"She would have loved it. I thought to myself, as I witnessed the beautiful morning unwrap itself gracefully and expertly, as the time drained by slowly and steadily." (p.1&2). There are several things wrong here. Firstly, the first and second paragraph are separated, when in reality, they should simply be one paragraph. The dialogue tag "I thought to myself" is a continuation of the sentence prior, and shouldn't be treated as a separate sentence. You also have a lot of adverbs (gracefully, expertly, slowly, steadily) that clog your sentence. You have some redundant adjectives and descriptions. For example, instead of including the word "beautiful," describe it. Don't say it was beautiful, show it. That's when the second half of your sentence comes in; it's already describing how beautiful the morning is. That makes the "beautiful" in the first half of the sentence unnecessary. I suggest removing anything in your sentences that are not necessary to the current situation. You have some unnecessary filler words and a comma mistake as well. Correction/Suggestion: "She would have loved it, I thought to myself as I witnessed the morning unwrap itself gracefully, time draining steadily." Now, the sentence is much shorter and clearer. This is my way of interpreting the sentence and shortening it, so I suggest you find your own way to revise the former sentence. Notice how I avoided using "as" twice in the same sentence.

"The vivid blue morning sky accompanied by the just woken up sun with tousled orange sun rays spread beyond what could be seen by naked human eyes, was a pleasant sight which would forever be carved in my mind." (p.2). This is an abnormally long sentence. You have unnecessary adjectives and filler words here. Instead of describing the blue sky as being vivid, I suggest using a stronger alternative to "blue" and getting rid of "vivid" entirely. You also don't need "morning" in "the vivid blue morning sky," as you've already described it to be morning in the previous sentence. You should have hyphens in "just-woken-up sun" but I'd advise against using that phrase entirely. It's awkward and adds too much weight into your sentence. Instead, I suggest using a shorter alternative, such as "sleepy" or "calm." You don't need to say "sun" in "sun rays," as when you're describing the sky, what else would "rays" be referring to, if not the sun? Additionally, you described this scenery to be awe-inspiring and breathtakingly beautiful, so I wouldn't use "pleasant" to sum it up. Suggestion/Correction: "The cerulean sky accompanied by the sleepy sun with tousled orange rays spread beyond what could be seen by naked human eyes. It would forever be carved in my mind." Notice how I separated this into two sentences for more readability. Still, the structure of this is odd, and if it were me, I'd say instead, "The tousled orange rays of the sleepy sun spread across the cerulean sky, beyond what could be seen by the naked human eye. It would forever be carved in my mind." Now the descriptions flow more smoothly. In future writing, I highly suggest experimenting with your use of structure and diction, as it has a tremendous impact on your writing. With this new, revised version of the former description, take notice of how the same details remain, but the sentence itself is much shorter.

"The chain of the volcanoes had a reputation of their own, they were known as mainland France's first natural Heritage sight." (p.3). You have a comma splice here. A comma splice (as a reminder) is joining two clauses together with a comma, but without a conjunction. To correct this, you can add a conjunction or replace the comma with a period. I suggest the latter, as it shortens the sentence and makes for clearer readability. Correction: "The chain of the volcanoes had a reputation of their own. They were known as mainland France's first natural Heritage sight."

"Knowing that I got to live in such a godly place like this was just unbelievable." (p.5). You have several redundant filler words here. To shorten it, I suggest saying it as, "Knowing I got to live in such a godly place like this was unbelievable." It's the little things that have an enormous impact on your writing.

"School" should be capitalized in "Southern View High school" in paragraph 6.

"My feet were secured in black block heels and my hair were pulled up in a sleek low ponytail." (p.6). You're using passive voice here. Passive voice is saying that something was done, rather than simply stating that something happened. I suggest avoiding this technique, as it adds unnecessary weight to the sentence and has a weak impact on your audience. Correction: "I secured my feet secured in black block heels and pulled my hair up in a sleek low ponytail." Additionally, the "were" after "hair" should be "was." I noticed this paragraph is dedicated to your protagonist's appearance. If I was a passing reader, not a critic, I would've skipped over this paragraph entirely. Your readers are not here to learn about your character's wardrobe and makeup routine. It doesn't affect the plot at all, and this information is not useful to your readers. If you want to point out how meticulous your character is in everyday activities, you could simply summarize it instead of going into details.

In paragraph 6, "toasts" should be "toast." Toast is bread that has been put in the toaster. The word "bread" is not a countable noun; while you can have three bread slices, you can't have three "breads." Similarly, you can't have three toasts. You can have three slices of toast or simply toast.

"... quickly washed my hands before drying them off with the kitchen towel, which was lying astray on the counter top." (p.7). You have unnecessary descriptions here. Your audience does not need to learn how your protagonist washes her hands. I suggest summarizing this part instead of describing it. (And if you were to keep it, "countertop" is one word."

In paragraph 8, "creek" is a natural stream of water. You probably meant "creak," which is a harsh noise made when pressure is applied to the thing creaking.

"When I looked down in disappointment, I was greeted by the package, which I ordered a few weeks ago at my doorstep. Rotating my neck from left to right, I searched for the person who put it there, but no one was visible." (p.8). Here, "the" should be "a" in "I was greeted by the package." Additionally, "rotating my neck from left to right" adds a lot of weight to your sentence and is a very clinical, detached description. You could simply say your character glanced around instead.

"The hand writing was messy as if the person who wrote it was in a hurry to sprint off." (p.9). "Handwriting" is one word, and I suggest removing "to sprint off," as it's redundant and doesn't add impact to your sentence. Correction/Suggestion: "The handwriting was messy, as if the person who wrote it was in a hurry." Notice the comma I've added as well.

