Nykshez Veronica Ezra.

Ghost.

Betrayed.

Adventurous.

Mysterious.

Mischievous.

New world.

New people.

New secrets.

∞

Nykshez Veronica Ezra is sent - more like, thrown - out from the Wraith City - the world of mystery, conjure, and the supernatural - to the world of water-drinking humans. The human world is different, exotic and mysterious to her. She's all alone. She's clueless. Yet, she is tenacious, strong-willed, and mischievously wicked. Oh, and don't forget, she hates human being more than anything.

This is a story from the perspective of the ghost. The story of her Life after death.

The Life Of The Dead.

∞

Nykshez hates humans; can she survive in this world? Why did she get a second life, as a ghost?! Why was she sent to the human world? Will she meet new people and befriend them, or, will she haunt (or kill) them?! Is it only humans who live in this 'human world'?

Too many question unanswered, too many mysteries to solve. So, what are you waiting for? Let's hop into the life of Nykshez, shall we?

I was pleased by the photo and background used! The font and color of the title fit the cover well too, but you could experiment with the placement and presentation. You want the title to be obviously the largest text on the cover, varying in size. Maybe the first word could be smaller than the last, and the word in between could be in cursive. It's really up to you to decide!

I definitely understood why you chose this particular title to represent your story! It does portray exactly what your story is about, and draws in the right audience. It's also a unique title, one that I haven't seen much on Wattpad. I took a point off because I feel like there could also be many more appealing titles that are directly related to your book. There are a handful of stories that could fit with this title, so how can you choose a title that fits only for your story?

I've caught several grammatical errors, and your blurb is also way too long. I'm not sure what the list of words in the beginning is for; it looks like you're just listing descriptive words for your protagonist and your stories. I suggest removing them and instead writing them as tags for your story. There was a lot of repetition, such as the fact that you mentioned Nykshez hates humans more than once. In your blurb, I always suggest keeping it short and professional. That means you should refrain from communicating with your audience directly (don't use the word "you").

I was impressed with the start of the story! You clearly put a lot of thought into making it the best you could, and I was immediately intrigued just by the first few words. I took off because there were some things about your hook I found awkward, such as saying that Nykshez's body part was doing something rather than simply her doing it. I suggest replacing "My feet" with "I." This is a habit that many writers do, but it isn't necessarily better than taking the simpler route.

Commas are used to separate different clauses within a sentence. An independent clause is a phrase with a subject and a predicate (the action in the phrase). In the clause, "I ran away," the subject is "I," and the predicate is "ran away." If there are two clauses within a sentence, joined with a conjunction, the two clauses need to be separated. In the sentence, "I ran away and Billy chased after me," there are two clauses. The first is "I ran away," and the second is, "Billy chased after me." You know that this is an independent clause because it has a subject "Billy," and a predicate "chased after me." The two clauses are joined with the conjunction, "and." Therefore, a comma should be placed. The correction would be: "I ran away, and Billy chased after me." There are also dependent clauses, which also have a subject and predicate. The different here is that the dependent clause is dependent, meaning that it's connected to the main clause. For example, the sentence, "I decided not to," it's a dependent clause because it doesn't hold any significance on its own. It should be connected to another clause that further explains the what and why. For dependent clauses, they can also be separated with a comma from the main clause, but it varies on the different sentence structures you use. Commas are also used to separate introductory words or phrases from the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went home," the main clause is "I went home," as it has a subject and predicate. The word "Today" is not part of the clause, so it should be separated with a comma. The correction would be, "Today, I went home." Keep these rules in mind for future writing.

In addition, you struggled with punctuation/capitalization with your dialogue. Since dialogue tags are part of the dialogue sentence, the dialogue sentence should end in a comma (to indicate that the sentence isn't over), and the start of the dialogue tag should never be capitalized (as it's not the start of a new sentence). The opposite goes for action tags, which are separate clauses. They aren't dependent on the dialogue, so when used, the dialogue should end in a period (as it's the end of the sentence), and the start of the action tag should be capitalized as it's the start of a new sentence. This rule may fluctuate depending on the structure of the dialogue sentences and the placements of the tags, and the type of punctuation doesn't matter, as long as the dialogue never ends in a comma for action tags, and never ends in a period for dialogue tags. This rule is extremely important, and while most readers probably won't take notice of these mistakes, there's a minority group of readers who may be turned away from this.

A dialogue with a dialogue tag: "'I'm okay,' she said." OR "She said, 'I'm okay.'"

A dialogue with an action tag: "'I'm okay.' She smiled." OR "She smiled. 'I'm okay."

