My critiques mean no offense to the story nor author. These are solely intended for the betterment of your work, thus it does not mean to hurt you in any way. If you have concerns regarding this critique, kindly send me a private message. Everything stated here came from my own opinion and perspective which may or may not differ from others.

This contains spoilers, beware.

This is a rough draft.

By the word ravaged, it means something severely damaged or ruined. So, if you'll make the title simpler, it'll be damaged kiss (?) And basing from the first ten chapters, the meaning behind the title wasn't that justified at all. Though since it's I only read the early chapters, that much is understandable. However, please provide some foreshadowings as to why the title of the story is like that. Nevertheless the title is interesting for a teen fiction. Kudos to that!

▪ The cover looks simple as it is. It portrays a woman---probably Natasha. However, the cover didn't convey the title. Kumbaga, parang hindi gaanong napanindigan ng pabalat iyong mismong pamagat ng kuwento. So consider changing your book cover and do make sure that it will convey and justify the title of the story.

Sa tingin ko mas angkop at maganda kung iisang pangalan lang ng mga karakter ang gagamitin mo sa deskripsyon at sa mismong kuwento. Bakit? Kasi nakakalito. Noong deskripsyon pa lang ang binasa ko, tumatak na sa isip ko na ang pangalan ng babaeng bida ay Luna, at sa lalaki naman ay Sol. Pero no'ng nabasa ko na 'yong unang mga kabanata, napa-huh na lang ako dahil iba ang pangalan ng mga karakter. Imbes na Luna at Sol, naging Natasha at Axis. At saka ko lang napagtantong iisa lang pala sila noong binanggit ng ibang mga karakter ang buong pangalan nila (mostly Sol only). Secondly, please remove the "most" in the beggining because it's redundant to the "well-known". Sunod, huwag mong ika-capitalize ang unang letra ng salita kung bago nito ay kama---maliban na lang kung proper noun ito. Next, what do you exactly mean by "smart mouth"? Because as far as I know, there's no such thing as that. The underlined sentence "feared woman in her group" doesn't also seem to fit in with the others. So please do reconstruct them. Moving on, please refrain from using tooo many tenses in one paragraph. Use one as much as possible and be precise on whether what you've provided in the description has happened, is happening, or will be happening. Wrapping all up the description, it's pretty bland. The impact it needs to hook a reader is lacking thus it's uniqueness as well. I think it would be great if had you somehow connected the title's meaning to the description and had you left some questions there.

▪ Stating that the character is here and there isn't enough for readers to be able to build the worldbuiling of the story. In describing the setting of the story, it is important and necessary to use the five senses (sight, sound, smell, taste & touch). For example, Natasha is in a Japanese restaurant. What does she see? What does she hear? What does she smell? What did it make her feel when she took a portion of sushi or the hot soup? Did it sting her tongue? Was it scrumptious or just average? What did it make her feel when she touched the food or utensils? Was it clean or cold because of the airconditioning? And by using all of these senses, what did she feel about them? What were her thoughts about them? Refrain from just telling that the character is here and there because your characters are humans, they have senses. Try to put yourself in their situation. When you're going to places, don't you normally roam around your surroundings and observe using your five senses especially your eyes? Moving on, the tone and mood. Instead of saying the characters' tone & emotions, show it. Because just by telling us that Natasha's upset or angry isn't enough nor convincing. What do you normally feel when you're upset? Somehow, you have the urge to punch someone in the face, right? How about when you're sad? Don't you feel something heavy weighing in your chest? Don't you feel like you've lost something you don't know? Don't you feel empty? Describe how the character is feeling a certain emotion. The words you'll use must be convincing in a way that the readers could actually feel the emotion lingering within your characters.

Natasha

▪ In the description you provided, it was stated there that Natasha's well-known for fighting, and racing. She's also the most feared woman in her group. But what's stated or what she's showing in the actual story doesn't support on what's on the description. Kumbaga, parang bluff lang iyong nakalagay sa deskripsyon mo. Hindi ko gaanong ramdam lalo na iyong siya ang pinakakinatatakutang babae sa grupo niya. Make her personalities and traits more convincing. Also, if she's "well-known" for her skills in fighting, then how come the students in her school aren't scared of her? Do the students don't feel any fear for her? Or are her personalities are only well-known within her group? If so, please do reconstruct your sentence in your description to avoid misunderstandings. Next, Natasha's vague for me. Her character is pretty unrealistic. In what way? She's still a teen and yet she's great at fighting and racing? Moreover, she doesn't seem to have any weaknesses or flaws that makes her character more unrealistic and vague. Keep in mind, you are writing a teen fiction novel. Make your character relatable and realistic. Moreover, give her some uniqueness and backgrounds in a way that readers can remember what and who she is. Give her the life she needs in her story.

