A/N Well uhhhh hi its been awhile.... a year and a half. I thought that I had left this story forever, but something drew me back. So I apologize now, the style of my writing has probably changed and honestly where I want this fic to go has changed as well. Just to recap since it's been so long, this is picking up where we left Lexa and Alex off last time. Lexa had just decided to forgive Alex, Alex collapsed into Lexa and has to deal with the emotional pain that she has been through.

Alex POV

It was her smell that forced me further to my knees. It was her smell that made my legs tremble and sink further and further into the safety of the arms that wrapped around me. As I drew breath deep into my lungs, filling them until it hurt, the scent that I had almost forgotten ravaged my memories. A hint of mint and a speck of pine sent me tumbling through memories that resided just out of my reach. I could almost feel the sun-shining down on my cheeks, the sun's warm kiss sprinkled as it fought to shine through the leaves. The quiet calm of the wind ruffling those beautiful saturated lush branches. The way that the water babbled through the brook harmonized with the quiet songs of the wood thrush. It was the smell of home.

As I let out that deep breath, a violent shudder racked through me. I could not control the countless tremors that followed as I struggled to breath in more of my home. A deep aching feeling settled in the pit of my stomach, twisting and squeezing creating a pain like I had never felt before. But nothing in my training had prepared me for the pain that spread across my chest. It felt as though a hand had wrapped itself around where my heart once laid and clenched its fingers, plunging its sharp nails deep into the tissue. The pain stayed tight in my chest, the hand clenched, as a wildfire quickly followed, rushing into every vein, ventricle and chamber leaving no area free from the burn.

My mouth dropped open, praying for the sweet air to put out the fire, but I could not draw a breath. I tensed every muscle in my body, hoping that the shudders would stop driving their way through me and when I relaxed the tightness in my chest would also disappear. But the tremors continued as did the attack on my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut out of fear that every blood vessel in them would pop out of the stress of the struggle. I could feel my face twist into a a tight grimace. It felt as if an eternity had past since I had last filled my lungs. The twisting of my stomach, the tightness of my chest, and the lack of oxygen continued to torture me as I felt the vomit creep up my throat.

When I was finally able to take a breath, the air rushed into my lungs with an audible gasp. The air was enough to loosen the pressure in my chest to let the sobs I had been holding in for 15 years to be set free.

I could think of nothing other than the agony that had terrorized me as I cried. My body convulsing as I finally succumb to the pain that I had been ignoring for so long. The tears flooded from my eyes, burning them more than the sweat that drips in during trainings. The anger built inside of me, bubbling and rising like boiling water, until it began to spill over. With each breath I expelled from my lungs, the smell, my home, left me as well. The comfort I had found in the mint and pine began to haunt me of what could have been. I clenched my fist, the agony of this torture was becoming too much.

The feeling my fist made as I pounded it into the floor took my mind off of the torture that was happening in my chest. The flair of pain as my knuckles drove themselves into the hard wood was my saving grace from the wildfire in my heart. The vibrating ache that raced itself up through my forearm and all the way to my shoulder protected me from the twisting in my gut. I drew my knuckles back time and time again before I could finally feel the arms wrapped around me again.

I became more and more aware of the arms that encompassed me. They were hard from muscle, years and years of training had been put into making that muscle. They were the arms of my sworn enemy. The one who forbade me from staying in the beautiful place that was my home. The one who had the life that I had always dreamed of. The hard leather of her combat armor pressed into my skin. The rage inside of me began to boil again. The hard arms wrapped tighter around me as my violent sobs began to go quiet as the silent rage began to set in.

"This is your fault." I thought to myself as I began to formulate my plan of attack. I was almost certain I was not going to make it out of this room alive, but I was as sure as hell not letting the Heda out alive either. The 15 year long revenge was to be ended today.

As I adjusted my body, to get a better position of attack, I felt the hard arms of my enemy slide slightly on my back. I stopped my movement suddenly as it dawned on me. While I could feel the hardened muscle against my own, there was no strength to the arms that held me. She was weak, barely holding on to me. She was using all the strength that she had to support my body. There was no hard leather covering her skin, just the simple cloth of a tunic. I heard her soft sniffle as she tried to hold back the tears that escaped her. I could feel the warm wet tears that she had left on my shirt quickly cool in the night air.

