"I reassure myself that someday I will also be an ordinary American high school student crushing on a cute guy, and not an immigrant redefining her identity.

Everything will be normal."

~~~

Leaving one's comfort crowd without a goodbye is enough to throw any sane person in emotional turmoil. But for Rebecca Jones, a socially awkward and introverted teenager, the impact is ten times worse when she has to move countries within a day.

While struggling to maintain a long distance friendship with her two bestfriends in Germany, she befriends Tamara and the infamous Sylvester brothers who have a conflicted past concerning their sister.

Will Rebecca adapt to her new life? Or is the tugging past strong enough to prevent her from moving forward?

Board the plane that is taking Rebecca from a land of contentment to one that is filled with loneliness, cultural shocks, and hazy priorities.

I appreciate that the cover hints at the genre of your story. It conveys a mood that represents your story. The only complaint I have is that the title itself is hard to see; it doesn't stand out from the photo used. Neither does the author's name or the story quote. If you were to change something in the cover, I'd recommend tackling the title so it stands out.

The title is interesting, unique, and has a nice ring to it. It's easy to remember, and while it accurately represents the story, it also hints at some kind of metaphorical meaning that might later be revealed in the plot. Well done!

Your blurb is on the longer side. This could work as a synopsis, but a blurb is supposed to be only a glimpse of your story; something short and enticing to draw in your reader without having them do much reading. You have some grammatical errors; for example, "best friends" would be two words, not one. You also included generic descriptions in the blurb, such as the idea of adapting to an unfamiliar environment and moving on from the past. Most stories on Wattpad include these obstacles in the blurbs, and it isn't something new that will intrigue the reader or interest them. I suggest focusing on the fundamental facts, and if you want to dive deeper, you can include the full synopsis in the actual story. I appreciated the small excerpt included at the top, however, as it accurately portrays the content of your story.

One thing I noticed right off the bat was the mood of the hook. There was stress and tension lining the air from the subtle details you've included within the first few paragraphs. I was able to imagine the scene in my head, and it brought me straight into the heart of your story. However, there is a lot to be improved. I found your descriptions to be lacking depth; they were only on the surface of your story. The abrupt transition from the protagonist and her parents to her bolting to her room was off-putting as well. You could have used this opportunity to introduce her parents in a more solid way, meaning more than just their dialogues and expressions. This could let the readers know the overall temperaments of her parents under stress. Maybe her dad likes to pace across the room, and maybe her mom becomes extremely quiet under pressure. This also hints at the protagonist's upbringing as a child. The emotions you've described were also very basic and not deep. You could dive more into the internal conflict she was struggling with in that moment. A teenager suddenly bolting to her room in a burst of anger is a very cliché scene, and to make it more original, you could've included her thought process. Maybe she wanted time alone, maybe she wanted to express her anger obviously, etc.

You had the occasional slip up with your punctuation/capitalization regarding your dialogue. Your dialogues are typically accompanied with dialogue tags (she said, he yelled, they shouted, describing the way someone says something), and action tags (she grinned/he sighed/they walked away, basically an action). A dialogue tag is a continuation of a dialogue sentence, meaning that the dialogue itself should end in any punctuation but a period, and the beginning of the dialogue tag is never capitalized, seeing as it's not the beginning of a new sentence. The opposite goes for an action tag, which is a separate sentence. That means the dialogue should end in any punctuation but a comma, and the beginning of the action tag is always capitalized.

Example of dialogue + dialogue tag: "'I'm okay,' she said." OR "She said, 'I'm okay.'"

Example of dialogue + action tag: "'I'm okay.' She forced a smile." OR "She forced a smile. 'I'm okay.'"

You also had some comma mistakes. Keep in mind that commas are used to separate different clauses within a sentence, whether they're independent or dependent. An independent clause has a subject (who/what is doing the action) and a predicate (the action being done by the subject). Often, a sentence has two independent clauses, joined together with a conjunction. In the sentence, "I cried then Billy ran away," there are two independent clauses here. One is, "I cried," and the other is, "Billy ran away." Both have a subject and a predicate, and they're joined together by the conjunction, "then." Because of this, the two clauses still need to be separated with a comma, the correction being: "I cried, then Billy ran away."

Dependent clauses are just like independent clauses: they also have a subject and a predicate. However, dependent clauses are exactly like what they sound like; they're dependent on another clause. They don't make sense by themselves. For example, the clause, "I decided not to," has both a subject and a predicate, but it needs more context to make sense. There should be another clause attached or a sentence before it that it depends on making sense. When joined to another clause with a conjunction, the dependent clause should still be separated with a comma as well.

