《Essie's Critiques》Six-Leaf Clover | ncallioa
Advertisement
In adjustment of every trouble being inevitable due to the Covid-19 pandemic, these two will strive to find comfort in the chaos.
-
Entering senior year of high school, Monique and Justin manage to record their consecutive three years status as subtle frenemies. Even the fact that they're required to work together on the school papers is capable of adding more fuel to the fire, if not for the help of three mutual friends. But when a global crisis cuts all access to their daily drug, changes are meant to be made. And with the return of an old friend, how will they face the following challenges if it all is just the start of a new normal?
I appreciate how the image accurately represents the title, and your cover is very minimalistic. The title could be larger so that it was easily the largest font, but otherwise, it's a very neat and organized cover. In terms of creativity, as a reader, it doesn't draw me into your story. It doesn't make me curious or interested. How can you make your cover stand out in its own way? How does it represent your story or genre? You can work on polishing the cover more, or find a cover designer on Wattpad to help you.
I'm sensing that your title has a very symbolic meaning in terms of it representing your story. It's definitely an intriguing title, and although it draws me in, it's hard to understand which genre it comes from, or what kind of story your story will be. Your title doesn't have to portray all of this, but it's definitely what your cover is for and should show, as I've mentioned above.
While your blurb is short, it's also cluttered. I had to read it several times to understand the concept fully. For example, in this sentence, "Even the fact that they're required to work together on the school papers is capable of adding more fuel to the fire..." it has too much going on. I suggest cutting back on the unnecessary information to convey this message as clearly as possible. For example, you could stay instead, "Even working together on the school papers is enough to add more fuel to the fire..." Along with that, many potential readers don't want to take the time to absorb all this information all at once, especially if it comes in one big sentence. Instead, I suggest separating this paragraph into several paragraphs to make it easier to comprehend everything.
You brought me straight into your character's mindset, the potential setting, and I was able to understand the level of your writing capabilities. However, just like your blurb, your hook is cluttered. I suggest trying to focus on how to make every sentence short and concise. That means fewer filler words, and experimentation on how to make a sentence the best it can be.
Advertisement
From reading your first chapter, I found some comma errors. Commas are used to separate different clauses. There are two types of clauses: Independent and dependent. They both have subjects (who/what is doing the action), and a predicate (the action being done). The difference between the two is that an independent clause can stand alone as its own sentence, while a dependent clause depends on another clause to make sense. If more than one clause is joined together, they should be separated with a comma. For example, this sentence, "I cried, then Billy ran away," there are two different independent clauses. One is "I cried," and the other is "Billy ran away." You'll notice that they're separated with a conjunction and a comma. You often misuse commas in this sense or forget to add them. Commas can also be used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," and you'll notice that it has a subject "I" and a predicate "went." The word "today" is excluded, and needs to be separated with a comma. The correction is: "Today, I went to work."
This wasn't an overwhelming mistake, but I still found a few comma splices. A comma splice is joining two different independent clauses together, and separating them with a comma, but not a conjunction. An example of this is: "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two different independent clauses, "I went to work" and "I drove in my car." They both have predicates and subjects, and are separated with a comma. However, you must separate them with a conjunction as well. Without a conjunction, this turns into a comma splice. You have two options in this case. You can either replace the comma with a period and turn it into two different sentences, or add in a conjunction. In this case, the correction can be, "I went to work, and I drove in my car," or "I went to work. I drove in my car." You have many cases of comma splices in your writing, which I've pointed out for you. There were many that I haven't pointed out, so make sure to do that.
While you didn't have any typos, you often misused words. Whether confusing masculine and feminine words (typically hair colors) or a word being incorrectly used within the context of your writing, I found enough of these kinds of mistakes to have to point them out to you. In future writing, I suggest looking up the meaning of a word if you aren't 100% sure of its meaning.
I'm not completely sure of the plot yet, as I've only read the first chapter, but I was pleased with the pacing of your story so far. I could relate to the concepts that you brought together, and your story is headed in the right direction. There wasn't much that stood out to me, however. As a reader, I probably wouldn't have read past the first chapter. I would have appreciated more banter between the characters, and for you to flesh out the character in this POV more. It was all very hazy, and you focused more of the character's surroundings rather than their actual mindset.
