I'm exhausted and at the brink of my sanity. I had barely caught a wink of sleep for the past three days, paranoia keeping me wide awake. My heart had been exhilarating every time I caught a wisp of dark blonde hair, it was torture and I couldn't take it anymore.

I've also not heard anything form Holden since Saturday which only added to my bubbling frustration. I should be happy, he was one less person I had to worry about but I'm not I'm fucking miserable and I hate it.

Maybe he realised what a disaster I was and had already moved on, the snark side of me thought.

Groaning I roughly ripped the blank paper beneath my palm, scrunching it up before aiming for the small bin by my desk; watching as it fell among the cluster of other roughy strewn papers, widely missing the bin. I had been trying and failing drastically at writing an essay on chemical properties for the past two hours.

It was Wednesday night and I was seated in my bed drowning in heaps of books, Avery was out with Jeremy again, leaving me to wallow in my grief alone.

My pen had just met the blank page of my textbook when loud knocking met my ears. I was used to it by now; the way my heart fanned rapidly at the slightest noise and like an anticipated response it did just that.

I remained still, unmoving against the headboard of my bed. A second pair of knocks resonated, resulting in me physically flinching. Then the third, it was rather persistent but not demanding. I was probably being paranoid, it could just be Avery and here I was practically falling apart.

Gripping my phone tightly in my hand I forced my unwilling legs towards the door, breathing deeply. I grabbed onto the knob hesitantly turning it, when I opened the door I expected a lot of things and mesmerising grey eyes were not one of them.

My mouth hung open unattractively as I stared up at him, my heart beating rapidly for a completely different reason than fear. He was dressed in his usual dark jeans, a grey hoodie replacing his blank shirts. He looked tired though, like he hadn't slept in days but this did nothing to deter his godly like features.

"Um...Holden?" My hands itched to rub my eyes to make sure he was actually here.

"Could I come in?" He asked nervously scratching his left cheek where a days old stubble had dusted over. I didn't know how to feel about his sudden presence back into my life, it was like he turned all my feelings back on.

I don't know whether to be scared or happy.

He stepped over the threshold once I open the door further, his stiff shoulders slumping slightly. I could feel the heat of his body behind me as I shut the door, still not turning to face him. He moved closer to me, his hot breath fanning the side of my neck

"H- holden..." I couldn't formulate words. I was too hyper aware of his body behind mine, jolts of electricity shooting through my spine. He hummed, dipping his head further to lightly brush is lips on my exposed neck.

My teeth bit harshly on my lips trying to swallow the moan that was rising in my throat. I slowly turned to face him, placing my hand against his chest to try and create some distance between us. However much my body craved him, I had to be cautious.

I couldn't just let him think he could come and go as he pleased.

"What are we doing?" I whispered, It was hard but I didn't want him to think I was someone he could have fun with whenever he please "I- I haven't heard from you for three days...I don't want you to think I'm an easy girl you can have anytime you please" more than I already have. I didn't say the last part out loud though.

"I don't think your an easy girl" the tip of his long fingers met my chin, rising my head to center my eyes on his.

"But I do...Holden I know next to nothing about you and yet I- I..." My chin was now quivering between his thumb, cutting my words off.

"We can change that, we can get to know each other" he suggested softly, his roughened hand caressing my cheeks as his steel pools drilled into my emerald irises.

"I would like that" I smiled up at him relieved that he didn't think I was being over demanding, the fact that he was actually willing to know me meant a lot.

"Savannah, I want you to know that whatever it is that I feel for you isn't child's play, I- um- I don't want you to ever think I'm using you" his eyes hooded over with seriousness, a stern look dusting over his sharp features. The wave of emotions that hit me upon his words was overwhelming, sending my heart into a frenzy.

Holden's plump lips lightly brushed against my temp before he took a step back, the ghost of his lips still lingering on my skin.

"I want to show you something" he jerked his head towards the closed door, his eyes still trained on me.

"What?"

"I'll show you but we have to drive there" it was a highly needed distraction, I would surely go insane if I stayed alone in this small room with my dark thoughts once again.

So, I simply nodded my head, slipping on my shoes that sat at the foot of my bed as he waited patiently outside the open door. Holden's fingers tapping against the steering wheel, a nerves trait he seamed to have, filled the calm silence as he drove towards the unknown location.

