Daria stares at me with an open mouth.

I'm pretty sure a fly flew in and out, during this time.

"Daria? Hey, are you okay?"

She still doesn't answer, but her eyes are on my stomach.

I'm worried about her, but hey, I'm still hungry so I continue to eat while I wait for her to digest everything.

"Ellie." After about 15 minutes, she says my name.

"Yes?"

"Are you really pregnant?"

I haven't been to a doctor to confirm, but the way my body is steadily changing, I know that I am.

"Yes, I am."

Another moment of silence. Then,

""

Startled, I nearly drop my food, but Daria has forgotten all about hers. She rounds the picnic table and tackles me into a hug.

I can't help but laugh as she excitedly talks about becoming an aunt, how she's going to spoil them, and how she'll babysit for free.

I knew telling her would make her happy and I admit that some of my own darkness has been chipped away.

When she finally lets me go, she asks me the one question that I've been avoiding.

"Have you been to the doctor yet?"

My first instinct is to play dumb. "What?"

Daria's eyes narrow slightly. "I'll take that as a no."

"I mean, it's fine because I will eventually." My answer sounds meek to my own ears.

She just nods at me suspiciously. "Alright Ellie."

She goes back over to her side and continues to eat. The atmosphere is still light, despite the doctor thing.

"Does anyone else know?"

"Just Liam." I don't want to go into the details of that day, so I don't say anything further.

Soon, we finish our food and make our way home.

As soon as we walk into the house, Daria gets a facetime call.

"Oh! It's Winona! Do you mind if I answer it?"

"D, it's fine. Go talk to your friend." She gives me a quick hug, and answers the call.

"Hey Winnie!"

"Hey, Daria!"

I catch a glimpse of the girl the same time she sees me in the background. "Who's that?"

Daria smiles and gestures for me to come over. "Winnie, this is my sister Ellie. Ellie this is my friend, Winnie."

I smile at the pretty girl. "Nice to meet you Winnie!"

She smiles back. "Nice to meet you too, Ellie."

"Well, I'll let you girls talk, I'm gonna go unpack, okay?"

Daria nods and flings herself on the couch, giggling.

Shaking my head, I grab my suitcase and make my way upstairs.

Once I'm in my room, I let out a breath and slump against the door. Today was a good day, but it was hard.

Everyday without him is hard.

Instead of unpacking, I decide to take a bath in the large clawfoot bathtub.

Once the tub is filled with bubbles, I strip out of my clothes and tie my hair up. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I walk closer to get a better look.

I stare at the scars that I still have from the wedding, and I trace the scar on my stomach from when I got shot. The scar is a little stretched out as my tummy grows. Turning to the side, I put my hands around my small but growing bump. If you didn't know, it would just look like I ate too much.

*

I wonder how many months I am, I-

I quickly cut those thoughts off. Why does it matter? The baby won't have a father, so why does anything matter?

Shaking my head, I get into the tub and let the water rise up to my neck.

As I sit there, the pain that I've been suppressing comes to the surface.

Silent tears roll down my cheeks, as sobs threaten to come up.

I wonder if he made it to heaven? I like to think that he did, even though his profession would say otherwise. I could see him now, with white wings and a beautiful golden halo.

I'm crying in earnest now, not caring about the loud sobs that wrack my body.

Join him.

A dark thought join my scattered thoughts.

Join him in heaven. He, your baby, and you will be together again. Happy. Join him. Your mom and your aunt Dorothy will be there too, a big happy family.

Join them.

The sobs stop, as I think about it. We would be together again, all of us. We would be happy.

Right?

Without another thought, I get out of the tub and reach for the knife that I just hid in the bathroom.

Getting back in the warm water, I try to relax my body for what I'm about to do.

The knife is long and thin, but is deadly sharp. Holding out my wrist, I press the knife down vertically onto my skin.

The skin splits like butter, and a little bit of blood has begun to flow. I go to cut down the entire length of my arm, when there's a sudden knock on my door.

"Ellie?"

The sound of Daria's voice leaves me breathless as the knife falls to the ground.

What am I doing?

Am I... am I that selfish, that I would leave Daria? Leave her to find my dead body with my dead unborn child inside of me?

And what about Liam? Josie? Zayn? The twins? Louis and Niall? What about them? They all love me and they would be completely devastated.

There has been enough death. How could I add to that? What the hell is wrong with me?

My body shakes with tears this time. Guilt and shame eating me alive.

"Ellie?"

"J-just a minute!"

I stumble out of the blood tinged bathwater and pull a robe around my shuddering body.

Grabbing a small red hand towel, I wrap it around the long cut on my wrist. From the way it's bleeding, I know that it's not that deep.

[

I splash cold water on my face, trying to get rid of my red rimmed eyes, but it only helps a little.

When I finally open the door, Daria is standing there in her pajamas with a black silk bonnet on. She has my phone in her hands.

"Hey Daria, what's up?" I try to sound as normal as possible, but my voice sounds weak and shaky.

