《critique shop》B1 | 03
Advertisement
My feedbacks mean no offense to the author and it's story. These are solely intended for the betterment of your work. You may find some words offending, so feel free to pm me for any concerns. I am only trying to point out your mistake based on my perspectives.
This contains spoilers, Beware.
Typos and errors ahead as well.
▪ The title was really unique, and catchy for me, wala pa akong nakikitang may ganitong title na kaparehas mo. Also, good job for not capitalizing the word 'the' in your title. All I could say is, simple yet good!
▪ the cover was also beautiful, kitang-kita at mababasa talaga ang title. Though for me, it is not catchy enough since the genre of your story is teen fiction. Parang general fiction lang ang nakita kong vibes sa cover. It was sort of, lacking the main genre of the story.
The way you delivered the blurb was really nice. And it actually made me curious of why is Jack like that towards Calliope? The way you leave some questions in the blurb pushed me to read the story and know why does Jack treat Cal like that.
▪ You said that the genre of your story is teen fiction, well of course it is since the characters are still students. Though I think the story would fit in the romance story since nagpo-focus siya kina Jack at Cal.
▪ I also kinda find the plot cliche but it's good, the way you narrate their thoughts and feelings, excellent I must say!
▪ You described the characters well in the story, especially the mains. They were so vivid to imagine.
▪ My first impression of her was just a normal girl who focuses on studying, but later on, will fall in love with the male lead. I honestly like her personality, I could literally relate some things to her. Nagustuhan ko rin ang pagiging palabiro niya, at close sa mga kaibigan niya, namely Sof and Ham.
Advertisement
▪ Since it was all Cal's perspective, hindi ko alam kung bakit talaga ganoon ang pakikitungo niya kay Cal. Ang alam ko lang is cold and flat-faced siya pagdating kay Cal. Na-imagine ko rin talaga kung ano ang itsura niya thanks to Cal.
▪ I was okay with Val, he is very protective when it comes to his sister, Cal. He was my ideal brother!
▪ My only concern is, medyo nakulangan lang ako ng pagkaka-introduce and describe sa mga kaibigan niya. Though they are not the main, it is important to describe and introduce them.
▪ Medyo nalilito lang kasi ako sa mga voice nila. Parang pare-parehas lang silang lahat ng tone and rhythm of the voice kaya naguguluhan ako kung sino ang nagsasalita.
Use "rin" if the word before it ends in a vowel (a, e, i, o, u) or a consonant that sounds like a vowel - "w" and "y". For the other letters, use "din".
▪ The reason for "w" and "y" is because they can produce sounds like the vowels "u" and "i", respectively, as word endings. For example, "araw" may sound like "arau" and "bahay" may sound like "bahai".
❌ palang
✔ pa lang
❌ na lang
✔ na lang
▪ When we are using the words nag, pag, and mag, + the english word, do not forget to use dash (-). (From what I know)
❌ magsosorry
✔ magso-sorry
❌ magthank you
✔ mag-thank you
❌ magjejet ski
✔ magje-jet ski
▪ Also the action, and dialogue tags. Nakakaligtaan lang ito minsan sa ibang chapter. We use period (.) If the sentence is indicating an action of the character. And comma (,) if it's only a dialogue. We could use exclamation points, question marks, et cetera in both tags.
▪ I like the way how you shift from english, to tagalog. I could also see how you are fluent in english. And you used formalities in writing every chapter kaya hindi boring basahin ang kada chapters since kaabang-abang sila.
Advertisement
▪ I've noticed that you also used the five senses when it comes to writing the setting if the story, it seems so fresh and very imaginable.
> Your story has great potential! Just take time to edit the small errors so that readers could see how hardworking you are when writing every chapters.
Ken'nichiwa! Congratulations, your story really reached my liking! I was at awe when I'm ready every chapter. It's very joyous and splendid!
Kindly pm me after on my main account so we could discuss more about this.
Again, thank you for letting me criticize your story although I didn't see any major errors as such. If you have concerns regarding this critique, kindly pm me so I would know.