Commas are also used to separate an introductory phrase or word before the main clause. In the sentence, "Today I went to work," the independent clause is "I went to work," where the subject is "I," and the predicate/action is "went to work." The word "today" is not included in the clause, and therefore should be separated with a comma. The correction would be: "Today, I went to work." This is a lot of information to take in, but try to keep these rules in mind for the next time you're writing.

I noticed the amount of comma splices used as well. A comma splice is joining two different independent clauses together, and separating them with a comma, but not a conjunction. An example of this is: "I went to work, I drove in my car." These are two different independent clauses, "I went to work" and "I drove in my car." They both have predicates and subjects, and are separated with a comma. However, you must separate them with a conjunction as well. Without a conjunction, this turns into a comma splice. You have two options in this case. You can either replace the comma with a period and turn it into two different sentences, or add in a conjunction. In this case, the correction can be, "I went to work, and I drove in my car," or "I went to work. I drove in my car."

You slipped up in your tense. Whether your story is set in past or present tense, you need to pick one and stay in it. If you're in past tense, you should use words such as "didn't" and "wanted." If you're writing in present tense, you should use, "don't" and "want." I've shown a few examples where you slipped up your tense below, so keep this rule in mind for future writing.

I noticed that you had unnecessary capitalization, or you were missing capitalization in certain places. The beginning of a new sentence, a certain person, place, or thing, must always be capitalized. The next time you capitalize (or don't capitalize), keep this rule in mind.

I was pleased by the cleanliness of your writing. There were no spelling errors or silly typos that I could catch. I noticed you used simple vocabulary terms, and since you seem to have a stable hand on your use of diction, I suggest expanding your vocabulary. That way, you'll have less repetition of words and you can advance your writing capabilities.

For the most part, your plot is strong and going in the right direction. As a reader, I got exactly what I expected from taking in the cover and the blurb. This is good because you're giving the readers what they came for. I noticed your chapters are usually on the shorter side and lacking descriptions. I suggest working more on your narration to create a more in-depth world for your readers to enjoy. Additionally, this seems like an everyday diary experience or contemporary teen story common on Wattpad. What aspects can you include in your story that's unique to only your story?

I enjoyed that you didn't linger too much on physical descriptions. I got clear personalities from each character you've introduced, which I appreciate. However, there were moments where you lack descriptions. Your characters' voices are muddy in some parts. I suggest defining apparent differences. For example, establish habits, tendencies, hobbies, etc. This can help your readers distinguish between each character, as well as enhances the reading experience for your audience.

Again, you have a clear and straightforward writing voice. This is appreciated, especially for readers on the go. It's very easy to read. However, it might be too easy to read. Your target audience might expect more advanced writing, or find this story too one-dimensional to enjoy. There are always many sides to opinions, inner conflicts, etc. I suggest practicing addressing these for your readers to ponder.

Many of the scenes you wrote I found to be redundant or unimportant to the plot. Because of this, part of the time, your story dragged and felt slow. You also have random time skips from one brief scene to another, without actually concluding the scene. For example, you have a scene where your protagonist, Rebecca, is unable to sleep. She's filled with sadness at the absence of her friends, and lies awake for a long time. Then, that scene ends. You don't expand more on her sadness, and while you describe she spends time thinking about her relationship with them, you don't actually explain that relationship. It ends unresolved, which makes me wonder what the point of that all was. Instead of using time-skips and hopping all over your story, try to maintain a steady stream of storytelling that continues to fit with your plot.

"I never should have binge watched the Paranormal Activity movies with Fleur and Amira, I think..." (p.1). You need a hyphen here. Correction: "I never should have binge-watched the Paranormal Activity movies with Fleur and Amira, I think..." Additionally, what was the purpose of mentioning this? Did she stay up late to binge-watch this? How does this indirectly relate to the current scene? Why does it affect her in this moment directly? And if you're going to mention this at all, you might as well go more into depth to pack more info for your readers. You could have the protagonist's mind flash back to when she and her friends were binge-watching this specific series, or include more descriptions on how she was affected by it. For example, if she hardly slept at all because of it, then you could show signs of tiredness as an indicator that this is why she shouldn't have binge-watched the show.

"Typical Teenage Tantrums, I know." (p.6). The first letter of each word should not be capitalized, except for "Typical," as it's the beginning of a new sentence. Other than that, only capitalize on a specific person, place, or thing.

"... as the initial shock is replaced with dread." (p.8). You're using passive voice here. Passive voice is a technique when you say something is happening, rather than simply stating, "something happens." This is something I suggest against using, as it has a weak impact on your audience, and clogs up your sentence. By avoiding it, you have a shorter, more concise sentence that directly relates to the scene. Instead of using the weak verb, "is," as a helper verb, I suggest replacing a stronger, more direct verb, such as "fades." Suggestion: "... as the initial shock fades into dread."

