"I can't show you who I am."

~

Everyone has the side of them that they just can't show.

There's the girl who shuts the rest of the world out. Who's reserved. Scared. Broken. Afraid. Angry. Who puts on that "mean girl" face just to cover up her scars.

There's the boy who is always laughing. Always talking. Making jokes. But who is dealing with something at home.

Maybe they can help each other. If they let down their walls and stop running away.

~

Skye Johnson was okay- you could say cheerful- until her father died. That's when the abuse started. After that she became a stone that could never break.

Lucas Apollo has to tell jokes to cover up what he is going through. He seems perfectly fine, but he isn't. His mother left him and his father never seems to have time for him. And to top it all off, his step mom says appalling and nasty things to him every day.

The photo quality is nice, and the title is clearly presented. However, I see no creativity in your cover. I've seen this photo used quite often for Wattpad books, and you could do more experimenting with the title font, sizing, and presenting. What filters can you add to the photo as well? Overall, you could keep the photo as it is, but I wasn't impressed. I suggest requesting for a new cover from a cover designer on Wattpad.

I can see a clear connection from your title to your story. It makes sense. However, the title is impressive on its own. It's bordering on generic and is similar to many titles I've seen on Wattpad; easily forgettable. Is there any unique title you could use, something that could capture the interest of potential readers? It can be a unique phrase or object, and as you continue writing, title ideas will probably come to mind. There's no problem with keeping the title as it is now, but if you find a better alternative, I suggest you use it.

There are three things I found wrong with your blurb. First, your blurb is too long. You have unnecessary information here, and half of your blurb could be removed. Second, your blurb looks unfinished. It doesn't have a note of finality after the last sentence, and I was expecting something to close off your synopsis. Lastly, you could restructure some sentences. I found some sentence structures to be awkward and could be tightened. For example, you wrote incomplete sentences. "But who is dealing with something at home" is a continuation of the topic of your prior sentence, but since it has a direct relation, it should be continued with a semicolon or comma, not a period. I found this to be common in your blurb, making your sentences sound broken and awkward. I'm not sure if this is purposeful or not, but it isn't grammatically accurate, so I suggest you fix these. If you mean to portray these as almost poem type structures as your style, then I suggest you separate these sentences into their own paragraphs. That way, your readers will know it's intentional.

Considering that your hook is two words, there isn't much I can say about it. I did enjoy how you started off the story with a poem type preface. It shows off the capability of your writing and has an aesthetic side to it that impressed me. Well done!

There were three problems I found with your writing. The first one is your use of commas. While occasionally you left out a comma, most times you actually used unnecessary commas that could be removed. Keep in mind that the basic rule for commas is that they're used to separate different topics of a sentence. Next time you think about using a comma, ask yourself why you're using it, and if it's necessary. A mistake I see often with a lot of people is that they use commas because they think it sounds right, but it's actually grammatically accurate. So don't wing it, and if struggle with commas, you can do more research on your own or use a helpful writing site (ProWritingAid) to point out where you need a comma, and why.

The second problem I found were your tense slip-ups. This type of mistake dominated most of what I've pointed out in your chapter reviews. Your story is set in past tense, which means you should be using words such as "didn't" and "was." In writing past tense, you have to write as though your character is just experiencing those things, but write it in past tense. For example, saying "she gasped" is showing what your character is going through that moment, but still writing it in the past. I suggest going through and thoroughly editing your chapters to get rid of these tense slip-ups. I've also pointed a few of them for you in your chapter reviews.

The last minor problem I caught was your punctuation and capitalization at the end of your sentences, primarily your dialogue sentences. In a dialogue sentence, if there's an action tag before or after your dialogue (she grinned, he stalked closer; they closed their eyes, basically an action), then the action tag is a sentence by itself. The dialogue isn't a continuation of the action tag. I found that most of your dialogue has action tags before it, so an example of an accurate sentence would be, "'She grinned. 'You wish.'" Did you see how those two sentences were clearly separated with a period and not a comma? If there's a dialogue tag before or after your dialogue (she said, he exclaimed, they whispered, etc), it's a continuation of the dialogue sentence. That means that the dialogue and dialogue tag are connected, one whole sentence. So the dialogue tag shouldn't be capitalized (as it isn't the start of a sentence) and the two clauses should be separated with a comma. An example of an accurate dialogue and dialogue tag would be: "She said, 'You wish'" or "'You wish,' she said." The summarization here is that if your dialogue has a dialogue tag after it, it's one whole sentence, and should be separated with a comma (and if the dialogue tag comes after the dialogue, the dialogue itself can end in anything except a period). If your dialogue has an action tag, they're separate sentences and should be separated with a period (and if the action tag comes after the dialogue, the dialogue itself can end in anything except a comma). This can be confusing, so if you have trouble understanding this, personally message me and I will help you!

