It's her eighth birthday. She's so big. I don't know what happened to my baby girl.

Maddie is officially eight, and it hits me when I'm placing the candles on her birthday cake wiping my tears away. I can't believe it's been eight years since I had her, and I can't believe that it's been five years since she's seen her dad and me together. And I hate that for her because she's amazing and I love her with my whole heart and she deserves to have a real family.

So today's not only big for her, it's big for me too. I'm sick of still legally being married to her father when we can't look at each other or stand in the same room. We haven't really spoken since the day I broke down dealing with my depression and he left.

He never understood what happened to me and neither did I. I felt broken and I didn't know why and to this day I still don't know why. I broke down that day, and I broke down every day for a year after that. Until it was every other day for a year, then once a week.

And Jax never came back, he never did. I thought he would come back home and tell me how sorry he was but he didn't do that. He gave me his home to raise the kids in, then he moved into a smaller townhouse in the city. But he never came back and that broke me too.

So now, I'm finally ready to move on. I'm sick of being sad, I've got beautiful children and I don't regret them at all but I'm so sick of feeling like a shell of Rylee. That's why today's a big day, I've contacted a lawyer and I officially have divorce papers for Jax to sign. I've finally got the guts to take off my wedding ring and band, leaving them with the papers. Jax and I never took off our wedding bands, I guess it was the only way we still were connected. But now I don't need to be connected to him anymore not with anything besides our kids.

I hear Maddie's little feet along with Lance as I turn in the kitchen and see them running in. Lance tackles my thin legs as I laugh and kiss his head. I lost thirty pounds after Jax left me, and now I've lost ten more, I weigh less than I did when I was in college. I'm bones, and it's because I was depressed for years, but I'm not anymore.

Or at least I think so, I just take anxiety medication like candy.

Lance laughs as I rub his back. Lance is the best little guy ever and he's so much like me, but when he comes back from seeing Jax I see more of his dad in him every day. The same even goes for my five-year-old, Kurt Jaxton after his dad. But Kurt is Jax, all Jax. Even at five, he's a splitting image of his dad, and his little giggle is something that I know Jax used to sound like.

"What are you doing?" I ask bending down to his height. I push his brown hair back as he holds my ripped jean-covered knee. "Mama when's daddy coming?" he asks as I smile at him.

"I think a little later. Baseball or Football today?" I ask as he nods at both. He loves baseball and football and he loves playing it with Jax. And being there for our kids is something Jax and I never compromised on, we both just knew we weren't going to be shit parents.

"Why don't you go play upstairs while I get everything ready for Maddie's party? All her friends will be here soon" I tell him as he nods. He whispers back in my ear, "Can I have a cookie?" as I laugh and nod. I pull one of the bakery cookies out of the container and hand it to him in a napkin before he runs off leaving Maddie with me. I stand back up opening my arms as I hug her.

"How's it feel being eight?" I ask rubbing her brown hair as she smiles. I used to think she was marked by Jax and I still do, but now, I think she's more like me, or how I used to be before I got hurt. She's with me most of the time and she really is a mini version of me. Sure, she's still a daddy's girl but she loves me too.

"I'm getting so old mama!" she tells me as I grin. She has no idea.

"Nope! Still my little girl! Are you excited for your party? It's all themed and guess what I did?" I ask as her face lights up.

"Pony's might show up" I whisper as she smiles widely and hugs me. She loves pony's and I can't wait to see her face when she gets to ride one. After being promoted as a head nurse I can afford it now. Not that Jax doesn't help because he does. We spilt everything evenly and that will never change. We're both parents, we both had sex and made children and it's both of our responsibilities.

"YES MAMA!" She squeals as she hugs my legs and I rub her back. I'm in the process of kissing her soft straight brown hair when the backdoor opens and in walks Jax.

The fact that I'm still living in what was supposed to be our home, it hurts. Because he still has a key, and he still comes and goes when he pleases. That's changing today though.

He looks me up and down before looking at Maddie. "How's my birthday girl?" He asks as she immediately loses her grip on me and runs over to Jax clutching onto his black tee. Something else about Jax is that he's physically never changed. He still looks like he did the day I met him, hot as fuck.

"So good daddy." She tells him as he kisses her head and lifts her into his arms. I back away quietly and turn fixing the food again for her party in a few hours as I occupy myself. I still can't look at that man and be okay.