In paragraph 23, "math" does not need to be capitalized. A general subject such as math, science, or history does not need capitalization.

In paragraph 28, you need a hyphen in between "eye contact." Correction: "eye-contact."

"Mustering the scanty will power I had left, I open the door and grab the suitcase and the dinner off of it." (p.32). You need a hyphen in "will power." I also suggest altering this to be more of a list to avoid the repetition of "and." Correction/Suggestion: "Mustering the scanty will-power I have left, I open the door, grab the suitcase, and the dinner off of it." Notice how I also corrected the tense slip-up. You should remain consistent with present tense.

"Once I'm done, the pin pricks in my walls where pictures once hung, stare back at me and my bookshelf sighs, relieved of its weight." (p.33). You have an unnecessary comma here. You also need a comma in certain areas. Correction: "Once I'm done, the pin pricks in my walls where pictures once hung stare back at me, and my bookshelf sighs, relieved of its weight." Grammar mistakes aside, I appreciate your use of personification!

In the very first (short) paragraph, your protagonist is dreaming. I found this quick scene to be rather pointless, as you don't go into depth about what her dream is, or what it alludes to. Additionally, keep in mind that waking up from a dream is already a cliche way to start a chapter or story. I can see how it relates to the underlining theme of the story, but it lacks depth. I suggest removing it entirely or going deeper with the descriptions/inner conflict of your protagonist in her dreaming state.

"Cracking my eyes open, I see mom tucking its corners under my feet." (p.2). You need to capitalize "mom," as it's a title. The exception to this rule is when there is a possessive adjective in front, such as "my/your/her/his/their/etc."

"... running my hands on the splintered wood banister..." (p.11). I suggest replacing "on" with "along."

The scene where her mother woke her up from the floor felt a little stilted in my perspective. It felt more like something you'd write in a diary, with mechanical descriptions. You didn't go in-depth into the story. All you did was describe her actions. As a reader, I feel that I would have enjoyed more interaction with the protagonist with her mother in this area. This can include more dialogue, fond memories, or anything to show their relationship. Skip past descriptions if they make your story lag, and make sure that everything you write is essential to the story and goes past the surface.

"When Dad gives a final call to step out so he could hand over the keys to the neighbors..." (p.16). You have a tense slip-up here. Make sure to stay in present tense. Correction: "When Dad gives a final call to step out so he can hand over the keys to the neighbors..."

"I hate how I feel." (p.17). Again, this barely scratches the surface of your protagonist's inner conflict. You're telling, not showing. You shouldn't have to tell your audience that she hates how she feels, or that she feels bitter/resentment. This can be shown through similes/metaphors, hyperboles, etc.

"'Local time is 7 pm and the temperature is 88F,' the flight attendant's enthusiasm interrupts my disconcerting trance, and I glance at Mom who is fussing over our hand-carries." (p.3). You have incorrect punctuation and capitalization regarding your dialogue. Since the tag accompanying the dialogue tag is an action tag, it is a separate sentence. This means the punctuation and capitalization should reflect that. The comma in the dialogue should be replaced with a period to show the sentence has ended, and a new one has started. The first word of the action tag should be capitalized to show it's the start of a new sentence. Correction: "'Local time is 7 PM, and the temperature is 88F.' The flight attendant's enthusiasm interrupts my disconcerting trance, and I glance at Mom who is fussing over our hand-carries." Additionally, notice how I've capitalized "PM," as it's an acronym standing for post meridiem.

"... leaving in their wake, a trail of gold." (p.4). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "... leaving in their wake a trail of gold."

"I take, yet another picture of the view to send to the group chat..." (p.14). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "I take yet another picture of the view to send to the group chat... "

In paragraph 23, although this is in text, in case you didn't know, when you say "OK," it should be capitalized, as it's short for "okay."

"Yes, I was shocked too but I hope for things to go well on your end, after all it must be hard to adjust in a new country, especially for you!" (p.25). You have comma splices here and missing commas. You should have a comma after "too". Keep in mind that commas tend to precede conjunctions. A comma splice is joining two or more clauses together with a comma, but without a necessary conjunction. To correct this, you can replace the comma with a period, or add a conjunction. I usually advise using the former option, as shorter sentences have clearer readability, anyway. Correction: "Yes. I was shocked too, but I hope for things to go well on your end. After all, it must be hard to adjust in a new country, especially for you!"

In paragraph 27, capitalization on "math" is unnecessary.

"But the dull sadness of leaving my old friends behind is way stronger than the excitement of making new ones." (p.2). This is very relatable. To further connect with your audience, I suggest expanding your descriptions. Don't just tell, show. Show how sleep-deprived your protagonist is. Go more into depth about their inner feelings and such.