Continue shining, and writing until you've embraced the precious and luminous future that's waiting for you.
Thank u!
Advertisement
- In Serial30 Chapters
Cary Simms: The Fairy Mushroom Forest
From a young age, Cary Simms knew that she wasn't like the other boys her age. She didn't know why or how that was, but it seemed apparent to the bullies of her school. They would often call her names, chase after her after school, and beat her up when they could catch her. Her only protection, besides escape, was in the words of the Good Book. But that was before she stumbled into the supposedly haunted house at the end of her street. When a mysterious ring and a drawing on the back wall of the post office opened up a whole new world for her, things quickly went from weird to scary. At a new school, in a new world, surrounded by people who had access to magic, all Cary could think of was how to escape the witches that had her trapped there. It was only having her best friend by her side that gave her any comfort at all. ***This is my first attempt at a middle grade book, and would appreciate feedback. Please note, this is a second draft, and might not represent the final product.***
8 87 - In Serial12 Chapters
System Discovered!
Press Start, Book 1 of the System Discovered! series is now published on Amazon and is available to read for free to those with Kindle Unlimited. Due to the exclusivity clause, I was required to take down most of the chapters for book 1. The first few chapters are still available here and you can read book 1 in its entirety here. For those that have already read it you can jump to book two here. Dean Parker likes to play classic video games. When he found his old consol from when he was a kid he dusts it off and sets it up. He played his old games but he had finished them all long ago. So what does he do? He takes a trip to the local game shop to browse the used titles. Browsing the old cartridges he finds one that he never heard of. Dark Ages: The Death of Magic. When a store attendant tells him that game is rumored to never have been beaten he had to have it. Occupying all his free time he finally beats the unbeatable game. What happens next he never would have guessed. He is introduced to the system. Something that has always existed but not everyone knew about. Join Dean as he is introduced to the seedy underbelly of the world. One where the myths of magic from the past read like history. Joined by his childhood friend he must survive in a world of magic hidden from everyone. A world that has remained secret through the blood of those who have discovered it. And to top it all off, his childhood friend, his best friend, isn’t even human.
8 188 - In Serial12 Chapters
SWTOR: The Alpha Legacy - Alexandra 'Under the Black'
This was the first character backstory and first full story in The Old Republic era after 'Project Alpha: A Summary: 'Old Republic to Current Operational Era'. This one was actually written much later. Several of the full stories were done and there was a need to introduce the Mother of several of the main characters. Much later on I started a timeline and this seemed to fit nowhere else, but right after the introduction story: Alexandra De'nabre lost everything on one of the moons of Felucia. But life found her again. As a Mirialan Jedi, she was sworn to the Unity and to the Force; casting both away once she believed both left her. The Force finds her again. And brings her back a part of her life she believed she lost. Her children. But in a cruel twist of fate, the very Republic she once defended is suddenly out to get her. Not because in her new life as an infamous pirate she committed crimes against them. The children she lost are now wards of the Republic and a special project called: Alpha. And they will stop at nothing to keep Alexandra from reclaiming them.
8 154 - In Serial43 Chapters
Reincarnator’s Road to World Domination
Hello, there dearest friends, What is it that your heart desires the most? Fame? Money? Power?Well, I could solve that for you. Just follow this simple guide.1. DIE2. ????3. Profit
8 133 - In Serial72 Chapters
The Cursed Black Hero
Summoned in another world, the class where Kyoushiro Kagami were summoned was none other than a fantasy one. Believed to be a Demon Spawn that came from the Demon God, Kyoushiro was ostracize more than his classmates and teacher were.Having a few girls falling for him, him and the others strive to save the world they were summoned in; in order for them to go home.Kyoushiro however, suffered from being betrayed by a classmate which lead him to feel deep hatred towards the person that used him...
8 166 - In Serial16 Chapters
basically a smut book 🤭......
8 139
Prev Chap
Next Chap
Chap List
Boy
Girl