I found that you also incorrectly conjugated many words. It looks like you tried to expand your vocabulary by using long verbs/vocab words in your story, but you probably didn't research these words enough to know how to use them. I found several spots in your story where you conjugated a word or two wrongly, left out definite/indefinite articles, and forgot necessary filler words.

Lastly, you had a problem with your tense. Keep in mind that your story is set in past tense, but you often slipped up and wrote in present tense. You need to keep your tense consistent; it is a very vital rule contributing to the flow of the story.

I found a few typos and a few places where your wording could be replaced. I pointed them out in your chapter reviews, but in the future, I recommend doing more research on words you don't fully know instead of just using them for the sake of using them.

I was very intrigued by your plot! You have a strong idea and concept going on, one that I wasn't quite able to grasp until now (because of your blurb, so I highly recommend rewriting it). You executed each chapter well, with scenes that were important to the plot. I did have a few questions, such as the land for dead people. Why did they go to school there? What was the point of learning, even if it was about potions and such? Was there a bigger idea for dead people and did your protagonist know about it?

You focused too much on your descriptions, and not enough of what was actually in those descriptions. I definitely got a strong personality for your protagonist, but what about the side characters? Take the time to pause and really paint a strong visual for your audience. Along with that, I hardly ever heard your protagonist's name being said, even throughout the first five chapters. Your character's name is already hard to remember in the first place, so it's important to keep repeating her name throughout the chapters so your readers can keep her name in their heads.

You have a lovely writing voice, but it's blocked out by excessive language and descriptions. It actually takes away from your story. Only be descriptive at the parts where it calls for it. Unless a pencil is important to the story, don't describe a pencil in a whole paragraph. It's boring, and that isn't the reason your readers chose to read your story. You don't have to make each sentence long and winding, but I found your sentences to be long in a way as though you didn't want to cut them short, so you added some more words just to make it look long. Refrain from doing this; in this case, less is more.

Your story flowed very naturally, and I was impressed! You addressed new scenes with each new chapter without much repetition! I did find that you often used transition words, such as, "nonetheless." How can you switch things up? What other ways can you introduce a new scene?

So, looking at the first two paragraphs, I've taken notice of two things. One is that you have incredible diction and descriptive phrases. The second thing is that there are too many descriptions going on. It's okay to have an artful sentence once or twice, but your writing is bordering on purple prose, which is excessive prose and descriptions. Despite what you may think, this can actually take away from your story, because your readers will be too distracted by each winding sentence to actually know what you're saying. Stick to basic sentence structures and don't try to make your vocabulary all fancy.

"...the after silence..." (p.3). You should have a hyphen here. Correction: "...the after-silence..."

"I raised my eyebrows as a question." (p.7). This sentence is stilted, awkward, and could be shortened. I'm finding a lot of unnecessarily long sentences that could be shortened/tightened. Suggestion: "I raised my eyebrows in question."

"But Kiara stopped me and asked me to read whatever was inside, so I did." (p.7). Here, I suggest you play out this scene with dialogue and your two characters bantering. This will show the dynamics of their relationship to your audience and also make it more interesting to read about.

"In this darn ghost's and vampire's province?" (p.9). With the way you placed the apostrophes, you're saying that this is one ghost and one vampire's province. Correction: "In this darn ghosts' and vampires' province?"

"Certainly, no one knew that we inhabit here..." (p.10). You have a tense slip-up here. Keep in mind that you're writing in past tense. It depends on whether your character is presently describing something that happened in her past, or if she experienced each action at the exact moments, just written in past tense. If your case is the former, I suggest switching to the latter, as it's a basic tense that's easier for new/amateur writers, and the former is for advanced writers who know exactly what they're doing. Correction/Suggestion: "Certainly, no one knew that we inhabited here..."

"Their blood tastes metallic and is more nauseating than that of birds." (p.11). You have a tense slip-up here. Correction: "Their blood tasted metallic and was more nauseating than that of birds."

"We made our way to class, Kiara went to her class, mathmagic, where we studied about different potions, calculations, and enchanting liquids." (p.12). So I'm confused by this question. First you said they went to clause (presumably together), then wrote that Kiara went to her separate class, but both of them learned in that class. If you mean to say that they went to different classes, and proceeded to describe what Kiara's class was about, I suggest you do it like this: "We split up for our classes. Kiara went to her mathmagic classes—to learn different potions, calculations, and enchanting liquids."

"Everyone stared at us, while we stood there, perplexed." (p.13). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "Everyone stared at us while we stood there, perplexed."

"The problems like me too much, I suppose." (p.16). You have tense slip-ups here.

"Sataniroshy's oily, yet intimidating voice greeted us." (p.19). Again, you wrote about how someone's body part did something. Refrain from using this technique. Instead, I suggest saying something like this: "Sataniroshy greeted us, his voice oily and intimidating."

