Throughout the first month of postpartum, Graycen spent her nights in the nursery room. Sometimes when Taehyung would accompany her in there, he'd fall asleep on the rocking chair. No matter how many times Graycen would scold him to not, he still would. Taehyung spent more time at home than he would before Elise was born.

If he needed to work, Taehyung would work from home. It was hard for him to get Graycen to rest, it was like pulling teeth with her. The truth was that Graycen was irresponsible with herself, but not with taking care of Elise. Taehyung constantly had to remind her that she wasn't alone in everything. That he could help and it was still like nothing changed.

One night, Taehyung had enough though. Graycen spent all day in the nursery room only leaving if she needed to use the bathroom. It was nighttime and Elise was sleeping, so Taehyung asked Graycen to have a talk with him.

"Can we talk in here?" Graycen questioned. "Just to watch Elise."

Taehyung sighed, "Fine if you want to."

"So, what do you want to talk to me about?"

Taehyung took a second to speak, speaking cautiously so he wouldn't upset her, "I'm concerned for you, Graycen. Did you eat at all today?"

Graycen couldn't look at him, feeling a bit attacked at his sharp question. "I'm fine."

"That's not what I asked you, Graycen. I asked you if you ate at all today."

"Taehyung-"

"No," he interrupted her, not wanting to hear any excuses, "I've been lenient for weeks with you, Graycen. You're not taking care of yourself, why?"

Taehyung watched as Graycen took a step back, finding offense in what he said, "I have a daughter, Taehyung. I don't matter right now."

"You sound ridiculous and you know it," Taehyung grimaced with his arms crossed against his chest, "I have a daughter and you know what? I still eat, I still take time to take care of myself, and I still rest. I tell you every week that you're not alone in all this. Elise has two parents and I work from home to help you, you know that."

"So now I'm not a great parent," Graycen sighed as she slumped her shoulders, "I'm being the best mother I can be! You work and that's stressful enough for you-"

"- this has nothing to do with me and I didn't say you weren't a great parent," Taehyung tiredly said, "stop trying to turn this situation. So what if I work? I'm still capable of taking care of Elise. You're capable of everything except taking care of yourself, that's not healthy and it doesn't make you a perfect mother."

Graycen flinched at that and only after Taehyung said his words did he realize the damage. "Wow Taehyung, I don't even know what I'm doing. I don't want to fight." What he didn't expect was for Graycen to cry. It wasn't her usual sobbing, but it was just as heartbreaking to see. He didn't know what was going on. "I don't want to eat and I don't want to rest. I don't want you to look down on me anymore. I don't want to blame myself for my miscarriage anymore, yet I do. I don't know who I am and I only get an hour of sleep.

You make it sound like I can help this and I don't know how to." Graycen shook her head in shame and she pouted. "It's sad that when the little time I have to rest I am constantly on alert to attend to Elise. I don't work and I feel empty, it's hard."

Taehyung was tired and he wasn't tired of Graycen, something was off with her. He was tired of not knowing what to do to help her. "You mentioned therapy to me, I think you should go." Graycen looked up for a second. "This is more than feeling stressed about being a new mother. You're progressively getting worse and I hate seeing you like this. This is going to get you hurt, Graycen and you know that."

"Yeah..."

Taehyung closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "I'm going to cook something for you and you will eat it. Graycen, I don't care if you take three bites."

"Taehyung, I'm really not hungry."

"Do this for me and if not for me, for Elise." Taehyung grabbed both of her hands. "I've been on top of you this whole month for the postpartum diet because you were "too tired" to eat. Try a bit harder until we find out what's wrong with you."

"Okay." Taehyung had never heard Graycen ever sound so dull and cold.

-

-

Taehyung found Graycen a psychiatrist two weeks after the talk with her. He noticed Graycen trying to take care of herself a bit more, but it still wasn't enough. One day he had to take Elise out of Graycen's arms because Graycen randomly started to cry while holding her. Elise was hungry and started to cry and Graycen freaked out. It was the loudest cry that they heard from Elise.

Taehyung immediately heard Elise crying and went to the nursery.

Graycen started to breastfeed her and then she randomly started to cry. Taehyung was alarmed and he waited until Graycen finished breastfeeding to take Elise away from her. That was when he felt in his soul something was off. Graycen started to beat herself up for this and taking it personally.

Taehyung couldn't wait until Graycen was back to herself. Graycen hasn't been herself in so long though, that Taehyung started to forget who she truly was. He was tired of living and being around a caricature of her past self.

-

-

"Hello, you must be Graycen and Taehyung Kim? It's nice meeting you both." The psychiatrist smiled. "My name is Dr. Hansen."

Graycen smiled although it was fake while Taehyung was holding Elise in his arms. "Nice to meet you too, sir. Thank you for meeting with us today." Taehyung matched Dr. Hansen's enthusiastic energy.