Axis

Axis on the other hand, is also quite vague. Parang pareho lang sila ng pov ni Natasha. Pareho lang ang tone at mood ng dalawa, walang pinagkaiba. His character isn't really that convincing. I think it would be great if you could show us how much he loves/loved Chelsea before they broke up. Kasi hindi ko maramdaman iyong pinaghuhugutan niya. Hindi ko maramdaman 'yong mga emosyon niya noong nalaman niyang niloloko siya ni Chelsea. Parang ang kinalabasan niyan ay instinct na lang kay Axis na dapat siyang magalit dahil naloko siya. Dapat mayroon siyang malalim na pinaghuhugutan kung bakit gano'n na lang ang galit at mga emosyong nararamdaman niya. Bigyan mo ng lalim ang karakter niya, author. Give him justifiable reasons and emotions. Gaya no'ng sinabi ko, magagawa mo ito kung ipapakita mo muna kung gaano niya kamahal ang girlfriend niya bago nangyari 'yong suliranin. Pati rin sa kaibigan niyang si Drake. Hindi ko kasi talagang completely na naramdaman 'yong betrayal na nangyari sa kaniya. Kaya, Palalimin mo pa ang relasyon niya sa mga kaibigan niya at kay Chelsea. Moving on, medyo naging vague din siya sa part na kinalaban niya si Natasha. I mean, yes, the reason was there, it was justifiable. However, the depth of the reason wasn't deep. 'Yong lalim ng pinaghuhugutan ng emosyon at pagkilos niya ay sobrang babaw. Hindi ko ramdam 'yong galit niya noon kay Natasha. As I've said earlier, bigyan mo siya ng buhay at emosyon na nararapat sa kaniya. Hindi siya dekorasyon lang sa kuwento, kundi siya at si Natasha ang pinaghuhugutan ng kuwento.

Side Characters (Natasha's friends & Axis' family)

▪ Just because their side characters in the story doesn't mean you don't have to necessarily focus on them, no. Every character is important for the process of the story to run gracefully. Firstly, let's talk about Natasha's friends: Xander, Lexi, and Priya. To be honest, all of them are vague. They seemed so flat and dull. They strongly lacked the life of a human. Instead of telling us that Lexi and Priya are war freaks, show us. Rather than telling us what their characteristics are, show us because showing is effective to convince the readers that this are their personalities and that. Secondly, Axis' family. I couldn't feel their sincerity and love for Axis at all. It's as if I only know that they do care for him and love him, but I couldn't feel it. I think it'd be great if you could show us how and what their relationship is. Give them backgrounds and uniqueness. Provide them emotions and life. Please balance your spotlights between the main and side characters because all of them play a role, and are important to the story. Also, one way to make all of these characters vivid is by describing their physical appearance. For example, their skin tone, hair and eye color, et cetera.

Structure

▪ The structure of the story is still relatively unstable. Enhance your skills more on your worldbuilding and don't focus too much on the plot of the story. Sure, it's vital in the story but you must balance it together with the other elements of the story to avoid lacks. Focus on your characters. Give them depths, uniqueness, and personalities. Because most of them are kinda vague. Keep in mind, characters aren't designs in your story. They're not something that doesn't require backgrounds, emotions et cetera. They are alive, they are humans, they are important. So make them vivid enough in a way that we, readers, can be able to tell each of your characters by their acts, mannerisms, dialogues, and emotions. One way to make them vivid enough is by showing us their personalities and traits instead of telling. Oh, and I'm not talking about your main characters but also each and everyone of your characters in your story. Give them the life they need, author.

Conflict

▪ I could sense the conflict in the story because of the little foreshadowings, kudos on that, and keep it up!

