"...one of the hardest things to admit

is that you are the toxic one

in the relationship..."

Nick's POV

I thought of skipping the funeral but I ended up attending. I hid myself among the tall tombstones, watching from afar. Seeing her in pain broke my heart. How she kept stopping in the middle of the eulogies made me wish I could get closer to just hold her hand and assure her that I am here for her. But I couldn't move my feet. I was too ashamed to show my face because of how much I have failed this woman.

I enticed her into an affair.

I pushed her to pursue a divorce.

I pulled away when this is got hard and left her to fend for herself.

I am angry that she can never know what I have done for her. I want to be equal and even greater than Sinclair. I would like for her to see my sacrifice was greater but in telling her that, I also tell her that I'm responsible for bringing a storm into her life and I left her dancing in it alone. I will have to admit that Keith's death is on me. I'm struggling to come to terms with his death. So while I choke on my unsaid words, Sinclair plays the hero.

I am not a hero but for her I want to be. My conscience tends to go on vacation but with her, it is present and accusing me of failure. Amongst the tombstones I hid, wearing a hoodie and sunglasses. I'm embarassed to even think that my actions can qualify as supporting her. I hid like a coward while she stood in front of people even with the stain on her name. The stain I put there when I decided to make her the other woman, my mistress. I made her the object if criticism, shame and hate.

I left before the funeral ended.

I went to a liquor store, bought myself five bottles of whiskey and I brought them to Helena's penthouse, where I'm taking shelter with Maddie as I figure shit out. My dad is here. My mom is here. Lupe and Julio already went to Florence. The plan is that we all follow but until I'm officially cleared of all charges, I can't leave.

"So how are you doing?" Cole broke the silence.

None if them have ever seen me like this. They are obviously surprised that a man so we'll put together could crash like this.

They all went to the funeral. Even Tony went as half hearted we he was about it. Mom forced him. Dad attended. Gio sat it out. He is still in the guest room as quiet as the grave yard.

"I don't know how to answer that." I responded. "But if you want to tell me 'I told you so' then tell me."

"I can't say that to you. You fell in love and there is nothing wrong with that. Perhaps how you went about it is the reason it all went to hell but it's too late to regret. It would be better to move on."

"How was she?" I asked them. "Did you guys speak to her?"

They looked at each other. Ferrer cleared his throat. "I spoke to her. She is trying her best. She is obviously sad but... Sinclair was there, faithfully by her side."

"I don't trust the bloody bastard!" Tony voiced his opinion. "He swooped in at the perfect in moment. Calling it a coincidence is a lie."

"I have known Sinclair for years. He's a straightforward guy. He speaks his truth. He tends to scheme but he doesn't pretend and maybe that is what Kei needs right now." Bruce caught my attention.

"Someone who doesn't pretend?" I asked my best friend. I'm offended that he's taking Sinclair's side right now!

"Yes." He answered with his eyes locked with mine. "It's hard for you to hear it but you can't be with Kei and not lie to her!"

"What is he talking about?" Ferrer asked.

Only two people in this room know about me and the Mafia. Tony by default of being family and Bruce because he's closest to my heart.

"Tell them. Explain to them what went down and why you are toxic to Kei right now." Bruce pushed.

"What is going on Nick?" Cole asked me.

"The Mafia staged this whole shit show. The godfather doesn't like me. He used Kei... set up Kei to get to me." I answered with my eyes fixed on Bruce.

"The Mafia?" Ferrer asked.

Cole doesn't look surprised. He probably concluded that long ago but he just never asked me to confirm my ties to the Mafia.

"Yes. At first, the godfather threatened to hurt Kei if I didn't get on his payroll. I agreed to replace his accountant. I thought it was solved until he did this. It's personal between us and I'm yet to understand what personal means. But I sacrificed my freedom and reputation to save Keira. I did that for her! I am not toxic."

"Then tell her why she went through that. Explain it to her,tell her the truth. Tell her what you sacrificed."

My first real relationship was with the daughter of a Russian mob boss. She is someone who would have understood my ties to the Mafia. "Keira is not the kind to understand such things. She's pure light and goodness. She will not survive in my world-"

"Thus the need for you to be honest with her or let get go." Bruce cut me off. "But to lay claim to her, toy with her emotions and dump her whenever you feel you need space is cruel. You told me to always be real with you and I'm not afraid to tell you that you fucked up. You came into her life like a storm, you fucked up her life and then you dumped her. The damage was done long before you made the said sacrifice. So let her go already!"

