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4:00 am - Get out of bed (the makeshift one I had made next to my mother's)

4:15 am - Drink Coffee

4:30 am - Eat Breakfast

4:45 am - Log in to complete schoolwork while sitting with mom

7:00 am - Change the IV bag

7:15 am - Tend to my mother

7:30 am - Drink more coffee

8:00 am - Gail and Dr. Louis come to visit

9:00 am - Talk to Mom

10:00 am - take a nap

10:30 am– Tend to my mother and change the bed linens

11:00 am - Gail sits with mom so I can go for a walk

12:30 pm - Eat lunch

1:00 pm - Drink Coffee

1:30 pm - More schoolwork while sitting with mom

3:30 pm - Wash my mother and change her clothes

4:00 pm - McKenna / Tim call to check in

5:00 pm - read to mom

6:00 pm - shower and change

7:00 pm - Change the IV bag

7:15 pm - Tend to my mother

8:00 pm - Eat dinner

8:30 pm - Sit with Mom

10:00 pm - Lay down on my makeshift bed (try to sleep)

This is the schedule of my days since I had been back, never changing, never deviating in the week that I had been here. Feeling that if I changed anything it would push my mother over the edge. In the past three days she had not woken up. The last thing she said to me was that she loved me and knew I would find the happiness I deserved, every time I thought about it, I could feel my heart clench.

I was now just trudging through the days, everything bleeding together. I was completely numb, nothing meant anything to me. Food and drink had lost their flavor, nothing appealed to me. The only thing I really wanted was for my mother to get better, but I knew that wasn't going to happen. So, I sat, I watched, I waited.

Last night when I spoke to McKenna, she said she would be here today, I think she said today? I stopped listening to anything anyone said, it was all the same. "How are you? Is there anything I can do for you? Let me know if you need anything. " I was tired of hearing it, so I stopped listening. I would throw in an occasional grunt or yeah when I felt it was needed.

Lily was no longer trying to offer me any comfort, she had tucked herself safely in the back corner of my mind, letting me have my final moments with my mother. It was now 5:00, reaching into my bag I pulled out Romeo and Juliet, choosing to read the final passages to my mother. The only felt fitting, but before I could get to the first words McKenna came through the open bedroom door.

Catching the sullen, lost look on my face she raced over to me, pulling me into her embrace. There was no need for words, McKenna understood everything without me having to speak and I could feel everything she wanted to say in her hug. We remained like that, sitting in the chair, McKenna standing next to me holding me tight for what felt like hours, the comfort she gave me immeasurably.

Releasing me McKenna went to my mother, gently taking her hand she spoke to her, like she would have any other time, not like she was on her death bed. For that I was grateful. No one other than me was talking to mom anymore, it was like she was already gone. But she wasn't, yet.

McKenna kissed my mother on the cheeks a single tear dropping from her eye onto the pillow my mother's head was resting on, "May you find peace with your Mate and The Goddess. I love you. " McKenna kissed my mother's forehead and then turned to me, giving me one more quick hug, "I'm going to start dinner."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Two days later, that's all I got, two more days. At 4:47 pm Saturday the 24 th day of February my mother took this final breath and went to be with my father. You would think that at that moment I would have felt anguish, sadness, gutted? But no, I didn't feel any of that, I felt calmness, peace, relief. Which I think was worse, because then I felt guilt.

After Dr. Louis came and took my mother's body to the morgue, I wasn't given much time to process her being gone before people were in my face about final arrangements. People were talking all around me, about days and times, I was in such a numb haze that I heard them but didn't understand what they were saying. At one point I just got up and walked out of the house, leaving it all behind me. I would let everyone else sort things out, I'm too dead inside to care.

I walked and walked, with no destination in mind, letting my legs take me wherever they wanted to go. When I finally paid attention to my surroundings I found myself sitting on a swing at the kids' playground only a few minutes from my house.

A little girl with brown curly hair, tied up in pig tails with a pink bow on each side, bounced through the park, squealing "No Daddy, no!" Giggling as she was being chased.

"I'm going to get you!" He roared, chasing behind the little girl taking exaggerated running steps to make her feel like she was getting away from him.

A woman sitting on the bench off to the side watching the little girl and her father playing, a content smile on her face. Happiness radiating from every pore of her being, while she knitted what was going to be a new winter hat.

