''Nooo, dad I can't stay here anymore"

"I'm sorry Emily, there's nothing I can do about it"

Emily couldn't believe that she would not be returning to the States, because of the Corona virus pandemic. Her dad had sent her to Nigeria for three months, as a punishment to her since she denied her origins. She was supposed to stay with her grandma but, things changed and she found out that, there was more to life than she ever knew.

She strives to become a better person and she meets an ally or more...

After all she encounters in Nigeria ,will she eventually return to America or stay in Nigeria?

As a reader, I was not impressed with the cover. There could be more work done with it, such as the photo quality. It would be better to use HQ photos and to mess around a bit with filters. Additionally, your title is hard to see, when it should easily be the largest and boldest text on your cover. I suggest keeping your mind open to different cover ideas, or to find a cover designer on Wattpad. There are some fabulous cover shops in my reading list for you to check out as well.

I appreciate that it gives me a sense and general idea of your story. It can be applied to your genre and concept of your story. I'm not sure exactly how well it represents your story, because there isn't much in the blurb that hints towards the title. Make sure that your title fully represents your story/genre and that it's the best choice to label your story as.

There are a few things for me to point out to you in your blurb. For one, your grammar. You didn't properly end your dialogues with punctuation, you're missing necessary capitalization, and "Coronavirus" should be one word. You have misplaced commas and unnecessary filler words, as well as extra spaces and repetition going on. You also struggled with clarity in your blurb. For example, the excerpt you included at the top is much too vague to rely on for your blurb. You should provide more context, such as the POV and some background info, or remove the excerpt entirely. Your overall blurb is very vague, and you only mentioned the triggering cause, but not the action. The Coronavirus forces Emily to stay in Nigeria with her grandmother.... And then what? The next thing, I suspect, is the main plot for your story, and should reference or hint at your title. From your title, I'm assuming she has to stay with someone new. Why isn't that included in your blurb? Try to make your sentences as short and as concise as possible, and focus on clarity and summing up the overall synopsis.

I appreciated that you started the story off by reflecting upon your character. This helped me jump straight into her head and get a glimpse of her personality. However, you were lacking in several areas. You had some grammar issues (which I'll address in your chapter reviews), your descriptions (or lack thereof) could be expanded upon, and you started off by showing instead of telling. Rather than simply saying your character remembered the events from the day before, start the story off with a memory of that specific event. It would be more interesting to your readers and provide more insight on why your character is reflecting upon it in such a way. (I also suggest pluralizing "event" so the phrase would say, "Yesterday's events" rather than "Yesterday's event.").

You struggled with your punctuation and capitalization with dialogues. If your dialogue is accompanied with a dialogue tag (he said, she yelled, they shouted, describing the way someone says something), the dialogue tag is a continuation of the dialogue sentence. For example, it doesn't make sense for the clause, "She said," to be a sentence by itself. Therefore, it's part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue should end in a comma to indicate that the sentence isn't complete, and the start of a dialogue tag is not capitalized, as it's not the start of a new sentence. The opposite goes for action tags. If your dialogue is accompanied by an action tag (she grinned/he sighed/they walked away, basically an action), the action should not be part of the dialogue sentence. The dialogue doesn't help the action tag make sense; the action tag should be a sentence by itself. Therefore, the dialogue should end in a period to signify the end of the sentence, and the start of the action tag should always be capitalized, as it's the start of a new sentence. Of course, the punctuation may vary. Exclamation marks and question marks can end a dialogue regardless of the tag accompanying it, as long as if it's a dialogue tag, the dialogue never ends in a period, and for an action tag, it never ends in a comma.

Example of dialogue + dialogue tag: "'I'm okay,' she said." OR "She said, 'I'm okay.'"

Example of dialogue + action tag: "'I'm okay.' She forced a smile." OR "She forced a smile. 'I'm okay.'"

I noticed that you tended to leave out punctuation in your dialogues. Just like ending sentences, dialogues need to be ended as well. Just because you add a dialogue mark to the end doesn't mean it's a complete sentence. It isn't complete until you add a punctuation mark at the end. I've pointed out some examples of this below.

Additionally, you have a habit of excluding punctuation from your dialogue marks. Punctuation should be within the dialogue markings. All sentences need to end with punctuation, and I also noted that you often didn't end the last sentence of a chapter with punctuation, which is incorrect.

You had a lot of comma mistakes. Keep in mind that commas are used to separate different clauses within a sentence, whether they're independent or dependent. An independent clause has a subject (who/what is doing the action) and a predicate (the action being done by the subject). Oftentimes, a sentence has two independent clauses, joined together with a conjunction. In the sentence, "I cried then Billy ran away," there are two independent clauses here. One is, "I cried," and the other is, "Billy ran away." Both have a subject and a predicate, and they're joined together by the conjunction, "then." Because of this, the two clauses still need to be separated with a comma, the correction being: "I cried, then Billy ran away."