Advertisement
As I've mentioned earlier, your characters didn't stand out to me. With the characters that you introduced, I only got generic descriptions, such as hair color. These aren't things that will help me remember your characters. Instead of writing a whole paragraph about a character's physical assets, I suggest writing about their physical flaws and quirks. They seem more relatable and memorable that way.
I got a very distinct writing style from you; one that I quite enjoyed. I did find, however, that you often poorly phrased your sentences. You seemed to be writing straight from the head and didn't go back to refine the details. In this case, I highly suggest proof-reading and editing your chapters before uploading on Wattpad. That way, you can spend more time focusing on the awkward phrasing, and teach yourself how to restructure sentences to be the best they can.
I didn't get any awkward transitions from you. There weren't any repetitive transitions, although I did find the occasional "well" several times in your chapter. For future writing, just keep in mind to avoid repetition, but otherwise, your story pacing is smooth and nothing for you to be worried about.
"Well everything started when Jack Winsdorf was elected as our new principal two years ago." (p.6). You need a comma here. The word "well" is an introductory word that is separated from the main clauses, and therefore should be separated with a comma. Correction: "Well, everything started when Jack Winsdorf was elected as our new principal two years ago."
"... whenever he talks, walks, even nods." (p.6). Without a conjunction accompanying the comma here, this turns into a comma splice. Correction: "... whenever he talks, walks, or even nods."
"Aside from the record of Mr. Winsdorf being an ex-military captain, everyone has grown really fond of him even though he rarely shows himself to the public's eye." (p.8). You need a comma here to separate clauses. Correction: "Aside from the record of Mr. Winsdorf being an ex-military captain, everyone has grown really fond of him, even though he rarely shows himself to the public's eye."
"... it'll be a big fat lie if I say that he's not the best oldman-next-door you'll ever meet." (p.10). Instead of using the contraction for "it will," I suggest using the contraction for "it would." In addition, "old man" is two words, and there should be another hyphen in between. Correction: "... it'd be a big fat lie if I say that he's not the best old-man-next-door you'll ever meet."
"I look up to search for the voice and find a dirty blonde head, waving up his short arms at me." (p.15). If you write "blonde" with an "e" at the end, it's a feminine word. However, since we're talking about a guy here, "blonde" should really be "blond" to be masculine (this applies to the other times you use this word). Additionally, this is poorly phrased. You could re-structure the second part of the sentence, and it sounds like someone's head was waving an arm at someone. Correction/Suggestion: "I look up to search for the voice and find a dirty-blond, waving his short arms at me." I also added a necessary hyphen.
"I wave him back..." (p.19). This is poorly phrased as well. It sounds like she's waving her arms to get him to stand back (unless that's intentional). Correction/Suggestion: "I wave back at him..."
"... making Luke spits his iced chocolate." (p.25). The word "spit" is unnecessarily pluralized, and you're missing filler words. Correction: "... making Luke spit out his iced chocolate."
"On the other hand, Luke is the handsome English brunette..." (p.31). Unless Luke is a girl, "brunette" shouldn't be used. It is the feminine form of the French word "brun." The masculine version, although rarely used, is "brunet." Correction: "On the other hand, Luke is the handsome English brunet..."
"... meanwhile I shake my head inaccurately..." (p.42). How does one shake their head the wrong way? You seemed to have misused this word, so I suggest replacing it with something that fits more with the context.
"... Dad was traumatized for me being underage and unsupervised." (p.56). This is poorly phrased. I suggest restructuring this sentence. Suggestion: "... Dad was traumatized that I was underaged and unsupervised."
"Lucky for her..." (p.61). The word "lucky" should be conjugated correctly into this sentence, being, "Luckily for her..."
I enjoyed the pace of the first chapter and your writing style! There were still some noticeable grammar mistakes that I've pointed out, so if you focus on polishing this first chapter and learn to rephrase your awkward sentence structures, your story will have a lot of potential.
