Fuck my life.

I guess I just did.

*

"Think about it, James. We would have really tall kids. They would be giants."

"You're drunk, Carter. Cute, but drunk."

*

Soft yellow light poked through my blinds, an unwelcome reminder that it had been two days since Chase blew up my world. I still had no idea what happened. He showed up looking like someone died, broke things off with zero warning, gave me no explanation, and left. Just walked out the door without looking back.

I'd been going in circles ever since trying to figure out what happened, what to do, how to make sense of it. I kept picking up the phone and selecting his contact—either out of sheer habit, or because a surge of resentment would hit me and I wanted answers. Hell, I felt like I deserved answers, far better ones than the half-assed excuses he gave me. But I never followed through on contacting him. Hurt, anger, confusion, pride...A million things held me back.

Besides, he knew where to find me if he wanted to. And he hadn't.

I groaned, pulling the covers over my head. I couldn't even pretend I was trying to get back to sleep because the truth was, I had barely slept in the first place. Maybe 3-4 broken hours each night, punctuated with nightmares and crying fits.

After huddling beneath the cover hiding from the sun—and reality—for another half an hour, I eventually dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. Turned it up almost as hot as it could go, scrubbed the grease out of my hair, and had nice, long cry under the stream of water. Once my throat was hoarse and my skin was wrinkled, I grabbed a towel and dried off, changing into a set of clean pajamas. I wasn't leaving the apartment today, so why bother with real clothes?

At least I was changing into clean pajamas. And at least I was showering. It was an improvement over yesterday and the day before.

Even though I still felt dead inside.

Looked it on the outside, too. All the crying had left my skin blotchy, eyes red and puffy. I had barely eaten in the past 48 hours. Not for lack of trying, but just looking at food turned my stomach, and actually consuming it was even worse.

Everyone was trying to rally around me but somehow, it had the opposite effect of being comforting. I just wanted to be left alone. Siobhan had tried to entice me into eating by making food. Derek kept texting, asking if I was okay. And Zara and Noelle had kindly stepped in and offered to take over my newspaper duties for a while. I felt bad taking them up on it, but I didn't have much choice. I wasn't fit to be out in public, let alone attending games and trying to take notes.

Between the second interview for that internship and going in front of the scholarship adjudication panel, I wasn't sure how I was going to survive the next week.

When I emerged from my bedroom, Siobhan was settled onto the couch watching some true crime documentary. Seemed like an odd choice for 9:30 AM, but I'd learned by now that her media tastes skewed eclectic, to say the least.

Crying for two days straight had taken its toll and even after the hot shower, every muscle in my body ached like I'd run a marathon. I shuffled into the kitchen and grabbed a mug of coffee. Breakfast was probably also a good idea, but held zero appeal at the moment.

Standing behind the counter, I debated whether I should talk to her about what I'd been mulling over. Then I figured I had nothing to lose. I'd already lost the thing that mattered most.

I went into the living room and sank down on the couch next to her. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." Shiv paused Netflix, shifting to face me. Her expression softened, eyes scanning my face. "Are you okay?"

"Not really," I said honestly. A lump formed in my throat and I swallowed, willing it away. "But I have a question. Only if you can keep this between us, though. If you and Dallas don't keep secrets from each other, that's okay, I just won't ask you."

"Ask away. I won't tell him, promise."

I trusted her. I don't know why, but I did. Unlike Amelia or Jillian, who were incapable of keeping secrets from each other or their boyfriends, I believed that Shiv would keep this between the two of us and not spill to Dallas.

"Can you get me Kristen's number? Or another way to get a hold of her, like where I could find her on campus? I need to talk to her."

Something glanced across Shiv's face that I couldn't quite read. "I can probably track her down. Why?"

"This." I unlocked my phone, showing her the picture Luke sent me. Only then did it fully hit me just how strange it was that Luke had this picture in the first place. It didn't make sense. With how quickly everything had happened, I'd been in such deep shock that I hadn't really thought about it until now. Was Luke following Chase? And if so, did that mean Luke was following me, too? My stomach turned at the thought.

Shiv frowned, studying the screen. "That's weird."

"Right?"

I relocked my phone and tried not to look at the lock screen, which was still a picture of me and Chase from the hockey gala. I couldn't bring myself to change it, even though I knew I should. It felt like a thousand papercuts to my heart every time I looked at it. I set my phone aside and took a sip of scalding hot coffee, praying the caffeine would compensate for the lack of sleep and massive crying hangover. Unfortunately, I'd probably need an entire pot to make a dent in my exhaustion.

Siobhan rested her chin in her hand and drew in a breath, hesitating before she spoke. "I don't want to insert myself into the middle of something or cause more problems, but I did see—well, I saw Chase and Kristen having an argument after the last game. When I asked him what happened, he said she wouldn't take no for an answer. Maybe he went over there to tell her to back off."

Another thing I'd been kept in the dark about. Chase hadn't told me about an argument with Kristen. We'd spoken on the phone that night, too, and he'd seemed different—distant. His argument with Kristen coincided perfectly with when he started to behave strangely. It was like a switch flipped. Something must have happened.

But Shiv's explanation didn't make sense, either.

"Why would he go to her place to do that, though? And why wouldn't he just tell me? He couldn't explain why he was there."

The more I thought about it, the less I thought there was any chance Chase had done something with Kristen. With Luke, I'd known. I might have tried to sell myself on his lies, but deep down, part of me had known when Luke had cheated and lied about it. There was this sick, uneasy feeling I always got in my gut. A disloyalty radar of sorts.

I didn't have that feeling about Chase at all. Something was definitely wrong, but I didn't think cheating was it.

Or maybe I was just in denial. It was hard to know at this point; I still hadn't come to terms with things ending between us. It didn't seem real. It couldn't be real. It went against everything I thought I knew.