"... his outsizing arms swinging like menacing weapons from his sloping shoulders." (p.20). This is another example of how you made this sentence more complicated than it could be. It's best to just say, "...he swung his arms." You don't need to describe every single thing, from someone's eyebrow to their hair. It's not what the readers are here to read about.

"... only to see that he skin..." (p.22). You have a typo here. You also have a tense slip-up in paragraph 24.

"Shut up you fool!" (p.33) You're missing a comma here. Correction: "Shut up, you fool!"

"But, he held my leg." (p.38). You don't need to separate the conjunction here with a comma. Correction: "But he held my leg."

"A sigh left my mouth unintentionally." (p.9). Again, this is way too elaborate. I suggest cutting back on the relentless descriptions, and simply write, "I sighed."

"Suddenly, he ran, through me, not noticing or feeling me." (p.10). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "Suddenly, he ran through me, not noticing or feeling me."

"I waved and made weird faces at the human beings passing by but no one noticed my existence." (p.10). You're missing a comma here. There are two independent clauses here. One is, "I waved and made weird faces at the human beings passing by..." The subject is "I," and the predicate is that she waved and made weird faces. The other clause is, "no one noticed my existence," where the subject is "no one" and the predicate is that no one "noticed my existence." Since these two clauses are joined by a conjunction, "but," they should be separated with a comma. Correction: "I waved and made weird faces at the human beings passing by, but no one noticed my existence." This suggestion applies to your next paragraph as well, if you can find it.

"'I hate you!' A red-haired girl standing on the sidewalk screamed..." (p.15). This should actually be one sentence, and the dialogue tag is a continuation of the dialogue sentence. That means the word "A," shouldn't be capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence. This goes for your next paragraph as well.

"Okay then." (p.20). You need a comma here. Correction: "Okay, then." Along with that, paragraph 20 and 21 should really be just one paragraph, as the following words, "I spat..." are part of the sentence.

In paragraph 22, I suggest not addressing your audience directly. This technique only works and should be applied for different parts in a story, something that very advanced authors use. If you didn't research this or if you don't know enough about it, don't use it.

"Who knew troubling those teenagers was just a pleasure." (p.27). Since this is phrased as a question, I suggest adding a question mark at the end. Correction: "Who knew troubling those teenagers was just a pleasure?"

"I reached a place full of human beings as I walked for a few more minutes." (p.28). The timing is off here. You wrote that she went somewhere filled with people, then wrote that she was walking for a few more minutes. Isn't it that she walked for a few more minutes, then found a place full of humans?

"After all, I was once a human too, even if I don't recall any time as one." (p.38). You have a tense slip-up here. Correction/Suggestion: "After all, I was once a human too, even if I didn't recall my time as one."

"Whatever," (p.52). You ended this sentence with a comma, indicating that the sentence wasn't over. This paragraph is incomplete.

The rest of your paragraphs are a lot of info-dumping; something your readers will probably skip over. Instead, let your characters and your protagonist learn about this through dialogues and actions. It'll be more interesting and your readers will feel more involved.

The beginning of paragraph 3 is actually a continuation of the last sentence in paragraph 2, so they shouldn't be separated.

"Is one's pain, another's rejoicing?" (p.8). You have an unnecessary comma here, and you have a tense slip-up as well. Correction: "Was one's pain another's rejoicing?"

"Yes, you always laugh at others agony. My consciousness reminded me." (p8). You need an apostrophe, and this should be one whole sentence. Correction: "Yes, you always laugh at others' agony, my consciousness reminded me."

"'Sorry, I didn't ask for your permission but I can't take it back.' She blurted..." (p.14). This should be one whole sentence, and you have a misplaced comma. Correction: "'Sorry I didn't ask for your permission, but I can't take it back,' she blurted..."

You have tense slip-ups in paragraph 15. Keep in mind that you need to stay in past tense.

"'No questions, sit.' She ordered." (p.20). This should be one sentence. "She ordered" doesn't make sense as a sentence by itself, it's actually a continuation of the dialogue sentence. That means the dialogue should end in a comma, and the beginning of the dialogue shouldn't be capitalized (as it's not the beginning of a new sentence). Correction: "'No questions, sit,' she ordered."

"Was all that nonsense she said, legit?" (p.22). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "Was all that nonsense she said legit?"

In paragraph 29, I suggest writing out the full word "forty-eight," instead of "48." That way, you can keep your professionalism and your readers won't think of your writing as lazy.

"How I hated it when people do that!" (p.42). You have a tense slip-up here. Correction: "How I hated it when people did that!"

In paragraph 1, I suggest writing out numbers to look more professional and less lazy.