I don't know why, but today that's ending.

"Maddie why don't you run upstairs and change into your dress? Daddy and I have to talk for a minute." I tell her holding my composure with my hands over my arms. I wrap them around my body to protect myself when I turn and see what's about to be my ex-husband let her go. She runs off and leaves us to talk before Jax looks at me.

"Where's your wedding ring?" He immediately asks staring at me before I have the chance to speak. I don't answer him, because I'm still mad at him for what he did. I can't find it in me to forgive him for what happened with us.

I pull the divorce papers across the countertop and slip them over to him. He's standing at the barstools when I place my wedding band on top of it and he stares down at the papers.

"I'm ready to get a divorce. We haven't been together in years so it's over, I'll move out of this house and give it back, I've saved up enough to get something else for me and the kids to stay in. I want you to sign this so I can move on." I tell him as he holds the paper in his hands.

It took five years to get to this point. For me to even speak to him it took five years.

"No." He tells me folding his arms across his chest as I glare at him. "Fine. I'll sign your name." I spit out taking the pen away and proceeding to sign his name. He rips the pen from my hand and throws it across the kitchen as he looks down at me and glares.

"I'm not signing it." He tells me as I look back at him. Today's about Maddie not this, and I feel like I'm making a huge mess already.

"We'll talk about this after Maddie's party. But you know that you left me, and I deserve to be happy. You took what was supposed to be the best years of my life and messed them up. I want to be happy, let me be happy." I whisper to him as I look up into his bright blue eyes that I fell so hard for.

"Answer me this." He tells me placing his hand on the countertop with his wedding band still on it.

"Do you think that I've gave up on this?" He asks as I nod. I know he has because I have.

"I haven't. Rylee we were kids and we didn't know what we were supposed to be doing. Mostly me, and I'm sorry. But I can't sign this because somewhere deep inside of me I know that you're the person I was meant to have my life with. You had to feel the same way when you married me." He tells me as I hold my composure.

"But see that's the thing. I felt the same way, and I don't anymore. Because the guy I married wouldn't have left me, and you did. You left me alone and pregnant with two children without giving a flying fuck about me emotionally. You know-, what the fuck am I doing? This is Maddie's day and I'm not having this discussion with you right now. Sign the damn paper." I spit out to him before cutting off the stove and walking off to the stairs. I walk up them before finding Kurt playing with his toy trucks, so I grab him into my arms hugging him and kiss his head before telling Lance that Jax is here and finding Maddie in her beautiful little dress.

When I've cooled off enough to walk back downstairs my parents have gotten here along with other parents and their daughters. Jax is outside playing with Lance when I go into the kitchen and see my mom. She immediately hugs me and kisses my head before taking Kurt from running around and kissing his head as well.

"How's grandmas boy?" She asks as he giggles making her smile. He's grown so big for five years old, already.

"Good gam! I'm going outside to play with daddy and grandpa!" He tells her as she smiles and lets him go running out the backdoor to see Jax. Jax immediately starts smiling and takes him into his arms as he throws him in the air.

"So divorce?" My mom asks as she sees the papers on the counter and I immediately pull them away and tuck them in the junk drawer under the cabinets.

"Yes. Maybe. I want to." I tell her as she nods. She knows about everything and I can't say she didn't tell me that she didn't like Jax for a reason. But the old Jax, he was amazing, before life chewed and spit him out.

"Well.." she trails off when I stop her. "Don't say I told you so because he used to be different mom." I tell her as she rolls her eyes.

"I'm just surprised he's not cheated yet. Probably already has." She spits out as I contain my anger. Even though Jax and I are married we aren't together and what he does, even though he's still technically my husband, doesn't bother me anymore.

"He can do what he wants. I don't care anymore." I tell her as she sighs and shakes her head.

"You haven't seen him in years mom. Maybe don't hold a grudge because today's for Maddie. Not Jax, not me, not you. Maddie. And if she's happy and wanted her dad here, I'm not taking that away." I tell her as she nods.

"Fine but I want my daughter happy and I really think you should start seeing yourself that way again, maybe with someone else." She spits out walking off to Maddie who's hanging out with her friends. I smile when she's bouncing around outside on the bounce house with her girls and I'm so happy I got one for her. Then the princesses show up and she's in love.

And her day starts off amazing, for now.