She thankfully bought it as she holds out my phone. "Liam wants to talk to you!"

Liam?

I look at the screen, and sure enough, Liam is on pause on Facetime.

"Um, okay. Let me just finish up my bath and I'll be right out."

Daria nods and puts the phone on my bed. Once I'm sure she's gone, I close my bathroom door and lock it.

Heaving out a deep sigh, I take the towel away from my wound to see if I need stitches.

The cut will close up on it's own, as the bleeding has mostly stopped, but I know that it will scar. I know that this scar will haunt me forever.

I get the first aid kit and quickly wrap my wrist in gauze and tape it up.

After that's secure, I carefully wash my face with cold water and put on a bit of foundation to hide my red eyes. I take my hair out of its bun and let it air dry on my shoulders. I let unplug the tub, and watch as the red water goes down the drain. I give myself one more glance before leaving the bathroom.

Picking up my phone, I take Liam off of pause. "Hi Liam."

The screen lags a bit, before I clearly see him laying down. "Hey El! How's my favorite girl doing?"

Just hearing his voice makes me feel a hundred times better than before. Tears well up in my eyes as I realize just how much I missed my best friend.

"Ellie? Can you hear me?"

"Yeah, I can. I just miss you Li."

"Aw, I miss you too! It's boring as hell without you here! How are things? Did you move in to your place yet?"

"Yeah, we just moved in today and we absolutely love it! You'll have to come and see us soon!"

"Oh I definitely will, after I make sure these morons are doing their jobs right. Rebuilding the apartments is taking a while because I decided to go bigger than originally planned."

"Really? How big are we talking?"

"Well instead of one building with five floors, I'm going to do 7 buildings with six floors."

"Holy crap!"

Liam laughs loudly at my response. "That's what the guys said when I told them."

"Seven buildings?! Woah... that's a lot. Wait, that sounds expensive as heck, what-?"

He cuts me off. "Well, I don't think you know this, but Harry left me some money as well."

The gasp that escapes my mouth sounds choked. Hearing his name out loud leaves me feeling hollow.

"Ellie? Oh shit, I'm sorry honey, I didn't even think. Are you okay?"

I force a smile on my face. "No, no it's fine. You can say his name, I'm fine."

I just want to move on in the conversation, and Liam must sense this because he continues to talk like nothing happened.

Soon the forced smile on my face becomes real as Liam and I talk and mess around.

After a while, Liam's face becomes a bit serious again.

"So how is the baby?"

Regret instantly washes over me as I remember that I just tried to end this baby's life along with my own.

"They're okay. And before you ask, no, I haven't been to a doctor yet, but I'm planning on it."

Liam nods, a happy smile donning his face. "Well, that's good."

"Y-yeah, and I even told Daria about it today."

He laughs "I know, she was talking my ear off about how she's going to be the 'cool aunt'."

We laugh together then, and the tight feeling in my chest loosens some.

As we're about to wrap up the conversation, Liam asks me for our address.

"Why?"

"Well the boys and I, and Josie, want to send you something. Kind of like a house warming gift."

"Oh? That's sweet, but you guys don't have to do that."

Liam rolls his eyes and scoffs. "Shut up, of course we're going to do something for you guys. We love you."

We love you.

Those words echo in my head, and the emotions I was trying to suppress, water in my eyes.

"El? Are you alright?"

I blink rapidly, willing the stupid tears to stop their assault. "Yeah, I'm fine. Let me give you that address."

After I give it to him, I get off the phone quickly with the excuse of me being tired. If I stayed on any longer, I know that Liam would have figured out that something was up.

I carelessly throw my phone on the bed and go change into a big tshirt and loose shorts. Then I leave my room to go check on Daria.

I find her in her room, fast asleep with her mouth open like a child. The fact that I almost abandoned her, makes me feel like a horrible person.

As I watch her mumble and roll over, I vow to do everything I can to become better for her, for myself, and for my baby.

Quietly, I close her door and make my way back to my own room. As soon as my head hits the pillow, I'm out.

"Sei fottutamente stupido? Mi stai dicendo che è quasi riuscita a uccidersi e non hai tentato di fermarlo?" Translation: Are you stupid? You're telling me that she almost succeeded in killing herself and you didn't attempt to stop it?

I press the phone tightly to my ear, annoyance rippling throughout my body, but I calm myself down because I'm not trying to die.

"Stavo per intervenire sul capo, ma il suo piccolo amico marrone lo fece prima che potessi." Translation:I was going to intervene boss, but her little brown friend did before I could.

Silence. Then.

"Faresti meglio a essere felice che non sia morta o che soffriresti un destino molto peggiore." Translation: You better be glad she's not dead or you would be suffering a much worse fate.

"Si Capo. Qualunque altra cosa?" Translation: Yes boss. Anything else?

"No. Continua a guardarla. Antonio finirà presto per passare con te."

Translation: No. Keep watching her. Antonio will be over soon to switch with you.

"Si Capo."

▪︎▪︎▪︎