The next morning I wake up not knowing anything about my emotions. I cried myself to sleep last night and the first thing I woke up to this morning was a text from Evan wishing me a good day and he hopes to see me.

But I can't lead him on when I don't feel the spark with him that I thought I didn't have with Jax anymore, but I do. Sex with Jax yesterday, it made me realize that I still love him and he's still the only man that I've ever really loved that way and it hurts me to know that I can't move on from him.

I knew he was the love of my life when I married him, and it hasn't changed. He's still that, and I hate that he's still that. I wish I could give Evan what I want, but I can't. He's so sweet, and he'd be perfect, easy to love, but he's not Jax. He's not the dad to my kids, he's not the man I married, and I hate that I'm still a lovesick puppy over how much Jax means to me.

Slipping out of the covers that still smell like Jax, I go take a shower before Kurt wakes up yelling for me. I change into my scrubs before making the kids cereal bowls and waking them up. They change and get ready for school as I keep myself together long enough for them to make it to school before I wave them off going to work.

When I get to work the first thing I do is get to my office and sit down. I'm still sore, my vagina is so sore, I forgot what it was like having sex with Jax and I know why I kept coming back for more each time. It's because I loved this feeling, and I still don't mind how I'm reminded of him every time I move my legs.

I'm scared out of my seat when my phone rings drawing my attention. When I look at the caller ID I know exactly who it is and I wish I didn't. "Evan, Hi" I answer immediately.

"Hi, I missed you yesterday, everything okay with the kids?" he asks as I sigh lying my ass off. "Yeah, never better. Just dandy" I lie palming my forehead.

"Right, so umm, can I take you to lunch today?" he asks as I sigh. "Listen, Evan. I really like you, and I think you are amazing, but I can't do that. I just don't think right now is the right time for a relationship. Not with everything going on with both our lives individually" I spit out as his line of the phone goes silent.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" he asks. "Yeah, I like you a lot Evan, please don't get mad and I'm sorry if you feel like I've lead you on but, emotionally, I'm just going through a lot right now. I'm sorry." I whisper out.

"That's alright. I'll see you soon, Izzy still wants that playdate this weekend" he tells me as I smile. "Great, bring her around five friday night and I'll make cupcakes" I tell him as he laughs.

"Thank you so much. For everything, I needed someone to talk to and I really appreciate you." I tell him. "No problem, I'll be here when you're ready RJ." he tells me hanging up as I nod. I slip the phone from my ear with a heavy hand as I place it down.

That man would have been so perfect, and so easy to love, I know he would have given me the world on a gigantic silver platter. But, he's not Jax, and I'm so fucked up in the head that Jax is it, he's all of it.

And I don't know what to do anymore.

___

I roll over reaching for Ry when I shoot up feeling the empty bed beside me. Rubbing my eyes I look over and see a small indent onto her pillow with the sheet thrown across my lower legs and nothing else. Not my wife, her scent, or her clothes.

I lean back onto the headboard as I look over the room. I haven't been back in here in years and it hurts looking at it, our wedding pictures aren't above the bed anymore, and our random photos from our engagement aren't on the dresser. There's nothing but a random flower vase with fake white flowers in it.

I rub my hand through my hair before slipping out of the sheets and finding my boxers and shorts on the floor. I slip them on with my tank top walking to the bathroom to look for Rylee but I don't find her. She never does this, she's never done it. She's a cuddler, she never leaves after sex, I don't think she'd do it.

But I know she's probably not okay with what happened, or how many times it happened. But fuck if I didn't miss her that much. I love that woman with everything in me, which is why I've never been able to look at anyone besides her. I'd physically make myself sick if I touched another woman, and it's because Ry is my soulmate.

I can't tell her what I was going through when she was. Everything I told her was right, I just didn't tell her the part about me going through a very early midlife crisis, and thinking I made a mistake going into a marriage way too fast. But in my head I wasn't okay, mentally I wasn't. I think that's why I resented our kids for the longest time, I had Ry, and she was enough, I didn't want a kid. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm so happy we did.

Because in a fucked up way, she's tied to me. And she's not going anywhere. I was messed up, almost suicidal, and I really considered walking away a lot before I did and it wasn't because of her, she's perfect, it was because I wasn't okay.

I walk into the kitchen and look for her coming up short before I yell her name though the house. With no response.

Fuck, she's gone. But looking at the clock on the stove it's time for the kids to get out of school which means she probably left to pick them up. I can't be mad about that. But I can help her out while I'm here since I'm not going to work the rest of the day.