I did tell Bruce to be honest with me. Ferrer is a little scared of me and he would never openly call me out. Cole doesn't speak his negative thoughts out loud. Tony is my brother and he is inclined to side with me. I told Bruce not to hold back when he thinks I'm messing up. He is brave enough not to.

I looked at my hands. I still see Keith's blood.

"You're right." I agreed. "I am toxic."

"There you go. Work on yourself first. If she loves you like you love her, time won't change that. You two will be together after you have both healed." He told me firmly.

"Even if she's possibly carrying Theo's baby?" Ferrer asked.

"What?" I think they all know. "When did you guys find out?"

"At the funeral, Theo kept touching her stomach area..." He gestured. "I know people do that subconsciously when they are pregnant or if touched person is pregnant."

"Or she could have had a stomach ache and you are reading too much into it!" Bruce countered. It seems today he is Kei's fiercest defender.

"But she confirmed it." Ferrer responded. "I asked her if she is pregnant and she said yes."

My heart sank at once. A lot of things ate racing through my mind right now. Kei.said she can't get pregnant. She told me that and her father also mentioned her struggles. How is it that she's pregnant? Also, was when did she start sleeping with Sinclair? When did that happen? Did she cheat on me when we were together?

"She can't get pregnant. She said she can't." I voiced out my thoughts.

"Well Sinclair did it. Or is it yours?" Cole asked me.

"Only a woman knows who the father of her baby is. My money is on Sinclair. He took advantage of her sadness and knocked her up to lay claim. Bruce said he is a schemer!"

She's pregnant.

As they debate on it, I moved away to the window. This is a deal breaker for me. I'm not keen on raising another man's baby. Even if I'm to fix my issues, how can we be together if she's carrying another man's baby? Could it be mine? I didn't always pull out or use protect. "How far along is she?" I asked.

"We didn't get there. She walked away when I asked if it's Sinclair's." Ferrer answered. "But it's not showing so it's pretty early. At most she is in her first trimester."

My mind is revisiting every intimate moment but whether I put on protection or not I'd uncertain because of how hot things get between us. It's passion that blurs al thought. Her sensual moans in my ear are a hinderance for my mind to think. I can't separate emotions from logic when I'm with her.

"Maybe you should just ask her. Misunderstandings happen when two people don't communicate. Just go to her and ask her."

"He dumped her, then he should just ask if it's Sinclair's baby?" Bruce questioned.

"Exactly! A baby changes things, right?" Cole paused the question I'm thinking about.

If she is pregnant with my baby, I can't abandon her. I can't take time off. I have to be with her. It is expected.

"It does." I agreed. "Where is she? Does anyone know where she is?"

"She said you're ghosting her calls and texts." Ferrer answered.

I am ignoring her. I just don't know what to say to her.

I decided to send her a text, asking if we can talk.

"But even if it is yours-"

"Bruce! Enough of taking her side! If it is mine, I'll step up!"

"And stop drinking? Because you smell like whiskey." He pointed out. "Nick, you're a violent drunk. You're an emotional mess. You have lost everything. Do you think adding the stress of a new baby to your list is pliable at this moment?"

"Don't say anything else or I'll knock out your teeth." I threatened him.

He got up and picked his coat. "All the best. You won't be seeing me for a while. It's a work thing. Excuse me."

I watched him walking out.

"I have a shift... double. Call me if you need anything." Ferrer bid me goodbye as well.

Cole joined me by the window. "We have our differences and we have clash d a few times but I hate to see you like this. I uh... I took you up on your challenge to man up and pursue Naila. That is what I'm going to do. I won't be in the country for a while but you can calm me anytime." He gave me a hug before he left.

"And then there were two!" Tony announced. "I told you not to go down this road...."

Here we go. He's like a dog with a bone when he's right about something.

"I know. You don't have to hammer it in. I know."

"Buddy, listen to me. She's going to be fine with Sinclair even if it's a few months to give you a chance to pick yourself up piece by piece."

"And the pregnancy?"

"Is obviously a major game changer but I agree with Bruce. If you don't fix yourself, you'll make a mess of things with her. I know you live her but you need to get your shit together before you go back to her."

"Do you think she's lost interest in me because I no longer have my financial status?"

"I don't know Keira and that is a major problem for me. But I can't conclude that it was Sall about your wealth. But seeing her with Sinclair makes me wonder if it was. Sinclair is crazy rich! We know that. All if a sudden she's with him after you've been washed up and now she's pregnant, with his baby. Possibly. It looks shady."

"I have to go talk to her."