"I'm sorry" my mother whispered after a few minutes of palpable tension, her eyes remaining firm on the road.

"You were right though, I should know better than to trust blindly" I sighed while watching my reflection on the side mirror ahead of me.

"No, honey. Don't say that, it wasn't your fault. It never has been your fault, okay?" She said sternly.

Why did this suddenly sound like therapy allover again?

"Yeah" I lied through my teeth.

"Was the break in...did something else happen?" She was tumbling over her words, selecting them carefully to make sure they wouldn't offset me.

"Yes" I couldn't keep it from her anymore, she would know eventually.

"What happened?" She asked calmly, I knew she wasn't. Her fingers were tightly wrapped around the steering wheel, resulting in her knuckles paling.

"My second week at the university...I-I went to a party and s- someone tried to force themselves on me" I exhaled willing the words out of my mouth "he said a blonde guy sent him...it was Xander, mum" my voice grew heavier with ever word I muttered.

"What?! Why didn't you tell me!" Gone was her calm exterior, her petit frame going rigid. I watched as she directed the car towards the side of the desolate road, turning off the engine before facing me completely.

"Savannah, you can't just keep things like that from me" her voice cracked considerably, increasing the overpowering guilt I felt "everyday I wake up scared...I'm so- so scared I'll lose you, that I won't be able to help you. Please understand I can't lose you too, I already lost your brother" eyes glazed over as a single tear slipped, her finger quickly dusting it off.

"I didn't want to worry you" I whispered while fumbling with my fingers, the guilt gnawing at my heart.

"Your my baby, its my job to worry about you" she said this while resting her hand over mine, lightly squeezing it. We remained silent for a while, my hand in hers. It wasn't uncomfortable like earlier, this time it was serene and conforming.

"Can we...um...can we visit Blake?" I muttered after the minute tricked to two. I had really missed my brother and was in desperate need to talk to him. He was the only one who listened, he never interrupted nor did he look at me with sympathy. He couldn't.

"Sure" she said quietly, her saddened eyes moving back to the road before starting the engine.

Mentioning my brother had brought a suddenness into the car, both my mother and I remaining silent after my request. I watched as she drove down the familiar dirt road, my throat suddenly feeling like sandpaper.

The road was deserted as usual, very few people came to the grave yard. With how crowded the cemetery was, you would think a considerate amount of people would frequent it. They didn't. My eyes swept over the headstones closest to the fence that were buried under large amounts of dried leaves. At one point a loved one probably left flowers on them every week, but now they were forgotten. Many reduced to just a distant memory. I didn't want Blake to be just another nameless headstone forgotten in a crowded grave yard.

"I'll give you some space" my mother muttered as she parked a little further from the steel gate, her downcast eyes firmly fixed at a distant tree.

I gave her a stiff nod, dragging in a deep breath before cracking my door open. My heart felt heavy as I easily made my way through the concrete path. I had come here enough times to know exactly where everything was, the large oak tree had offered my refuge so many times.

On most of my bad days, I would curl up on the tree with my sketch book in hand and just forget.

I sat on my favourite patch of grass in front of Blake, crossing my legs beneath me. Soft crisped wind blew past me, caressing my briefly. I always liked to believe it was him, that it was his way of acknowledging my presence.

With shaky hands I dusted off the leaves that had littered his grave, the smooth stone that had earlier been hidden displaying his name. I let a single finger dance lightly over his headstone, tracing invisible patterns. My eyes glared heatedly at the white letters in the sea of black, wishing his name would morph into his physical form. Impossible, right?

"I miss you"

I tilted my head towards the grey skies, trying and failing at sucking the tears back into my eyes. Sighing in defeat I let salty tears freely roll down my cheeks, not making a move to wipe them.

"They're back, the nightmares they came back. They are so real...and I'm exhausted, I just want them to stop" I whispered, latching my fingers deeply on a patch of grass beside me. An involuntary shudder wrecked through my body at the memory of dark brown eyes.

"I don't know what to do. I can't talk to mum about it, she'll just make me see doctor Jones again...I- I cant" I tugged on the patch of grass, ripping it of the ground. Therapy did completely nothing except for making my nightmares worse. I would wake up screaming every night, I couldn't even go to school because I was constantly crying. Sometimes the nightmares would be so horrid, I would puke. It is among the never ending list of things I wanted to forget. It was silent for a while, only the distant rustling of leaves filling it as I let myself submerge into my thoughts.

