NOTE:

Everything was so silent. Even the passing winds whispered condolences as they passed through the void house. Not a sound could be heard, except the flipping of papers. Toru had found an old sketchbook after he returned home. One that Taka left behind. As he straightened the old book, a letter fell from it. On the envelope, the guitarist could read, 'To my dear Toru'

The broken man bent slowly, taking the letter into his lap. His fingers shook slightly, cautiously opened the forgotten letter. He put the sketchbook to his side. He was aimlessly looking into it, trying to cling to the last string connecting him to his soulmate. His eyes burned like raging fires on the hottest summer day, while his throat crumbled as if it was thrown under the cruel heat of the desert. Toru's hand slowly mounted to his lips as he started reading.

To my dear beloved,

If, when you find this letter, there is someone beside you looking on with a worried face....

Can you please stop reading it?

Toru gulped. He felt his heart tighten unbearably as he traced the letters on the paper. Taka's handwriting stirred some emotion in him he didn't know he had. His fingers gently glided over the dried ink. It was probably the last thing Taka wrote before he left to another world. It was obvious that he was quivering while writing it.

To you dear, who will greet tomorrow, am I still causing you to suffer? Are you standing still?

Toru closed the paper, a few tears fell to his trembling palms. He shut his lids tightly, his brain replaying the last time he got to speak to his lover. It was over a phone call. He leaned his head back, the memories too heavy for him to hold them on his own. Taka sounded exhausted and so feeble. He also seemed terrified. Even his laugh that was once so carefree glitched painfully.

"I miss you so much" Taka had said from his hospital bed back then. "When will you visit me? Were you crying again like last time?" Taka giggled, a hollow and tired sound came out.

Toru shuddered intensely, he was trying his best not to scream. The blonde opened the tattered paper again.

Your clumsy but kind lies always kept my spirits up. I wanted to stay with you longer.

Toru's breath hitched, he then coughed violently. Wiping his tears violently, he imagined scenes from when Taka was too weak to walk so he used a wheelchair. Even then, Taka was still smiling. He warmly stretched his hand to hold Toru's, often looked back and smiled silently, his pearly teeth glistened with the sun. It sometimes gave Toru hope, built illusions that everything was going to be fine. But it was all false.

Yamashita glanced at the sketchbook by his side, then back to the letter from his dearest.

Even if you are so too sad to see now, darling, don't look back anymore.

Love of mine, somehow, could you smile for me now?

This is forever love.

Toru glanced around the house. The house now awfully empty without Takahiro. He recalled the time before the inevitable happened. Back then, Taka was his very own bundle of sunshine. "Toruuuu!" The petite figure would scream as he ran towards his boyfriend with the most radiant smile. This smile, now, is burried underground. He won't see it again. It forever disappeared. The same way time never comes back after disolving. Toru has now tasted the bitter flavour of loss.

To you dear, who is living in the present...

Meeting you was everything to me.

I was too happy...

"I was happier Taka, you were more than everything to me" Toru whispered. The latter squeezed the paper to his face, maybe the attempt gave him a fake whiff of his beloved. Even if he could hug him in his last days, all he could smell on him was antiseptics instead of his warm scent. As if the doctors have slowly decided to wipe the traces of his existence.

But I am only a fragment of the life you will carve out from now on. So, even if you are too sad to see now, darling, don't look back anymore.

Love of mine, somehow, don't fear falling in love.

"This is forever love" Toru muttered as his tears ran free down his features. He heaved the heaviest breath he's taken since Taka passed away. It felt that the little man has taken his oxygen with him. Toru sobbed, his voice echoed in the ever so silent household. He couldn't hold back anymore. He gagged, almost threw all of his guts up as if his immune system refused his overwhelming agony.

Even if I become dust and vanish into the sky, embraced by the cold wind, I will never forget your smile or your endless kindness.

Toru wept so hard that he couldn't see anymore. Never in his life has he imagined himself falling apart that hard. He didn't even care if it were shameful or pathetic. He missed his soulmate.

As he rocked himself back and forth comfortingly, Yamashita Toru remembered that one picnic. Taka was running around the grass, laughing like a child. He then jumped on Toru and kissed him tenderly. Later that day, the vocalist fell asleep on his lover's lap. Toru's memory faded into the day he almost choked the doctor who diagnosed Taka. The former was so shocked that he lost it. However, Taka, the one who was informed that he was going to die, smiled. Because that's what Taka always did; smile. His lips stretched as he hugged Toru to his chest in a consoling hug.

When I'm reborn and I find you once again, my precious one, I hope that there is a wonderful person smiling by your side.

Toru has once heard Taka sobbing alone at night, clutching his own pillow. He slowly climbed to his side and hugged him gingerly. "I'm scared Toru" Taka had admitted, burrying his face into his beloved's chest.

I hope there is a wonderful person smiling by your side.

Goodbye....

Toru's gaze travelled to the corner of the frail sheet. A ring was taped there. As he removed the silver accessory with shaky hands, under it he read, P.S. I love you.