Sequencing

▪ The opening of the story isn't that convincing. It strongly lacked the impact it needs to hook a readers interest. It would be great if you could somehow revise it or change it. Play with your words, widen your creativity and imagination. The opening of the story must hold a great impact since it'll be the one to pique your reader's interest. Next, please make sure that the scenes you put in your chapters contribute something to the plot of the story and not only a filler. Though what is a filler? It's somehow a scene or part of a chapter that doesn't make any sense or does not seem to contribute significantly to the story. Avoid doing this. Because if you do, the story's progress would be slow, and boring. The parts where Natasha gets bullied by the school's mean girls, and some scene that happens in their school are pretty common. Be creative, widen your imagination. At least, avoid the cliché types of scenes, rather, give your readers scenes that can only be found in your story. And of course, make sure that the scenes you'll provide will benefit something to the story's plot. Instead of putting unnecessary scenes that can be axed off, be straightforward and put what's needs to be put. Kumbaga, 'wag ka ng magpaligoy-ligoy pa kasi magiging boring ang kalalabasan ng kuwento. Kasi sobrang nabagalan ako ro'n sa progress ng kuwento, lalo na sa part na misyon nilang mahanap ang simbolo. I've seen some scenes that somehow doesn't make any sense, so please look into it and axe it off.

>| Wastong paggamit ng "rin, raw, rito, riyan" at "din, daw, dito, diyan"

▪ Ginagamit ang "rin, raw, rito, riyan" kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa patinig (a, e, i, o, u). Ginagamit din ito kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa mga katinig na "w, y," dahil katunog lamang nito ang mga patinig.

▪ Habang ang "din, daw, dito, diyan" ay ginagamit kapag ang huling letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa mga katinig (b, c, d, f...). Ito rin ay ginagamit kapag ang huling dalawang letra bago nito ay nagtatapos sa "ra, re, ri, ro, ru, ray, raw".

Halimbawa:

❌ - Kami lang ni Priya ang nakatira rito.

✔ - Kami lang ni Priya ang nakatira dito.

❌ - Ngunit mas marami daw ang mga bully.

✔ - Ngunit mas marami raw ang mga bully.

>| Wastong paggamit ng "nang" at "ng".

▪ Ginagamit ang "nang" kapag sinasagot ang tanong na paano, gaano, at kapag inuulit ang kilos.

▪ Ginagamit naman ang "ng" kapag sinasagot ang tanong na ano at kapag nagsasaad ng pagmamay-ari.

Halimbawa:

❌ - May hawak itong gitara habang kinakanta ang awitin na ikinadurog NG sobra ng aking puso.

✔ - May hawak siyang gitara habang kinakanta ang awitin na ikinadurog NANG sobra ng aking puso.

❌ - Wala akong magawa kundi ang umiyak NG palihim.

✔ - Wala akong magawa kundi ang umiyak NANG palihim.

❌ - Pinaharurot niya ito NG mabilis.

✔ - Pinaharurot niya ito NANG mabilis.

❌ - Hindi siya makatingin NG deretso sa akin.

✔ - Hindi siya makatingin NANG deretso/diretso sa akin.

❌ - Ngumiti ito NG malaki sa akin.

✔ - Ngumiti siya NANG malawak sa akin.

❌ - Mabilis kong hinawakan NG mahigpit ang kaniyang panga.

✔ - Mabilis kong hinawakan NANG mahigpit ang kaniyang panga.

❌ - Nakakagalaw pa naman ako NG maayos.

✔ - Nakagagalaw pa naman ako NANG maayos.

>| Incorrect & correct usage of words.

❌ - tignan, nilaghok, ikukwento, tenga

✔ - tingnan, nilagok; ikukuwento, tainga

❌ - sa'yo, nalang, palang, na'to, sainyo

✔ - sa 'yo, na lang, pa lang , na 'to, sa inyo

❌ - niyo

✔ - ninyo/n'yo

❌ - isa't-isang, iba't-ibang

✔ - isa't isang, iba't ibang

❌ - nung, ganun

✔ - noong/no'ng, ganoon/gano'n

❌ - na saan (na saan si Chelsea?)

✔ - nasaan/nasa'n

❌ - nagsipagbatihan, tutuk, nababauhan, rumehisto, ranko, gwardia, nakayukom, bungulan

✔ - nagsipagbatian, tutok, nababahuan, rumehitro, ranggo, guwardiya, nakakuyom, bulungan

❌ - kay sa (Maganda ang loob nito, mas maganda kay sa sa café shop.)

✔ - kaysa (Maganda ang loob nito, mas maganda kaysa sa café shop.)

>| Misspelled Filipino Words and Phrases

1. Kadalasan o palagi ang may u sa pagitan ng k at w.

✅Kuwento, kuweba, kuwaderno, kuwago, engkuwentro

❌Kwento, kweba, kwaderno, kwago, engkwentro

Halimbawa:

a. Si Jacob at Jose ay nagkaroon ng engkuwentro; kamao sa kamao.

b. Ang mga mata ni Therese ay nagmistulang sa kuwago dahil siya'y kulang sa tulog.