There were no obvious spelling errors I caught! I was impressed by the cleanness of your writing, and I can tell you did some editing for each chapter. If you don't already, I suggest saving your story in a Word Document/Google Doc, formatting it as a PDF (optional) or changing the font, and proof-read your chapter before uploading it on Wattpad. Studies have shown that if you re-read your story in a different format than you're used to, you can catch mistakes you haven't seen before. Just something to think about!

I have seen way too many stories on Wattpad with the same plot as yours. Often, there's a girl with abusive parents/step-brothers, and a boy who will save her and heal her internal/external wounds. How can you make your story unique and purely yours? What interesting aspects can you weave into your story? Along with that, I have to admit I was surprised by the pacing of your story. The two main characters just met that day, and suddenly Lucas was super concerned for her despite not knowing anything except her name? It's unrealistic. She's just another pretty girl out of thousands of beautiful girls in the world, so what draws her to him? This is something you should describe to your readers. Along with that, try to justify why he cares so much about her. Maybe he recognized her as the girl he helped earlier that day and noticed she was distressed. Concerned, he could have offered help. That's more realistic, and by painting him as a guy who immediately envisioned Skye as his "happily ever after" and over thought the helping process is often a red flag for abusive relationships. Despite what it may seem like, in real life, if a guy demanded to help and wanted to know stuff about you, it would look suspicious. I suggest slowing down the pacing of your story and taking the time to think about these situations in a real-life mindset.

I also had trouble wrapping my head around Skye's family. They all seemed very one-dimensional. Remember that everybody has more than one side, and humans are more complex. Even if Skye's mother is horrible to her, she might have loved her once. Skye obviously must have loved her mother too, once upon a time. It can be hard to deal with a mother like that, especially when she's emotionally still attached to her or has good memories. Try to portray that in your story and do more research on abusive households. It's often a lot more complex than how you wrote it in your story. The abusers can easily paint the starting of a relationship as an accident; perhaps squeezing an arm too hard or getting too angry and lashing out. As this begins to worsen, the victim will only feel like whatever happens, it's their fault. They may feel that the abuser is the only person they can truly rely on, which makes these kinds of relationships and households so hard to easily get out of. Not to mention the social manipulation going on. From my experience, it's hard to not justify the actions of those you love. They can easily manipulate you into thinking that it's your fault, or that they need you, and you're a horrible person if you don't stay by their side. Even if Skye hates her family, deep down, does she want them to accept her? To stop hurting her? Or does she really want nothing to do with them? Try to incorporate those kinds of feelings into Skye, and your readers (especially those with first-hand experience) will appreciate you shedding light on this topic accurately.

I enjoyed the simplicity of your voice here! It was different and easily distinguishable from many writers on Wattpad! It was especially easy to understand, which is great for readers on the go. I do suggest that you try to raise the advancement of your writing. What diction choices can you add here? How can you play around with the structuring of your sentences? I found that you lacked descriptive language (metaphors/similes, sensory detail, etc). Even if it isn't part of your writing style, it's important to test the waters of the artistic side of writing, and see how you can incorporate it into your writing.

The actual transitions from scene to scene were very seamless, so I was impressed! The only thing I'm struggling with here was the pacing of your story. While you transitioned into each situation rather nicely, I felt that it happened too fast. Try to establish time stamps; and is it really realistic for your male lead to immediately become super concerned Skye from their second meeting?

Your first chapter is 28 words long, so there wasn't anything I could find wrong about it, especially since it was a poem. Poems portray an emotional side of the author, one I can't judge on rigid writing expectations. I enjoyed the repetition and anaphora you've included. One thing I'd suggest is ending each "I ran" phrase with a comma instead of a period. That way, it would appear to have more fluidity and sound less awkward.

"A girl, Ava, asked me, pushing my shoulder." (p.5). Here, this sentence is awkward and could be tightened. Suggestion: "Ava asked, pushing my shoulder." Referring to her as a girl isn't necessary, and you can further elaborate who she is to the MC further on in your chapter.

In paragraph 6, I suggest you use only one question mark instead of two to end your dialogue. It can look unusually perky and unprofessional for your readers. If you think about traditionally published stories or extremely popular stories on Wattpad now, it's not often that more than one question mark is used because it's usually avoided by the author. This is for a specific reason, which is why I'm making this suggestion.

"Because I never really talk, and I have zero friends, the principal thought it was a good idea to put me in a socialization class." (p.9). First off, I appreciate you writing out the number, it helps your writing look more professional and less lazy. Second of all, you're using an unnecessary comma. I've also noticed a repetition of split infinitives, so I suggest you refrain from using those. Some people strongly object to this type of construction, so if there's a chance your readers won't like it, try to avoid it. Correction/Suggestion: "Because I never talked and I had zero friends, the principal thought it was a good idea to put me in a socialization class." Did you also notice how I've corrected your tense slip-ups?