Advertisement
- In Serial9 Chapters
A Titan's Crusade
Erik Thayne spent most of his life being brutally ridiculed and tormented for his weight and physical appearance, among other things. A social pariah and diagnosed with an eating disorder no one has an explanation or treatment for, Erik spent years trying to overcome his issues with his personal image and escape the ridicule and vicious torment of his peers. After years of dedicated effort, and a fresh start in a town away from his childhood and adolescent tormentors, he had finally begun to truly realize what he'd been striving for all along. Only, fate apparently has other plans because in the blink of an eye, Erik found himself snatched from Earth and taken to another universe, another world, where he is offered the chance to be more than he'd ever imagined. Now, he has to fight to restore the Balance between Chaos and Order on a world of swords and magic, in a universe governed by the System's laws, which resemble those of RPGs from Earth. Erik learned to embrace the things about himself that others taught him to hate, using them to reforge his physical identity into something more removed from his old self-loathing. But can he learn to embrace the darkest parts of his mind just as he did the reviled aspects of his body and become who he needs to be to succeed in the task set before him? It might just prove easier to stalk in the dark as a monster than to walk in the light as a man... *This is my first time publishing anything I've written to a public audience. Due to formatting issues, I forwent traditional stat-screens for something a little less problematic, delineating stat screens by separating them from regular text with horizontal lines in a lighter-grey coloration. Let me know if you like them or not. Criticism is entirely welcome, but please don't hate on my work after only reading 1 chapter. This is a writing project I intend to complete but I have committment problems so we'll see how long this goes on. Also, fair warning, as the description implies, the main protagonist is intended to be someone who has been treated cruelly, developed antisocial tendencies, and ultimately has to question his own humanity--or lack thereof. This story is not intended to be brutally dark but I will definitely be trying to follow a darker theme. It is intended to be violent and some scenes later in the story might be...alarming. There will likely also be some light, non-graphic (think more implied with crude jokes and conversation than actual details, there will be no full-blown sex scenes)relationship scenes planned later and if you're opposed to either a bisexual or gay main character, stay away. I haven't yet decided which way he's going to swing but the odds on him being straight are relatively miniscule, and I've always wanted to write a story about a gay man who basically looks like a lumberjack because who doesn't like giving conventional stereo-types the middle finger? This will NOT be a harem story, and I have no intention to focus on romance over action--it's a consequence of character development where I'm concerned, not the be-all-end-all of the story. The cover-art does not, in any way, belong to me. It was an image titled the Druid King (by duskanmarkovic according to the file name) which I found on Google Images. Until I can get something commissioned, this is the best stand-in image I could find.
8 111 - In Serial10 Chapters
from the womb of the either
born in a lab, treated like an animal for a time after birth, this evolvling [yes: evolve-ling] will do...somthing... bad.
8 102 - In Serial57 Chapters
Tearha: Deck of Clover
Aleynonlia's Spellblade Academy is the first of its kind, teaching young magic users to control, refine, and responsibly use their powers. Or at least, as responsibly as teenagers get. The students of Class C were always known as a group of easy-going outcasts. However, their lives are forever changed when they find themselves assigned an ominous prediction by a dead seer and numbered "Zero" to "Thirteen". Standing on the precipice of a cataclysmic invasion, the young Spellblades must solve the mystery of their epitaphs and face their destiny. Alone or together.
8 235 - In Serial14 Chapters
Possessive Monster || KNJ
"If you want him to not rape you again or hurt you, be a good girl and do as he says." That is what you have to remember to not get hurt and survive while being with him.The thing is, will you survive?~~~Namjoon × readerMost Impressive Ranking/s#2 btsfanficDate started: Jan. 6, 2017Date completed: Jan. 18, 2017
8 181 - In Serial27 Chapters
My heart || NOTTI OSAMA
a young girl and a young boy finds their love for each other through their music..but will the music keep them together?
8 190 - In Serial3 Chapters
Kehidupan Sempurna
Simpang siur kehidupan dan mencari erti kasih sayang yang sebenar. Ada kalanya cinta itu hadir tanpa dipaksa dan ada kalanya datang kerana dipaksa. Dan cinta yang sempurna akan datang dan tidak akan pergi dan itu juga sebaliknya.
8 159