Shiv hummed. "I don't know." Her gaze fell to her pale pink manicure, then back up at me. "I'm worried about Chase. Especially with the way he broke up with you and peaced out of here. It makes zero sense."

"Glad I'm not the only one who thought that was out of left field." I huffed, taking another sip of coffee.

She bit her bottom lip, blue-green eyes turning serious. "I'm probably breaking all kinds of rules in the girlfriend handbook, but I'm going to tell you this anyway."

"Tell me what?" My heart skittered.

"After the game the other night, I fell asleep early. Some of the guys stayed up playing video games and drinking. When I got up to use the bathroom, Chase and Dal were talking in the hallway. Chase said he needed to meet with Dallas's dad about something urgent."

"Dallas's father? Sorry, I don't follow. Like for lunch or something?"

"Well...He's a lawyer."

I thought I remembered someone mentioning that. I wasn't sure what that had to do with Chase, though. Was he in trouble?

"Why would Chase need a lawyer?"

"I'm not sure," she said. "I was half-asleep. Didn't think much of it at the time and didn't stick around to listen."

"What kind of law does Dallas's dad practice?"

"Litigation. But maybe Chase just needed some kind of general legal advice." She shrugged. "The timing is odd, you have to admit."

I racked my brain, trying to think why Chase might need a lawyer. What kind of trouble could he be in? He hadn't been arrested for anything—as far as I knew, at least. I mean, Luke was still alive, so it wasn't that. Chase wasn't suing anyone or being sued to the best of my knowledge. And he didn't engage in anything too far outside of the law, aside from dabbling in some occasional marijuana use.

Wait, could he have failed a drug test for the team? Or could he have been using performance enhancing drugs somehow without me knowing about it? That last one didn't seem like something he would do, though.

Kristen didn't fit into any of those scenarios unless she was some kind of drug pusher, either.

None of it fit.

Then again, neither did Chase breaking up with me out of the blue when things were fine. Not just fine, they'd been great. My heart tugged, tears pricking my eyes. I inhaled slowly and tried to blink them away.

"So, Dallas didn't mention this to you at all," I clarified.

"No." Siobhan shook her head. "I didn't ask because it was pretty clear I wasn't supposed to hear. They were talking quietly."

"Maybe it's good you didn't ask, because this way Chase doesn't know that I know."

"What are you going to do?"

"Talk to Kristen."

*

"What are the stakes?"

"If I win, you have to watch The Royal Boyfriend."

"And if I win, you have to watch Operation Vengeance."

...ten minutes later.

"Nice, Carter. You beat me for once."

"Sure did."

"Fine. Operation Vengeance it is."

"Nah, we can watch your movie."

"Really? We don't have to."

"I know."

I stared at my Sports Economics textbook blankly. I was trying to review for my exam this week, but every time I started to read, the words turned into a blur and I had to start over. I hadn't gotten past the first sentence in chapter eight.

All I could think of was Bailey. Missing her, wondering if she was okay, hoping she didn't hate me...even though she should.

I just wanted to call her. No, I wanted to go over there and tell her everything.

If I could just get past the next week or two without ruining her entire life, maybe I could find a way out of this chasm I'd dug myself into.

A sharp knock at the door jolted me back to reality. Dallas didn't wait for me to respond before pushing open the door and strolling in like a man on a mission. He sat down on the edge of my bed across from my desk, facing me. I shut my textbook before immediately thinking better of it, flipping it back open to a random section. I needed something else to focus on besides my apparent imminent interrogation.

"What's up, man?" His icy blue eyes bored into me, unmoving. I dropped my gaze, avoiding eye contact by pretending to be fascinated with some random graph on page 256. We hadn't even gotten to that chapter yet in class.

I turned the page of my textbook. "Nothing. Just studying."

"Sure you are." His tone turned gruff. "Now that we've gotten the bullshit out of the way, what's really going on?"

Without looking up, I shrugged. It was difficult to lie to Dallas because he knew me so well, but I didn't want to tell him the truth, either. The fewer people who knew, the better.

Dallas reached over, snatching the textbook out of my hands and slamming it shut. I lifted my chin reluctantly and he gave me a withering look.

"You haven't left the house in three days," he pointed out. "If you don't resurface soon, Miller is going to come over here and drag your ass to practice himself. And at this point, I'll help him."

"I'll go tomorrow," I lied.

"We have a game the day after tomorrow."

"I know." I didn't, actually. Our schedule had been the last thing on my mind. "I'll be ready." Another lie, but I was doing a lot of that lately. After barely eating or sleeping, I was going to be useless on the ice. A liability, in fact.

Dallas rested his elbows on his knees, giving me a stern look that was all too reminiscent of his father. "Are you aware that Shiv has been texting me asking whether you're okay every few hours?"

"She has? Why?"

"Gee, I don't know, Carter. Maybe because we're concerned about the status of your mental health since you dumped Bailey for no apparent reason." He made a "what gives?" gesture.

"Is Bailey okay?"

"What do you think?"

Guilt came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. I was buried so deep at this point, I wasn't sure I'd ever get out. I was never going to forgive myself for how this went down.

Dallas's voice took on a more gentle tone. "Does this have to do with why you went to see my dad?"

I paused, but I knew he wasn't going to let this go. "Yeah."

"Why won't you talk to me?" He said. "You know you can. I'm not going to tell anyone. Not even Shiv."

"Because I fucked up, Ward."

*

"You know I'm going to ask you to marry me one day, right?"

"You are?"

"Count on it. Are you going to say yes?"

"Of course."

Wonder what's going to happen if Bailey starts digging?

Thanks for reading. Don't forget to vote and comment - unless you're too mad at me, lol.