You have tense slip-ups in paragraph 10. Keep in mind that your story is set in past tense, so words such as "have" should be replaced with "had."

You also have several tense slip-ups in paragraph 11, so make sure to go back and correct those.

"Ava just would not let it go! I guess now I know why she is in this class." (p.14). You have tense slip-ups here. Correction: "Ava just wouldn't let it go! I knew now why she was in this class." Along with that, I've noticed a repetition of the word "just." It's being used as a split infinitive often, which means it's not necessary.

"Ava immediately recoiled, and said nothing as she walked away from me, head down, eyes looking at the floor." (p.17). You have an unnecessary comma here. I also enjoyed your diction use of "recoiled" here! Correction: "Ava immediately recoiled and said nothing as she walked away from me, head down, eyes looking at the floor."

"But I'm not going to show that." (p.18). You have a tense slip-up here. Correction: "But I wasn't going to show that."

From paragraph 19 to the end, your main problems are your tense slip-ups. Your story is set in past tense, so write as though it already happened.

"'Yo, Lucas!' My friend called out to me." (p.5). Here, this is one whole sentence. The dialogue tag is a continuation of the dialogue sentence, meaning "My" shouldn't be capitalized as it isn't the start of a new sentence. Correction: "'Yo, Lucas!' my friend called out to me."

"That's a lie. But I can't say that." (p.11). These are tense slip-ups. Correction: "That was a lie. But I couldn't say that."

"Noah Laughed." (p.20). The word "laughed" isn't a specific thing, person, place, or the start of a sentence. Therefore, it should not be capitalized.

"I've gotta be honest, she was exceptionally pretty." (p.25). In the first part of the sentence, you wrote in present tense. In the second half, you reverted back to past. Make sure to stick to your set tense. Correction: "I had to be honest, she was exceptionally pretty."

In this chapter, I noticed that you started off the same way as chapter one. I understand that you purposefully set the structure to be similar, but if you think about it, Lucas has a mindset different from Skye. You want to take this moment to look into his mind. How does he sort his thoughts? By making the structure of the chapter the same, you're essentially telling your readers that they think in the same way. How can you mix things up?

"The question was repeating in my mind, with no answers provided." (p.4). Here, you're writing that something was done, rather than something happened. I suggest that you restructure your sentence to follow the latter, as it'll have a better effect on your readers. Correction: "The question repeated in my mind, providing no answers."

"And now I have to go home, which will make the day even worse." (p.5). You have tense slip-ups here. I'm finding this to be one of the most frequent mistakes, so make sure to go back and thoroughly edit your tense slip-ups. Correction: "And now I had to go home, which made the day even worse."

"'Oh Skye, I read your diary,' he smirked." (p.10). Here, you end the sentence with an action tag. Because of this, this should actually be two sentences. The dialogue should end with a period, and "he" should be capitalized since it's the start of a new sentence. Correction: "'Oh Skye, I read your diary.' He smirked."

When Skye was being whipped by the belt, I felt that the description provided here was very brief. I understand that you don't want to trigger readers, but considering you put a trigger warning at the top of the chapter, it's okay to go into depth here. What thoughts were circulating through Skye's mind, and what kind of pain was she feeling? You want to bring your readers into the moment; to feel the pain Skye was feeling.

"'And you are throwing away that diary!' He added, then walked away." (p.20). Here, this should be one sentence since the continuation of the dialogue starts with a dialogue tag (he added). Therefore, "he" shouldn't be capitalized, as it isn't the start of a new sentence. Correction: "'And you are throwing away that diary!' he added, then walked away."

"Just then my mother and stepfather walked through the door." (p.22). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "Just then, my mother and stepfather walked through the door."

"My stepfather looked at me menacingly, 'Go get your mother water.'" (p.24). These should be two separate sentences, so the comma here needs to be replaced with a period. Correction: "My stepfather looked at me menacingly. 'Go get your mother water.'"

"I always call my stepfather by his first name, James." (p.25). Here, your readers already know that his first name is James, since that's what Skye refers him to. Because of this, the last part of the sentence is unnecessary. Along with that, make sure to correct the past tense. This applies to your next sentence as well. Correction: "I always called my stepfather by his first name."

In paragraph 28, make sure to correct your tense slip-ups.

"And I thought maybe she would say yes, to my suggestion, but she didn't." (p.18). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "And I thought maybe she would say yes to my suggestion, but she didn't." Make sure to only use commas to separate different topics.

"I know that fairy tales aren't true, but I really thought that maybe - just maybe - I could finally have my happily ever after." (p.21). You have a tense slip-up here. Correction: "I knew that fairy tales aren't true, but I really thought that maybe - just maybe - I could finally have my happily ever after."