"This is not my enemy," I thought to myself, "these are the cries of a young girl who lost her sister."

Fear set in as I finally faced the unknown for the first time in my life. My entire existence had been about ending the girl who held me. And for the first time, I did not want to make the kill. But still the question rang in my head, "Who am I?"

"If I am not going to kill Lexa, then who am I" The thought ran through my head over and over again as I let my sister hold onto me for just a few more minutes. I knew I should get up so Lexa could rest, her wounds must have been killing her, but I could not bear separating from her again so quickly. I buried my face into her, trying to catch just one more whiff of home.

"It's time." I thought to myself. "Pull yourself together," I silently yelled at myself while I wiped my tears, "you are a natblida, the secret weapon of Azgeda, the next true commander. Not some silly emotional child." Taking a deep breath, I allowed myself to sink back into my comfort zone, a place free from emotion. A hard expressionless look fell across my face. Leaning away from Lexa I pulled myself to my feet and walked towards the balcony door.

"Stop Alex," Wanheda yelled at me as she threw her body in front of the door, "you know why we can't let you do that."

I chuckled to myself, damn she was brave, I guess I can understand why Lexa was so into her. Looking into the eyes of Wanheda, I let a smirk spread across my face.

"Relax, Wanheda." Her face remained concerned as she blocked the large wooden doors that were my escape. "

"I just need some air." I assured her once again with a signature smirk.

"The sun has rose," I heard Lexa's voice say as I felt her hand rest on my shoulder, "we cannot risk someone spotting you."

Angry that I had fallen to my emotions in front of her, I shrugged her hand from my shoulder. I have not cried in years, and yet I fell to pieces as soon as I saw her. Whipping my body around, I looked Lexa square in the eyes.

"Then where the hell am I supposed to go," I hissed at her, my voice fueled by the anger of my past, "because I can't stay here with you."

Lexa was clearly taken aback at my sudden change in emotion, I could see the hurt in her eyes that she felt. She opened her mouth to speak, but she quickly closed it again. I could see her expression change as it began to match my own.

"Your bleeding," she stated, nodding towards my hand. I had not even noticed the warm dark blood that was dripping from my fingers. The pain in my hand that had once saved me was now becoming unbearable.

"Clarke, take Alex to Octavia's quarters." Wanheda started to protest Lexa's orders, but it became clear that it was non-negotiable.

"Lexa," Wanheda started slowly, "what about her hand?" Wanheda tried to reach for my hand, but I quickly pulled it away before she could touch me.

"Well," Lexa spat, "She clearly wants to do this alone." I could almost feel the anger radiating off of her. I wanted to run into her arms and tell her that I was sorry, that anger was the only way that I knew. But I stood stoic, keeping my signature smirk written across my face.

"Do you really think that Octavia is the best ide--" Lexa cut Wanheda sharply.

"Do I really think that Octavia is the best idea? She is the only person that we can trust Clarke. I cannot leave her with Titus out of fear he might kill her. She cannot stay with me out of hatred of something I was never apart of. And she will not being staying with you, because I need you Clarke. I do not trust her around you--"

"Hey, hey, hey," Wanheda said moving closer to Lexa. She tucked a piece of hair behind my sister's ear as she comforted her.

"Nothing is going to happen to me Lexa," Clarke whispered as I nearly barfed at their obvious adoration of each other. "It's a good idea, Octavia will be able to keep her in that room." I nearly laughed at Wanheda's words. The sky girl that I had seen earlier? She was nothing but bug to squash if I wanted to escape.

I turned my head as Clarke leaned into give Lexa a soft reassuring kiss. I fought back the urge to cough and break up their sweet moment.

"Everything is going to be okay," Wanheda reassured Lexa, giving her hands a quick squeeze. "I will be back soon, lay down and get some rest."

As we walked out of the room, I could hear Lexa's voice crack as she told Clarke to please hurry. The crack in her voice almost broke my heart as I continued to step further and further from my sister.

"Get it together, Alex" I chastised myself once again. "And stop calling her your sister. You do not have a family. You are Nokru." I continued telling myself these words over and over as we made the quick journey to the skygirl's room, hoping that if I said it enough I would begin to believe it.