I start cleaning up the toys and clothes that I know she was trying to contain when I got here. Having three kids messes up everything you thought you needed or wanted. For me that meant having kittens and a full grown mom cat at my house to keep Lance occupied, playing dress up with Maddie and letting her paint my nails, and throwing the football and baseballs with Kurt. Which means the place I live looks a lot like this, but messier since I don't find the time to clean.

Ry's exhausted though, you can look at her and see how overwhelmed she is. And I made that harder, something I'm trying my damn best to fix. I start a load of laundry and smile when I see Rylee's red thongs before cleaning the stains out of Kurt's pants and throwing them in. I fold the load in there, taking them upstairs and clean up the kids rooms while I'm there. I make my way back downstairs and look at the clock before my anxiousness takes over and I call Rylee.

She doesn't answer, not that I'm surprised. She's probably upset or either is in her own head. But I'm not, I haven't had sex in years, not since her, and I fucking loved eating her out while she moaned my name, and fucking her until she couldn't breathe.

Just like we used to.

I hear the car doors slam when the backdoor opens and in walks my family. I instantly squat to the kids height and take them into my arms hugging them.

I'm squatting down talking to Lance as when I look up at Rylee and wink. She looks upset though, and my mood shifts instantly. "Why don't y'all start on homework while mom and I start dinner? And go wash your hands," I tell Maddie and Lance as they nod.

I walk over to Rylee holding Kurt's bag. He's five, but he's not nearly as big as Lance was at his age, meaning he's Rylee's baby boy and she's attached to him. I take his bag and hug before kissing his head and asking him about his day. He quietly and quickly rattles off about play time before I laugh and ruffle his hair as he runs off.

"Can we talk?" I ask walking back into the kitchen to Rylee as she softly nods. I walk to the pantry with my back towards the kids so they can't hear us. "I had to go get the kids" she tells me immediately as I nod. I knew that was coming. But looking at her face I know she's been upset.

"I know. But you've been crying, recently" I tell her as she stills. I go to grab her hip to keep her from running when she moves away.

"Ry" I whispers she shakes her head no. She doesn't want to talk about it, and I hate that. "I still don't forgive you. This doesn't change anything" she tells me as I instantly lock my jaw and shake my head yes.

"Yes it does. Ry, we aren't getting a divorce. Ry, I still love you." I tell her as her face pales. "Please don't start" she tries to tell me when I grab her jaw in my hand to keep her quiet.

"We will talk about this later. But let me just tell you this. I know you loved fucking me, riding my tongue, my face, my dick, my waist just like you used to. We both know this means more than sex, I love you." I tell her rubbing her hip and jaw as her face softens. I know I shouldn't push it, so I walk off to find the kids as she stands there holding box mac and cheese in her hands.

____

Rylee doesn't talk through dinner. Not to me about anything, only to the kids about their days. And when Maddie asks her about why she was upset earlier, she doesn't answer it, she lies.

So by the time I've put the kids to bed and see Rylee washing dishes at the sink I know it's time to make my move. I move behind her at the sink and place my hands on both sides changing her in. I used to do this all the time while she washed dishes. I'd stand behind her kissing her neck while she asked me to leave her alone while laughing, and then I'd get hard and start grinding into her back just to turn her on. I'd mutter "laundry room" in her ear and she'd immediately nod after seeing Maddie on the couch watching television. Then, we'd have a quickie in the laundry room, come out, and act like nothing happened, except for when I'd wink at her or smack her ass every time she'd walk past me.

Those were the days I miss.

"Wanna talk about it now?" I ask into her neck as she shakes her head no and I smell her vanilla scented hair. "Nope. We had sex, that's it" she tells me ignoring me while washing the dishes.

"I have to work tomorrow morning so I think it's best if you left." She spits out glaring at me through the window in front of the sink. I look into it and meet her eyes as she looks away. I pull away leaving her alone as I cross my arms behind her.

"Ry" I whisper when she turns wiping her hands. She goes to walk away but I stop her.

"I can't get hurt by you again." She blankly tells me. "We had sex, and I'm sorry I made a mistake. I wasn't thinking clearly and you said everything I wanted to hear but I can't do this." She tells me as I instantly ask her into the cabinet corner.

"Look at me." I whisper grabbing her hips and staring into the most perfect pair of eyes in the world. "I don't regret it. I wish we would have had that these past few years. Ry, I promise you, if you give me the chance, I promise I'll never hurt you again. I know you have to work and so do I, I love you and I'll see you tomorrow." I tell her seeing her relief as I lean down and kiss her. I know I shock her when she stares back at me with doe eyes.

So I leave her alone as I grab my keys and disappear out of the house. Hopefully meaning that I might possibly get my girl back.