"So, will you come with me?"

"I don't know," I mumbled dejectedly whilst my shoulders sagged "I've never been comfortable with being away from home."

"They have coffee in Boston." Holden tried to impel my decision, poking at my caffeine addiction.

"My brother isn't in Boston though," however much the nativity inside me wanted to ignore all possible logic, that wasn't me. I was one of the people that lived in their head, I thoroughly thought out every decision I made, life had taught me to. Since Holden, I hadn't been that girl. I was constantly acting on impulses I usually never would, an example being my midnight ambush.

Holden's taut muscles accentuated the stiff stretch of silence. His usually formidable expression had moulded into one of anxiousness, his steel irises glued on the tiled floor. At the time I couldn't tell if it was due to my reluctance or something else entirely, but later on I would wish he had kept it to himself.

"But this is bigger than just you and me, its about Tommy too." I don't want to be selfish and influence his decision, I would rightfully let go of him if it ever came to that. It would break me apart but at least I'd know I did it for Tommy.

"I need to tell you something," Holden said, above a whisper. The ridge on his neck undulate as he gulped largely, the veins on his forearm becoming more pronounced.

"What?"

Distinguishable fear bubbled in my chest at the sudden obesity of tense energy. Apologetic grey eyes momentarily trained on my green ones, wavering immediately to the ground.

The barrier crawling up my throat restricted the air circulation to my lungs, creating a painful sting under the cage of my chest. My heart was pounding adamantly against the walls of my ribcage, an ominous ringing invading my head.

I knew whatever he was about to say would be ground moving; be it, from his robotic movements or the apprehensiveness in his eyes. After few torturous minutes of Holden hesitantly moving to his built-in dresser, he retrieved a brown journal-like notebook.

My heart threatened to rip out of its confines as I zeroed my gaze on the object clenched in his fist. I couldn't see past the harmless collection of pages that held the horrors of my teenage years, the thought of it being in his possession sickened me.

"Is-is that...?"

The lodge in my throat caused my strained words to sound hoarse and pained, the walls caving in. His steps staggered inconspicuously, but he never met my dread filled eyes. My quivering fingers unthinkingly gripped on the outstretched book. The rough texture of the cover felt unfamiliar beneath my fingers, even though it had been my only confidant for close to a year.

"I found it under the willow tree," he mumbled after unsuccessfully clearing the emotion from his voice.

"You knew," I quipped in accusation. It would explain why he seemed so guilt ridden, why he wouldn't even look me in the eye "you knew and you still made me tell you."

"I'm sorry." He said softly as he reached out for me. I violently wrenched away from him as the first sob tore through my chest.

"Don't touch me," I spat, using my arm to regain the distance between us. My lungs screamed in agony as they expanded to accommodate the large breath I had drawn "How much do you know?"

"Everything."

Shredded glass sliced my heart as I felt myself being crushed by the pressure of my once again unfolding past. So maybe I had only surfaced my words when I recounted them to him. However, when I scribbled in that notebook, I was being transparently honest. Now he knew, he knew the details of my unfolding past that I'd never share.

"Stay away from me," my raspy voice instructed whilst I maneuvered away from him once he tried to step closer. Betrayal hauntingly seeped into my eyes as I thought of how long he had known. I lost the book around a year ago, I didn't think it would crawl itself back into my life. Not this way, not when I was finally letting go.

"When I found it, you were just the girl I watched from afar. I didn't think I would ever get to know you," daggers wrenched on my skin at the his reddened eyes, the hurt I felt wavering "it doesn't justify what I did, but I don't want to keep lying to you. I'm sorry."

"You had no right," I choked out despite the heavy tears pooling in my eyelids "those were the damaging parts of my life. I didn't want you to know, I didn't want anyone to know."

"I'm sorry." It was undetectable but I didn't miss the shakiness in his rugged tone.

"It's not that easy!"

"Where are you going?" He asked panicked, his artistic fingers wrapping around my bicep. He hastily untangled his fingers from me at the blistering heat from my glare.

"To my room." I said harshly, groaning when he blocked my path again. I blinked away my tears, aiming to look less pathetic than I felt.

"Let me take you...please."

Holden's distress was vividly tangible as his pleading eyes willed me to comply to his request. I was still hurt and insanely betrayed but his eyes were my undoing, their desperation coaxing me to agree.

Impenetrable tension lay barely in the car as Holden's motionlessly steered the car. I could feel his eyes on the side of my face, I never acknowledged it, I'd rather not. I had positioned myself so far up against the car door, it was laughable. During the whole time, I stared out at the opaque darkness, occasionally glaring at the notebook rested on my thigh.

"I love you."

Holden whispered after minutes of stiff silence. I couldn't take it, he was being sincere and wedging himself back into my heart. I wanted to be able to hate him for what he did, but I couldn't find it in myself to feel anything but love for him.

Despite my fogy vision, I managed to unlatch the door with the first try. I didn't spare Holden a backward glance, my converse blurring as I ran into the dorm building. Warm liquid trickled to the base of my chin as I bit my lips to disguise my sobs.

"Savannah?" Avery's sleep ridden voice asked as she opened the door. Her droopy eyes immediately widened in alarm at my pathetic state "oh my God, what's wrong? Is Tommy okay?"

"He's okay," I managed to whisper as she led me to my bed "...Holden lied to me."

"Was it a big lie?" She asked while mimicking my quiet tone, seating beside me. She rubbed my shoulder comfortingly, overlooking her curiosity.

"A massive one."

Avery's bony arms wrapped around me, pushing my trembling shoulders against her chest. The hug was greatly uncomfortable, and the awkward rubbing she was doing did nothing for my distress but I appreciated it. I needed it.

"I-I don't know what to think. He apologized...I want to be mad at him, but I can't." I tightly shut my eyes as never ending tears swelled in them. A gut-wrenching heartbreak ripped through me severally with every sob. I was too conflicted about Holden.

"Did he mean it?" I didn't answer her, remaining stiff headed as I thought back to the unadulterated honesty in his eyes "talk to him, you'll regret it if you don't."

That night, the reason for my sleeplessness wasn't an attempt to play evasive with my nightmares. I thought and rethought my response to Holden's revelation. I recounted how he made me feel, how drastically I had evolved since I met him.

Maybe what I had concluded wasn't the wisest, but it was Holden and I, we definitely weren't perfect.