Dependent clauses are just like independent clauses: they also have a subject and a predicate. However, dependent clauses are exactly like what they sound like; they're dependent on another clause. They don't make sense by themselves. For example, the clause, "I decided not to," has both a subject and a predicate, but it needs more context to make sense. There should be another clause attached or a sentence before it that it depends on making sense. When joined to another clause with a conjunction, the dependent clause should still be separated with a comma as well.

Commas are also used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," where the subject is "I," and the predicate/action is "went to work." The word "today" is not included in the clause, and therefore should be separated with a comma. The correction would be: "Today, I went to work." This is a lot of information to take in, but try to keep these rules in mind for the next time you're writing.

I noticed the amount of comma splices used as well. A comma splice is joining two different independent clauses together, and separating them with a comma, but not a conjunction. An example of this is: "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two different independent clauses, "I went to work" and "I drove in my car." They both have predicates and subjects, and are separated with a comma. However, you must separate them with a conjunction as well. Without a conjunction, this turns into a comma splice. You have two options in this case. You can either replace the comma with a period and turn it into two different sentences, or add in a conjunction. In this case, the correction can be, "I went to work, and I drove in my car," or "I went to work. I drove in my car." You have many cases of comma splices in your writing, which I've pointed out for you. There were many that I haven't pointed out, so make sure to do that.

You included extra spaces where they aren't needed, specifically with your punctuation. I've pointed some out in your chapter review(s) below, so make sure to correct these.

You often slipped up in your tense. Whether your story is set in past or present tense, you need to pick one and stay in it. If you're in past tense, you should use words such as "didn't" and "wanted." If you're writing in present tense, you should use, "don't" and "want." I've shown a few examples where you slipped up your tense below, so keep this rule in mind for future writing.

You had unnecessary capitalization as well. Titles should always be capitalized unless there is a possessive pronoun in front of them. For example, "Mom" is capitalized when used alone. However, when you say, "my mom," it doesn't have to be capitalized. You were confused with this rule throughout your writing, and you also capitalized unnecessary words, which I've pointed down below.

While I didn't find many typos, you constantly confused words such as "off", "on," and "out." You also repetitively used words such as "just" and "really" and common phrases littered throughout your writing. I suggest turning your focus on expanding your vocabulary, establishing your knowledge of basic diction, and thoroughly edit your chapters before posting on Wattpad.

There were many things I wanted to address about your plot. It took about eight chapters for your story to finally start. You stretched out the triggering action and filler chapters for the first part of the story, and it wasn't necessary at all. I suggest rewriting these chapters to fit these scenes in three or four chapters, not eight. Some of your scenes were awkwardly thought up, as though there were there for the mere purpose of leading into a more important scene. Your details were very brief and vague, which made some areas of your story very anticlimactic. If you elaborated more on the atmosphere, tension, or emotions of your characters, it would have had more of an impact on your readers. I'll address this more later. For now, I suggest focusing on fitting the triggering action in the fewest number of chapters possible, but have each scene vividly described and at similar lengths, as you also struggled with story pacing.

I wasn't able to glean enough information about your characters to care about them. Whenever you described or introduced a new character, you focused on the physical aspect only. I don't believe that realistically, someone will immediately take notes of your body when first meeting you. Your face, maybe. But not your body. I suggest refraining from describing physical assets, as they are generic, cliché, and easily forgotten. Instead, expand on certain expressions on their faces, how they hold themselves, or their personality traits. Additionally, your descriptions of them overall were very brief and sometimes contradicting. The emotional scenes went way too quickly for me to feel your characters' crushed feelings. With James in particular, I found that you described him as having a crush on a girl, but the only thing he was able to describe was her body and lustful feelings for her. At this point, it seems more like he lusts after her, not likes her. When Emily was somehow "betrayed" by her friend and her crush (and I also don't understand this part, because she knew they both liked him. Why was she so surprised to see her friend act upon her feelings? If Emily acted upon her feelings and kissed her crush, would it be reasonable for her friend to be mad at her? Especially since the boy wasn't hers in the first place? I'd love an explanation on this!) you briefly explained that she cried and that was it. This scene didn't emotionally impact me at all. If she's going to cry, how is she going to cry? What is her body language? How does she feel inside?

As I've mentioned several times now, you need to expand on the emotional side of your story. Because your emotional descriptions were so brief, they didn't impact me at all. Additionally, your grammar mistakes were in the way of me fully appreciating your story, but if you can clean those up, your writing voice will greatly improve on its own! For now, I suggest focusing on learning basic vocabulary, editing and researching more grammar rules on your own, and then you can strengthen your voice with techniques such as figurative language and sensory detail.