The little girl climbed on to the swing, "Push me Daddy!" The little girl laughed as her father began to push her. "Higher, Daddy! Higher! EEEEHHHHH !!! " The joy and excitement of being pushed higher and higher as she tried to touch the clouds. Her father's strong and steady hands are not far from her.

"Hold tight and don't let go." He reminded the young girl.

Soon the woman called to her family walking over to where they were playing, "Come on you two, it's time for dinner."

"But Mama, I want to play more. Daddy can we stay? " The little girl whined.

"No, Mama said it's time to go home." Her father said as he helped slow the swing so the young girl could jump down.

"Oh, alright." She said, standing in the middle of her parents, they each held one of her hands. They left the playground and headed for home.

Tears stung my eyes, letting me know that the numbed state I had been in was now gone. Every emotion now hitting me full force and crippling me like someone had punched me in the gut. Finally letting everything out I screamed, screaming for the loss of my childhood, my innocence. Screaming for the loss of my father that shattered my mother, which ultimately led to her death. Screaming at the Moon Goddess, at the world for all the loss in my life, releasing all the pent up emotions and frustrations about Tate.

I dropped from the swing to my knees, hunching over into a ball, pounding my fists on the ground. Sobs racking through my body, weeping with the pain of everything. Releasing everything that I had locked up tight, losing the calm and well-built façade I had erected over the years, fooling even the people closest to me.

Not fully aware of what was happening around me, exhausting was starting to take over me. I laid on my side, curled in the fetal position, when I faintly heard a voice speak to me as they picked me up off the ground, "Ally, I am so sorry Ally." My eyes never fully focused on the person lifting me up, but I felt their lips touch the top of my head as a comforting kiss was placed on my head.

Warmth surrounded me as the strong arms curled around me, offering me protection. I was in such a trance from my melt down that I was unable to speak, I allowed the comfort that the arms brought to envelope me. Refreshing tingles letting me know that I was safe lulled to asleep as I was carried away from the playground.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The next morning, I woke up and glanced at my clock, 10:23 am, the red number glaring back at me. The sun was peaking through the drawn curtains, letting me know that I was sleeping away that day, but I didn't care. I threw the blankets off and sat on my bed, realizing someone had changed me into one of my sleep shirts.

Rubbing my eyes, I could still feel the heaviness of them crying. I imagine they are still red and raw, but I didn't have the ability to care about that right now. I stood up and stretched, grabbed some clothes and walked to the bathroom, hoping that a hot shower would help prepare me for the day ahead.

I walked out of my bedroom a short time later, leaving my hair down to dry naturally. There were soft whispers coming from the kitchen, almost like whoever was speaking was worried that they would disturb me. As I walked into the kitchen McKenna and Gail's eyes fell on me, worry and sadness evident in their eyes.

"Please don't look at me like that." I said, I couldn't take the pity, I didn't want to be pitied. "I am fine."

"No, you're not Allison." McKenna said.

"Yes, I am." Restating my first comment.

"You disappeared yesterday, FOR HOURS!" She shouted. "Only to be brought back by Tate. Carrying you in his arms, you were passed out. What the hell happened? " She had an accusatory tone behind her words.

"NOTHING HAPPENED!" I yelled that here. "I walked aimlessly for a while then found my way to the park. After I had a letter melt down, which I am entitled to I might add. Tate must have found me there and brought me home. I really don't remember anything. " I ranted back at McKenna, the disgusted look on her face telling me she didn't believe me. "You are acting like I did something wrong, McKenna and I didn't. So, don't look at me like that. You know since you don't believe me, your best friend, ask him! " I said letting her know that I wasn't happy that she was questioning me.

Gail looked at her daughter with disdain that she was putting me through the wringer right now. Shaking her head at her daughter, telling her to stop. "I did ask him, and he wouldn't say anything." Her disgust for Tate laced in her words.

"You know McKenna I never lied to you, so please tell me why I would start now?" I was angry now, she just wouldn't let it go, when I really needed my friend, she was treating me like I had committed treason. I was now angry and lashing out, "If you hadn't noticed I lost my mother yesterday, so here I am alone! I am in orphan, no family. My Mate, the one who is supposed to love and protect me has forsaken me for another. I am more than just a bit lost, but in all that, let me make sure you know I didn't screw him last night because that would be the worst thing to happen! " I was screaming by the time I finished.

Slamming the cabinet door, forgetting the coffee I was headed for I ran to my mother's room, and threw myself on her bed. I laid with my face in her blankets, letting her comfort scent wash through me. After about five minutes I gathered my wits and walked back to the kitchen.