"It isn't like I didn't try because I did, I tried everything Dr Jones told me to. I talked to mum, I drew what I saw and I even tried writing about the nightmares. It didn't work, I was still watching you die over and over again" as usual I was the first to disrupt the silence.

"All I want is a fresh start and for a while I was getting one. I was in collage where no one knew me...no one pitied me. Finally, I was just me not the sad girl that lost her brother. I had a nice roommate and I was okay, but now she probably regrets sharing a room with me. He- he trashed our room last night, he destroyed her things" that was the sad truth, Xander had damaged a lot of Avery's things and it was my fault. I wouldn't blame her if she wanted to switch rooms. I was a walking hazard.

"I...I met someone" I whispered. I could almost see his green eyes squint in disapproval at my statement. Blake had always been an overprotective brother, he was like the looming shadow that hovered over my head. In sixth grade when I had my first kiss, he cornered the guy and threatened to beat him up. Safe to say I had no love life from then.

"You don't have to worry though, I probably ruined whatever we had" I scoffed as my hands worked on the blade of grass between my fingers, cutting it into pieces before letting them fall on my lap.

For a long while I just sat beside Blake, in comfortable silence. Watching as golden brown leaves scurried past us, the soft whispers of the wind conforming me.

It was nice.

Yet again I was the only one to disrupt the silence. My finger went back to tracing the engraving on his stone, an absentminded smile stretching on my lips as I told him about the energetic six year old that happened to share a love for art with me. Tommy was a very lovable person and when you have been in darkness for so long, you crave the smallest glimpse of light. I talked until my heart felt lighter and I was no longer feeling suffocated.

"Bye Blake, I love you" I pressed the tip of my fingers on my lips before resting them on his headstone "thank you for listening to me"

Giving the black headstone one last lingering look, I wrapped my hands around myself before making my way down the winding stone path towards the gate. I expertly weaved through the weathered graves, a throbbing pain stabbing at the center of my chest with each step I took.

"Are you okay?" My mother asked as I claimed back into the car, passing me a sympathetic smile.

"Yeah"

I stared out of the window as she drove down the rough road, wanting to preserve the peace Blake had given me.

I must have been to consumed at ignoring everything around me to notice the black car speeding towards us. My brain was on overdrive as a dreadful ringing occurred in my ears, flashes from four years ago had me stomach wrenching as I heaved dryly.

Not again. Please not again.

The car swerved abruptly, the force of the movement causing the seatbelt to dig into my chest. I cast my eyes to my mother wanting to ensure she was okay. Her face had scrunched up in panic as she struggled with the directions of the steering wheel, the car skewing across the road.

My mother's hand shot to my chest, pushing my body back flash against the seat. Everything seemed to slow down while I watched helplessly as the car lost control.

There was no time to brace for the impact when the car drove into a tree at the side of the road. The sound of crashing metal and breaking glass echoed in my ear, my head flinging forward before roughly retreating to it position against the car seat. I wanted it to end, for all the noise to end.

My mother.

Pain shot through my skull as I struggled to breath, the thick belt constricting my chest. Disregarding my pain, I jerked my eyes towards my groaning mother. I blinked several to get past my hazy vision, gasping at her sight.

A large pool of blood formed on her pressed white blouse, dripping from the gash across her fore head. The sight of blood rose bile to my mouth, blood reminded me of the state Blake was in. I could never bare the sight of it.

I ripped the seatbelt off of me, the swaying in my head causing my vision to blur. I cried out in relief when I saw her chest rising and falling, she was alive. Fighting against the pain I reached out to help her, I had learnt my lesson. I wouldn't dare repeat my mistakes.

The sound of heavy footsteps approaching the car offered my slight relief as I cranked the door open, my arm screaming in agony the whole time.

"My...mother help...help her" I tried to say, but it came out slow and slurred.

A wet clothe was harshly pressed over my face, acid air immediately burning my throat. I was struggling to wane the foreign hands off me but the person was too strong. The burning sensation clawed at my chest as I slipped in and out of consciousness before I was consumed in darkness, the fleeting thought of my mother haunting me.