You rushed through your story. Again, your descriptions were very brief, and it felt as though you couldn't wait to finish writing as soon as possible. Slow down, take your time, and work through each scene thoroughly. Plan out events in chronological order, and pen them down until you know how the chapter is supposed to go. Don't be afraid to slow down and analyze scenes. Why did your character do something and does it contribute to the plot?

"'Sneaking out to my best friend's party was a terrible idea', I thought to myself..." (p.2). Since this is a thought and not spoken aloud, dialogue markings are unnecessary. Additionally, the punctuation should be inside the dialogue (if the dialogue marks were necessary), not outside. I also suggest italicizing the thought to make it more clear for your audience. Correction: "Sneaking out to my best friend's party was a terrible idea, I thought to myself..." Additionally, remember to show and not tell. This sentence is already awkward, and is obvious to me, as the reader, that you're trying to fill the audience in. As I've said before, I suggest describing a memory of how your character snuck out or the events of the party itself. Since you continue to do this later on, I suggest getting rid of this obvious phrase altogether. Your readers are smart, and will understand what's going on with the context you provide them.

"... but they were over forty teenagers in her house or at least they looked like teenagers." (p.4). You need some commas here, and "they" should be "there." Correction: "... but there were over forty teenagers in her house—or, at least, they looked like teenagers." I added an em dash as well (which is recommended for this sentence).

In paragraph 6, "pm" is technically an abbreviation for Latin "Post meridiem," meaning "after noon." Therefore, it should be capitalized as "PM." Additionally, in the word "Sunday's," the apostrophe is unnecessary because it isn't being possessive or standing as a contraction for "Sunday is."

"James please don't say anything to dad promise me" (p.15). You need to end the dialogue with punctuation. That means adding a period at the end of the sentence; just like any other normal sentence. You need necessary commas, and "dad" should be capitalized since there are no possessive pronouns in front. Correction: "James, please don't say anything to Dad. Promise me." Additionally, this particular scene felt rushed and didn't impact your readers at all. James caught Emily, but immediately agreed not to tell. This entire scene happened in two to three sentences. What was the purpose of this? I would have liked to see you expand upon this more. For example, describe where and how James was standing. Understanding his body language will set the mood for your readers. What about the atmosphere? How bright were the lights? Did he really agree not to say anything immediately? Perhaps he drew out the moment to make Emily nervous and then agreed. It's unrealistic to suddenly have him agree without any context. Didn't he even want to know where she was or what she did? I suggest asking yourself these questions when writing such scenes in the future.

"I was snapped back to reality and I turned the shower on." (p.24). What made her snap back into reality? Additionally, you're using a passive voice, which has a weaker impact on your audience than stating something directly, so I suggest avoiding that technique. Your transitions here are very abrupt. You had a whole section describing your relationship with your family and missing mother, but that could all be explained through dialogue and actions. Remember to show, not tell.

"We had two microwaves, three ovens, a huge cold room and a huge collection of different glass wares, cutlery and so on." (p.29). This information is unnecessary to the plot. Your readers don't need to know how many microwaves or ovens you have. I suggest getting rid of this information completely. If you're attempting to help your readers visualize the scene and understand your character's environment, try going into depth with your explanations in a passing scene and tie it in with your character's personality. Don't take the time to explain something when it isn't essential to the plot.

"It was nothing dad, are you alright?" (p.40). Here, "dad" needs to be capitalized because there is no possessive noun in front of it.

"He leaves hint on each chapter of 'Tangled'..." (p.51). You need an indefinite article "a" in front of "hint."

On the last sentence of this chapter, it's technically incomplete as you didn't end it with proper punctuation.

"I wish the ground would open and swallow me." (p.1). Here, I suggest adding in "up" after "open." Additionally, this is a tense slip-up. Your story is set in past tense, but you often slip up. Correction: "I wished the ground would open up and swallow me."

"It was a twenty minutes drive..." (p.3). Since the twenty-minute-drive is classified as one drive, "minutes" shouldn't be pluralized. Additionally, you need hyphens here. Correction: "It was a twenty-minute drive..."

"... I got off the car." (p.5). She got off the car, or she got out of the car? The way this sentence is phrased insinuates that she was on top of the car, not inside.

"He had a well built body with long legs and his brown hair was amazing." (p.12). I don't think that describing his physical appearance will help your readers become familiarized with Tyler because this is a basic description used for almost any male on Wattpad. Additionally, you could have elaborated on the shade of his hair, and you'd need a hyphen between "well" and "built." In this case, I suggest describing his overall personality, not his physical appearance.