"So, it states in the email that I'm only going to be assisting Graycen," Dr. Hansen said as he checked his clipboard, "you're only accompanying, right?" He asked Taehyung who confirmed everything. "Okay, I'm going to only take Graycen so we can find out what the issue is."

Graycen kissed Elise's little hand that was closing in on Taehyung's hand before she followed Dr. Hansen. The walls were all white and the hallways were very spacious. It was similar to the hospital which made Graycen uneasy. She spent too much of her time at the damn hospital.

"Okay try to relax, Graycen." Dr. Hansen told her as they entered his room. "You can take a seat right by my desk so we can get started. Today is going to be a day where I just ask you questions."

Graycen sat down on the seat and watched as he sat down as well behind the desk. He reached for a red pen and a notepad that seemed to be new. "Okay so to my understanding, you're married?"

"Uh, it's complicated." Graycen had a headache just thinking about it. "We signed to get a divorce and we didn't even know until I gave birth that it was overturned."

Dr. Hansen hummed at that, "So, you're married, but separated?"

"Yeah."

"Are you guys planning on repealing the divorce? Usually, when that happens you have to set up a court date."

Graycen felt her stomach twist at that, she just didn't want to worry about that now. "We're more worried about our baby. I don't think our mind is on that right about now."

Dr. Hansen nodded and started to ask more general questions like childhood, name, and then about her mood. Graycen told him all about her mood on how she wasn't really popular as a child, about how her parents were divorced then got back married, and then discussed how she was feeling.

"I feel powerless," Graycen said dully, "I feel like everything that I'm doing isn't right. I don't know how to describe it's just-" Graycen wiped at her face. "I'm constantly confused and exhausted with my mood swings, it affects my life. I could feel unjust anger for no reason and it causes me to snap. I blackout at times when I do and find myself unknowing of what I did."

Graycen paused to breathe to compose herself. "I feel inadequate as a mom and I doubt my ability to support and nurture my baby. I never think of abandoning her of course, it's just overwhelming. So I dedicate literally all my times with her and Taehyung would try to get me to relax. I feel like a horrible mom if she's out of my sight for even a second."

Dr. Hansen nodded as he wrote things down, "Do you ever have crying spells? Like how often do you cry?"

"Everyday, I sometimes wake up to cry. Like I don't get a lot of sleep, but I've been trying all this week." Graycen recalled as she looked at the psychiatrist. "It even makes me more upset when I don't know why I'm crying."

"Any problems with concentration or memory?"

Graycen found herself confused at the question at first, having to ask him to elaborate more, "Uh, I'm good at remembering things. Sometimes, my memories get the best of me. I do have trouble concentrating on things that aren't related to my baby, Elise. It's to the point where I lose the urge to eat even if I'm hungry. I even have to force myself to talk to people, even if I know deep down I want to."

Dr. Hansen kept writing more, nodding as he was soaking everything in, "Okay, this next question isn't really important. It could still help if I knew though, have you maintained a healthy sex schedule? Do you have a libido?"

"No," Graycen answered truthfully. "The last time I had sex was with Taehyung which conceived, Elise."

Dr. Hansen finished writing everything down before looking at her, "Okay, so I'm going to put together a list of tests you need to take. When I say tests I mean various things and I know your insurance company covers 60% of all costs, right?"

"Yes."

"So, I'm going to put you down for the most necessary tests only. Maybe down for like two others that aren't necessary, but to be safe." Dr. Hansen informed. "How long have you been feeling this way honestly?"

Graycen found herself scoffing at her answer, "I've been feeling this way since I miscarried. I mean it wasn't as bad as this. I just know that the first two months after I lost Drew, my baby, I spiraled. I left the country to stay with an old friend, Angelica. I was sad, but I was eating. I mostly spent my time locked in the room, I thought that Australia would be where I can get myself together."

"So, I'm guessing it didn't?"

Graycen laughed humorlessly at that, a couple of tears falling as she did, "It actually made me feel a bit worst, but the home was still terrible. I had images of me having Drew all the time with Taehyung, all of us, happy."

"How is that bad?" Dr. Hansen was curious, having a bewildered expression on his face. "Don't you want that?"

"I wanted it so bad which is why it hurt because it wasn't real. I also know that having images of expectations and dreams are dangerous," Graycen breathed to contain her voice from cracking, although it didn't work, "there were various images. I'd have nightmares that we'd be happy one day and then Drew would die. Or I had images that Taehyung died as well, weird. Then, there was a reality. I couldn't stop having the memory of the night I lost him. It was haunting me that every time I looked at Taehyung I was looking at a lifeless Drew."

"How'd you lose Drew? If you don't mind me asking."

