《The 48 Laws of Power in Practice》Law 38: Think as You Like but Behave Like Others

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When you act too differently, people will think you are either seeking attention or are looking down upon them. Either way, you will be punished.

While Western cultures value individualism over collectivism, in many countries, there is a version of the saying "the nail that sticks out, gets hammered". Meaning people who stand out will be punished by society. But even in societies that value the individual, there are popular opinions and the formation of groups. People will find that they meet less opposition from others, if they can find things they have in common rather than what sets them apart.

Another example is how ostentatious people are with wealth. People who come from generational wealth have learned to keep a low profile, to avoid being flashy and causing resentment. The term "new money" is used as an insult to refer to the newly rich who flaunt their wealth tactlessly. Think of the Great Gatsby or more recently Bling Empire, the characters Anna vs Christine.

When I was in sixth grade, my family moved cross-country. Our new home was in a large apartment complex, where there were many kids in the same school district. It was a hard transition moving from the east coast to the west, at a time when everyone else seemed to know each other.

I often interacted with the other kids but had a hard time making real friendships. (I remember reading a lot of books in that year.) As the only child of immigrants, my knowledge of American social norms was below average at best. My ingrained values included honesty and generosity. As well as trying hard at everything, which we already established that people despise. At first glance, these values don't seem to be at odds with anyone. But as a kid, I was naive and took them to extremes.

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I was quite literal and trusting. I remember the kids around me competing to come up with lies, to test my gullibility. One time, a few people even acted out a completely made-up scenario just to see how long I would believe it. I had no clue until they finally burst out in laughter hours later. Mostly, I didn't understand why kids played this way.

When my parents would buy me new clothes once a year, someone always asked to borrow them in the first week. So I would lend out my new jacket, or favorite pair of jeans. And then never see them again. As a result, I got scolded for "losing" my things and ended up having to wear ragged old clothes I had grown out of.

The important lesson here is not to practice your values indiscriminately, without knowing the people around you. An article I read early in my professional career made a big impact on me. It described the three types of people you can find at any workplace, which I believe applies more broadly as well. Some people are generous givers while others tend to only reciprocate as much you give to them. And then there are those people that only take and don't give back. If you pay attention to people's actions, it's not difficult to identify which category they fall into.

You can't interact with everyone the same way. Today, I still have the same values, but I'm much more careful with how and to whom I express myself.

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