I was nowhere to deal with McKenna and her accusations, "Gail, what do we need to do for my mother's funeral arrangements?" I asked not to spare a glance at McKenna.

Gail reached down to the bag on the floor and pulled out a black binder, handing it to me. "Your mother had figured everything out. She had it all planned; everything is paid for. Since you didn't really look like you were in a place to decide, I took the liberty of setting the date and called the funeral director. We will be having her service on Tuesday at 10:00 am. Announcements have already gone out. " She explained.

"Thank you, Gail. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate everything that you have done. The support from you for the last several months is something I could never repay. " She grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently.

"I was happy to help dear. Now I just want you to take care of yourself. " She smiled sweetly. Letting go of my hand she stood up, "I'm going to make you something to eat. I know you haven't eaten since yesterday. "

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

By the time Tuesday rolled around I was starting to feel more like myself, not sure if I could say I felt more like myself or if I was just coping better. I had started to come to terms with everything, embrace my new reality. McKenna and I had made up, apologizing profusely for the way she had treated me. We were never able to stay mad at each other for long.

I had even organized a U-Haul so I could pack the house up and move it to storage. There was no sense in leaving the house full of our things while I was going to be at school, it wasn't like I was going to be coming back here until after I finished my studies and my internships.

Monday, I had spent the day packing the living room, there really wasn't much in there that I wanted to keep. The board games I was going to send up to the pack house for the kids in the pack to enjoy, the TV was old, so it was going to be thrown out along with the couch. All that was left were some pictures, a few nick knacks, and my mother's writing desk that had been my grandmother's.

Today, however, I was focused on getting through the service that my mother had arranged for herself. Getting dressed that morning I put on a simple black dress, more business than anything. I finished it off with black tights and black ballet flats. I left my hair loose, falling down my back finished off with a bracelet and necklace that were my mothers. I didn't look flashy, I looked like I didn't want to be seen and I didn't. I didn't want to be greeted with pity or have people whispering behind my back.

About half an hour before the service began, Gail, McKenna, and I had arrived at the cemetery. Everything was perfect, just the way my mother would have wanted it. The sun was shining, not a cloud in sight. Simple flowers were placed around her oak casket a picture of her and my father smiling off to the side. This was her way of telling everyone she wanted them to remember, she wanted to be remembered as the person she was before my father was taken from us. I smiled sweetly looking at the photo of my parents.

People soon began to filter into the seating area, signaling that we were close to 10:00, closer than I would have liked to be. I wasn't ready for the finality of the situation, but I suppose no one ever is. And it's one of those things that you just have no control over. The best you can do is muddle through, fake it 'til you make it', as I have been told. I took my seat in the front of the aisle, waiting for the services to begin, as I sat there, I could feel his presence, I knew Tate was there. I turned and stood in the back with his father he was watching me, eyes holding a softness and love that I had been missing, that I had been secretly desiring. Once he realized I had caught him watching me he quickly diverted his eyes, which led me to look at his father who was glaring at me. After a few moments of holding his gaze I turned back,

Soon the Funeral Director took his place, and I turned around to signal to him that I was ready, pushing my thoughts of Tate and Alpha Blackwell to the back of my mind. The Funeral Director provided beautiful speech and finding comforts in the peace that my mother was now in, how she was now with her Mate and the Goddess having completed her mission here on Earth. I knew she was right, she was at peace now. I knew her soul was healed, she was with my father, it was where she belonged.

A few people got up and talked about my mother, telling stories of her from when she was young or things that she would miss about her. It was really quite moving that so many people held these memories and even if they were present in her recent life, it brought me happiness that she was going to be remembered so fondly.

The hardest part of the day was when the service was over, once everyone had left for the reception being held at the pack house. I stood staring at the ground that they had lowered my mother into, laying to rest next to my father. I placed a Calla Lily in the grave with my mother and stood there for several minutes whispering my final goodbyes to her. Looking around I saw Gail and McKenna standing back, noting that Tate had left. I was thankful that only Gail and McKenna remained, after a few more minutes McKenna walked up gently taking my arm in hers.

"Let's go, there are people waiting for us at the reception." She spoke almost reluctantly, but she was right I needed to be present at the reception.

With a final glare at my parent's tombstone I said, "I love you Mama. I love you Daddy. " I had never felt more like a lost child than I did in that moment, fragile and scared at what the world had in store for me.