In paragraph 9, you wrote that it was unusual for there to be a signature on the note on the package delivered. Could you expand on why? Personally, I wouldn't have found it unusual at all, as if it were me, I wouldn't want to sign my name on the note or add personal information, such as an email address or number. I'd rather deliver it anonymously and go off on my way, as anyone could come up and view the package in public. If your protagonist is having a gut feeling about this, please elaborate for your readers!

"Only God knows how many more packages were dropped and lost." (p.10). You have a tense slip-up here. Your story is set in past tense, so make sure to stay consistent with that. Correction: "Only God knew how many more packages were dropped and lost."

"Though there are no detentions for teachers, there are pretty big consequences if I frequently got late to school, a part of which was tarnished reputation and unbearable humiliation." (p.11). Your tense is inconsistent here. Correction: "Though there were no detentions for teachers, there were pretty big consequences if I was frequently late to school, a part of which was tarnished reputation and unbearable humiliation."

"I collected my bag which included my mobile phone and the car keys." (p.12). You would need a comma here. Correction: "I collected my bag, which included my mobile phone and the car keys." However, I would remove the second half of this sentence entirely. Your audience doesn't need to know everything about your protagonist, including the contents of her bag (unless it affected the plot later on). I'd simply say, "I collected my bag." Not every sentence has to be detailed and long.

"Every unspoken word of mine, was forever carved in the heart of the pages of my diary only because of this world-wide spoken language." (p.13). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "Every unspoken word of mine was forever carved in the heart of the pages of my diary only because of this world-wide spoken language."

"It wasn't what I hoped for, or wanted, but quite the contrary." (p.15). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "It wasn't what I hoped for or wanted, but quite the contrary."

"There I was, sleeping peacefully and contentedly until my Mama came." (p.15). "Mama" doesn't have to be capitalized here because there is a possessive adjective in front of it (my). If there is no possessive adjective, then capitalization would be required. Additionally, peacefully and contentedly are synonyms for each other. I suggest choosing only one to use.

"She threw nasty words at my face, I tried to act nonchalant and convince her that she didn't really asked me in the first place to do the job." (p.17). This sentence is unnecessarily long. "Asked" should be "ask," you have a comma splice here, and you have unnecessary filler words. Correction: "She threw nasty words at my face. I tried to act nonchalant and convince her that she didn't ask me to do the job in the first place."

"I filled air inside my mouth, so that my cheeks were puffed out like a balloon and stretched my face muscles which caused the air filled in my mouth to dance contemporary, from up to bottom, right to left." (p.17). You have some repetition here with words. Instead of choosing the long route and saying your protagonist filled the air inside her mouth, you could simply say she sucked in a breath of air. I do appreciate the metaphor used; it's very creative! Correction: "I sucked in air so my cheeks were puffed out like balloons and stretched my face muscles, which caused the air in my mouth to dance contemporary, from top to bottom, right to left." Notice the filler words I've removed, and also how I replaced "up" with "top."

"She called me useless, indicating that I wasn't trustworthy enough to be entrusted with any chore or job." (p.18). There are no grammar errors here. However, I found this sentence to be very detached. This is an emotional scene, so instead of using conversational diction such as "indicating," try to rely more on the emotional side of your protagonist. Instead of her mother calling her useless, maybe she screamed she was useless. Maybe the words of her mother made her chest ache and her throat to close up. Writing the body language of your characters can help bring your readers into the story to make it a more emotional experience.

"It should not hurt anymore, but it does." (p.18). You have tense slip-ups here. Correction: "It shouldn't have hurt anymore, but it did."

"I didn't want to love her or forgive her but I couldn't hate her, no matter what she did or said." (p.19). You're missing a comma here. Correction: "I didn't want to love her or forgive her, but I couldn't hate her, no matter what she did or said." Notice how the comma precedes the conjunction (but).

"... her one 'sorry' and tearful expression is enough to make me run to her and say, 'Forgiven.'" (p.19). The word "forgiven" doesn't need capitalization, as it's not the beginning of a new sentence, and it's not a specific person, place, or thing. You also have a tense slip-up. Correction: "... her one 'sorry' and tearful expression was enough to make me run to her and say, 'forgiven.'"

"Today started with her threatening to break my legs, if I ever took her charger without permission." (p.20). You have an unnecessary comma here. Correction: "Today started with her threatening to break my legs if I ever took her charger without permission."

"... and didn't actually wanted to study." (p.22). Here, "wanted" should be "want." Additionally, you have an unnecessary filler word. Correction: "... and didn't want to study."

"I zoned out, blocking everyone and stared out towards the sky from the window of my bus." (p.24). You need a comma. Correction: "I zoned out, blocking everyone, and stared out towards the sky from the window of my bus." I was also confused at the transition from the classroom to the bus. You didn't mention how the scene changed, so I suggest including some sort of summarization of the time skip. Additionally, I was under the impression that something was to happen in English class, as you wrote earlier, "The day went in a blur but then came English," but nothing happened.

In paragraph 25, your description is gorgeous (as usual), but it has nothing to do with the story. You often go into tangents like this and start describing something that doesn't impact the plot. If you choose to keep the description of the cloud horse, I suggest connecting it with an aspect of the story. For example, maybe it represents your protagonist's current mood or predicament.

"... I decided to bake her a 'I'm sorry' cake." (p.27). "A" should be "an," as the word after it starts with a vowel. If it started with a consonant, then you would use "a" instead of "an." Correction: "... I decided to bake her an 'I'm sorry' cake."

The majority of this chapter was a flashback to Cece and her mother's relationship. Why introduce the flashback now? A flashback should be introduced when it's most important to the plot. The reader may feel sympathy for your protagonist, but it wouldn't be very emotional, as they hardly know the protagonist at all. When using a flashback or writing a memory, it should be important to the current status of your story. That way, it has the strongest impact on your audience.