POV Shannon

I take a cab which drives me home. I am exhausted and I feel empty. I just need a shower and two or three day sleeping...minimum! When I'm home, I can't even shower and fall of tiredness on my couch. I wake up when I hear someone knocking on my door. God who can come at this hour? And what time is it by the way? 4pm... ok, I slept for almost 12 hours... I reach the door and open it.

- Hi Shan...

God I am not ready. She is gorgeous even if she looks a bit sad and upset. I missed her.

- Hi Fletch...

I hug her genuinely happy.

- I missed you

- I missed you too...

She kisses me and I can't push her back. The kiss becomes more intense and I feel her hands on my hips. She pulls me closer. Well... you can imagine how it ended. Now we are both naked on my bed, resting. My brain started to work again and I feel full of shame and guilt. I stare at her. After a moment she looks at me back. I am not able to talk so she is the one starting.

- I think we might have to talk now... don't you think?

- I guess we have to...

- Perhaps we can put some clothes on and talk about it in a nice place, eating something?

- It sounds great, just need to take a fast shower first

We are walking on the street together and it feels weird. We are one meter apart, trying to avoid any physical or visual contact. We didn't even start to talk.

- So, how was spain?

- It was amazing, I took so much pictures, I look forward to edit them

- How were Rose and Rosie? It's been a while since I saw them...

- Great. Some up and down as always but... you know... Always happy and in love at the end...

- I guess they have something we don't...

I stop talking and look at her in the eyes. She wants to cry and I also feel tears coming in my eyes. It was quite brutal and fast.

- Carry I...

- I just want you to be honest Shan... And I will do the same.

- I love you...

- but?

- Lately I struggled with something I couldn't figure out but now I finally understand. It is unfair to you, and to me. I wish I could have answered yes to you two weeks ago but...

- I am not the one you want to marry....

It sounds quite hard hearing it from her. I close my eyes for a second, trying to contain all the tears that come. I grab her hand and squeeze it.

- I spend wonderful years with you and my regret is to end it. I love you fletch, you are such an amazing person and you made me so happy. Life is so unfair... You deserve someone who loves you and only you, someone who wants to marry you and build a life with you. I am not this person. I thought I was, but I am not.

She pushes my hand away. I feel miserable. I wanted time to process and think about my life, now I am just rushing it. I am afraid of what is next. I don't want everything to be so fast. I don't want to hurt this woman I love...loved...love. Do I even love her anymore? Of course I do... just not enough. She is crying, so am I... This day sucks. I take Fletcher's hand.

- Come to my home so we can talk about it, I'll cook you something...

She doesn't answer but give me a dark glare.

- Who is it?

- Wh... what?

- Who is the girl you want to marry? Did you cheat on me?

- I...

Did I cheat on her? The answer is both yes and no. Is that okay to say? Not sure... I need to tell her the all story, I need to explain myself.

- Please can we go home?

- So it is a yes...

- I didn't sleep with anyone else than you, I couldn't...

She finally accepts to follow me back to my house. I am starving... not relevant here though. Back to my flat, I start to cook something simple. She is sitting on my couch. I don't know if she will kill me or just never talk to me again, and between those situations, I don't know which one is the worst. It is selfish but I don't want to lose her. I am still struggling with myself, knowing what I want but not wanting to act on in. I don't want to lose her. I am scared, even terrified. I start to cry. I close my eyes for a second.

- Shan... I love you. You are amazing, and attentive, kind and passionate. You are everything I could dream in someone and I would love to spend the rest of my life with you...

- Fletch...

- But I felt something was wrong lately, and if I was sure about my feelings, I felt that something was wrong. I wasn't ready to propose you but I needed to see if my feelings were shared. At the end I was sure about mines so why not. I rushed everything but I couldn't wait. I don't... I can't deal with you not being fully mine. You broke me telling that I wasn't the one you wanted to marry. You own me the truth so please be honest Shannon. I can wait for you if you ask me but before you need to tell me the truth...

I take a deep breath and start talking. I don't know how to start but I guess there is no good way to tell the woman you spend 2 years with that you are still in love with your ex.

- I always pictured myself married with kids and a dog or a cat. When I started dated Camden I thought she was the one. When we broke up my heart was broken and I thought I would never love again. And then I met you. You helped me to heal, you helped me to grow and you showed me that I was able to love again because I felt for you. I felt deeply in love with you. I still am in love. But when you proposed me, the first person I thought about was Cammie and I couldn't understand why. I am in love with you, but I am also still in love with her. There is something I can't explain about it because I don't even know her properly anymore, but every time we met it is so easy and natural... She is the one for me and I am sorry for that because I would love to continue being happy with you. I would be easy and fair because you are my girlfriend and I love you but Cammie is the one I want to spend my life with.

- So you want to break up with me for some fantasy in your head, you will leave me for a dream?

- I didn't want to, when I was in Spain, I open myself to Cammie. I thought I just needed to grieve my relationship with her in order to have a proper closure. I wanted to be with you or at least to be honest and figure out my life. It was easy to be with her.

- Did you sleep with her?

- We kissed and hold hands, and spend a lot of time together. I cheated on you...on us... And I feel ashamed about it. I don't deserve you Cary, You deserve so much better than me, you deserve someone who can love you and only you. Please forgive me. I don't want to lose you but I can't be with you... Please forgive me...

I start to cry again. She doesn't say a word. She stares at me with an indescribable gaze. She stands up and walks to the door.

- You're just a fool thinking that she will come for you. You will just end alone waiting for her.

And then she leaves my flat. I don't know if I will stop crying one day. I am heart-broken. Life is just a piece of shit. Why does it heart so much?