Unlike last time, this road seamed familiar. I squinting past my framed spectacles trying to think harder and only succeeding in creating an ache inside my skull. It wasn't until we were parked in front of the familiar large building that it hit me.

The large structure looked even bigger without the thousands of screaming fans. I hadn't quite noticed how prominent it was the last time I had been here, too consumed at not getting swamped by the crowed of overly excited university goers.

"The stadium?" What could he possibly have to show me here? I thought.

"Come on" Holden's deep voice startled me from my thoughts. I hadn't even noticed he had already climbed out of the truck and was now standing beside my open door. He stretched a hand out, helping me down from the raised car.

Holden reached for my hand, tugging me towards him. My eyes moved to our encased hands, butterflies letting loose in the pit of my stomach. His hand much larger than mine completely covered my palm, I could feel how callous they were, probably from years of football and I liked that they were.

I drew my attention from our hands to look around me. Holden led me to a set of double doors, momentarily disconnecting our hands as he held them open above my head. His hands immediately slid back to mine the second I made it through the doors.

My eyes bounced around the empty hallway taking everything in as our footsteps echoed around us. I remained glued to Holden as he steered us towards an opening past the tunnel like hall, stopping by a small gate that reached my thigh.

"Its just past this" Holdens said as he slipped his fingers out of mine, placing his hands at each side of my waist "okay, I'm going to help you get over the gate" I nodded readying myself. He hoisted me over the barrier, the tip of my converse landing lightly on the other side.

I mentally exhaled, glad I didn't plummet to the ground.

Holden simply walked over the gate, his incredibly long legs giving him the advantage, before falling into step with me. Our shoulders brushed every once in a while as we walked, budding an array of pleasure within me. I could make out a steady stream of light the further we got until we finally stood in front of large acres of lush green grass.

I gasped, my eyes widening; not at the field but at the clear sky above it. Thousands upon thousands of brightly lit stars littered the navy sky, the moon amongst them shinning even brighter. It was unlike anything I had ever seen before, I wanted to commemorate it to my head permanently.

"Its amazing isn't it" Holden asked behind me as he took in the glorious night sky with me. I was at loss of words, my eyes never wavering from the sight "come on it gets better" I barely registered his arm draped around my waist as he led me further into the field.

It did in fact get better, now lying on my back at the center of the field I could see further than before. Holden lay beside me pointing out all the different consolations, he sounded excited resiting their names like he had done it all his life.

I listened soundlessly, momentarily getting distracted by the dimpled smile he let wonder onto his face, I wished he'd smile more, it was incredible. I don't think he even knew he was doing it, he looked too carefree; so unlike his usual self, I wouldn't dream of interrupting him though.

His eyes moved to mine as if feeling my stare, the moon light sharpening his already crafted features. His grey eyes had noticeably brightened, the hue around them lighter than before

"You really love this place" I noted. It was obvious.

"Yeah...I do" his eyes flickered around the area before settling back on my own, his features suddenly morphing into sadness "I'm- I'm sorry I didn't contact you earlier, its just Tommy had a relapse on Sunday morning and I had been at the hospital until today, I couldn't" my heart immediately constricted painfully against my chest, my throat suddenly drying up.

"Is- is he okay?" I know I only met him once put he had remained with a large chunk of my heart that day, he was special and I just couldn't help but care for him.

"His fine now...he asked for you a lot" Holden chuckled lightly, but it was dark and distant a drastic change to his earlier mood.

"What's wrong" its not my place to ask, but the words were tumbling out of my mouth.

"My mother...it was her second death anniversary yesterday" he said swallowing roughly while clearing his throat, his palm rubbing the spot above his heart as though he could ease the pain "it shouldn't hurt this much, its just really hard to let go when she was all I ever knew. I wish I had done things differently, that I had more financially to save her" I hardly even noticed the vice like grip he had on my hand until he turned them running his fingers over my knuckles.

"I guess that's why I'm so invested in Tommy; my mother loved him like a son, she watched over him before she died" he looked so far gone, his lips set in a paper thin line as his eyes stared up at the stars "she met him at one of her chemotherapy sessions, she saw how much Knox's was struggling being a single father and immediately offered to look after Tommy, they've been the closest thing I've ever had to a family...am I being selfish for wanting to hold on to Tommy because his a piece of my mother?"

"Your not...you love him. Its not wrong to want to be closer to her" I said while lightly squeezing his hand. He sighed, lifting our hands to brush a chaste kiss on my knuckles.