Graycen felt her body get weak. She never told anyone the story of how it actually happened. Taehyung knew of course, but they never spoke about it ever.

"They ruled it as an environmental hazard that was a cause," Graycen blinked away her tears, "there was a storm and-" Dr. Hansen slid over a box of tissues, but Graycen couldn't find herself getting a tissue. "I was at work by myself and I was so thirsty and hungry. It was a bad thunderstorm and there was nothing to drink and I- I don't know. I'm so stupid, I could've waited for the storm to stop. I'm an idiot and I just-.

I had a sink and I drunk water from the sink and I didn't even- I didn't even know I wasn't supposed to drink water during a storm. I've always drunk water while it was storming. Even if it wasn't from a sink and I just-I drunk some water and that was that. The storm lasted two hours and I just remember driving home. I felt nothing wrong and I went to two weeks feeling weird."

Graycen's body trembling caused her to abruptly stop talking. Dr. Hansen gave her a moment to get herself together before she continued. "I felt no heartbeat and no kick. I told my doctor and she told me that it's okay, but I still felt weird. I didn't feel like my baby was dead, but I still wanted to be sure. I was also bitter because I really wanted to feel that, ya know?" Graycen wiped at her face because the wetness from her tears was making her agitated. "So, we set an appointment the week after I told her and then they did the ultrasound. There was nothing and she kept insisting that it was okay.

She insisted that everything was okay and that it could've been the machine. We tried the second machine and the same thing, Drew wasn't showing up. They told me that there was a good chance that he was dead. I begged them to not say that and for them to try a third machine. I begged them, I said no. I still feel like he's there, I don't feel like he's gone. T-they tried again and he was gone. Back then, I wasn't really an angry person. I rarely got angry, but that night- that night I was angry. I was angry at myself and I was angry at God.

I didn't believe there was a God that night because the pain I felt was unbearable. Not only physically but mentally and emotionally. I wasn't there- if I didn't drink that water, he would be here. If I didn't drink that water Taehyung and I would be happy with Drew. We would've been a happy family and if I didn't drink that water I wouldn't be a murderer."

The room fell silent and Dr. Hansen thought that Graycen was done, but no. Graycen kept talking, she finally felt light. Although, there was still a dull pain in her mind. "I wanted to steal him even if there was no life. They made me hold him for like a good hour because I begged and sobbed. Taehyung didn't know what to do, he was stuck. I was seriously going to put him in my purse. They gave me a baby box with a little hat and clothes. I stopped crying then and I remember trying to dress him and they said no. He- he was too weak for that and I just held him. I talked to him and I rocked him. I think it was hard because I had to push him out so, in my head, I forced myself to pretend that I was giving labor to a healthy baby.

Taehyung didn't process everything until they took his body again. He didn't say anything, he just stared at him. When they did the autopsy, they said it was an environmental hazard and they didn't know what it was. Only said it was from a chemical and they didn't know if it was inhaled or ingested. I didn't tell them I drunk the water because I was ashamed.

I- I'm so stupid. I kept that to myself only so I didn't look bad, that was selfish. It eats me up every time because Taehyung deserves to know. He deserves closure to know what really happened, but I know if I tell him. He'll hate me even more, he'll call me a murderer."

Dr. Hansen seemingly looked empathetic, "Graycen, you can't possibly know that-"

"- I do!" Graycen snapped then sighed. "I hear voices in my head that call me a murderer every time and I hear it in his voice sometimes, too. I even have images of him, hating me after I tell him. I just- I did research when they discharged me about what happened. They said it was more than likely mercury and it's crazy because I was very cautious of mercury. I avoided fish and everything with chemicals. I- I didn't know tap water had mercury and nobody told me- but- I was only thirsty. I shouldn't have been so- so selfish. I'm so fucking selfish and I just-"

Dr. Hansen stopped her, "Enough. Graycen, please. Stop, that's enough, okay?" Graycen only nodded, feeling too tired to cry or even speak. There was a tightness in her throat and she only played with the loose shirt she was wearing. "We're going to help you, Graycen. I promise and guarantee you that."

-

-

Graycen was diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety disorder, three weeks later. Graycen had to do blood work and brain scans to see. Dr. Hansen wanted to see if it was anything medically wrong, but there was nothing. Graycen was told that her erratic behavior since the miscarriage was caused because of severe anxiety attacks. Also stating that it could've been really intense so she was untreated for so long.

"There's a good chance that you can be treated," Dr. Hansen said as he was describing the brain scan to her, "you just have to, I mean seriously follow the treatment routine."

Graycen wordlessly nodded and Taehyung sighed as he held Elise properly in his arms. "It's going to be okay, Graycen. I'm always going to be there for you." Graycen felt herself smile at that, keeping her eyes straight on the brain scan though.