2. Kadalasan o palagi ang may i sa pagitan ng "ns" at "y".

✅Probinsiya, konsensiya, ahensiya, pasensiya, ebidensiya

❌probinsya, konsensya, ahensya, pasensya, ebidensya

Halimbawa:

a. Si Jacob ay walang konsensiya kay Jose

.

b. "Huwag mong ubusin ang pasensiya ni Therese! Mumurahin ka niyan."

3. ✅Mapagpakumbaba

❌Mapagkumbaba

Halimbawa:

a. Si Maria ay isang mapagpakumbabang tao.

4. Kadalasan o palagi ang may i bago ang pandiwang nagsisimula sa katinig.

✅itinuturo, itinimbog, itinatampok, ipinagpapalagay

❌tinuturo, tinimbog, tinatampok, pinagpapalagay

a. "Itinuturo mo sa akin ang kasalananang ginawa mo, ganoon ka ba kakapal? " asik ni Therese.

b. "Alam mo ba? Itinatampok daw ni Mareng Jessica ngayon ang mga memes ni Reign."

5. ✅alaala, katakataka(halaman)

❌ala-ala, kataka-taka

a. Presko pa sa alaala ni Levi ang ginawa niyang pananampal sa kubrador ng utang.

b. Dahil dakilang plantita si Elise, nagtanim siya ng katakataka sa kaniyang bakuran.

6. ❌ano man, nino man, sino man, saan man, kailan man

✔anuman, ninuman, sinuman, saanman, kailanman

a. "Hindi ko makakalimutan ang ginawa mo kailanman! " puno nang emosyong saad ni Princess habang lumuluha.

b. Kung sino man ang tumututol sa kasalang ito ay maari nang lumayas.

7. ✅Natutuhan

❌natutunan

Halimbawa:

a. Hindi pa rin niya tuluyang natutuhan kung paano mahalin ang kaniyang sarili.

8. ✅Komento, konsensiya, koleksiyon, koneksiyon, kompanya

❌kumento, kunsensiya, kuleksiyon, kuneksiyon, kumpanya

9. Parehong "maya-maya" ang isda at pang-abay. Ginagamitan ng malaking titik ang isda kung gagamitin ito sa isang pangungusap, talata o sulatin kasama ng pang-abay na kapangalan nito. Maaari ding gamitan ito ng malaking titik (na siyang karaniwang paraan ng pagsusulat sa mga species ng isda) kahit hindi nito kasama ang pang-abay na maya-maya

✅Maya-maya, Maya-Maya (isda)

❌mayamaya, Mayamaya

a. Paboritong isda ni Haniel ang Maya-maya.

b. Maya-maya't lamang ay lalabas na ang panauhin ni Shannah.

10. Sinu-sino at Anu-ano ang tamang pagbaybay kapag nagtatanong. Sino-sino at Ano-ano naman kapag nagsasalaysay.

✅Sinu-sino ang mga miyembro ng Critic Team?

❌Sino-sino, Sino sino, Sinu sino

❌Kung sino-sino na ang nakatikim ng kaniyang putahe.

✔Sinu-sino, Sinu sino, sino sino

11. Sino + ang

✅"Sino'ng umubos ng tilapya ko?" tanong ni Aegir.

❌Sinong, Sinung

Sino + na = Sinong

✅Walang kahit na sinong traydor ang puwede sa grupong ito!

❌Sinung, Sino'ng

Ano + ang = Ano'ng

Ano + na = Anong

12. ✅Puwede

❌Pwede, Pwide, P'wede, Pupuwede, Pup'wede, Pipwede, Pipuwede

13.Hindi dapat pinaghihiwalay ang mga katinig kapag naglalagay ng gitlapi.

✅Plinano, Grinipo, Trinumpo, Brinaso, Trinato, Trinaydor

❌Pinlano, Ginripo, Tinrumpo, Binraso, Tinrato, Tinraydor

a. Plinano ni Austin ang lahat para mapabagsak si Ali.

14. Ang unlaping i- at gitlaping -in- aynpalagian o kadalasang magkasama. Walang unlaping ini- sa unahan ng mga katinig.

✅ihinahabilin, ilinilihim, ilinathala, ipinaliwanag, idinulog, iginuhit, iginiit, ikinababagabag

❌inihahabilin, inililihim, inilathala, inipaliwanag, inidulog, inigiit, inikababagabag