any source of problem for the books so i decided to just drop it.

FUN FACT! these was supposed to be the initial titles of the proposed sequels;

- jeon jeongguk

in which jeongguk realizes that its futile to hold on into his regrets and what ifs.

in this book, the divorce really came about and taehyung will never marry jiho. the boss would still be showy with his feelings to his secretary, but jiho would close her heart for anyone except to yeon. jiho and jeongguk would go into their separate ways. jeongguk would still be able to see jinyeon because of his rights but never jiho. this book would mainly center first on the hardship of jeongguk without jiho and jinyeon in their—no, his home.

waking up alone, sleeping alone, eating all by himself and living with only his own company. the book would give a gloomy tone and i'd be crying again writing this, if i did write this. occasionaly, there would be POV switch from jeongguk to jiho, but it's only going to be brief.

the two would only be forced to meet when they find out that jinyeon was rushed to the hospital out of nowhere and the contact number from the boy's school prompted the parents and boom they met. the ex-lovers would soon find out that jinyeon was going to be needing blood donor and since jiho wasn't compatible with yeon, jeongguk would donate once more and somehow, little things lead to one another and the ex-couple would find themselves reliving the moments they used to have and . . . wounds would heal.

i can only say that this book would focus on forgiveness, acceptance and reunion of a broken promise.

- kim taehyung

this is quite a little smutty, i think? also . . . mutual pinning? from hate to friends until lovers (this is quite a challenge, too bad idk if i'll write it or nah)

the story continues to the part where taehyung would realize that his feelings to jiho were leading into a dead end. the divorce would never happen and taehyung feels that its futile to hold on to something that's fruitless.

the man's life turns upside down once more as one day he finds himself naked in a stranger's house, and a very naked woman laying beside him. like the typical one night stand dramas in tv, certain circumstances would lead one thing to another as the mystery woman turns out to be his one of his most important partner in the business world and bam! there's going to be a lot of sexual tension and bickering here and there, tooth-rotting fluff when taehyung slowly finds himself attracted to the mystery girl. there's going to be a little turn and twist as taehyung finds himself tied to hip with the mystery woman's fate. (aww, now i think i want to write it)

- i want you to know that you're important.

in writing this book, there's one message i've been dying to reach out and that is - "never take yourself for granted and love yourself"

even if you haven't experienced getting cheated on, or any forms of infidelity, i want you to know that you're important. i have never experienced being cheated on and i cannot imagine how heart-wrenching it would be. this book has tackled a very sensitive topic and i hope i didn't offend anyone while writing this.

trust is such a fragile thing and when it is given to you, you should give extra care of it because once it is broken, the wounds of pain can heal but, the scars it would leave on one's heart wouldn't vanish. yes, one can forgive but the what ifs and hesitations to trust fully would still be there deep deep within.

i wrote the ending in such a way to make people realize that, just because people deserve second chances that doesn't mean every little thing deserves to have one. there are things that can never be mended nor brought back to the way it was, i'm not only pertaining to cheating or infidelity but other pains too, like being neglected or pushed aside as if you're nothing but thin air.

if someone or anyone ever treats you like you're not worth it, fucking hell, you're worth everything good in this world. nobody deserves to be treated and feel like they're not worthy of love.

well that's all my lovelies,

love nick

ps. thank you so much for supporting this book, i'm sending super-ultra and mega tight hugs to each one of you. (T_T) ♥️

😘